7. Bane
CHAPTER 7
BANE
I finished plating up the eggs and bacon, stuck a couple of slices of buttered toast on the plates, and refilled the coffee cups. River seemed to like it on the stronger side. At least, I thought he did. He’d drunk the last one I made, and I was sure, with time, I’d be able to figure out what he actually liked. At the moment, he was compliant and going with the flow. He might have looked tough with his narrowed eyes and pinched lips, but he couldn’t hide just how scared he was. I caught a moment when he thought I wasn’t watching, and I saw the tremors that ran through him. How he flinched at every sound and hunched his shoulders up. He had a habit of picking the broken skin around his left thumb, an automatic gesture he probably wasn’t aware of. How his ruined bottom lip scabbed and bled almost constantly.
In my line of work, you saw everything. Nothing surprised me these days. Horrified, yes. I was exposed to the darkest, most depraved parts of humanity the average person could ignore and pretend didn’t exist. But I saw it day in and day out. The training we’d received at the academy had been invaluable. We learned to show empathy but to never get invested. But everything with River was different. It might have been years since I’d last seen him, but I knew him, had spent time with him, had a relationship with him, even if we were just kids.
Being emotionally involved with a case of this nature was dangerous, but even Bower couldn’t pry River from my cold, dead hands. He had ingrained himself in my memories. I felt his presence, his every breath. I didn’t know if I’d survive this, but there was a part of me that knew I had to take care of him, to protect him from the horrors he’d lived through, the ones that had broken and molded him into the shell he was today. Whatever it took to help him, I would do.
With everything placed neatly on a tray, I headed through to the living room. I thought about eating at the breakfast bar or at the table, but River seemed to enjoy being wrapped up in the blankets I’d put on him last night. I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable, so we could just eat on the couch. Anything to help make it easier for him to acclimate to what his life would be like now. I knew I’d have questions to answer from Bower, although since agreeing to me having River here, I could see the cogs turning in his mind. My exposure was too great. He knew I was emotionally invested in him, and that was a weakness for both the case and the team, but the two of us were the best shot we had of cracking this case wide open.
“River, are you done?” I asked as I set the tray on the table and put his plate and cup out for him. “River?” The soft taps of the keys and the click of the mouse had stopped by the time I was plating up.
The hair on my arms stood on end as his breathing hitched. My heart froze, and my gut clenched as a wave of icy fear washed over me. When I glanced over my shoulder, River sat frozen, tears tracking down his pale cheeks, his eyes unfocused as if lost in memories. I grabbed the laptop off his lap, shoved it under the table, and kneeled at his feet, placing my hands on his knees.
“River? Can you hear me?” I gently increased the pressure on his knees, hoping it would snap him out of whatever he was trapped in, but nothing. “River?” I waved my hand in front of his eyes, hoping to trigger a response, a reflex, anything, but it was as if he was gone.
My heart sank. This was the second time in less than twenty-four hours that I’d lost him. I inhaled and exhaled in a steady rhythm, trying to calm myself down so I didn’t startle or accidentally hurt him. I was stronger than most. Montoya liked to joke that I didn’t know my own strength, especially in a heightened emotional state. That edge of fear was enough to grant me the clarity I needed.
River was like a statue carved from ice. Frozen perfection. My hands coasted up his arms that were still in my jacket that hung off his smaller frame. He vibrated under my touch like high voltage electricity flowed through his veins. The tendons in his neck strained as he fought a battle I couldn’t see.
My large hands cupped the cool skin of his cheeks, and I wiped away his tears with my thumbs as they fell. “River,” I exhaled. “You’re okay. You’re here with me. Nothing can hurt you here.” I whispered words of encouragement and platitudes until my knees burned and turned numb. Until the strength it took to hold my arms still, pushed my limits. Slowly but surely, I felt the layers of ice thaw, and his body became pliant under my touch. My heart skipped a beat when he leaned into me, his shallow breaths evening out and his jaw unclenching.
Deep evergreen eyes fluttered, narrowed, and eventually focused on me. River licked his wet lips, tasting his salty tears and shuddered. His lips parted and formed shapes like he wanted to say something, but nothing would come. But the whole time he leaned into me like I was the guide rope leading him out of the darkness and back into the light.
The tip of his tongue touched his top lip, the light pink a contrast to the darker red of his lips. I swallowed, watching intently, hypnotized as it wet the stretched, chapped skin. My breath caught in the back of my throat when he mouthed thank you.
Emotion burned the back of my eyes, and goosebumps littered my skin. I cleared my throat and the ball of emotion that was lodged in it. “I’ll do anything for you.” My voice was strained and thick, but I meant every word. It was a promise. A vow. One I’d hold on to until my last breath.
