Chapter 39 #2
I swallow. I’m going to have to take the Book of Mysteries. I can’t trust Blayze with it. Neither of us can afford to lose the advantage being Branded gives to us. Not now. Not yet.
The enormity of it makes my head spin. Panic rises like a crashing wave, threatening to engulf me.
‘Breathe. Count backwards, as I taught you.’
I follow Orthriel’s instructions. Focus on breathing out, stretching each exhalation until my faltering, shallow breaths turn deep and even.
One problem at a time, that’s the only way to preserve my sanity. The night-birds; they’re the first piece of new information I need to digest. We have to find some way to defeat them. Arcelia’s fate might not rest solely on our vanquishing them anymore, but my mother’s life still does.
I could summon starshine to at least cow the flock, though the thought of unleashing something so unpredictable, so deep underground, brings back memories of the avalanche, makes my hands tremble even harder.
I remember the thrill of all that power rushing at my fingertips, the crash that came afterwards.
We’ll already have to invoke Shadow Lore in the caves with the blood rite.
I’m not sure I’ll have the strength to resist the lure of the Dusk Sister’s dark magic once, let alone twice.
Not in such quick succession. If only Blayze could fireweave, that might have been an answer.
And then it dawns on me. There is one among us who can summon fire.
Orthriel stiffens as they share my thoughts. Slowly, they nod approval.
I shake my head. ‘No, I can’t ask that. You saw how Serafine was after what they did to her in Galtair.
I can’t ask her to sacrifice more Aether.
She’s down to her last fire-feather; it could kill her.
’ I turn, seeking the staircase. ‘I have to wake the others. We have to find some other way – together.’
Orthriel flits across the room to bar my way, repositioning at such lightning speed I didn’t see them move.
‘What you choose to do with this information is ultimately up to you. We already established I can’t force you to accept my counsel, but Noelani wanted it kept secret.
I understand withholding this seems wrong, but if Arden is indeed following you, would you risk her learning this intelligence?
Would you risk placing your friends in harm’s way by foisting knowledge upon them that would make them targets for her wrath?
She’s not someone to be trifled with; the Arx Magnum’s torture methods are nothing compared to what she’s capable of. ’
My chest strains tighter. If I don’t tell the others about the second letter, I’m intentionally blindsiding them, leading them all into mortal danger.
Betraying them. If, by some miracle, we manage to defeat the night-birds, how will any of them ever trust me again?
Didn’t I promise Blayze there’d be no more secrets?
And this affects him more than all the others.
But the memory of the burning rage in Arden’s eyes in that mooncrystal vision gives me pause.
Perhaps Orthriel’s right. This is my burden; I should shoulder it alone.
It’s the only way to protect them. I shudder.
But it’s not only the thought of what Arden might do to the others to extract this information that makes my body recoil, it’s the whispers in my ear, reminding me of the other eyes I saw in a recent vision. My mother’s eyes.
The others might refuse to go on if they knew about the night-birds. I know it’s selfish, know it’s wrong, but I can’t risk that either.
I wrestle with the weight of the decision for long moments before letting my shoulders drop. Grateful for the callous that numbs my heart, hardening in this moment, along with my resolve.
‘I’ll say nothing for now.’ I’ll wait and tell them when we reach the caves.
It’s when I planned to tell them about the Sister-Stones and Arden, anyway.
They’ll be prepared, still have a choice whether to follow me into the mountain, but there’s no danger of Arden wresting information from any of them ahead of time.
And it’ll be harder for them to turn back.
‘Promise me you’ll not summon starshine. No matter what happens in those caves,’ Orthriel says, their voice suddenly urgent. ‘Shadow Lore is not to be toyed with.’
‘I gave you my word, I intend to keep it. You’ll see for yourself.’ I dip my head. ‘At least you’re able to share my secret, Orthriel. I’m grateful I’ll have you at my side in those caves, knowing what we must face there.’
