Chapter Thirty-Three
I wake to the slight rocking of the boat as the ocean swells as always. There’s something beautiful about the way it’s in constant motion but never changing. The light outside the small windows is creeping in, draping the room in a deep orange. Julián is fast asleep, and I unwrap his arm from my waist and lean up to glance out the window. The sunrise peeking over the horizon of the sea takes my breath away once again. Instead of focusing on all the sunrises I’ve missed, I smile at the fact that my first one was with Julián in such a special place. The more time I spend with Julián here and immerse myself in his way of life, the easier it is to not resent the way my life has been lived so far. It feels like every new memory made washes away the anger and resentment I have toward the hand I’ve been dealt, piece by piece. The clouds are thin and stretched out, hanging low in the sky, as the sun passes them, blindingly hanging above the water. I watch until my eyes burn, relishing in the beauty. Once the sun is high in the sky, I turn to face Julián, looking at his sleeping body, his newly cleaned space. He must have a spidey sense, because his body begins to move a little as I watch him, the morning sunlight making him look like a golden god.
Julián mumbles something in his sleep—my name, I think—and I glance back at him. He stretches his long arms out like a cat and reaches for the empty space on the small mattress where I slept peacefully in his embrace the entire night.
“Ryyyy.” He draws out my name. “Venir al llit.” He taps the top mattress, and I smile, knowing exactly what he’s saying without needing a translation.
I climb over toward him, and he pulls me on top of his body, wrapping his arms around me and rocking us back and forth.
“I missed you, my Ry,” he whispers against my earlobe.
A shiver runs down my spine and I move my hair to one side of my neck.
“I was only at the window for a little while. I watched the sunrise.” I smile, loving the way our bodies feel pressed together.
“One second away from you is absolutely unbearable,” he says with certainty. I wish on everything that he’s right.
“You could have woken me.” He tucks my hair behind my ear and pouts, making me playfully poke his chest.
When did we become this way? Intertwined so deeply? When we met, I thought we would be a fling, the first of my life—but here I am, madly, desperately, devastatingly in love with this man. The promise of a meaningless summer romance couldn’t be further from what we’ve become.
I can’t look into his eyes because I know I will say too much, or too little, not sure which would be worse right now, so instead I close my eyes and find his lips with mine. He inhales as I open my thighs to rest on either side of him and my hips press against his. He lifts them gently as I tease him, circling over his waist, brushing over him ever so gently.
“We’re going to watch the sunrise thousands of times together, remember, no matter what,” he promises as he lifts my shirt over my head.
“No matter what,” I repeat softly.
His warm mouth covers my skin, making my mind go nearly blank. The peaceful silence that Julián brings to my life is such a gift. I will never take it for granted. His tongue runs along the skin in the center of my neck to the edge of my shoulder. His teeth gently bite into me, and I groan, head falling back, in complete euphoria. Reality slips away as the boat rocks us gently and my hands pull at Julián’s underwear. He lifts his hips, and I toss them to the side and climb backward a bit. His eyes burn into mine as I take him into my mouth.
His head falls back briefly as I move my mouth up and down his length. He brings his gaze back to mine and locks it there, keeping eye contact with me as I please him. I can feel the wetness pooling in my panties with each of his moans. He brings one hand up to hold my hair back, never breaking eye contact. I’ve never felt so sexy, so in control and seductive in my entire life. I use my tongue to tease the tip of him, and his eyes roll back in his head. I smile and keep going, beyond pleased with the way his legs jerk as I continue to move my mouth and his grip on my hair tightens, gently tugging at the roots, and I nearly come undone without him even touching me. His body stiffens as release tears through him. Warmth fills my mouth as every muscle in his body relaxes, collapsing into the thin mattress.
His breath is staggered as I move to lie on him again, rubbing my nose against his and kissing his flushed cheeks, his stubbly chin, his closed eyes, his sweat-beaded forehead. He’s impossibly beautiful.
“Jesus, Ry,” he puffs. “I love you.”
“Because of what I just did or…” I tease him. He laughs, cupping my face with his hands. They’re so big they cover the span of it.
“Both, of course.” He winks and we share a laugh. Mid-laugh he kisses my eyelids, his soft winded breath is warm against my skin.
“Do you love me? Even after last night?” he asks, his tone more vulnerable than I expected in this playful moment.
I nod. Beats of silence rest between us as his breathing evens. “I’ve never loved you more.”
“Would you love me if I was a fish?” he asks, breaking the tension.
I laugh. “A fish?” I tap my index finger against my chin. “Hmm, what kind of fish?”
“A hideous one.”
“Would you always be a fish, or would you turn into a human at night or something, like a werewolf?”
Julián breaks into laughter. “You do read too many books, my love. For entertainment purposes, I’d be a fish at night only. Each morning when dawn arrives, I become human again. So, would you keep me on your shelf and feed me every night? And not allow my father or the hungry fisherman to chomp me up?”