River’s breath faltered, and if I wasn’t in such proximity to him, I would have missed the way his eyes dropped to my mouth. The intensity of his gaze made the world freeze for a second. My heart stammered and thoughts I had no right to think assaulted my mind. What would it be like to pull him into me? To tease and taste his full lips? To give in to this connection there was between us? It was more than traumas and shared past.
It could be so much more. If only…but no, I couldn’t. There was a major imbalance in the power dynamic between us. River trusted me to care for and protect him, and I refused to take advantage of his fragile situation. If things were different when we’d reconnected, then maybe. But as it stood now, it would only hurt him more, and I’d never forgive myself if I hurt him. I had to protect him from everyone that wanted to hurt him—even myself.
Shaking my head, I dropped my hands like touching him had burned me. Pain lanced across his face, and the walls that he’d dropped quickly rebuilt, strengthened with adamantium as I pulled away and stood. Turning to face the table, I squeezed my hands into fists to hide the fact they were shaking with fear, with want. With the need to touch him and pull him back into my arms.
“Why don’t you go freshen up,” I croaked, feeling raw as I tried to lock down these inappropriate thoughts and feelings. “The bathroom is just down the hall, third door on the right.” River pushed up from the sofa, blankets pooling at his feet. The thud they made when they hit the floor felt like a nail in the coffin of what could have been. “I’ll get you a clean change of clothes and stick it on the counter in there.”
I didn’t hear him leave. He moved like a ghost on light feet, probably trained to not be seen or heard. But I felt him go, like he’d taken half of me with him.
“Fuck!” I grunted and ground the heels of my hands into my burning eyes. “Get your shit together, Bane. This isn’t you. It can’t be.” I coached myself through the turmoil and grabbed the plates, sticking them in the oven to keep warm. I’m sure if I was thinking rationally, I’d have realized it would have been better to toss the cold food and start again after he had a shower, but fuck if my mind was working right now.
By the time I reached the hallway, I could hear the shower running. Compartmentalize. Control. Care. The words ran through my head as I took the stairs three at a time up to my room and threw the door open. I grabbed a tee and another pair of boxers and sweats for River, not sparing a glance at the door of what would become his room just across the hall from mine. Was it tempting fate? Maybe, but I was strong. Strong enough to ignore the way his shattered green orbs called to me.
I could do this. I could. I had to. There was no other option, because I refused to hand River’s care or safety over to anyone else. I hadn’t told him the full story when we left the station yesterday, which was maybe for the best because Montoya confirmed my worst fears when she updated me while frying the bacon. River’s friends were gone, taken from the hostel we’d placed them in during the night.
Around one a.m., firefighters evacuated the building after a fire broke out. Preliminary reports hinted at arson, as they found an accelerant in the external electrical box where the fire originated. After a final headcount, it was determined that Dale, Max, and Gabe were gone. CCTV was no help, as it had mysteriously malfunctioned in the surrounding blocks.
You didn’t need to be a genius to work out there was a lot more going on than a simple fire. River now had a target on his back, one bigger than the one he already had when we took him into custody. I needed to speak with Bower to arrange for someone to watch the house and check over my security system.
After leaving the clothes on the counter as promised, I put a load of wash on, adding my uniform to it before slipping on the jeans and hoodie I’d left in the dryer the day before. Back in the kitchen, I busied myself with tossing out the rubbery eggs and started on a fresh batch. The butter sizzled in the pan as I cracked and stirred the eggs in. Focusing on small, simple tasks helped me regain control over my wandering thoughts so I could approach everything logically. That’s what I needed to do right now—take it one logical step at a time.
The sound of a chair scraping on the tiled floor clued me in to River’s arrival, along with the cloud of steam that followed him in. I glanced over my shoulder, loving the sight of him in my clothes far more than I should. He sat with his head in his hands, drops of water sliding down the still damp dark strands of hair covering his face as he stared at the countertop.
“Here.” I slid a fresh plate across the counter, only turning to look at him fully when I asked, “Coffee or orange juice?” I held both in my hands as I waited for him to look up at me, and when he did, my heart swooped in my chest.
River tilted his head to the side and chewed on his bottom lip, indecision written all over his face. I huffed a laugh and set the coffee down next to his plate. “How about both?” A smile transformed his features before he dropped his head to look intently at his steaming plate of food.
After plating my breakfast and grabbing cutlery, we ate in near silence. River inhaled his in the time it took me to eat a slice of toast. I chuckled when he pushed his plate away and rubbed his stomach. Without thinking, I pushed my plate across to him and nodded when he glanced up at me through his thick lashes.
“Have at it. I’m good.” I swallowed the last mouthful of coffee, rinsed my cup, and set it in the sink. “Are you finished adding stuff to the basket?” River hummed around a forkful of bacon, refusing to meet my eyes. But nothing he did could hide the blush staining his cheeks. “Cool. I’ll get it ordered now.”
