Chapter 20
Before
I’ve been working up to this for weeks.
I’ve gone over the words, lying awake at three in the morning while Nate sleeps down the hall. I’ve run through every version of the conversation, every possible reaction from him.
I’ve never told anyone the truth about me.
But Iris is transgender, and Nate still loves her.
He doesn’t care that she’s trans. It doesn’t change a single thing about how he feels. Over the past few weeks, I’ve watched him learn that love doesn’t work the way he thought it did. That sometimes it doesn’t look the way Dad told him it had to.
If Nate can love her still, maybe—
Maybe.
So I have a plan.
It’s movie night, just the two of us, snacks, the new Marvel movie on DVD. It’ll be a fun night.
And it’s the perfect time to tell him.
Jason meets me in the school parking lot after dark.
He’s leaning against the wall next to the gym, relaxed, hands in his jeans. The version of him I’ve been seeing more of lately. My boyfriend. Those words make me smile every time I think them.
“Hey,” I call out, and when he sees me, his face does the thing it sometimes does, the almost-smile that he never quite lets out, but I see it, and it makes my heart flutter.
“Hey.” He glances around, always checking. “What’s up?”
He meets me in the middle, gripping my hips and kissing my lips. “I need to talk to you about something,” I say, smiling into the kiss.
He nods, pulling back, but leaving his hands on me, the way I like them. “Okay.”
I take a deep breath.
This is it.
“I’ve been thinking,” I start. My heart is already pounding, but I ignore it for now. This is okay. It’s a good thing. “I’m going to tell Nate.”
The easy expression doesn’t disappear right away, but his eyebrows furrow and his grip on me tightens. “Tell Nate what?”
“About me.” I hold his gaze even though everything in me is saying to look away. To back up. “About being gay. I want to come out to him.”
There’s only silence.
Only us and the cold and the wind blowing my hair in my face.
“No,” Jason finally says.
Just that.
No.
“Jason—”
“No!” he shouts, and I do take a step back this time, reading the shift in him. “You’re not doing that.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot,” I continue, hoping I can make him understand that it doesn’t have to be this way. “Nate’s— you know what’s happened with him and Iris, I don’t think he’s the person I thought he was about this stuff, he’s—”
“I don’t give a shit what’s going on with him and that—” His voice has gone low, the way it does, the familiar dread creeps up the back of my neck. “You’re not telling him shit.”
“I can’t stay in the closet forever, Jason.” The words come out steadier than I feel, but now that I’ve decided, I have no interest in changing my mind. “That’s no way to live. I can’t keep lying to my family.”
“You can and you will.” He steps closer, and I hold my ground even though my hands have started to shake. I curl them into fists to keep them still. “You think I don’t know what happens if you come out? You think people won’t put it together?”
“Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad,” I offer. “We wouldn’t have to hide.”
He clenches his jaw, and the vein on his forehead pops out. “You don’t get to decide that for me.”
“I’m not trying to decide anything for you. But I—”
“You’re going to keep your mouth shut,” he says, and anger isn’t the only thing in his voice this time. There’s a little bit of fear, too. “That’s what you’re going to do.”
“Jason.” I look up at him. I’ve given him everything. I’ve tried so hard to be what he needs. I see the good in him. But I can’t give him what he wants this time, not at the expense of my happiness.
“I can’t keep doing this. I’m not asking you to come out if you’re not ready. I know you have a difficult situation. But I can’t keep lying. Nate deserves to know who I am.”
“Oh, that’s real noble.” His voice twists into something mean. “You think Nate’s gonna throw you a parade? You think he’s gonna be okay with his kid brother taking it up the ass?”
I keep my face calm, not letting him see how his words affect me. “I think he might surprise me.”
“And what about me, huh? You don’t think he’s gonna have questions?”
“I won’t say anything about you. I would never—”
“He’s not stupid, Alex.”
“So what?” I challenge. “I spend my whole life pretending to be something I’m not? You want me to do that forever?”
He doesn’t answer.
“I’m eighteen,” I say, and my voice cracks, and I hate it, but fuck, I’m sad that this conversation is going this way. Part of me hoped he would be okay with it, but I see now that I was being naive. “I can’t spend my whole life ashamed of who I am because you’re scared.”
Something changes in his face.
By now, I know what Jason looks like when he’s angry. I know what it looks like when he’s working himself up and what it looks like right before he lets his fists take over.