“As long as you don’t piss me off that day. Then I might get you confused with the other fish and eat you,” I tease him.
“Oh, now you’re suddenly a seafood lover, right?” He gently tries to hit me with a pillow, and I catch it with one hand.
“I played softball for a year. Well, not a whole year, like three games before my mom found out and totally lost her shit because—of course I’m too fragile to play sports.” I stop myself from indulging in too many details, but it feels good to give Julián a little more context of my experiences and life.
“I want to know everything about you,” he tells me, the lit candles in the room shining in the pupils of his dark eyes.
“Well, let’s take it step-by-step and finish what we started. What about a worm? Would you love me if I was a worm?” I ask him.
“A worm… hmmm. Yeah.”
“How about a chicken? Would you want to eat me?” I ask, and both of us are hysterically laughing now.
“Depends if you piss me off that day,” he repeats my words, and I fall back against the wall of the boat in laughter.
“Well, it seems like you’re going to piss me off every day, soooo…”
He pulls me into his chest, sitting on his lap with my thighs on either side of his, his T-shirt hanging loosely on my skin.
“I wanted to tell you that I found a therapy center online last night when you were asleep…” He sucks in a nervous breath. “Weird timing to tell you, but I signed up for a session and submitted a request to the pharmacy for a refill of my meds. So, thank you.”
“You only need to thank yourself.” I kiss the tip of his nose and pet his hair back. “I’m so proud of you.”
“You make me want to be in the light, Ry. No more hiding here in the darkness.” He looks around the room. “I’m going to fight like hell to stay in the light of life with you.”
Conflict fills me, knowing that I’ve also joined the fight for life. I had come here to Mallorca completely hopeless, wanting—at best—to make a few memories and find out more about where my mom and my heritage come from. I’d never felt so free as when I flushed my epilepsy medication down the toilet, knowing it wasn’t going to save me. I was ready to meet death as a friend, but now I’m prepared to fight it like an enemy. For Julián, for my mother who I haven’t gotten the chance to know yet, and most of all for myself.
I hold his face between my hands. “I’m so proud of you, Julián. I know it’s so hard and you should be so proud of yourself.”
“I swear I won’t let you clean up my mess again.” His eyes roam around the extraordinarily clean room. “I’ll do my best to keep it this way.”
“I’ll help you; don’t you worry. Plus”—I shrug—“nowhere except my mom’s house stays this pristine, so it’s okay to let it be a little more lived-in.”
“I’ll never be able to thank you enough. I didn’t know I needed that. The release, to just let go and look around at how I was living. It’s all thanks to you. My life is…” His eyes are glassy, and I hug him tightly, not pressing him to finish, knowing exactly how he feels and what he’s struggling to say. His body shakes gently as he lets the tears come, and I hold on to him until the seagulls start their midmorning screaming and wait for the storm inside him to pass.
The days go back to our version of normal—Julián nervously begins therapy, both of us make sure to take our medicine. An odd bonding experience, but it continues to bring us closer. I even have a nice dinner with my mother, and she doesn’t talk about work once. I don’t tell her about my plan, and I don’t tell either of them that I can feel something in my body shifting, that sometimes when I stand up, the world around me jerks and spasms for a moment. We spend our time between the hotel, the beach with Amara and Prisha—who are still going strong as they wait for Amara’s transfer to go through, because of course she’s going to move to Sweden to live near Prisha after all. I approve of her madness, because we all only have one life, and why not travel the globe in hopes of a lifelong love?
SetCorp begins to put their construction permits up around Julián’s family’s shipyard, even though the ink hasn’t been drawn on the final contract yet. Mateo, stubborn as his son, wants to make things as hard as he can, postponing the final signatures, and rightfully so. My mom doesn’t comment when I flip the SUV full of SetCorp employees off every single time they drive by. Julián and I go out on the boat nearly every day, soaking in the last bits of summer. Things are great; from the outside they seem perfect, and that terrifies me.
Julián spends all of his off time taking me around the island. We take at least a hundred photos a day. I snap photos of our dinner at Fera Palma, where Julián nearly chokes on his dessert when the bill comes. I grab it quickly, and he sinks back in the chair but doesn’t protest. We go inside the Catedral-Basilica de Santa Maria, and though I can’t remember the last time I stepped foot in a church, I find myself silently wishing to whoever is listening, begging for more time, for a lifetime with Julián. We walk around Alcudia Old Town until my feet ache, and Julián carries me on his back, despite my protests. We eat and eat, breads and paella and so much seafood that I can barely keep my eyes open at the end of the day. He’s the ultimate tour guide, especially on the sea, taking me to all of the best views, and the smile never leaves his face or mine. I never want to leave here. I never want to leave his side, and not even beautiful castles or aqua-blue water can distract me enough from wondering when the last time I’ll see him will be. Out of desperation, I have him take me back to the church to beg again for that time to come when my hair is gray.