FIFTY-ONE
Aliya
PRESENT
With trembling breaths, I stumble up the stairs to the second floor.
As I reach the top, my strength begins to leave me. My vision blurs and my knees buckle, causing me to crash against the railing. I feel like I’m underwater. Trying to open my eyes feels like lifting weights of steel. I want to run and escape this nightmare, but my limbs refuse to cooperate.
Just a few more steps …
Then I could lock myself in my room.
“Sis, where have you gone?”
The sound of Daniel’s voice and his footsteps jolt me out of the haze of numb dissociation. My body instinctively tenses.
It’s just like back then.
The only difference is that I can’t move.
I’m completely at his mercy.
With every step Daniel takes closer, the air in the hallway grows heavier.
No, no, no, no.
“There you are.” His face is blurry, but I can sense that he’s smiling cruelly.
“No … Please.”
I want to scream, to shriek, to fight back, but it’s as if my body and mind are disconnected, trapped in a nightmare with no escape.
“Did you really think you could avoid me forever?” He blocks the light with his body.
Please, not again.
His hands grab me roughly and pull me up. My head falls heavily against his shoulder, my body feels like an empty shell.
“You’re so weak,” he murmurs, the smell of alcohol hitting me. “Still the little scared girl, huh?”
With a jerk, he drags me into my room and throws me onto the bed. My limbs feel like rubber, incapable of fighting back.
I won’t survive this a second time.
“You’re going to learn to respect me.”
Tears of despair well up in my eyes as I silently scream for a way out, but only weak sounds escape my lips.
“Daniel … No.” My words are barely rise above a whisper.
“Shh, you can moan my name later.”
He forces my thighs apart as he pushes himself between my legs. His hands slide under my pajama top, pulling it up. Tears stream down the sides of my face into my hair.
“Now you’re all mine.”
I try to push my bare feet into the mattress, but he presses his erection between my legs, laughing.
A groan leaves his throat as he rubs his hard cock against my inner thigh. “God, that feels so good.”
“No …” My chest shakes with sobs as he wets my neck with kisses and pulls down my pajama pants.
“They’ve grown, huh?” I feel his tongue circling my nipple through the fabric of my shirt as he kneads my breasts.
I’m trapped in a nightmare from which there’s no waking up. And I already know how it will end.
Just like he took my virginity four years ago, he will claim my body without permission again today.
And as I lie here, frozen, I fantasize about what might have happened if Lio hadn’t saved me back then. Would I have escaped Daniel’s demons?
Crushing darkness envelops me as Daniel strips me of my clothes until I lie stiff beneath him, unable to do anything but let it happen.
This is it.
But just as I think it’s all over, the sound of the front door suddenly rings out, and loud voices echo through the house. “I must have left my phone here somewhere,” I hear my mother say.
“Fuck!” With rough movements, Daniel yanks my pajama pants back up, his fingers digging painfully into my skin. “Say. Not. A. Fucking. Word.”
My last thoughts, before I drift into the darkness of unconsciousness, are filled with a bitter reminder of what was so close to happening again.
If I had truly ended my life four years ago, I would be free now.
Free from this hell called life.
I wake up from the darkness with a pain in my head and a heavy feeling in my chest.
It’s midnight, and the familiar surroundings of my room envelop me, yet the horrors of the past hours linger over me like a veil.
Slowly, I force myself to sit up. My legs tremble, and I have to grip the bedpost to keep from falling again.
I need to get out of this room, out of this house.
As I make my way down the stairs, I can already hear voices from downstairs.
“He’s not coming back, Amber. We need to stay calm.”
I reach the last step and quietly approach the kitchen door, behind which their voices grow louder.
“But we can’t just leave it like this! What if she tries to tell someone? The police … That would only make things worse, Robert,” Mother responds desperately.
“She’ll understand that it’s better if we keep this to ourselves. Daniel is part of this family. What will people think?”
“You’re right. We can only hope that she doesn’t make a fuss and forgets this incident.”
“Don’t worry, dear. It’ll be fine. Last time, she kept quiet too. I’m sure she’ll understand our concerns,” Robert replies.
I close my eyes and press myself against the edge of the door, which stands slightly ajar.
The thought of them downplaying it again while I’m trapped in this nightmare ignites incredible anger within me. They seem more worried about how to cover up the situation than about taking care of me.
A feeling of powerlessness floods through me, but at the same time, a new will awakens inside me. Taking a deep breath, I push the door open, which creaks loudly against the floor. Robert and my mother jump and stare at me in shock.
