Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
“Allie, honey?” Jada calls out the following afternoon. “It’s for you.”
Confused but not anxious—which is a first—I set my pen and journal down onto the mattress and stretch my arms above my head.
The past twenty-four hours have been quite… something.
When Jada and Paul came home and I told them about Travis’s visit, Jada admitted that Travis called her after the interview aired, asking if she thought it would be a good idea to come here.
“I hesitated,” she confessed last night. “I didn’t know if you were ready to see him.”
“You did the right thing,” I said, not wanting her to feel bad about something I wasn’t angry about in the first place. “I needed to see him. I needed the wake-up call.”
This morning, during my video call with Dr. Rowland, I told her about what it meant to me that he’d come to California. For me.
“I don’t want to run away anymore. Not from myself or my feelings, and not from him,” I told my therapist. “But I’m scared of what comes next.”
“In what way?” she asked, tilting her blonde head to the side and pushing her glasses up her nose.
“What if I ruin it? I’ve been lying for so long, I’m scared it’s now part of me, and I can’t even see it. What if I find myself lying about small things because that’s what my brain thinks will keep me safe?”
During our first video session, she told me I was very self-aware, which would help in my healing process. I’d never been called self-aware before.
“That’s a very valid worry to have,” she said, her voice always encouraging. “But you aren’t lying to me in our sessions. And when you talk to Jada and Paul, you aren’t lying about your feelings either. Nor did you lie in the interview.
“Therapy is a long journey. After what you’ve been through, it’s going to take a great deal of effort and patience to overcome these obstacles your family has been throwing in your direction for more than a decade. But you can do it. What you need right now is to listen to yourself and respect your wishes. If you want to go out and make friends, do it. If you want to get into a relationship, do it. You’re healthy in far more ways than you realize. Yes, you used to lie, but it never came from a bad place. It came from survival. Now that you don’t have to just survive anymore, you need to relearn how to trust yourself and take risks. We all have trauma that could ruin our relationships—what counts is that we work on ourselves to prevent that from happening, and you’re doing it.”
When we hung up, I plugged in my phone, waited until it was charged, and finally faced what I should’ve never been scared of in the first place.
Charlie
We love you, Allie Cat. We want you to come back. You’re one of us, and your past isn’t gonna change that. We’ll always be best friends.
Jude
Not good with technology, but we miss you, kid. You did what you had to do. Respect to that.
Sandra
Oh, sweetie. My heart breaks for you. Please come back. The Lair isn’t the same without your light. Nobody is angry at you. We could never be.
Lola
Hey, girl. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. I’m here if you need to talk. No judgment, ever 3
After my conversation with Travis yesterday, the urge to pack my things and catch the next flight to Maine become so strong, I have to force myself to pause.
Yes, I want to be with Travis.
Yes, he feels the same for me.
But no, I’m not ready to take that step yet.
I need to find myself first. Not fully, because I know that’s an ongoing process, but just…enough. Enough to give us the chance we deserve.
Now, as I slide my feet into my house slippers and head out of my bedroom, I wonder who could be waiting for me at the door. George, maybe? He hasn’t contacted me about Congress again, and I’m not sure he knows where I live, but Travis didn’t know either, and he showed up anyway.
God, he showed up.
I don’t know what I’ve done to have such a patient, caring man in my life, but I’m grateful for him every day.
When I round the corner of the hallway, I stop.
Travis gives me a lopsided smile that straight up kills me. “Hey.”
Jada sends me a knowing look, her own mouth quivering with the beginning of a smirk. “I’ll leave you two to it.”
If eyes could smile, his are doing it right now. As his gaze travels from my face to my feet, I don’t particularly care that my hair is a mess, that I’m wearing an oversized old T-shirt with a hole in my armpit, or that my house slippers are lobster themed. None of that matters because he’s here. Again.
“You said you wanted to get to know me better,” he starts in that deep rumble that sounds so soothing, I could fall asleep listening to his voice every night. “And I want to know you better too.”
I swallow back my nerves. “I thought you’d already left.”
He shakes his head. “I can stay a few days.” Days . “I’d like to spend them with you, if you want.”
Is this real? Is he real?
