Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
NATE
I’m such an asshole.
I smack my hand off my steering wheel and growl into the air.
No matter what I do—or what I intend to do—I keep making shit worse. Why couldn’t I have talked to Paige last night when I got home? Why couldn’t I have at least been cordial this morning?
Because you still had fire roaring through your veins at the sight of her talking to that douchebag.
And I was a little embarrassed.
I need to talk to Paige. I need to try to explain myself and, first and foremost, apologize. She’s livid, and she has every right to be.
Yet she was still sweet enough to make Ryder pancakes this morning.
My heart squeezes in my chest, and it compounds the guilt riding on my shoulders.
Listening to her talk to him while she made him breakfast nearly killed me.
She was so gentle with him and handled a tricky topic so well, even sharing a part of her life that she doesn’t ever really talk about.
But she opened up to my kid to make him feel better.
Fuck.
I take a left at the stoplight.
What do I say to her? Where do we go from here?
Are we done? Does she see through me and just want to be left alone? Because I wouldn’t blame her if she did.
Or is something between us salvageable, and if so, what does that look like?
My stomach churns like it has all night and all day.
I don’t know.
I don’t see a way of resolving this.
If we stay friends, clearly I won’t be able to stand seeing her with another man. Because that kiss? That kiss made every part of me feel alive. The taste of her. Holding her soft cheeks. Feeling as though she was mine to take.
It turns out that I don’t have to have sex with her to feel territorial. I already feel like she’s mine, and no one else deserves her. Not that I do either. But at least I know I’d protect her and care for her and not treat her like shit.
Even though that’s kind of what I’ve done lately.
“Fucking hell,” I grumble.
But what if we try a relationship together? Would that make any sense?
It really seems like it’s that or we never see each other again because I’m not mature enough to handle anything in between.
But there would be no point in trying something with Paige. I want forever, and she’s scared of it. Unless I could get her to see it’s possible.
But could I see forever with her?
All day, I’ve driven around Savannah and mulled this over.
I was going to call Dominic for advice but realized he’d just berate me for being an idiot, and I can do that myself.
I’ve tried to get some space, some fresh air—some perspective.
But, if anything, it’s made me look at the last eight months and see something quite surreal.
Throughout all the banter and flirting, we’ve grown close.
I’ve trusted her with things that I rarely give to others.
Parts of what makes me, me. I’ve focused on thinking I want someone mature and stable, but the fact of the matter is—maturity isn’t determined by age.
Our friendship is … was solid because we’ve been real with each other.
I allowed her to stay in my house because I trust her with my son, my world.
And I wouldn’t do that with just anybody.
The only time you do that with someone is if you’re already in a relationship, right? Isn’t that just perfect.
And I’m more than pissed because I think I might’ve blown it.
The fact that she might be gone when I get home has my stomach so tight that I think I might throw up.
The very real possibility that she might tell me to fuck off has my palms sweaty.
The idea that she might walk out of my life completely feels like a hole has been drilled in my heart, and that’s when I know I’ve already started to see the potential of forever with her.
Do I actually want that? I don’t know. Epiphanies can take a while to process, apparently. And is it even real, considering her take on things? It’s a potential problem.
All I know is I like the idea of my life a whole lot better with her in it than the feel of it without her.
Ryder already loves her, too, so it’s not like I’m bringing her into his life for the first time. I’ve already pooched that kick. So maybe if we take it slow, not act like it’s a big deal in front of him, it’ll be okay.
If she’ll even consider it. And if she doesn’t … Ugh.
I turn onto my street and then into my driveway. Her car sits in her spot, and seeing it there is a huge relief.
I kill the engine and hop out of my truck, jiggling my keys in my hands as I get to the front door.
Lead with the apology. You have to own what you did last night.
I open the door and step inside. It’s quiet. Shutting the door softly behind me, I then measure my steps to find her.
I’m nearly to the living room when I hear a clinking noise behind me. I whirl around just in time to see Paige see me.
Holy. Shit.
All thoughts of apologies and forever go out the window because all I can think about is right now.
Her legs are a mile long, the tops of her thighs covered by a piece of denim. A white top hugs her torso with two tiny buttons just under her cleavage. Red lipstick draws attention to her kissable mouth, and it takes me a minute to remember English.
“Oh,” she says in a way that makes it impossible to distinguish how she feels. She runs a hand through her wavy hair. “I didn’t know you were home.”
The light catches on her bracelets as she drops her hand.
Remember how to speak. Talk!
I clear my throat.
“Don’t worry,” she says, heading for the door. “I know you aren’t speaking to me.”
“Where are you going?”
“Out.”
Dressed like that? “Where, Paige?”
She pivots on those sexy black boots and tries to rip my soul apart with her glare. It’s so cold, so icy that I shiver.
“You know what? Fuck off.” She narrows her eyes. “I don’t owe you anything while you definitely owe me an apology.”
I think she thinks I should apologize for something different than I think I should say I’m sorry for. And that irritates the hell out of me.
“What do you want me to apologize for? For not letting you run off with what’s-his-face?” I ask, my voice a little louder than I care to admit.
The longer I think about him touching her, the madder I become. Steam rolls out of my ears as I think about that shit’s hands touching those tanned legs or worse—what’s between them.
He won’t care about her. He’ll only care about getting a piece of ass and that makes me want to blow. She’s so much more than that.