Mother is the first to collect herself and rush over to me. “Oh Aliya, you’re awake. Robert and I just got back from dinner. Have you eaten yet?”
“I’m not hungry,” I answer curtly.
“Come, sit down. You look pale.”
“Maybe she has a fever. It’s common to catch a cold this time of year,” Robert interjects.
“Oh yes, that must be it.” Mother lays a hand on my forehead to check my temperature.
I bite my lip, suppressing a bitter scoff. Their attempts to steer the conversation are so transparent, it’s almost pathetic.
“Where is Daniel?” I ask instead.
Her expression freezes, her hand pauses. Robert’s eyes widen in alarm as they dart to mine. But then my mother manages a forced smile. “What do you mean? He left for Chicago a few days ago, honey.”
I see. Now they want to pretend I hallucinated everything because of a fever. The audacity with which they try to lie to my face is astounding.
“I’m not stupid. I know exactly what he did to me,” I burst out.
She flinches, her fake smile faltering.
“You must have had a nightmare,” Robert utters hurriedly.
“A nightmare? So you want to cover for him now?” I let out a loud laugh. “I won’t let you sweep this under the rug like you did last time.”
I turn away, but my mother grabs my arm. “Aliya, listen-”
“No, damn it, now you listen to me!” I quickly pull out of her grip. “I was fourteen years old when Robert’s 23-year-old son raped me! I was just a fucking child, Mother!”, I yell at her.
She stumbles back as if I had struck her. Tears well up in my eyes, but I try to blink them away.
“And you both knew about it. Hell, you even pulled him out of my room that night. But what did you do? Instead of being there for me, you made me feel like I was overreacting. That I was acting like a child. You forced me to live under the same roof as that bastard.”
I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. “I hated myself. I blamed myself. Because of you, I really thought it was all my fault!”
The room is dead silent, the only sound is my heavy breathing as adrenaline surges through my veins.
My mother’s expression is shattered, unshed tears glistening in her brown eyes. “Please, honey-”
“Shut up! Now it’s my turn to talk,” I snap at her sharply. “That night, I tried … I tried to end my life. I wanted to die.”
She gasps audibly, as if someone has pressed the air from her lungs, and her hand shakes as she hastily brings it to her mouth. Her face is pale, as if all color has drained from it, and fresh tears now spill uncontrollably, tracing paths down her pale cheeks as her shoulders tremble. Robert sinks heavily back into his chair, his hands burying themselves in his blond hair, his head hanging low between his shoulders as if he cannot bear the weight of the words.
“What?” my mother stammers.
“I was only fourteen. And yet I hated life so much that I wanted to end it,” I sob. “Do you still think I’m overreacting? Do you still see me as a moody teenager who dramatizes everything? Do you even know what it feels like to be touched against your will? Do you have a damn clue what it’s like when your own mother doesn’t believe you?”
She opens her mouth, but no sound comes out.
“You chose him and his goddamn son.” I point my finger at Robert. “But I’m your daughter, Mother. You brought me into this world! How can you be so ignorant? How can you forget me like this?”
“I …” she tries to speak, but the words won’t come out. Robert stares at the floor, too afraid to meet my gaze.
Even though I should know better than to cling to the hope that my mother has any form of parental care for me, a small spark still flickers within me. A part of me longs to have back the mother who loved me in my childhood. The woman who was there for me, not the one who puts the image of her new family over my suffering. I desperately wish she’d finally see me, that I’d even be willing to forgive all the moments she ignored my pain and watched me break apart.
Maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m stupid. But her tear-streaked face makes me believe that perhaps I do mean something to her. That this time she finally understands me.
“I’ll ask you one last time,” I begin calmly. “Choose your side, Mom . Who’s more important: them or me?”
I wait for an answer, a word of comfort, an apology, anything that shows a hint of regret and affection. But she just stands there, frozen, her tears flowing uncontrollably down her cheeks.
“Aliya, please …” Her voice is fragile. “I can’t just leave everything behind.”
Silence hangs between us like a shroud. I close my eyes. What else was I expecting?
“I will not forgive you. Never.”
With those words, I storm out of the house. Robert’s and her voices echo behind me. They call my name, but I don’t stop.
I can’t bear to be in this house for another second. Adrenaline still courses through my veins, my heart races, and my hands tremble.
I’ve lost Lio.
I’ve lost my mother.
I’ve lost my home.
And I’ve lost Milan.
Everything and everyone that mattered to me, I’ve lost.
Now I’m truly alone.