FIFTY
Aliya
PRESENT
Four years ago today, I met Lio.
On that day, when everything seemed to come to an end, he arrived like a ray of light out of nowhere.
I throw my notebook into a corner of my room. The pages are filled with memories I can’t escape to this day.
Mother and Robert are celebrating their wedding anniversary today and aren’t home. Daniel returned to Chicago a few days ago. I hope he stays there and gets the hell out of my life for good.
Silver had planned to spend the night with me, but she had to look after her little sister spontaneously.
The silence in the house is deafening and weighs on me like a heavy blanket. Every creak and whisper of the wind makes me flinch.
I don’t like being alone. Not today.
My dark thoughts have a tendency to manifest during my darkest hours, and tonight they threaten to swallow me.
In a moment of desperation, I scroll through my contacts and pause at Milan’s name. Hesitantly, my fingers hover over his number.
I can’t call him.
He wants nothing to do with me anymore.
With a heavy sigh, I set my phone down.
What is he doing right now?
Today is Friday.
He’s probably out causing trouble with his friends or at a party, surrounded by music, noise … and women.
A pang of jealousy courses through me as I imagine him making out with another girl. How she wraps her legs around his waist, her hands tangled in his hair while he moans her name and takes her against the wall.
My stomach cramps with a familiar sting of possessiveness.
It’s stupid because I have no claim on him.
Milan Shane has never belonged to me.
Even though he held me in his arms, whispered dirty words in my ear, and made me feel like the only girl in the world, he was never really mine.
The doorbell rings, pulling me out of my thoughts.
Who could that be? Mother and Robert surely won’t be back before midnight.
I sit up and make my way to the door. My heart sinks as I recognize the two figures standing outside.
“Long time no see, Servant.” Damian gives me a crooked smile as he supports a drunk Daniel.
Daniel and Damian.
Together.
Here.
“What are you doing here?” I ask Daniel, who should be in Chicago.
“Can’t I visit my sister?”
“Get the hell back to Chicago.”
I want to slam the door, but his hand holds it open. He chuckles, leaning his full weight on Damian, who grimaces under him.
“Damn, you’ve changed, sis. You didn’t use to talk to me like that.”
Both step inside and shut the door behind them.
Daniel lets go of Damian and stumbles into the living room, flopping down on the couch with one leg tossed over the armrest.
His eyes still have that familiar predatory gleam as he lets his gaze drift over me. “You always looked cute in those pajamas.”
My heart pounds in my throat. Fear and disgust swirl inside me as I try to keep a cold exterior.
I can feel Damian’s gaze on the back of my neck, watching the scene. It’s a small comfort knowing someone else is here, even if it’s Damian.
“Come on, man. You’re scaring her.” He laughs as he passes me. “Where’s the liquor?”
Daniel mumbles something and gestures toward Robert’s cabinet. Damian opens it, eyeing the bottles.
“Nice collection. Gotta give that guy credit, he’s got taste.”
He grabs a bottle of Scotch, inspects the label, and comes back with a grin.
“How do you two know each other?” I snap as he pulls two glasses from the shelf and fills them.
“You’re hurting my feelings, Servant. We haven’t spoken in weeks, and that’s the first thing you ask?”
“Cut the crap. How do you know each other, and what are you doing here?”
“Don’t get your panties in a twist. We’re friends, right, Dan?” He looks over at Daniel, who’s already passed out on the couch, drooling on a pillow. “Damn, he’s really out, huh?”
I should lock myself in my room.
Push the dresser in front of the door.
No, I should get out and spend the night on some park bench until dawn.
“Are you thinking about running away? That’s not very hospitable, Servant. And that after I came all this way just to visit you.”
“I don’t need guests at this hour. Especially ones I didn’t invite.”
Damian laughs softly. “Oh, come on. I missed you.”
“Good for you. I don’t want you here. Neither do I want him.” I nod toward Daniel. “Take him and get out.”
