Chapter Thirty Inana
Chapter Thirty
Inana
The fervor in his eyes, the darkness in his voice, has my grip slackening on the knife.
Before I know it, he grabs my wrist and twists until I release the blade.
He takes it from me and pivots us both to the side.
My back collides with the cave wall, and he pins my hand over my head.
I expect him to bring the knife up to my throat now, but his hand is empty, his palm slamming beside my head.
He presses the front of his body into mine, igniting a strange blend of fury and desire.
“What are you saying?” I ask when I manage to find my voice.
“I have a mission,” he says. “I’ve been training for it my whole life. Keeping secrets my whole life. Playing a role for the eventual greater good.”
“What is your mission?”
His jaw tightens, and I don’t think he’ll answer. Then he says, voice barely above a whisper, “I’m going to kill King Kaelum. That’s why I need Prince Leeran’s nomination: so I can attend the solstice ritual at the capital, end the life of a tyrant, and start a fucking war.”
A shudder ripples through me, excitement dancing with my rage.
My body reacts like he just serenaded me with the most seductive lullaby.
One of violence instead of romance. One that has my core heating just the same.
I relinquish my strength to the wall, letting it support me as my knees buckle beneath the weight of my conflicting reactions. “How? How will you do it?”
Again he hesitates before answering. “I collect more than just my own Shades.”
I ponder his words until pieces connect in my mind. The way his Shades are attracted to his blood, strongly enough that Calvin can use them as a compass to find us. The vial he held open on the rooftop back in Thornfal and hid as soon as I saw it.
“The vials,” I say. “You have some of the king’s blood?”
He nods.
“You’re looking for the cut-away pieces of his soul. But how will that help?”
“How do you think?”
I grit my teeth. I think we’re well beyond him making me come to my own conclusions so he doesn’t risk breaking his vows. But if he thinks I can find the answer on my own, then it must be staring me in the face. I revisit everything I learned.
Shades are the lunar energy—the sins—that are cut away in the process of turning a human Sinless during the Absolution ritual.
Shades are drawn to their original body’s blood.
Dominic has a vial of the king’s blood and seeks to collect his Shades.
All so he can kill King Kaelum, an immortal Sinless who can’t be killed.
That’s when I recall what started this conversation.
Sinless can be killed.
“Can a Sinless’s Absolution be reversed?” I say. “Can they be made mortal again if you collect their Shades?”
Some of the tension leaves his face, and he slowly releases me, his fingers lingering over my wrist before fully pulling away.
“Yes. And now you know the most dangerous, most treasonous secret I keep. The Sinless can be made mortal again if their lunar energy returns to their souls. I don’t know how Henry Berkham died, and it seems neither do you, but it’s only possible if he was made mortal again.
Somehow, he regained the shadowed pieces of his soul and died. That’s why Dunway was destroyed.”
I remain propped against the wall and let my arms hang loose at my sides. “If these secrets are important, how did you find out the truth? Do all Shadowbanes know?”
“I only know the truth because it was instilled by the rebellion. I was raised on the truth. Raised keeping secrets.”
The word rebellion sends a thrill through me. It isn’t just Dominic at work here. There’s a whole secret movement behind his plan.
He continues. “Some Shadowbanes discover bits and pieces of the truth due to the nature of our jobs. But we’re trained to want to keep those secrets, regardless of our vows, for it spells our own undoing should they ever get out.
We’re trained to believe being Sinless is the highest anyone can aspire to, and Shadowbanes are promised the gift of Absolution upon retirement.
Very few others are given that guarantee.
Most humans, as you know, live and die mortal, lamenting that they were never deemed pure enough to become Sinless.
So Shadowbanes have very little reason to question what we’re taught or do anything that could risk our standing with the church and crown.
“Moreover, we have every reason to obey. Before our partial Absolution, the crown rewards newly appointed Shadowbanes by moving our closest relatives to the Sacred City of our patron prince. Outwardly, this is a blessing. The ultimate dream. Our families are kept safe and living in luxury, but there’s a sinister side to that.
