21. Alex
21
ALEX
M y stomach twists with a feeling like indigestion combined with a stitch in my side, and I turn on my heel and walk right back out the door of the café I just entered. I’m not hungry anymore after what I just witnessed.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Clearly, I misread all the signals I thought Nora was sending. I knew she was too good for me, but did I listen to my gut? No, I sure didn’t. Which is a crying shame, because if I had maybe I could have stopped myself from leaning into my growing infatuation with her, and it wouldn’t have felt like a punch in the gut to see Nora kiss that guy.
I should have known she was seeing someone. She’s never mentioned a boyfriend, but we’ve never really talked about that kind of thing, and it makes sense that someone as beautiful and kind and witty and talented as her would have guys lined up to date her.
I’m so caught up in my thoughts that I walk right past my car, and almost step out into traffic as the sign at the crosswalk blinks to “stop”. I never thought I’d say I’m grateful to have been honked at by a minivan.
I pause at the corner and prop my hands on my hips, dragging in a deep breath that I blow out slowly. At least the bright side of this situation is that I found out she was seeing someone before I asked her out and made a fool of myself. Even if she was willing to break up with the guy, I still won’t be asking. Never again will I be the guy who causes a breakup. Once in a lifetime is one too many times for me. I’ll live alone on an island for the rest of my miserable life before I ever compromise my integrity like that again.
I spend the rest of my lunch break walking in circles around the block where I parked. I’m surprised no one calls the cops to check out the mopey guy making laps past all these shops, but I guess it goes to show that no one is paying as much attention to you as you think they are. Finally, I stop at a smoothie place and get a small strawberry mango smoothie since I know I’ll be starving later if I skip lunch entirely.
Grant is in the lobby of the building when I return, saying goodbye to a client. I keep my head down, power walking toward the elevator, but he finishes up and jogs to catch me.
He steps into the elevator beside me and we ascend in silence. He eyes me suspiciously because we both know that while Grant is happy to ride quietly, I always have something to say. I slurp the dregs of my smoothie to fill the stillness.
The doors ding open, and we step out. I nearly sigh in relief, thinking that I’ve successfully dodged an uncomfortable exchange—until I realize Grant is following me to my office.
“What are you doing?” I ask, annoyed.
“Escorting you to prom. What does it look like I’m doing?”
“It looks like you’re stalking me. If you try to steal my wallet or touch my hair, I swear I’ll scream.”
Grant rolls his eyes but keeps pace with me. “Clearly something is wrong with you.”
I feel like he might mean that in multiple ways, but I don’t comment. When we get to my office, I step inside and hold the door for him. I’m not above a wrestling match to keep him out of my space, but I’m not in the mood today. Plus, I’m told that wrestling isn’t appropriate at the office.
I sit down at my computer, intending to act like Grant isn’t here and pretend to work, but he sits on the corner of my desk where he can easily view my screen and crosses his arms. “So, what’s your deal?”
“What’s your deal? You’re the one who followed me in here.” I hold his gaze and take another casual slurp of smoothie, swiveling back and forth in my chair.
“You didn’t say a word to me for three stories. I could only conclude that something is direly wrong with you, and since Maddy’s not here, I’m the oldest sibling.”
I blink at him. “I don’t know what that means.”
“It means it’s my job to take care of you.”
“You know I’m a full-grown man, right? With a degree, a house, a job? Nobody has to hold my hand when I cross the street.” I try to hide my irritation under a glib tone, but by the way Grant’s expression changes, I think some of it leaked through.
He holds up his hands. “I didn’t mean it like that.” His tone softens. “Look, you’re my brother, and I can tell something is wrong. I want to help if I can.”
I try to dredge up a smile but I’m pretty sure it looks more like a grimace. “I appreciate it, but there’s not anything you can do.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I set my smoothie cup on the desk and steeple my fingers under my chin, staring off into space beyond him. Do I want to talk about it? It’s kind of embarrassing to admit that I feel like a teenager bummed out over a crush who doesn’t like me back. But if I can’t talk to my brother, who can I talk to? He already knows I’m not myself, so if I share what happened, I can at least clear the air so we can get back to work. With him in his own office instead of on my desk.
“So I kind of like Nora a little.” Not kind of, and not a little, but I’m giving him the lite version.
Grant nods. “I know. What happened?”
I squint at him. “How did you know?” I thought I was pretty subtle, a regular man of mystery.
Grant rolls his eyes again. “It was pretty obvious on the Fourth. Everybody noticed the way you two were looking at each other. Maddy said Rowan asked if she’s your girlfriend now.”
I groan and press my fingertips into my eyes. “She’s definitely not my girlfriend. I was thinking about asking her out, but then today I saw her while I was getting lunch. She was with a guy, and she kissed him.”
“Like on the cheek?”
“Nope, mouth.”
Grant winces. “So you found out she’s taken, and you’re bummed about it.”
“More or less.” More, actually, but I’m not sure how to explain that my feelings for her had escalated past your average attraction, despite my hesitations. The heart wants what the heart wants, right? But it didn’t matter now. The heart was going to have to suck it up and get over it.
“I’m sorry, man.” I wait for him to say “Serves you right” or “What comes around goes around” but he doesn’t. He’s never thrown my past mistakes in my face, even when he probably should have. Grant is a better man than me, but that’s not news.
“So what are you going to do?” he asks.
I frown at him. “Nothing.”
He raises his eyebrows and looks like he wants to say something else.
“What did you expect me to say? That I’m going to break them up so I can have her?” I shake my head. “Well, you might not think so, but I’ve learned my lesson.”
Grant’s hurt expression makes me regret my words almost instantly. His reply is quiet. “I didn’t think you would do that. I meant, are you going to keep letting her come to your house and make videos? It might be hard for you.”
Why am I such a jerk?
“I don’t know. I guess I haven’t gotten that far yet.”
Grant nods. “Something to think about.” He glances at his watch and stands. “I should probably get back to work, but let me know if you need anything, okay?”
I give him a thumbs up.
Once Grant is gone, I slump forward and bury my face in my arms.
One day. I’m going to give myself one day to be upset about this, and then I’m going to man up and put this behind me. It’s not like I even lost her. She wasn’t mine to begin with since we’d never taken any real steps beyond friendship. All I really lost was a possibility, and that’s not so bad, right? Except that the loss feels more real than that.
One day , I tell myself. But then I feel the tightness in my chest.
Okay, maybe two days.