“And here I thought you’d be interested in talking about Shane.”
I freeze. Milan?
I try to keep a casual expression, but the curiosity in my eyes gives me away.
Damian’s grin tells me he knows he’s got my attention now.
“You know, he wouldn’t tell me why you two are avoiding each other.” He raises his glass to his lips, his gaze never leaving my face. “Maybe you’ll tell me instead.”
He hasn’t told his friends anything?
“That’s none of your business,” I reply, trying to stay calm, but my heart is racing.
One corner of his mouth lifts in a smirk. “Is that so?”
Damian rises, glass in hand. Instinctively, I back away as he moves closer. My back hits the wall as he traps me in place. He towers over me, his broad shoulders blocking any chance of escape.
I can feel the heat radiating off him, and the scent of his cologne fills my senses.
“I always knew you had a wild streak.” He brushes a strand of hair from my face. “But I didn’t know you could be such a bad girl.”
I bat his hand away. “What are you talking about?”
He sneers, unfazed by my reaction. “The late-night escapes, the attempt to end it all, those little meetings with Kilian. Or should I say, Lio? I know them all, your secrets, Servant. Every. Little. One.”
The room feels claustrophobic, the walls closing in.
He knows. He knows everything.
My meetings with Lio, my darkest moment. Everything.
When he shoved me in the pool back then, he hinted he knew but hearing him confirm it now makes me feel sick.
“How … How do you know?”
“I have my eyes and ears everywhere,” he says, mocking me.
But that can’t be.
No one except Lio and I knows.
Even though Lio told his girlfriend, Elena, about our meetings, not even she knows about my suicide attempt.
So, how is it that …?
“I already warned you.” His expression darkens, the playfulness has disappeared. “I told you to stay away from Milan.”
Suddenly, I feel very small and back up further.
“But you didn’t listen. You couldn’t resist the temptation, could you?”
I swallow. He scares the hell out of me.
My gaze flickers to the couch where Daniel is still lying, mumbling something unintelligible in his sleep.
Damian seizes my moment of distraction. His strong hand grips my chin, jerking my face roughly toward him as he crashes his lips onto mine in a fierce, demanding kiss.
I gasp, and he takes advantage, forcing his tongue into my mouth, filling it with the bitter taste of Scotch that he transfers from his mouth to mine.
I struggle against him, pushing at his chest with both hands, but he’s relentless. The bitter alcohol spreads in my mouth, leaving me no choice but to swallow.
With a hard shove, I push him back, and he staggers a few steps away.
“What the hell was that, you sick bastard?” I scream at him.
Damian laughs, savoring the sight of me coughing. As the Scotch slides down my throat, it leaves a bitter, metallic aftertaste.
“You’re pretty cheeky, aren’t you?” His voice drips with sarcasm. “But don’t worry. Soon enough, you’ll be sweet and compliant.”
It takes a moment for me to realize something is wrong.
The alcohol has an immediate, strange effect on me – I feel sluggish and disoriented.
“What did you do?”
“I warned you, Servant,” he whispers. “You should have stayed away from Shane.”
Panicked, I shake my head, feeling my legs starting to give out.
The alcohol must’ve been laced with something, and it’s taking effect faster than I could have imagined.
“You’ve always been so stubborn. Things would’ve been so much easier for you if you’d just listened to me, you know.”
My head feels heavy. “You bastard … Why?”
“Because you need to finally learn your lesson. Shane was too soft on you, so I had to handle things myself.”
I shake my head quickly, then shove him back hard, trying to distract him as I make a break for the stairs. As long as the drug hasn’t fully kicked in, I still have a chance to fight him off.
“Where do you think you’re going, hm?” Damian grabs my feet and drags me down, causing me to stumble on the steps. “You’re just making it worse, Servant.”
My face presses against the step, my wrists pinned tightly behind me by his unyielding grip.
