37. Erin
Chapter 37
Erin
I ’m no stranger to pain. It’s a feeling and emotion I’m quite familiar with. The pain of having loving parents and losing them to time's cruel clutches. The pain of a sharp sting on my body from the hands of a man who was supposed to love me. Who claimed he loved me so much, it could only be expressed through black eyes and broken bones.
Despite living—and surviving—through that pain, nothing could have prepared me for the utter devastation that consumes me now. It’s a pain that numbs the body one second and puts it through the shredder the next. It hurts like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
My body is exhausted, and I have no fight left in me. I’ve succumbed to the darkness. I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep, but when I wake up, my head pounds with a tension headache. I always got them after a stressful fight with James, and it has been a while since I felt one this strong and debilitating .
I awake on my back in a dark room. Rough fabric that feels like an old, worn blanket caresses my skin. There’s a thin pillow underneath my head. It’s like someone hastily put together a cot. It’s a far cry from my bed in Tetria, and my body aches when I try to move it.
Something wet rolls down my cheek, and I brush it away. Tears, I think. I didn’t think I had any left to shed, but a few stubborn ones remain. I force myself into a sitting position to get a better look at where I am and how I got here.
The last thing I remember is Delmare carrying me after my husband forced me away. That damn bastard. It was supposed to be us together. Not this. And now he’s gone. Maybe forever. I don’t feel much of anything.
Just…numb.
I glance around the room until my eyes adjust to the poor lighting. Only the cracks through the wood making up the four walls around me provide a modicum of sunlight. The room is small, only big enough for the cot and a small round table, looking like it could only hold a book, and a wooden chair that leans to the left.
The air smells of fish and saltwater. The room also sways, and the sound of seagulls filter in from outside. Am I on a boat?
My question is answered immediately when I hear a familiar woman’s voice outside, barking orders. A few seconds later, the door to my room opens, assaulting me with sunlight. I squeeze my eyes shut at the sudden intrusion, giving them a second to adjust to the brightness.
“When I said put her on the ship, I didn’t mean here. I’ll fucking kill the grandpa for putting you in here,” a voice growls.
“He couldn’t find anything else, and she needed to lie down!” Another voice I know.
It takes me a moment to make out Atina. I’m surprised she’s here. I thought Nori said her ships were farther away. Atina’s wearing her usual high boots, black pants, and white billowy shirt. Her hair is tied back, reminding me so much of Allarick. Fresh pain slices through my heart, and I have to look away at the other familiar face.
Iris stares at me with a mixture of sadness and pity in her expression. I wish she wouldn’t. I’m sure by now Delmare told her exactly what happened. Or maybe she already knew. Maybe they all knew, and I was the only one left out of the loop.
Atina comes to kneel at my side. I should look at her, but I know I’ll see Allarick in her stare, and I can’t bring myself to see that. Perhaps that makes me weak or a coward. I can’t bring myself to care.
“How are you holding up, Erin?” Even her voice takes on a gentle quality like Allarick’s. Not one that sounds patronizing and makes me feel like a child. One that makes me actually think she cares.
But the question is absurd. How am I doing? After having my heart ripped out by the man I love? Knowing he’s in danger and there’s a big possibility he’s not coming back, which makes Leviathan, Nephilim, and the citizens of Tetria my problem.
There isn’t a word to describe this feeling. I fear if I open my mouth, only sobs will come out. So I just shrug .
“How do you think she’s doing, Atina? That poor girl,” Iris answers for me and moves to crouch down next to me. The three of us don’t fit in here well. Too close. But apparently personal space is not something they care about.
Iris takes my hand in hers. It’s motherly, and that alone is nearly enough to break me. A strangled cry leaves my lips, but tears don’t sting my eyes. I can’t even muster the energy to cry anymore.
“You poor dear. Don’t worry about the merpeople. Delmare, along with a few other guards and Atina’s crew are getting everyone situated in their new temporary homes. They are safe now,” Iris assures.
Selfishly, I hadn’t been thinking about the merpeople and how self-sufficient Allarick’s guardsmen are. I guess they are technically mine now. Although I’m happy everyone seems to be safe, I can’t work up the energy to show I’m happy. I just nod instead.
“Erin,” Atina says softly.
Even though it’s hard to focus on anything other than the debilitating pain, I turn my face in her direction. We stare at each other for what feels like a lifetime. Her warm eyes are full of sorrow.
“Why?” I croak. It’s the one thing I can’t figure out. Why Allarick forced me away.
Atina sighs. “Because men are idiots?” she supplies, and I know it’s meant to lighten the mood, but it falls flat. “I suppose he did it because he loves you. He wanted to keep you safe, and he knew you could protect his people if he failed.”
Part of me understands it. My music can counteract the Leviathan, and if our people need another layer of defense, they are going to need me here. But Allarick needs me too. War rages inside me, not knowing how to feel other than devastated.
“I’m sorry for what my brother did. He should have communicated with you better. Whatever you decide to do next, know you have my support,” Atina says.
“And mine as well, my queen,” Iris says. Having the support of both of these women means everything to me. I just wish I knew what my next moves should be.
“Before we make any decisions, let’s get Erin to my cabin. I’ll fix supper, and she can sleep in,” Atina looks around the small space and scowls, “something that doesn’t resemble a broom closet.”
Atina stands up, dusting off her black pants. Iris tucks a strand of blue hair behind her ear and offers her hand to help me up. I nearly decline, but instead I lean into her touch and allow her to guide me. When I’m finally standing, Iris leads me out.
“I just want you to know, when Delmare brought you here, I made him go back down and get your harp for you. I thought you’d appreciate something that reminds you of…” Iris trails off, suddenly realizing her mistake.
Fresh tears form in my eyes, but I blink them away. Apparently, I still have more to shed. My maid is sweet, but that damn harp is the last thing I want to see right now. It’s a symbol of Allarick and what I lost. So even though the gesture is sweet, it’s not something I want or need right now.
Iris picks up on that and rubs my back soothingly. “ I’ll keep it with me until you’re ready for it. Let’s just get you something to eat.”
Conversations stall as she leads me out of the small room and off the boat. We follow Atina in silence, and I count down the minutes to when I can close my eyes and leave this pain behind me for a few hours.