“I know you need time and space. I don’t want to be overbearing. But I’d like to see you every day, just for a couple hours, and do stuff together. Just the two of us. If you want. I can leave for Maine right now if you’d rather?—”
“Don’t leave,” I cut him off, emotion clogging my voice. “Please don’t.”
Those massive shoulders visibly relax. “I won’t. Not unless you ask me to.”
“I won’t ever ask you to leave.”
His smirk is devastating. So, so devastating, it makes me weak in the knees.
“Give me ten minutes to get ready,” I tell him, forcing myself to act like a normal person. “Or did you not want to hang out today?”
The corner of his mouth tilts a little higher, and I swear this is the happiest I’ve ever seen him. “I want to, if you’re free.”
I waste no time nodding.
“I’ll wait in the car outside,” he tells me, suddenly sounding a little shy. “Take as much time as you need. I’m in no rush.”
As he shuts the front door behind him and I head back to my room, my heart pounding, I wonder if this would count as our first date.
January in Los Angeles isn’t exactly cold, especially compared to the East Coast, but the light breeze makes me hug my jacket tighter against my front all the same. Maybe it’s just nerves.
Travis is waiting for me in the car as he said he would. Right as I’m closing the front door behind me, he steps out into the driveway to open the passenger door for me—which melts my insides but also isn’t helping my first date suspicions. Is that what this is? Or does he just want to spend time with me as a friend?
I could always ask, but I enjoy torturing myself.
“Thank you,” I tell him shyly, pretty sure my cheeks are bright red.
If they weren’t before, they sure are now that he’s smiling down at me in that handsome way.
“Where are we going?” I ask him once he’s behind the wheel again.
He starts the car and checks the rearview mirror before pulling out of Jada and Paul’s driveway. “First, to get food.”
I smirk. “That doesn’t sound vague at all.”
“This is about getting to know each other, isn’t it?” He starts down the residential road, my eyes falling on his hands as he drives. God, I’d forgotten how attractive he makes everything look. “Tell you what, I like surprises.”
My eyebrows shoot up at that. “You do?”
“You sound shocked.”
“I just thought…” Honesty, Allie. Speak your mind. He won’t be offended. “I’ve always thought you were kind of a control freak, and they don’t usually like surprises.”
“You’re not wrong. I like to keep things under control,” he concedes as he takes a turn. “What I meant is that I like surprising people. Those I care about anyway.”
“What’s the biggest surprise you’ve given Uncle Neil?”
“Other than that one time I went home with my hair cut in odd places, like he told you?” I nod, the reminder of our conversation making me laugh. I’d give anything to see a picture of that. “I got him a car a few years ago. Told him it was mine, sat him behind the wheel so he could try it out, and then gave him the keys and told him it was for him. He almost cried. He will deny it if asked, but those eyes were glassy.”
And I thought this man couldn’t get more attractive. “That’s the sweetest thing ever, Travis. How about getting surprises yourself?”
He shrugs those massive shoulders. “Only if I trust the person who’s giving me a surprise.”
“Makes sense. So, food. I don’t know what you had planned, but I want us to eat your favorite food tonight.”
He sneaks a quick glance at me. “My favorite food?”
I hum.
“What if you don’t like it? Today is for you as much as it is for me,” he says with a hint of worry.
“I’ll like it,” I tell him with conviction. “And if I don’t—which I doubt because I’m not a picky eater—then I’ll never eat it again. Simple. But I want to know this about you. Pretty please?”
He shakes his head, the corner of his lips tilting upward. “Can’t say no to you.”
We end up getting Chinese takeout. I haven’t had it in years, and I don’t remember if I liked it or not, but the car is filled with the most heavenly smell as Travis drives us somewhere else—another surprise.
Twenty minutes later, he stops the car at a place I haven’t been to before. Perched on a hill, the imposing cupola of the observatory offers a clear view of the Los Angeles skyline. Paired with the sun that’s starting to disappear on the horizon, giving the sky an orange-pink glow, it takes my breath away.
Travis grabs the takeout bags and something else from the trunk, but I’m barely paying attention. My eyes stay glued to the horizon, and before I know it, my throat clogs up.
Los Angeles has never felt like home to me. Home to the worst years of my life, sure. Home to fond memories, happy times, and freedom? No. Not at all. I couldn’t wait to get out of here when I was younger, and I swore I’d never come back.