“Let me go, you sick son of a bitch!”
“Ah, now that’s the fire I was looking for.” His hand trails down my back, brushing against my skin through the thin fabric of my pajamas.
The warmth of his breath near my neck sends a chill down my spine. My body feels numb as he presses his body against mine.
It feels like dying, but so much worse.
Damian’s lips brush the sensitive skin near my ear. “Don’t resist, and this will go much easier for both of us.”
His fingers tug at the hem of my pajama top, slowly pushing it up. “Just give in, Servant. You’re only delaying the inevitable.”
I fight through the fog creeping into my mind, but my body feels impossibly heavy.
“Why are you doing this?”
Damian’s hands pause. “I told you, you need to learn your lesson. I don’t make empty threats.”
“No, that’s not true.” I look over my shoulder. “Since the beginning, you’ve had a problem with me. The scratched car, that video – those were never the real reason. You wanted to make me suffer for something else.” I take a shaky breath. “But I know you won’t hurt me, Damian.”
He grabs my shoulders, roughly flipping me over so my back digs painfully into the step.
“You trust me that much? What makes you so sure I won’t hurt you, huh?” His eyes are inky blue, and a faint twitch plays at the corner of his mouth. “You’re a damn fool, Servant.”
“Maybe I am. Maybe I trust you more than I should. But I know you, Damian. You’re not as cruel as you pretend to be.” I try to keep my voice steady. “You care about Milan. You wouldn’t risk losing him. That’s why you won’t hurt me.”
His eyes widen slightly.
For a moment, he doesn’t answer, his expression unreadable.
Then he lets out a bitter chuckle. “You’re so naive.”
His hand closes around my throat, and a surge of panic wells up as I struggle to breathe, his grip squeezing hard against my windpipe.
“Listen closely,” he growls. “You don’t know me. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
His voice drops to a dangerous murmur. “I can be cruel. I can be ruthless. And I’m not afraid to play dirty.”
His grip loosens just enough for me to gasp for air, but he tightens it again immediately. “You’re right. I care about Milan. But don’t mistake my loyalty to him for any sort of kindness. Weren’t you so eager to die? Maybe I’ll do you a favor and end it for you. What do you say?”
“You’re bluffing … Milan won’t … forgive you.” I croak, my voice hoarse from the pressure on my throat.
Tears run down my cheeks. My nails dig into the back of his hands, leaving red marks.
“Do you think that’s going to stop me?” he taunts. “Even if I let you go now, it doesn’t matter. He won’t forgive me anyway .”
I blink in confusion. What does that mean?
Damian’s hand finally releases my throat, and I fall heavily onto the step, gasping for breath and rubbing my neck.
“You know, Servant, we’re more alike than you think.”
“What are you talking about?” I hiss angrily.
“How did you put it again?” He taps his chin before mimicking my voice. “I should die. Everything will be better when I’m dead. Oh, I hate my life so much. Who’s waiting for me anyway?”
My heart stumbles.
I know those words all too well.
“You read my notes, didn’t you? That’s why you know so much.”
“Smart girl.” The corner of his mouth twitches upward. “I have to say, I’m impressed by how much you kept from Milan. But what’s even more impressive is how much you hide in that little notebook of yours. It’s pathetic.”
He plants his hands beside my head. “You think your life is hard, right? That you’ve been wronged and have no one who understands you, huh? That’s why you want to throw it all away, isn’t it?”
His grin fades, his brow furrowing menacingly. “Poor little girl who thinks life is so tough. It fucking pisses me off. You have no idea how bad it can really be.”
For a second, a flash of vulnerability flickers in his eyes, like a dark cloud allowing a glimpse of the truth.
There is something deeper behind his anger, something lurking beneath the surface.
Is it pain ?
But then he puts his mask of arrogance back on.
“Damian, I-”
He doesn’t let me finish, as his hands find their way back around my throat.