If any Shadowbane steps out of line, rebels, or is caught for treason, they aren’t the only ones who are punished. Our families are punished too.”
I frown. “Does that mean your family is in danger?”
“My family is part of the rebellion, though not in the same way I am. They aren’t even related to me by blood. They play their roles knowing it will likely end in their deaths.”
A strange sensation washes over me. Of feeling too small in a much too large world.
After I discovered the truth about the Holy Braziers, that a heart sacrifice is needed to light and sustain them, I felt like the only person who knew treasonous truths.
The only person who’d seen the dark side of the Sinless.
The only person who doubted the holy texts and everything we were taught to see as perfection.
All along, there was so much more to it.
And there are others who know the truth.
Even darker and more shocking truths than the secrets I’ve carried the last two years.
It makes me dizzy just thinking about it.
“How did things get this way?” I ask, my voice as small as I feel. “If Vanna didn’t create the Shades, then is Bastien’s role a lie too? Did he not bless humanity?”
“He did not,” Dominic says. “Bastien did not teach humankind Absolution; it was invented by the king and the church. Some rebels believe King Kaelum had good intentions five hundred years ago and sought to create a world without sin. Others believe he wanted to win a war by inventing everlasting flame, a source of fire strong enough to wipe out his enemies in a single night. It’s unclear whether he succeeded in doing so, but his attempt likely resulted in the Holy Braziers that are used today.
Whatever the case, his priests warped common astrotheurgy for purposes the gods never intended.
Common astrotheurgy was always meant to balance all the energies of the gods in small magical processes.
Yet Absolution does the opposite. It creates imbalance.
It strips lunar energy from one’s soul and fills the void left behind with more solar energy.
Our bodies were never meant to contain such an overabundance of life.
That’s the real reason my kind are overcome with the thirst for blood. ”
“What do you mean?”
“When our lunar energy is removed and replaced with solar energy, we have to make up for that imbalance. In other words, to counteract the overabundance of life coursing through our bodies, we must engage with death.”
My stomach churns. Yet another thing humankind is blamed for when it isn’t our fault.
The Sinless don’t crave blood as proof that humans have yet to earn the gods’ forgiveness; they crave it because they tampered with their souls.
That must also explain why the dukes and royals consume hearts to light the braziers—they need more death and darkness to harness the energy of light and life.
No wonder there’s a difference between common astrotheurgy and solar astrotheurgy.
One honored all the gods and resulted in small magics.
The other takes energy from a single god to perform massive feats.
I heave a tired sigh. “Why didn’t you tell us all of this from the start? Why did you let us believe you’re one of them?”
He takes a step back. “Because I am one of them. I may not want to be, but the things I’ve done in the name of my mission, in the name of being a Shadowbane, have forever stained my hands with blood.
I don’t deserve your admiration or respect.
Can you imagine how many other villages there have been like Dunway?
How many towns I didn’t save? Why do you think Shadowbanes are sent to serve two-week posts instead of permanently appointing a Shade hunter in each unprotected village?
To give the illusion of safety while allowing fear to control the population.
My only salvation is that I’ve never been ordered to make my Summoners stir a frenzy of Shades to punish a village.
The church knows to appoint teams like Henderson’s for tasks like that.
But if I was given the order…what do you think my choice would be?
Obey like I’m expected to and sacrifice a village, or defy orders and sacrifice my mission? ”
My heart collapses to my feet, but his reasoning makes sense in a twisted way.
He must see the disgust in my eyes, for he turns around and stalks toward the fire.
Crouching down, he turns the spits of fish to cook the other sides.
“Another reason I didn’t tell you right away,” he says, “is because this knowledge is dangerous, for me and you. The less you know, the less you can be held guilty for, should assholes like Henderson get the better of us.”