So why is my heart constricting now—and not in an uncomfortable way—as I look at the skyline of the place that has taken so much from me?
“Everything okay?” Travis’s heat seeps into my skin as he places a hand on the small of my back.
I lean into his touch. “It’s stunning, isn’t it?”
If I’d been looking at him, I would’ve noticed his eyes on me as he says, “Beautiful.”
My throat is so dry, I have to swallow. “Why don’t I hate it anymore?”
“The city?”
I nod, finding that speaking about this is easier than I’d ever expected. “I told myself I’d never come back, but here I am. I don’t want to stay here for the rest of my life, but I also don’t… I don’t want to run away like I used to.”
He pulls me closer until my forehead is pressed against his chest and I’m wrapped in the familiar scent of him. “I’m so fucking proud of you,” he mutters against the top of my hair. “I’m proud of you for feeling that way. You know what it means?”
I’m starting to, but I want his perspective. “What?”
“Growth.” One simple word. One simple truth. “You’re not letting them take your joy away anymore.”
I’m grateful he sees it that way because I do too.
His stomach chooses that moment to rumble, and I pull away, chuckling. “Someone’s hungry.”
Is that a blush on his cheeks?
With a half-amused, half-embarrassed shake of his head, he intertwines his fingers with mine. “Come on. Let’s find a spot.”
With my heart frantically beating inside my rib cage because Travis and I are holding hands , I don’t notice the picnic blanket in his other hand until we stop on the manicured lawns in front of the observatory.
He only lets go of my hand to lay the picnic blanket on the grass, and then he takes it again to help me sit down. As we get out all the takeout containers and arrange them on the blanket, I get a comforting sense of privacy despite us not being alone in the gardens. No, not privacy—intimacy.
“I can’t believe you’re taking me on a picnic,” I tell him with a smile once we start opening the delicious-smelling containers.
“Maybe I should’ve asked first,” he muses out loud.
“Hey.” I cover his hand with mine, stopping that train of thought. “I’ve never been on a picnic before, so this is perfect. I trust you, Travis. And you have great taste, you know? This place is amazing.”
He visibly relaxes, turning our hands around so he’s holding mine. It’s that subtle act of dominance that makes my lower area tingle, a foreign sensation that’s not unwelcome.
“I do have great taste. I hired you after all, didn’t I?” he teases.
We let go of each other’s hands so I can open a container with spring rolls, my mouth salivating. “You know, I’ve always wondered why you hired me in the first place. I thought you hated me.”
He grunts. “I had a gut feeling.”
“A gut feeling, huh?” I tease him right back as I take a bite. It takes everything in me not to moan. “This is delicious, by the way.”
“Glad you like it.” His smile is small but genuine before he dives into one himself. “I don’t know what else to call it. I didn’t like you that much at first.”
I gape at him. “Excuse me?”
His low chuckle makes it impossible for me to even stay fake mad at him. “Wasn’t personal. I don’t like anyone at first.”
“So what did that gut feeling tell you about me?”
He takes his time to chew and swallow before speaking again. “I don’t exactly know. I’m not great at identifying my feelings. Takes me a while. I suspected you’d be a good worker, and I was right.”
I plop a sweet-and-sour shrimp into my mouth. “You keep saying that you’re not good with feelings.”
“Because I’m not. My therapist says it’s a childhood thing.”
“I like that you’re going to therapy,” I tell him honestly. “I mean, not many men do. Or women, I suppose. It took me years to book an appointment because I was scared of them judging me for my past, but my therapist is amazing. Best decision I’ve ever made.”
He grabs another spring roll. “It took me years to take that step too. I started with group therapy.”
“For veterans?”
He nods. “It helped me understand that getting professional help didn’t make me weak. I’ve been with my current therapist for five years. She’s helping me with the whole feelings thing, but it’s a slow process.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation, I think you’re doing great. I’m not that good with feelings, either, so I get it.”
“Why not?”
The sky is clear, turning darker as the minutes go by. “Same thing, I suppose—my childhood. My parents would dismiss my feelings, call me dramatic and such.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks. “I hope you don’t believe that anymore.”
