Chapter 19 #2
I push off the counter and walk out of the kitchen without a single word.
That night, for the first time since October, I don’t leave my door unlocked.
The next morning, Mike is already in the kitchen, sitting at the table with nothing in front of him. It’s later than usual, but I didn’t sleep, and I don’t think he did either, based on the constant sounds of him moving around the house.
The sight of him does what it always does. Even after a week of this, even after Zara’s text, even after spending the better part of last night trying not to cry into my pillow. Dark circles have made their home under his eyes, but he still looks better this morning than he has in days.
His hair is wet and his clothes are clean. He doesn’t smell like drugs or alcohol.
He looks exhausted, but more present than he’s been in days, and his eyes pin me in place the moment he sees me. “You locked the door.”
I shrug, mimicking him as I get stuff out to make breakfast. “I figured you wouldn’t notice.”
He doesn’t say anything to that, moving to the coffee maker and pouring the rest of the pot he must have finished off himself, into a cup.
“You cheated on me,” I hear myself say, regretting how pathetic I sound the second it leaves my mouth.
He turns around, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed, glaring at me for no good reason. I didn’t do anything wrong.
“Cheated,” he repeats, pursing his lips. “I thought there had to be a relationship for that.”
Slamming the refrigerator door shut, I turn to him. “Don’t act like you don’t know what we are.”
“That’s the thing.” He reaches behind him for his mug, taking a long sip before continuing.
“I don’t know what we are. You like me when no one’s around, but if anyone found out about me—” He pauses, taking a deep breath.
“You want all the benefits of a relationship with me without giving a single thing in return.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” He pulls himself up to sit on the counter.
“I’ve always made an effort for you. Since the beginning.
I’m here for you whenever you need me. I’m always the one reaching out and being open about things I would rather not talk about.
I changed the way I fuck for you to be more comfortable. I’m always thinking about you.”
“And that’s not your fault. I like you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I want to do those things.”
I let him continue without interruption. I don’t think I could talk if I wanted to right now.
“But it doesn’t go both ways.” His jaw clenches, and he looks down, the first sign that he’s not as calm as he appears.
“You don’t give me anything. Something’s wrong, but you don’t say why.
You tell me you’re gay, but I’ve had my mouth on you more times than I can count, and you’ve never once— Like you don’t even—” His voice cracks, and he looks away, the implication that I’m not attracted to him clear. And that’s crazy talk.
“Mike—”
“I’m not finished.” He holds up a hand, and I close my mouth.
“People want me. I don’t have to do this shit.
Revolving my life around someone who isn’t proud to be with me.
You think I cheated on you? I couldn’t. Last night, I went home with the hottest chick from the bar, and I couldn’t get it up because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
Feeling like I was doing something wrong when you don’t even—”
He cuts himself off, wiping furiously at his cheeks when a tear falls from his eye, and I shake my head, because he’s wrong. He doesn’t understand. I love him. But he doesn’t stop, and the next words he says…
“So, I think I’m done.”
“No,” I say, closing the distance between us until I’m right in front of him, taking his hands in mine. He doesn’t hold them back. “No, Mike, listen to me. That’s not true. I lo—”
I stop before saying that word. Not like this.
“I know I’ve been handling this badly, but please don’t—”
“Alex.”
“I’ll do it,” I say, desperate in a way I’ve never been before. “Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it. I’ll tell Nate, call him right now if you want. I’ll touch you. I’ll—” I stumble over the words, but I still say them because I have to.
I can’t lose him.
“I’ll suck your dick. Right here. Come on.” I pull on his hands to get him to stand up. I can do this. Jason doesn’t matter right now. I can suck his dick, and I can enjoy it. He can fuck my face. Whatever he wants.
I can’t lose him.
He pulls away from my grip with a sad laugh. “It’s too late for that.”
“I mean it.” I step closer, desperate, close enough that I can see how tired his eyes are. How sad. I didn’t even know he felt this way. And when I’m done begging him to give me another chance, I’m going to hate myself for it.
“I’m serious. Whatever you need to believe that I want you, I’ll do it. Just tell me. Please, don’t give up on me.”
Something shifts in his face. The controlled expression cracking slightly. “You’ll do anything?” he whispers, bringing his hand up to caress my cheek, and I feel like I can breathe for the first time in weeks.
I nod. “Anything.”
He slides his hand up to my hair, running his fingers through the blonde strands, and it feels so good to be touched by him again that I almost don’t register his next words.
“I want to fuck you.” His voice is gentle. No teasing or bold confidence, only the truth. The one thing that will make him stay. “I want you to let me in completely. No more of the macho BS. I know you would love it if you gave it a chance.”
The kitchen is silent while he waits for my answer.
But everything in me is frozen.