“I’m already guilty of treason,” I say, my shoulders slumped as I too return to the fire. I don’t add that I’m supposedly guilty of murder too, because that’s still up for debate. It may be a fact that Henry is dead, but neither I nor Dominic knows how he died.
“Yes, but now you can use the intel you’ve gathered on me to save your own skin. Previous Summoners have done so—or at least intended to—and I didn’t blame them. Not even as I cleaved their heads from their shoulders and buried their corpses.”
I settle on the opposite side of the fire and meet his gaze with narrowed eyes. “Is that a threat?”
“That depends. Are you with me or against me? I meant what I said all along. I will free you from this fucking place. You once asked what was across the sea, and I said there were no Sinless and no Shadowbanes. You understand what that means now, right? Maybe the other continents are full of warmongering devils. We don’t know for certain.
But there sure as hell aren’t any Shades. ”
His words strike me in the gut with the combined force of betrayal and hope.
Another lie we’ve been led to believe—that the Holy Continent is the only place that’s even remotely safe from Shades, thanks to the Sinless and braziers.
Now I know that’s a lie. It’s the only place where Shades exist. And since Shades can’t cross bodies of running water, then across the sea… lies safety.
“Continue to aid my mission for what remains of our six-month term,” he says, “and I will see that you survive.”
I rub my brow. “I’ve already agreed, haven’t I? Knowing the truth doesn’t change that.”
Something relaxes in his expression.
“Why six months, though?” I ask. “You could have demanded a much longer term, and we wouldn’t have had a choice in the matter.”
“That’s all the time I have left,” he says.
“I’m almost out of the king’s blood, and getting more is no simple task.
Rebels lost their lives to procure just the small amount I was given.
Which means I have to make this count. The king only meets Shadowbanes in person during the solstice ritual—in other words, once every ten years—and only those who are nominated by their patron prince.
You see why I’ve done everything I can to gain Leeran’s favor.
If I earn his nomination, I’ll get the chance to stand before the king.
And if I’ve collected all his Shades, I can make him mortal and end his life. Or I will die trying.”
“You’re willing to sacrifice your life?”
“I was born into this mission. It’s all I’ve ever known. And yes, I see it as worth my life.”
I don’t know if the heaviness I suddenly feel is grief or respect.
My feelings regarding this man have never been more complicated.
He’s more than what I thought he was. More righteous, but maybe more dangerous too.
Before, he was easy to hate. Now I understand him but still hate parts of him.
Particularly the part that has been able to turn a blind eye and obey orders just to get closer to his goal.
A goal that could light the first spark of a rebellion against the lying Sinless, but will he even live to see it?
Can I fully trust someone whose focus is so sharply homed in on his mission that everything else takes second place?
He may have promised my survival, but he could never place his crew over that which he was born to do.
My gaze drifts to his hands, his knuckles scarred from countless battles with Shades.
Then to the bandaged wound, stitched by my very fingers.
Then down to his chest, marked with that dizzying array of lines and glyphs, so beautiful and repulsive now that I know what that ritual circle did.
He knew the truth before he was a Shadowbane, which means he bore each cut aware of what it would do.
I can’t say whether that kind of dedication makes him deranged or… or really godsdamned attractive.
“It’s getting late,” he says, drawing my attention to his face. “Dark will fall soon. We’ll have to stay quiet until morning.”
Disappointment makes my shoulders sink, but I could probably use the silence. I have a lot to think about. A lot to process. I’ll certainly have all the time I need, what with the nights being at their longest. In fact, tonight just might be…
“Oh,” I say. “Is it winter solstice?”
He frowns, as if giving it some thought. “I believe so.”
“It’s my birthday, then.”
His mouth curls into a sideways smile. “Happy birthday, Inana.”
I return his grin, a truce after our tense conversation. Meanwhile, I bury down the racing of my heart, the traitorous pulse that quickened at the sound of my name spoken so tenderly on his lips.