He sounds angry, but I know it’s not at me.
“I’m learning to let it go. Jada and Paul have always helped me a lot with that. With everything, really.”
“You’re close with them,” he observes, sounding calmer.
“Jada knew what I was going through at home and stepped in, even after I graduated from her class. Her husband too. They’ve always had my back.”
“I could tell she really loves you from a phone call alone.”
He passes me the kung pao chicken, and I smirk. “Right. I keep forgetting you’ve become buddies behind my back.”
“She seems like a sensible woman. I like her. Haven’t met her husband, but if he’s good to you, I’ll like him too.”
Conversation is easy throughout dinner. As the night descends upon the city, he tells me about his time in the Navy—he sticks to the more lighthearted stories—and I tell him about my good memories with Jada and Paul. He tells me what it was like to grow up with Uncle Neil, and I tell him what it was like to live in different parts of the country.
When we’re done cleaning up, Travis gets up and holds out a hand in my direction. “Next surprise?”
I have a feeling I already know what it’ll be. But I only smile at him and accept that the butterflies in my stomach will keep growing the more time I spend around him, and that’s fine by me.
Because Travis feels like the home I never expected to find.
After we throw our empty containers in the trash and take the picnic blanket back to the car, we head for the observatory. Every corner is fascinating, and as we make our way through the different exhibits, I can’t help but ask Travis, whose hand hasn’t left the small of my back since we walked in, “Not that I’m complaining because I’m having fun, but why did you bring me here?”
As we both look up at the giant models of the planets hanging from the ceiling, he tells me, “I’m not sure my uncle even remembers this, and I haven’t told anyone else, but I’m a huge space nerd.”
“That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Heat climbs up his cheeks. “Not sure anyone’s ever called me cute before.”
“Well, you are.” I get on my tiptoes and press my lips to his bearded cheek because it feels right. “Thank you for bringing me here. For the picnic, and everything else you’re doing for me.”
His hand moves until he’s holding my waist. The intensity of his gaze makes my breathing stop. “I’d do anything for you, Allie.”
My eyes drop to his mouth, and I debate how idiotic it’d be to kiss him right now when we both agreed to take it slow.
“Excuse me?” a shy, feminine voice asks behind us.
Turning, I come face-to-face with two women around my age. “Hi,” I greet them a little nervously.
The two women exchange a quick look before one of them says, “We’re really sorry to bother you. We just wanted to know if you’re Allie Buccieri? From that TV interview?”
I expect my stomach to turn, my mouth to get dry, my hands to start shaking. Everything around me disappears for a moment, even Travis, and I hear it—my heart telling me that I’m safe. That whatever these women want to tell me, I’ll be fine.
Because my past no longer holds the power to destroy my future.
“I am,” I say. I feel Travis’s eyes on me, but he stays quiet.
“We just wanted to tell you that you were very brave,” the other woman says. “We had no idea you’d gone through all of that. It must have been horrible.”
“It really opened our eyes to what we should post online,” her friend says. “Like, really . It was so admirable.”
“Thank you,” I tell them honestly.
I don’t know what else to say because I’ve never been in this situation before, but luckily, they speak again before it has the chance to turn awkward.
“No, thank you ,” the same woman says before sliding her gaze up to Travis. “We just wanted to tell you that. I hope we didn’t ruin your date.”
My heart jumps at that word. “It’s fine. I really appreciate you being so kind to me.”
“It’s nothing,” her friend says. “Hope you guys enjoy your night.”
“You too,” Travis tells them, squeezing my waist. When they’re gone, he lowers his mouth to my ear and whispers, “Did I tell you I’m fucking proud of you?”
I turn my head until his lips graze my cheek. “And did I tell you I’m glad you’re here?”
He nuzzles his nose behind my ear, a whole sky of goose bumps erupting on my skin. I love him. I love him so much.
Nobody else comes up to us as we finish looking at the exhibit, and I find myself not paying attention to my surroundings. It’s weird, I realize, how I’m not in survival mode anymore despite my face being all over TV and social media these days. I don’t feel in danger, and I know it’s partly because I feel strong and capable having Travis by my side and partly because my worst fear came to life and I’m still standing.
I survived, and I’ll do it again as many times as I have to.