Chapter 17
By morning, admittedly, sleep had reset some of the insecurity enough that I could weave myself together, somewhat, I thought, to apologize to Mr. Evergreen, and even try to salvage our friendship with a distinct plan to disconnect romantically.
While Willem, I was still convinced, was my soulmate, he was gone.
Perhaps forever. And Cyrus was… there. Here was there, and he was kind; he was damaged like me–a soldier who understood duty more than the Prince that I would marry, and I…
I missed him. He was not mine; I had not lost him, and I didn’t want to, but our dangerous game had to stop. It was the only way to protect him.
First, I needed to apologize. Then I needed to end it.
But to do that, I needed to see him before we had an audience.
I needed to explain to him why and that just because I could not let him say certain words, didn’t mean that I was incapable of or did not feel them for him, just that they simply could not exist.
I needed to acknowledge and explain my trauma to him.
To admit that I had failed as Queen already, and I needed to hope that he would accept me regardless of breaking his heart because Mr. Evergreen was my friend, if he was anything, and friends apologized to each other when they made mistakes. They explained their reasoning.
I opened the door to leave but then I found Josie. She was in her maid’s uniform, nothing pretty, nothing meant for dates with knights or Swords out in the forest, and the fact derailed me entirely.
“...Are you feeling well, Miss Jocelyn?” I asked.
“Me? Bright and sunny, Your Highness, as I am every day. How was your sleep?” she asked. She smiled as she came in to make the bed, and try as I might, I could not place something wrong with her. I finally asked.
“You’re early and undressed. Are you not joining us for the ride today?” I checked.
She turned. “The ride?”
“Yes. Our ride,” I said. “It isn’t Wednesday, is it?”
“No, miss. But… Did Mr. Evergreen not tell you that he was leaving town?”
I frowned. “Leaving town?” I gasped. “What? Leaving town?”
She shrugged. “That’s what he told Daniel. I just spoke with him in the hall.”
I hurried to the door. “Mr. Evergreen?”
“No, Daniel, Your Highness.”
I stopped, turning toward her, horrified. “Where did he go?” I asked.
“Oreia, Your Highness.” It was matter-of-fact.
“Oreia?” I checked. I watched her fluff the sheet. “Mr. Evergreen just… He went home?”
Josie nodded.
“Why? Why did he go home?”
“I don’t know. Perhaps he was homesick,” she said.
“Is he coming back?” I asked.
“I…” She looked up, then her face softened. “I’m sorry, Svana. I did not know you didn’t know,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll return. His life is here. It’s not like he’s run away forever.”
I fell onto the chaise, fingers latching to my chest. “Oh God, he has run away from me!” I cried. “Oh God!”
“What? Why would he run from you?” she teased. “You’re like his favorite person.”
“Oh, Josie.” I shook my head. “I think, I think I’m having a heart-attack.”
She sped to my side and put her hand to my forehead. “You are clammy,” she said. “But you’re not old enough for that.”
“I know I’m clammy, dammit!”
She gasped. “Svana!”
“I cannot… I cannot breathe,” I said. “My chest is so tight! I can’t breathe!”
She breathed in herself, in a way to encourage me to copy her. Then out. “In and out,” she said. “In and out, Princess. I’m sure he’s gone for work-related reasons, is all. It’s not like he has a secret lover or anything.”
“Oh my God, his lover!” I exclaimed.
“What? What lover?” she asked.
“His lover in Oreia!”
“No, that was a joke!” she tried. “I didn’t say he had one!”
“I rejected him, and now he’s gone back to her!” I stood, then quickly paced around the room. “That seductress! That witch! How could she?”
Josie’s mouth fell open. “Wait, is there another woman? Other than you?”
“That must be!” I cried.
“What? Why?”
“Why?” I asked. “Why? I’ve received zero correspondence of this venture, therefore, he is hiding his travel from me. He is hiding her! I–” It hit me like a wagon. “Elías!”
I cut out into the hall, finding the Lord Commander near the study. He turned, happy to see me and unaware of the imminent scolding he was about to receive for intercepting my mail. I opened my mouth to deliver it the very instant Ser Willoughby called my name.
We both turned and when he caught up, he handed me a small ivory envelope, then greeted me for the day. Elías glanced at the exchange.
“Is everything alright?” he asked. “That’s not your father’s stationary.”
It wasn’t. It was plain. It was raw. It was masculine somehow, but not of nobility.
“...Who is this from?” I dared to ask.
Daniel followed my gaze back to Ser Elías, then lowered his voice. “It’s from Mr. Evergreen, Your Highness.”
“Mr. Evergreen you say?” the other asked.
I hurried to tear into it.
Willoughby said, “Yes, Ser. He had to cancel our ride today. As a courtesy, I delivered this on his behalf.”
“How very odd,” I said desperately, as if it could help cover the obvious lie my cousin gave.
Eli glanced at the letter, still folded in my hand. He waved dismissively. “Go. I trust you,” he said.
“Thank you!” I cried. “Thank you!”
In a moment, I was around the corner. My hands trembled as I stared at his letter, his letter that, try as I did, I could not bring myself to open.
I considered all the terrors it might contain– the name of his skeleton, the realization that the feelings we had discussed were fictional, the possibility that in my inability to surmount my own, I had crippled the future of our relationship and casted him straight into the arms of yet another, different woman…
One who was pretty, or smart, or even liked horses. One better for him!
Willoughby said, “Are you going to open it?” and I nearly leaped into the air, startled.
“God, cousin!”
He steadied me, catching my elbow. “Svana. Do you need me to?”
“Yes. Please.” I looked up at him, then nodded, chaotically passing it. I whined as he read over it once and not aloud.
“Is it very bad?” I asked.
He knit his brow. “I don’t know.”
“What?” I snatched it back. “How do you not know?”
When I read the words, I understood. The letter wasn't even addressed to me.
You’ll forgive me for departing before we could speak again. It felt strange to leave without telling you, but I think it was a necessary decision.
There are things left unsaid between us, and though they may be unwelcome words, they, too, are necessary for clarity.
I’ll find you when I return.
Regards.
“D-Daniel,” I asked.
“Yeah?”
“Does this read romantic to you?”
“I really couldn’t say,” he said.
“Yes. That’s how I read it, too,” I said. My lip quivered nervously. “He’s left. He’s left because I was awful to him. I’ve broken his heart.”
“He wasn’t in particularly poor spirits when I saw him,” he said. “Does that help at all?”
“No!” I groaned. “When did you see him?”
“I don’t know… A few hours ago? He left just before sunrise.”
“And that was it? He didn’t say anything? Anything about me? He just said, ‘Here! Give this to the Princess,’ and then he left in good spirits?”
“Svana,” he said. “The letter, it feels guarded, not malicious, but no, it does not read romantically. I do have to ask… And it is an overstep, but for the sake of aiding you… What does ‘unwelcomed words’ mean? What do you mean you broke his heart? Did you have a fight?”
“No,” I croaked.
“Because if you had a fight, I could perhaps navigate you out of it,” he explained. “Men don’t think the way women do.”
I held the letter tightly to my heart, shaking my head and trying to explain. “It wasn’t a fight, it was, I was trying to protect him,” I said.
“I see. And what did he say during this… discussion?”
“I feel quite ill,” I said. “I’m going to vomit.”
“Should I fetch the doctor?” he asked.
“Just leave me alone!” I cried, running back to my room.