Chapter Thirty-Four
I startle awake. It’s still dark out, the stars bright and the ocean waves crashing gently against the shore just twentyish feet away. Julián is sound asleep with his arm hooked around my waist and a soft snore falling from his lips. Something isn’t right.
I grab for my phone on the sand next to our blanket, and the screen appears to be moving as I type as fast as I can. I hit send and the screen dances faster, but I know it’s not really moving. My heart begins to race.
Not now.
Not yet.
Please not yet.
My hand jerks involuntarily, and the phone moves out of my reach. I know I only have a few more seconds of consciousness and I don’t know what’s on the other side of it, but I know what I’ve been preparing for, what I thought I was ready for. But please… please… whoever is listening, not yet. I need more time. I need more time with Julián, with my mom, with this island. I look at Julián and almost wake him up, but I can’t let him see this, it will traumatize him beyond repair. I bend down and kiss his parted lips, and lie down, trying to keep the awareness in my body for just a few more seconds. My eyes start to twitch, and I can barely see his face before they close. I want the last thing I see to be his face, the outline of his stubborn jaw, the curve of his neck.
I’ve never been one to think too much about fairness or self-pity. But now that my time has run out, my hourglass empty, I’m livid. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do: I went out of my way to not hurt people, I smiled at babies on the street and ate vegetables. I’ve done it all to the best of my ability, but this is my fate and it’s not fucking fair. I have so much to do. I never got to show Julián my home country, I didn’t get to see my mom get married or meet Julián at the altar as my husband. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted these things: the baby with golden eyes that Julián and I daydreamed of… All of it is being taken away from me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can feel my body spasming as my ears fill with the sound of flushing water.
Images flicker behind my lids like the ending credits of a film as I lose all control of my body. Amara, her bright smile and sunshine soul. I’m so grateful to have had time with her, even briefly, and I hope her grief won’t consume her. I wish she will spend the time thinking about our chats, our laughs, and I pray that she knows how much she taught me in such a short time. My mother’s face flashes, images of her holding me and dancing around the kitchen, her burning brownies and us laughing, her trying her best to do what she could for me. As my body trembles, I send a silent plea to the universe that she will somehow know that I don’t hold any resentment toward her, and maybe… just maybe, the rest of her life will be easier without having to worry about me.
And Julián, my Julián, who is lying on the sand next to me, the love of my life, the one man I’ve ever loved… The pain of knowing I will never see him again is the most devastating and painful part of all this. Even though I know it’s impossible, I try to control the muscles in my body one last time, desperate to crawl away from him, for him not to be the one who finds me.
I always wondered when my clock would run out, when my Cinderella story would be over, and this, the man I love, who I know loves me more than himself, on a beautiful beach in the Mediterranean Sea, gives me the peace I need. This summer was a dream, a whirlwind of finding and losing myself, sharing moments that I never thought I would have. I lived, I was loved, and I loved with all my failing heart. My vision begins to fade, my dream coming to an end, and I desperately hold on to the vision of Julián’s dimply crooked smile, his infectious laugh, and his warmth, and I slip away into the consuming darkness.