Chapter 22
22
As we left the pool to get ready for dinner, anticipation hummed in the air. I wondered if Moon and Sol’s absence was a tactic, a way to get us to revere them before they actually appeared.
I headed back to my yurt, relieved I’d stayed dry so I didn’t have to brave the showers. My brain whirred as I got dressed. As much as I hated to admit it, Jonah’s explanation made sense. His presence was making me more suspicious of the Center, not less. It wouldn’t be logical for Moon and Sol to plant him in this group, not if I already knew him.
I thought back to his phrase: pool our resources. Did he have information about Catherine that I didn’t?
Another question: When were we going to start “the sessions,” and what exactly would they entail? My chest squeezed with anxiety as I plopped on the bed. I picked up my diary and flipped through it, noting the rounded letters amongst an abundance of drawn flowers, hearts, and smiley faces. I stopped and read from a random page.
I am SOOO mad I’m shaking. Melissa is acting like such a b-word!!! We were supposed to have a sleepover this weekend and watch Stargirl and I was really looking forward to it. Adam and his idiot friends have been really mean this week. And then on FRIDAY MORNING she tells me that she has to go to a family thing and can’t do the sleepover anymore. And then… I overhear in the bathroom that ASHLEY’S having a sleepover that night. Guess who’s going. My BFF. Right.
I had no memory of that, but it didn’t surprise me. Melissa and queen bee Ashley had started hanging out during basketball camp the summer before eighth grade. Throughout that next year, Melissa had slowly but surely moved into the cool girls’ orbit. But not all at once. Maybe that’s what had made it so painful—sometimes she’d act like everything was normal between us.
I turned to another page.
I had an AWESOME dream last night about Sebastian Smith. He was in my class and we were assigned to do a project together and he was always coming over. We liked each other and even snuggled under a blanket once (with our clothes on of course!!). Then we were walking through school holding hands and Mike was joking and singing “Sebastian and Thea are getting married!” It was SUCH a great dream!!!
I thought back to the podcast where Moon had been talking about her crush, how her aloneness had led to its intensity. I think a lot of young girls in particular are told that all we need is our prince to feel better.
“Thea… coming?” Mikki called from outside my door.
“Yeah.” I set down the diary, feeling disoriented, like I’d been ripped out of another world. I grabbed a jean jacket; the temperature was dropping with the sun. “Be right there.”
The dining room was lined in wooden panels, the one respite from the mosaics covering the rest of the castle’s walls. The high-ceilinged room featured a giant stone fireplace and a long wooden table set with a rainbow of ceramic plates. Two large chandeliers made of colorful glass parrots cast a warm light. Tantalizing smells emanated from the kitchen: roasted vegetables and clove and cardamom.
“That smells so good,” Mikki muttered. She’d changed into a long black dress and slicked on lipstick. I locked eyes with Jonah, who sat between Dawne and Ramit. He looked away, nodding at something Dawne was saying. I squared my shoulders and followed Mikki to the table as she settled across from them.
“Hi, girls!” Dawne beamed. She’d also dressed up, with smoky eye makeup and a pleather blazer. “Ready to meet our gurus?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Mikki poured us glasses of water from a pitcher.
Ramit raised a hand to greet us, his eyes darting down to the table. He seemed a little nerdy, a little shy. I knew how he felt.
“So it’s just the six of us?” Mikki asked. She pointed and named everyone. “Ramit, Jonah, Dawne, Thea, me, and… where’s Karen?”
“I’m here!” Karen flew into the open chair next to Mikki. “Hi, all.” She shrugged off her fleece, revealing a T-shirt that said I’M A KNITTER NOT A QUITTER .
“All right.” Mikki leaned back in her seat. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
As if summoned, Grace strode in. “Hi, guys!” She paused at the empty seat at the head of the table, then smoothed back her neon orange hair. Beads of sweat lined her upper lip. “Food’s almost ready, so I wanted to share a few announcements. First, we’re a substance-free retreat. So no drugs or alcohol, and if you’re found using anything, we have to ask you to leave. It’s on the website, but if you missed it and brought something, just put it away. We need everyone to be totally clearheaded as we do this deep work.”