Paige laughs angrily. “You didn’t not let me do anything, bud.
You acted like a fool in front of the whole damn bar and then thought, what?
That you could kiss me and dazzle me with your expertise, and I’d forget the whole damn thing?
I don’t know who you thought you were dealing with, but you must’ve forgotten. ”
She turns toward the door. I leap forward and grab her hand. She flings it off her and faces me, her fingers clenching at her sides.
“I didn’t forget who I was dealing with. I know exactly who I was dealing with, and that’s why I stepped in,” I say.
“Well, I’m on my way to see Griffin tonight. What are you going to do about that?”
“Dressed like that?”
“Hopefully not for long.”
She tenses her jaw, staring me down. I scowl back at her.
This is not how I wanted this to go, but I can’t figure out how to defuse the situation now.
“We need to talk,” I say, the words shaking. “Now.”
She steps to me like a fighter in the ring. “If we talk, it’ll be when I say. You don’t get to call the shots, Nate. You had a chance—multiple ones. And you blew it.” She lifts her chin. “Besides, we’re just friends. Why do you even care?”
It’s a taunt. She’s leveled another challenge my way, and all I can think of are the words I told her long ago—Don’t take challenges you can’t win.
Slowly, a smile spreads across my face. Game on, baby.
I walk toward her. She walks backward. Her eyes go wide as her back hits the wall, rattling a piece of artwork.
Her breathing is rushed as she breathes in and out quickly. Her pupils dilate as she watches me watch her.
My insides burn, my fingers itch to grab her and pull her to me. To make her mine.
But first …
“You want to know why I care?” I ask her. “Because I’m not about to let you run off and fuck some guy because I got it all wrong.”
Her lips part. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That means that I—”
“No. You know what? I don’t care.”
She presses her hands against my chest, but I don’t budge.
“Yes, you do,” I say, looking down at her. “You care as much as I do. You care so much it scares you.”
Her hands drop from my torso, and she stills.
I take a breath in an attempt to settle myself before I just scoop her up and kiss the hell out of her.
“You want to know what I think?” I ask.
“No.”
But her tone says differently. It shakes, wobbling just enough to give me an opening.
“I think you’ve been covering how you really feel about me with your little flirting games and innuendos, thinking if you make light of it, you don’t have to face the truth.”
She falls back against the wall again.
I step even closer. “I’ve avoided you. I’ve turned you down. I’ve told myself a thousand times, jacked off in the shower more times than I can count just imagining your tight little body wrapped around me, that we were incompatible. That I should leave you alone.”
She gasps.
I plant my hands on the wall just above her head, caging her in. Her eyes widen even more, but she doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t pull away.
“But do you know what I realized today?” I ask her, my voice gravelly.
“What?” she whispers.
“I realized that it doesn’t matter what I tell myself. You’re already my girl in my head.”
Hearing the words out loud scares the shit out of me. Knowing that my admission might make her panic. It might be too much for her.
But if me telling her the truth, the way I truly feel, is too much for her, then I damn well would be too much for her too. If that’s the case, she should just go now.
“That means you have two choices,” I say, fear creeping up my spine.
“The first one is this—if you walk out that door today, you can’t come back because I can’t take it.
I’m gonna get arrested, Paige. I can’t take the thought of you being with someone else, especially after I know what your mouth feels like against mine. ”
“Or?”
“Or you stay here with me, and we address this situation we’ve found ourselves in.”
The silence extends between us. We just stare at each other, inches apart, and breathe in the same air. My inhale is her exhale. If she breathed too deeply, her chest would hit mine. If I move a muscle, flex my forearm just a bit, it would brush against the side of her head.
But neither of us does that.
Instead, I wait for her to react. And with every second that passes, I think she’s going to leave.
“What did you mean when you said you got it all wrong?” she asks, her voice strong and clear.
That’s my girl.
“I meant that I was wrong. I gave you just enough to hang yourself with,” I say. “I told you no, drew lines in the sand, and then crossed them when it was convenient for me.”
She didn’t expect me to say that. The long breath she releases is proof.
“I did all of that to keep us from getting here because I thought—incorrectly—that getting here was avoidable. That somehow, someway, we could just continue as friends and avoid the chemistry boiling between us.”
“Nate …”
“I’m sorry. And I don’t know what all this means or how it could work, but I’m telling you this—I’m past the point of no return.
Either you’re mine or you’re not. And if you’re not, let me rent you a hotel room, and we’ll work separate shifts or something because I’m not strong enough to see you, knowing you’re not …
mine. That’s totally a me problem, and I get that. ”
I don’t know what goes through her mind or what she actually thinks about what I’ve said. But I know the moment that it happens.
She lifts her chin and raises off the wall. Atoms are the only thing between us now.
My insides pull taut. My heart races. My brain screams at me to kiss her now.
Instead, I keep my gaze glued to hers and wait.
Finally, she ducks under my arm and walks to the table. I hang my head and sigh.
Fuck!
I turn around to see her set her purse on a chair. Then she faces me.
“Now it’s my turn,” she says, the strength in her voice slipping.
“For what?”
“You have two choices.”
“Between …?”
She licks her lips. “Choice one is that we can stand here all night and address this situation.”
“Or?”
A slow, so-fucking-slow grin slips across her kissable lips. My whole body comes alive, pushing, pulling, all-out boiling for this woman.
God, help me.
“Or you can get over here and undress me instead.”