Chapter 35 Shiloh
Thirty-Five
Shiloh
I watched, my heart in my throat, trying to read Ronan’s reaction. What if he never wanted a kid? What if this was too much? What if…
He put his hand on his chest. “Mine?”
That word, in his broken voice, broke my heart too.
“Yours.”
Ronan nodded vaguely. His gray eyes went between us, and then he turned and walked back out the door.
A gasp came from the dining room.
I looked to my mother. “Mama?”
She rushed forward to take August out of my arms, and I hurried outside, fear flooding me that Ronan was walking away from me. From us.
But he was sitting on the bottom step, hands dangling off his knees. He shook his head, staring at nothing. I shut the door behind me, gathered my dress, and sat beside him.
“Talk to me,” I said. “Please.”
“How did this happen? When?” he asked, still not looking at me, his voice low.
“The last night we spent together. I’d been sick and not thinking after Mama dropped her bomb on me. I didn’t take my pill, and you didn’t ask if I had.”
“You were upset that night,” he said. “I’d have done whatever you asked to make you feel better.”
“I know,” I said gently. “I’m saying we’re both responsible. We made him together, and he’s not a mistake that someone needs to take the blame for. But it was hard, Ronan. You not knowing…”
“I’m glad.”
“What? You’re glad?”
“Mostly, I’m fucking wrecked, Shiloh,” he said, his voice cracking.
“But part of me is glad, because I’d have gone insane knowing what you were going through when I couldn’t be there.
Watching him grow up through prison bars…
his first memories of me as a criminal, like my dad. That would’ve fucking killed me.”
“You’re not a criminal, Ronan. I knew the truth before Frankie made it real, and I’ve been telling August about you since the beginning.
About what kind of man his daddy is. How you always do whatever you think is best to protect those you love.
” My voice wavered. “Even if it means you had to be away for a long time. Even then…”
“Fuck, Shiloh.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I continued. “They saw what they wanted to see. But you’re here now, and that’s all that matters.”
“Whatever you need,” he said roughly. “You and him… I’ll take care of you both. You won’t have to do this alone.”
“I didn’t do it alone,” I said. “I had help. Mama and Bibi and the money you gave me. The only way I would spend it was to take care of August and to make sure the business stayed afloat to support us. To build something for you to come home to.”
He shook his head, years of regret still hanging heavily over him. “You’re so brave, Shiloh. So fucking brave.”
“I hardly ever feel brave. I think scared shitless and exhausted are my default settings.” I laced my hand in his. There was a scar on one of his knuckles that hadn’t been there before. “I just did what I had to do. Like you.” I kissed the scar and pressed his fingers to my cheek. “How bad was it?”
“I did what I had to do,” he said with a shrug that told me it was harder than he’d ever let on. “I got a degree.”
“You did?”
“They have adult education programs at San Quentin. I got an AA in business management. It didn’t make sense, even as I was doing it. I thought I was serving ten years and that you and I were…done.”
“Impossible.”
“Something told me to keep going. To get the degree and not give up.”
“You were building something to come home to too.”
“Home,” he said, like he didn’t know what the word meant.
“Yes, home. You and me and Bibi and our little boy. You have a home now. A family, if you want it.” I swallowed hard. “Do you…want that?”
Do you want to be his daddy?
A muscle in his jaw ticked as he struggled to contain the emotion I could feel rising in him.
“Christ, Shiloh,” he said tightly. “I thought having you back would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. But seeing him…” He heaved a shaky sigh. “I had no idea I could feel like this.”
“Like…happy?”
“So fucking happy, it doesn’t feel real.”
A little sob erupted from my throat, and Ronan’s arms went around me and pulled me in, letting me feel the solidity and permanence of him for the first time.
I sagged in relief so strong, it left me weak while the purest joy rushed in.
I clung to him, my Ronan, who gave everything and asked for nothing in return.
Who’d lived his entire life in an empty void so that he didn’t trust the love that was his or believe he deserved it.