“Since I’m such a good friend, I’ll grant you your wish.”
The coldness of his words and the hardness of his grip leave me speechless. The feeling of paralysis in my body is only heightened by the drug, and my heart pounds wildly against my chest.
He can’t kill me.
“You won’t kill me. You’re everything but a … murderer.”
“Are you so sure about that?” he murmurs. “Do you know what a corpse feels like, Servant? What it’s like to hold someone in your arms whose heart no longer beats?”
In his eyes is an expression I’ve never seen before, a mix of cruelty and something I can’t quite place. “I know. The emptiness that remains when life fades away. Maybe I can’t spare you that feeling, but I can show you what it feels like to touch the abyss.”
His gaze pierces through me, and for a moment, I almost believe he’s truly capable of murder.
“You’re insane,” I hiss, trying to sound brave.
“You just realized that? Don’t you know that the truly insane ones are the ones who believe they’re sane?”
He leans in closer. “And you’re far from reasonable, Servant. Have you already forgotten your little wish to die?”
That damn bastard.
His eyes flicker with an eerie glint. “But I want to be fair. Since I know your secret, I’ll share one of mine with you. What do you think?”
I’m not listening to him. Instead, I’m hammering against his chest, trying to push him from me.
His lips brush my earlobe. “It wasn’t Kilian who hid the letters in the book. It was me.”
The words hit me like a heavy blow.
Abruptly, he releases me and pulls back, causing me to start coughing.
I rub my sore throat as I try to catch my breath. My mind whirls with confusion and disbelief.
“You … You what?” I ask hoarsely and shakily.
“Right before he took his life, he gave them to me to hand over to Milan. I read them. Just like you, he wrote down all his pathetic thoughts. I thought I’d have a little fun, so I hid them. When I saw the book in your hand at the pool party, I knew you’d find them and keep quiet. Just like I did.”
My heart grows heavy as I grasp the meaning of his confession.
He knew about the letters for a long time but didn’t give them to Milan? Even though Kilian asked him to?
Damian is a traitor.
“I knew he was going to kill himself, and I didn’t stop him. Do you still think I’m not cruel, Servant?”
Everything around me starts to spin.
He knew. He allowed it.
“You … You let … him die? All this time, you knew about the letters and didn’t tell Milan?”
“Don’t try to portray yourself as some kind of saint,” he snaps. “You did the same thing. You found those letters and kept them secret, just like I did.”
I shake my head hastily. “I didn’t know what was going on. I wanted to protect Milan. But … But Kilian asked you to give the letters to Milan. You let him die! You let … How can you-”
My lips tremble, and I lean against the steps. Damian is an even bigger monster than I thought.
“How can I be so cruel?” He finishes my sentence with a nonchalant tone. “Don’t act so surprised, Servant. You always knew I was a cold-hearted bastard.”
He towers over me, darkening the scene. “You should know better than to expect mercy from someone like me. I don’t care about you, Milan, or anyone else. I do whatever I want.”
“And what about … what about Kilian?”
Something strange flickers in Damian’s eyes when I mention Kilian. There’s a tiny crack in the cold, hard mask he usually wears.
He looks away for a moment, and when he turns back to me, the vulnerability is gone. “What difference does it make? Now he’s dead. Even if I had stopped him, he would have found another way to take his life. He was weak, just like you. He let his feelings guide him and look where it got him.”
I feel a deep rage rising within me.
How dare he speak about Lio like that?
“You say Kilian was weak,” I retort. “But you don’t know him. You have no idea who he really was.”
Damian looks down at me, his gaze cold and unreadable, before he clicks his tongue. He turns away and strides toward the front door, his footsteps rumbling like thunder in my ears.
Before he disappears from my sight, he turns to me one last time. “Let me just tell you something, Servant. No one knows him better than I do. Not even Milan.”
With a loud bang, he disappears, leaving me alone with a drunken Daniel, who is still asleep on the couch.