Chapter 25
Chapter
Twenty-Five
Snow fell from the cloudy sky as Kraghol, Jasper, and Kali walked through the forest. Hoar-frost clung to the bare branches of the trees that stretched up and around them.
“Are you cold?” Kraghol asked.
Jasper shook his head. “I’m fine.”
The snow crunched surprisingly loudly beneath Jasper’s boots. But Kraghol supposed that although Jasper had a very slight frame, he had never been taught to move stealthily like Kraghol had.
He held Jasper’s gloved hand within his own. Still, he could feel the heat of Jasper’s skin through the material.
He smiled down at Jasper. He’d smiled so infrequently in his life. He’d had very little to smile about. At first, the expression had felt alien on his face, the muscle movements strange. Now it felt, well, not normal, but over the past few days, he had grown more accustomed to it.
Is this what happiness feels like?
He couldn’t remember ever having felt anything like this before. Before Jasper, there’d just been an aching loneliness stretching back as long as he could remember.
Except for his time with Kali, that was. That had been a respite from his lifelong loneliness. Then she’d left to be with Jasper.
Being around his own kind never made him feel any less lonely. In fact, being around them strangely made him feel even more isolated. When he gathered with his kin, he became so aware of how he didn’t fit or belong amongst them.
Now he walked with Jasper and Kali, and he didn’t feel alone.
He knew it couldn’t last. No chance of that. Once the bond faded, Jasper’s attachment and interest in him would fade too. Jasper would stop visiting and brightening Kraghol’s world. Kraghol would once again be plunged into darkness and loneliness.
He swallowed, shoving aside those sombre thoughts. He did not need to dwell on those today. Today Jasper was beside him. Today he had a reason to smile.
“It will be Krampus Night in a couple of days,” Jasper said.
Kraghol’s smile vanished in an instant. “Yes.”
“Will you take part?”
“I must.”
“You must?” Jasper’s brows drew together.
“It is expected.” His lips twitched. “If I do not go, my grandmother, sister, and probably even my parents will have something to say. It is the most important event in the year for krampuses. So I must attend. It is my duty.”
Jasper did not speak for several moments. “You don’t like Krampus Night.”
“I—” Kraghol exhaled. “No. I have never liked it.”
“But you still take part every year?”
Kraghol nodded. “It is a part of who we krampuses are. I grew up on stories of it. On Krampus Night, we descend on the city, reminding people to behave and be good. If they do not, they will face the wrath and terror of the monsters that lurk in the shadows.
“In my youth, I wondered why we had to be the ones to fulfil this wretched role,” Kraghol said, throat tight. “Why we had to be the threat.”
Kali trotted ahead, leaving small paw prints in the blanket of white snow that lay untouched before them.
“But even as a young krampus, I knew better than to voice my feelings. My grandmother would have been horrified.” His shoulders tensed. “It would have resulted in scoldings and punishments.”
Kraghol took a deep breath. “Grandmother believes in our purpose. She believes we should be the monsters who instil fear in the hearts of all. She relishes that role. She raised me and my sister to be fearsome and terrifying krampuses.”
Jasper squeezed his hand as they passed a frozen river.
“My sister is a proper krampus. I am not. Grandmother has always been disappointed in me. I have always known this.” Kraghol hesitated. “And my sister is disappointed in me too.”
“I’m sorry. That all sounds so horrible.”
Perhaps Kraghol should not have spoken those words. After all, his grandmother had been the one to raise him. She’d done her duty by him. His sister, too, had always cared for him. He should not be ungrateful and present them in a bad light.
Still, for the first time, he was speaking aloud the words he’d so often felt. It relieved a little of the pressure that had been building inside him since childhood.
“It is not so bad though. You do not need to feel sorry for me, Jasper. At least Krampus Night is only one night a year.”
“But do you really have to go?” Jasper asked. “I mean, you hate it so much.”
“Not going would mean turning my back on being a krampus, on my duty, and on my family. I could not do that.”
“I understand,” Jasper said.
Although, Kraghol could almost hear in Jasper’s tone that he wanted to push back or argue. They walked silently amongst shrubs with dried and shrivelled brown leaves.
Jasper opened his mouth. He shut it. He opened it again. “Maybe after Krampus Night, you could come and visit me in the city. You could see my apartment and the bakery.” He smiled. “I think you’d really—”
Kraghol shook his head. “No.” His heart rate picked up. “I could not do that. I could not go into the city.” He was not so foolish as to try that again.
“But… You’d like the bakery and the apartment,” Jasper pressed. “I’m sure you would.”
Again Kraghol shook his head. His brows furrowed.
Didn’t Jasper understand? He was a krampus! A krampus couldn’t just wonder around the city and visit apartments and bakeries. His breathing came faster.
Kraghol dropped Jasper’s hand. He turned and faced Jasper.
“It doesn’t matter whether or not I’d like it.
” In fact, he’d love to see Jasper’s home and the bakery where he spent so much time.
He’d love to be able to walk into Anorra without being yelled or spat at, or having objects flung at him. “But I don’t belong in such a place.”
Jasper frowned. “In my apartment? Or the bakery?”
“In the city. I do not go there except for Krampus Night. Jasper, the city folk do not wish to see me. They would be horrified.”
Kraghol fought to keep his face blank as images flashed in the back of his mind. A lady screaming at the mere sight of him. “Leave us be, krampus.” Children fleeing before him. “We have enough of your kind on Krampus Night!” A stone being hurled and striking him. “Just fuck off!”
Kraghol tried to keep his breathing steady.
Jasper opened his mouth, but Kraghol spoke first, “I am a creature of darkness! This forest is where I belong.” His hands shook. “Anyone who saw me in the city would scream or run or attack me. I do not belong in Anorra and definitely not in your home.”
Kraghol waved a hand at his grotesque form. “I mean, look at me!”
“I am looking at you, Kraghol.” Jasper gripped his wrist. “I see you. And I say you should come and visit me. Why do you say you don’t belong in Anorra?”
“Because I am a monster!” Kraghol snarled. “There is no place for me there.”
Jasper didn’t speak for a moment. “There could be,” he said softly. “With me.”
But Kraghol just shook his head, tugging his arm from Jasper’s grip.
How could Jasper not see it? How could Jasper not see what he was? Jasper dropped his gaze to the snow between them.
“I wish things were different. I wish I could visit you. I truly do. But I can’t.” Kraghol did not want a repeat of what had happened all those years ago. He couldn’t bear that.
“I don’t see why not,” Jasper said. “One of my brothers is with an orc. Another is with a gargoyle. My sister is with a troll. Some people are arseholes, especially to Graal, the orc, and Orim, the troll. But they still live in Anorra. They have for many years.”
“It’s not the same.” Kraghol shook his head. “They can make lives for themselves in the city. Krampuses cannot. Maybe because they have not spent generations relishing being monsters who terrorise city folk once a year.”
“You don’t relish that either!” Jasper protested.
Kraghol took a deep breath. He didn’t want to tell Jasper about the time he’d tried to enter the city. There was too much shame and pain in that memory to speak it aloud. So he swallowed, and simply said, “I am a krampus. I cannot be a part of your world. Ever. That is all there is to it.”
He turned away then. “It is getting late. I should walk you to the forest edge so you can return home.” He began walking.
After a second, Jasper fell into step beside him.