Chapter Forty-Three
Grace picked at the crust of the one slice of pizza Caz had put on her plate, despite repeating that she wasn’t hungry.
She could feel the way Caz was staring at her from across the table. Strangely, it didn’t feel uncomfortable. There was an intensity there, sure, but it was Grace who felt awkward, because she knew there was some truth to what Caz had said.
She’d be a liar if she tried to say otherwise, and yet, she couldn’t quite find the words to agree with the statement completely. So they sat in silence while she picked at the ham on her pizza and Caz breathed calmly, staring, and then quietly chewing anytime she took another bite.
It also didn’t help the situation that Grace felt so guilty, about everything.
This had all been her idea.
Now there was a marriage, a best friend who was hurting, and no baby. And the one thing that linked them all, was herself.
She was the cause of all of it.
“Grace?” Caz’s voice broke her from her thoughts.
“Sorry, what?” she said, finally looking at her with more than just a cursory glance like she’d been doing the entire time they’d sat here.
Caz smiled tightly. “I said, can you please try and eat something?”
“Oh,” Grace managed, pushing the plate away, “I can’t…I’m just…” Eyes wet with emotion, she blinked away the impending tears. “I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine.” Caz piled the piece back on top of the serving plate and stood up, carrying the remains of their meal to the counter. “There’s some soup…I can heat that up if you’d prefer?”
Grace shook her head. “No, I really can’t eat just yet, but…thank you for trying to take care of me.” For loving me , she thought, too.
Caz pulled a drawer open and took out a roll of cling film to cover the food with. “That’s my job, I’m your…best friend.”
The choice of words surprised Grace. She was expecting, “I’m your wife”, and when it didn’t come, she realised…it stung.
Maybe that was what she deserved. She’d tied her best friend down in a marriage so they would have a baby and she couldn’t even do that right. And when Caz had shared her feelings, what had she done then? Pushed her away and told her she was ridiculous, when the truth was…she wasn’t.
“Grace.” Caz’s voice broke as she turned and noticed Grace was crying.
She moved to her, squatting down at Grace’s feet, hands instantly reaching for her.
“I don’t want you to leave,” Grace sobbed, “I can’t…”
“I know.” Tears pricked at Caz’s eyes before they built and spilled over, rolling down her cheeks like hot lava. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why? This isn’t…I can’t give you—”
Caz pulled her sleeve over her hand and wiped away Grace’s tears. “It doesn’t matter. I thought you felt the same way, but if you don’t that’s fine—”
Grace took her hand and held it, gazing into her eyes. “I can’t give you a baby.”
“Then that’s just what’s meant to be, and we can look at other options, or just…” She swallowed hard, her gaze dropping to Grace’s mouth before rising back to her eyes again. “Nothing has to change.”
Grace touched Caz’s cheek gently. “Everything has to change, Caz.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“I love you so much, but I’m not gay.”