I guess I hadn’t been expecting copious cocktails, but… nothing whatsoever? No wine ?
“And now.” Grace grinned. “It’s time to introduce you to the people you came to see.” She gestured to the door. “Please welcome… Moon and Sol!”
But only one person strolled into the space: Sol. He was more attractive than the pictures had suggested, or maybe it was his energy—confident, calm. He was tall and rangy with a yoga body, shaggy blond hair, a trim beard, and bright blue eyes. His grin dug furrows on either side of his mouth, his eyes crinkling.
He also looked slightly familiar. Who did he remind me of?
The room hushed with expectation.
“Hello.” Sol grasped the back of the chair at the head of the table. A silver wedding ring glinted. “How’s everyone doing today?”
The smooth, drawling voice from the podcast—it was strange to hear it coming from a live human being.
We muttered back hi s and hello s.
He held up an invisible mic to his face and cried: “I said : How’s everyone doing today?”
“Great!” Dawne and Karen both shouted, and everyone laughed.
“Good, good.” He chuckled, looking down for a moment. “Ohh, that’s obnoxious, isn’t it? You guys like my motivational speaker impersonation?”
Dawne clapped, grinning widely, and Mikki gave a joking fist pump.
“Well, let me just say: welcome to the Center.” He leaned down, casually resting his arms on the back of the chair. His expression became serious, and without the scaffolding of a big smile, he looked older. “I want to first acknowledge the land we’re on: the unceded territory of the Mescalero Apache. As a white man it’s important to me that we remember the devastation that our forefathers have wrought. Let’s have a moment of silence.” He dipped his head. Everyone else looked down, though I caught Mikki studying him. She appeared to be the only woman of color here.
“All right.” Sol raised his head. “I also want to start tonight by saying this: If you do see me acting like a motivational speaker, please let me know. Because I’m not here to motivate anyone. If you’re here, then you’re here for a reason. My job is to help facilitate the change that you came to make. So.” He straightened and clapped his large hands. “Let’s hear some reasons why you’re here.”
There was silence.
“Relationships!” Karen finally called out.
“Yes.” Sol angled his upper body towards her. “What about relationships?”
“Well, I’m divorced and single.” She shrugged. “So clearly I suck at them.”
Everyone chuckled, relieving some of the nervous tension.
“Oh yeah?” Sol grinned.
“Yeah. A friend suggested I get my butt here pronto.”
“Gotcha. What’s your name, dear?”
Dear. Yuck. That was condescending.
She didn’t seem to mind. “Karen.” She shifted. “From Tempe, Arizona.”
“Karen from Tempe, Arizona. Thank you for speaking up first. That’s a good answer, right? I imagine a lot of people here can relate. Anyone else have a different answer?” His eyes roamed the table, passing over me, startling me with the intensity of his gaze. I felt suddenly anxious, like I might be called to come up in front of the class.
“I’m here for the same reason,” Dawne said. “Except I always find other people who suck at relationships.”
Sol’s eyes trained on her. “And you are?”
“Dawne.” She nervously twirled a lock of hair. “With an e .”
“Dawne with an e ,” he echoed. “You feel like you’re attracted to the wrong partners.”
“Exactly.” She said it emphatically.
“Do you know why?”
She shrugged. “Something to do with my parents?”
“Good.” Sol nodded approvingly. “You’re on the right track.” He drummed the back of his seat. “Anyone not know why they’re here?”
No one moved. It might’ve been Sol’s strong presence, or just the nature of people opening up about themselves, but the energy of the room felt charged. A cool wind rushed in through the open doorway, making me shiver.
“I ask because those without a goal are the ones to give up first.” He scanned the table, his eyes stopping on me. “Anyone else want to share?”