I don’t know what this is.
“You’re not telling him, and that’s the end of this conversation.”
I shake my head. “I can’t do this anymore.” The words come out before I’ve decided to say them, but once they’re out, I know I mean them.
I’ve known for a long time.
Maybe since he took my virginity and never considered that I might want him to hold me after. Maybe since he left me waiting all night on Halloween and fucked me with someone else still on his dick.
Maybe since the first time he hit me.
“What did you say?”
“I’m breaking up with you.” My voice shakes, but I don’t take it back, even when he takes a step forward. “This isn’t healthy, Jason. I think you need to spend some time alone and think about what you really want, and then maybe—”
“You’re not breaking up with me.”
“I am.” I take a step back. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you want. But I can’t keep hurting myself for you. I deserve better than that.”
He stares at me, the vein still popping out in the parking lot lights.
I keep talking because if I stop, I’m scared I’ll listen to him, and I know now, without a doubt in my mind, that I’m doing the right thing.
“I’m not going to say anything about you. I hope you can find peace in whatever you decide. But I can’t stay in this. I can’t keep being your secret and letting you—” My voice catches. “I’ll always care about you, Jason. But this is over.”
“You’re not leaving me,” he says, and his voice sounds different. Darker. He steps forward until my shoulders connect with the brick wall of the school. “You think you can do that? After everything?”
“Please, don’t.”
“After everything I’ve risked for you?” His voice rises as he gets closer to my face. I close my eyes, leaning back as much as possible, but I can’t go anywhere with his body pinning me. “Do you have any idea what I’ve put on the line?”
“I know. And I’m sorry—”
“You’re sorry.” He laughs. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. “You’re sorry. You think that does anything?”
“Jason, please.”
The first punch catches me off guard, snapping my head back into the wall, making my vision white out. I grab the wall to stay upright, but he doesn’t give me time to recover.
His fist connects with my ribs hard. The pain is blinding, immediate, stealing the air from my lungs. I fold forward, but he shoves me back against the brick upright.
“Do you know how lucky you are?” His voice has gone somewhere else entirely, low and vicious as he lands another punch to my face. “You think anybody else would want you? You think anybody’s gonna want you after me?”
“Stop! Please stop!”
He doesn’t stop.
He hits me everywhere. My face, my jaw, my body. He brings his knee up between my legs, and it makes my vision blur and my knees buckle. I slide down the wall slightly before he catches me, pulling me up by my shirt and slamming me back against the wall.
“You’re nothing,” he says, from above me. “You understand that? You’re a pathetic little—”
“Stop.” I cry out through the pain, my voice barely working. It hurts everywhere. I have no idea if I’m okay. I can’t see out of my left eye. “Stop it, please.”
I must get through to him because he does stop, something flickering across his face that looks like regret when he sees the state of me. “Alex, I’m so—”
I don’t wait to hear what fake apology he’s gonna try to give me. I shove him with all my strength. Both hands against his chest, hard, with everything I have.
He moves back a single step.
And the look on his face afterward…
Pure rage.
He grabs my arms. I try to twist out of them, but he’s already turning me, slamming my face into the brick hard. I let out a pained groan, another plea, but he’s not listening anymore.
His hands reach my jeans, and I have no idea what he’s doing for about five seconds until I feel the cold wind on my ass and no.
“No, no, no, Jason, please,” I beg when I hear the sound of his belt. I didn’t think we were doing anything tonight. I was supposed to be going home. I didn’t prep at all.
“No, please, I’ll do anything, please. I’m sorry. I take it back.” I feel the head of his cock at my entrance, and I clench tight, an attempt not to let him inside, but he laughs, shoving me harder against the wall by my back.
“You’re fucking pathetic. Want me back now. It’s too late for that, bitch.”
“No, stop!” I reach back, trying to scratch or pull or do anything to get him to stop. To distract him from what he’s doing long enough to get away.
That was a mistake.
He takes my hand, holding it hard enough to hurt, his grip tightening even more, while he attempts to force his cock inside of me. I try to pull away, but he holds on tighter, shoving my hand into the brick, crushing it with his own.
Pain explodes through my hand, the impact jarring all the way up my arm. A strangled sound tears out of me, my body jerking against the wall as he pins me there. “Stop—” I choke out, but it’s useless. He smashes it over and over, bracing all of his weight as he thrusts inside of me.
The pain is unlike anything I’ve ever felt in my life.