The tower is suddenly so quiet you could hear a star fall.
‘No, Leilani. You won’t. I can’t summit the mountain. I can’t even leave this island. We’ll be saying goodbye here.’
‘But—’
‘I’m still hopeful my heartcrystal might be restored – eventually.
But I haven’t responded to returning to the island as I hoped.
It remains to be seen if I’ll ever journey on the winds again.
You’ve felt the weakness of our connection.
I don’t think I’ll be able to open the door to your mind once you leave Nimbi, even should you leave it unlocked. ’
Not coming with me? A chance I might never see them again, or even communicate with them through our mind-bridge?
I take a step backwards. Orthriel’s words are a punch to the stomach.
My Guardian can be irritating and opinionated, much as I’ve always imagined an older sibling might be, and yes, recently, as my heart has opened to Blayze, their ability to scry my thoughts has been challenging, but they’re also part of me.
My mother has always been too weak for me to lean on; Orthriel’s been my rock.
My voice cracks. ‘How am I supposed to do this without you?’
‘You don’t need me anymore. You don’t need anyone.’
The starstone thrums against my chest, calling to the Aether in my veins. A flare of magic ripples through my body again like a cool breeze. The enormity of the challenge looms over me, as intimidating as the peak of the Astral Mountain, but deep in my gut, I know it’s true.
I am enough. I’ve always been enough.
*
THE OTHERS ARE still sleeping when I rejoin them, glazed expressions softening their faces. Was it really only a few short hours ago I lay alongside them, lost to the spell of the waters, finally at peace?
I kneel in the soft grass beside Blayze.
Serafine is curled at his side. A horrible sinking feeling grips my chest as I look at her.
I’ve tried to come up with a different solution, wracked my brain for an alternative as I walked back from the cloud-tower.
But using her last remaining fire-feather to subdue the night-birds is the only plan I can think of that has a real hope of working.
Almost as if things have been designed this way.
By insisting representatives be drawn from all four realms in her first letter, and knowing the bonds of Guardianship endured, Noelani all but ensured the presence of an emberwing within our midst. She must have known it would make the perfect foil for the night-birds – a perfect symmetry, too perfect to be coincidental.
I shake the dark thoughts away. There’ll be time enough to wallow in them later.
I reach for Blayze, tracing the scruff of his jaw with my fingertips, smoothing russet curls from his brow, inhaling his rich, deep scent as I press gentle kisses to his eyelids.
If we survive the caves, if Blayze is able to forgive me for keeping this from him, for asking this favour of Serafine, it will be many moons before we can be together, before I’ll feel the crush of his arms around me again, or the press of his lips against mine.
He could still tell Maris it’s over between them once we have the Starlight Staff, though it might make things awkward now we’ll have to stay in each other’s pockets to seek the other sceptres, but we can’t move forwards with our relationship until this whole quest is behind us – if it’s ever behind us.
It wouldn’t be right, not with Maris and Astrophel still travelling with us.
Though I suppose Astrophel might elect to stay in Estelia.
The vow he made to my father to watch over me may not extend as far as the enemy realms. The thought makes me shiver.
I can’t imagine continuing on without Astrophel’s calm, reassuring presence at my side. I can’t lose him as well as Orthriel.
It would be so easy to join Blayze, to drink again from the falls, to set down my burdens for a while longer, succumb to the lure of the island, open myself to its numbing embrace and forget all about Noelani’s plans, the horrors that lie ahead.
I can understand the legends of people driven mad by their attempts to find Nimbi now, why the cielsylphs decided to cloak the island from mortal eyes, only permitting them to set foot here under exceptional circumstances.
But the memory of my mother’s face stops me from drinking, stops me from sinking back into the island’s sweet oblivion. Contentment here, like everything, is an illusion. This island feels solid, feels real, but it’s only a beguiling dream.
I tighten my grip on Blayze’s shoulders and shake him.
A cruel awakening, but the time for dreaming is over.