He kissed me then, the sweetest, best kiss of my life. The kiss that sealed our promises and tears that washed three years away and let us start again.
“Come on,” I said, tugging him to his feet. “You need to meet your son properly.”
“You keep saying those words, and my heart explodes.”
“Wait until he calls you Daddy for the first time.”
“Christ.”
We stepped back inside the house. Bibi was bustling around the kitchen. Mama sat with August on her lap on the floor, the two of them going through a huge picture book.
“Is that them?” Bibi called, sounding nervous. “Are they back?”
“We’re back,” I said.
“Hey, Bibi. Marie,” Ronan said in a low voice.
“Hello, honey,” Bibi said, shuffling into the dining area. Her hands twisted in front of her like she didn’t know what to do with herself, and I realized she’d been waiting for this day just as much as I had been. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. How are you doing? Big day, isn’t it?”
He nodded, his gaze glued to August. “Yeah,” he said faintly. “The biggest.”
“I believe I’m in your spot, Ronan,” Mama said with a smile. She set August down and stood up, giving Ronan’s hand a short squeeze.
Ronan sat on the floor with August and me, still looking a little shell-shocked.
“He’s all you,” he said.
“Not all me,” I said. “He’s got a lot of you in him.”
August studied Ronan with his big brown eyes solemnly. “Mama, who dat?”
“Do you remember how I said your daddy had to be away for a long time?”
He nodded.
“Well, he’s home now. What do you think of that?”
August considered this. “Daddy home now,” he said, more curious than wary.
“I’ll stay somewhere else,” Ronan said to me. “Take it slow.”
I hated the thought, but he was right. And the fact that Ronan was already doing right by his son…
My poor heart isn’t going to make it through this day.
Ronan cleared his throat and picked up the picture book. “You reading this book? Hey, that’s a lot of trucks.”
August studied his father for a moment more, and then my heart nearly burst when he toddled over to him and situated himself on his lap.
From the couch, Mama clapped a hand to her mouth.
“Truck!” August said, pointing at a yellow dump truck on a page of trains, cars, and construction vehicles.
“And what’s this?” Ronan asked, his finger on a freight train.
“Train!” August said. “Dis a fire truck,” he said, pointing. “An’ dis right here, dis a race car.”
“Sure is.” Ronan looked at me, his eyes full. “Smart kid.”
They finished the picture book and moved on to a book about a grouchy caterpillar, and then Bibi announced from the kitchen that it was dinnertime. The scents of beef stroganoff and warm bread filled the house.
“You ready for dinner, little man?” I asked.
August nodded and held his arms up for me. I picked him up as Ronan got to his feet, and the three of us stood for a moment together. August’s chubby fist wrapped around a handful of my braids, his large eyes still on Ronan. Then he put his hand on Ronan’s cheek.
“Dis my daddy,” he said like a proclamation.
Ronan and I looked at each other.
“Now it’s official.” I smiled through tears. “Guess you’re stuck with us.”
“Guess I am,” he said and smiled back—the real, genuine smile I’d been waiting years to see. So beautiful. So much him.
“You’re staying for dinner, right, Ronan?” Bibi asked, then snorted and muttered to herself. “What am I saying? Of course he is.”
“Stay,” I whispered. “For always.”
He leaned in and kissed me softly. “For always.”
I closed my eyes, letting the bliss wash over me, filling in all my broken pieces, making me whole.
We moved to the dining room, and Ronan went to Bibi.
“I didn’t get a chance to say hello,” he said, his voice thick.
“You were a little busy getting acquainted,” she replied. “Oh, honey.”
I watched as he bent his tall, powerful frame to hug her. I watched how she closed her eyes against his shoulder, holding him tight. And how she seemed bigger than him somehow—his shelter from the storm, like she’d been for me my entire life.
My battered heart rejoiced and finally knew peace because my beautiful man, who’d been lost and cut adrift, was safe at last.
“My darling boy.” Bibi took his face in his hands and kissed his cheek. “Welcome home.”