My stomach growled, embarrassingly loud, in response. I slapped a hand on my belly as if to quell it.
“Can we do this after we eat?” Mikki murmured.
Sol trained on Mikki. “Say that again?”
She smiled sweetly. “I was just wondering about dinner. It smells amazing.”
“And you’re hungry.”
“Yep.”
His dazzling smile returned. “So you’re saying you’re feeling a little uncomfortable right now?”
“Sure?” She was smiling back, but a new, fraught tension filled the space.
“What’s your name?” Sol asked.
“Mikki.”
“So, Mikki.” He plopped into his chair, one arm on the back. “Why are you here?”
“You want me to say it in front of everyone?”
“It’s all going to come out this weekend.” He lifted a hand. “You’re just getting a head start.”
“Fine.” She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. “I’m here because I’m a sex and love addict.”
“Great!” Sol looked thrilled. “You have a defined problem. You’re ahead of the game.”
“Wonderful.” Mikki continued to smile, but her eyes were watchful.
“And what made you come here ?” Sol asked. “There are programs, treatment centers, groups, what have you, all over the place.”
“My therapist recommended it.” Mikki shrugged. “And I needed a vacation.”
Karen snorted. Dawne looked horrified.
Sol leaned forward. “Oh, Mikki, no. No, no, no. This is the exact opposite of a vacation. This is boot camp. This is going to be one of the most difficult weekends of your entire life—if not the most difficult. Everyone’s going to fall apart here. Everyone. And you know what? It’s going to be fucking great.”
Mikki studied Sol.
“How’s that to hear?” Sol asked. “You can tell me to fuck off, if you’d like. No wrong answers.”
“No.” She looked thoughtful. “I have no problem falling apart. But I don’t know about the boot camp analogy. I’m not one to take orders.”
“And you don’t have to. There’s only one rule here, and that’s to be invested.” Sol smacked the table lightly. “If you treat this as something foolish, then you’re going to waste your—and my—time. But I don’t think you’ll do that, Mikki. I think you actually want to be here. There’s just a part of you that’s suspicious. And tonight, fine, you can feel ambivalent. But don’t let it take over the whole weekend. Promise me you’ll try. Okay?”
After a second, she nodded. Sol leaned back, satisfied.
“Mikki has a good point, though,” he said. “You must all be fucking starving.”
We laughed.
“So I’ll shut up in a moment,” he went on. “But the last thing I’ll say is that your being here is important. Figuring out your romantic issues will actually help you with all of your relationships. Our society pushes this obsession with finding ‘the one,’ but we want to expand your view. We want you to find intimacy in all of its forms, including what I consider one of the most important: community.” He gestured around the table. “Okay, I’ll stop. Any last urgent questions?”
“I have one.” Karen cleared her throat. “Is Moon coming?”
Sol stared at her without speaking. The silence stretched.
“She’s not feeling well tonight.” His smile returned. “But she’s a fighter. I’m sure she’ll be back to her old self by tomorrow. Now, let’s eat.”
Grace and Steven came out of the kitchen, carrying platters piled high: tart chicken masala, rich vegetable biryani, gingery palak paneer, crispy samosas, fresh garlic naan. I was surprised they served meat, but it was probably free-range, organic, etc. The dining hall filled with boisterous voices and laughter. Everyone apparently felt chatty after Sol’s introduction. I was relieved I’d managed to escape his initial questioning. I accidentally caught eyes with Jonah across the table and wondered if he felt the same way.
I watched Sol, who was talking animatedly with Dawne and Karen. If he did know anything about Catherine, I had the sense it wasn’t going to be easy to find out.
“Let the games begin,” Mikki murmured as she paused to sip her water. She gazed at me. “You ready for this?”
“I guess we’ll see.” I looked again at Sol, and suddenly the vague familiarity clicked into place. I knew exactly who he reminded me of.
It was his looks, but also his energy: calm, paternal, charismatic, a little challenging.
He reminded me of Pastor John.