River nodded, focusing on his food as I headed to the living room, the sound of cutlery against porcelain the only sound in my home. I hoped one day it would be filled with the sound of River’s voice, his laugh, his dreams. Today was not that day, but I was a patient man. I settled on the couch and opened the laptop, intrigued by what he’d selected, and quietly hoping it would give me insight into who he was and what he liked.
That excitement died when I saw what he had added to the basket. It was all black, and consisted only of the bare necessities. One pair of sneakers and boots. Two pairs of jeans and sweats. A couple of tees, a henley, and a hoodie. A black biker jacket that made me wonder once again if he’d like going out on my bike, but now wasn’t the time to approach anything like that. River needed to trust me, to feel safe with me before I took him out on my Hammerhead. The more I worked through his basket, the tighter my chest felt. Surely he needed more than two of everything. One set to wear, and one to wash?
“He can always get more,” I muttered as I filled in the payment details and selected the option to pick it up in store. While that was processing, I grabbed my phone and chuckled when I saw a text from Montoya.
Montoya
I can’t believe you get to have a week away from this shit!!!
Me
It’s only to help River acclimate and make sure he’s safe here, especially after the other guys from the raid are now MIA.
Me
The target on his back just got bigger.
Montoya
I know! I’ll be taking one of the first stake out shifts tonight. Don’t panic, we’ll keep your boy safe.
Me
That’s good to know, but I need a favor.
Montoya
Dare I ask?
I snickered as I pictured her rolling her eyes at me. I grinned down at my phone as I typed.
Me
I need you to pick up an order for me from Walmart. I got River to order some clothes and bits considering he has nothing and my stuff drowns him.
Montoya
I can only imagine! You’re a giant among men
Montoya
Sure, no probs. Let me know the deets and I’ll drop it all off later.
Me
Thanks, M
Montoya
Fuck off you know I’ve got your back.
I did. She was the best partner I could have asked for, but she was more than that—she was my friend. We confided in each other about so much, and most days, it felt like it was us against the world when we walked into the station. But I wasn’t sure I could tell her about these feelings I’d been having. I didn’t want to see disapproval in her eyes, because I wanted her support, always. She was a part of my life, and I didn’t want to jeopardize our working relationship or friendship.
My eyes flicked up to the screen, confirming the payment had gone through. I quickly confirmed the collection time with Montoya, then slipped my phone into my pocket and headed back into the kitchen to load the dishwasher.
River was clutching his coffee mug, looking out the window to the backyard beyond it. “You can sit out there if you want for a bit, or I could show you where everything is in your room? Montoya is going to pick up your order and drop it over later so you can make it into your space.” River tilted his head to the side to show he was listening, but seemed thoroughly consumed with the outside world. “Whatever you want, really.”
Not knowing what else to say, I rinsed the empty plates and loaded the dishwasher before searching my junk drawer for a notepad and pen. “Here.” I placed them on the counter for him. “Did you want another coffee? Juice? Water?”
Shaking his head, River got up, rounded the counter, and rinsed his cup and glass before sticking them in the dishwasher while I wrung my hands, unsure what to do next. I wanted to hug him, but this wasn’t about me. As if River could read my mind or my sheer lack of direction, he scribbled on the notepad.
Can I see my room?
“Oh sure, follow me.” He did, following me into the living room, where I grabbed the blankets and headed upstairs. It was unnerving how silently he moved around. The stairs that creaked under my weight stayed silent under his. I cleared my throat. “This one is mine,” I said, pointing at the door to the right. “And this one is yours. There are two more at the other end, but they’re empty.” I shrugged when River’s eyes widened. “It’s not like I have anyone else to visit me, no family or anything.”
River scribbled on his notepad.
Partner?
“Montoya is my partner. You met her at the station.”
Exhaling heavily, River started writing again.
Girlfriend?
A deep laugh punched its way out of me. “Good god, no. She’s a friend. More like the little sister I lost, and the closest thing to family I have. I have…” I licked my lips, feeling seriously confused by his line of questioning. “I’m not in a relationship.” My shoulders slumped. “I’ve never really…” I spread my hands wide. “Never really had any long-term relationships or anything.”
A look flashed across his face that I couldn’t decipher before he nodded, accepting my response. Opening his door, I gestured for him to go in first and shuffled in behind him, plopping the blankets down on the bed.
“The sheets on the bed are clean, but as you can see, it’s not much.” I opened the door to the bathroom and explained what was in there, and pointed out the closet and how to work the TV. “I know it’s not much. You deserve so much more.” My words caught in my throat, emotion threatening to drown me as the memory of him explaining how he’d been living came forward. Here was me saying a room of his own with a queen bed and hot running water wasn’t much when it was a million miles away from what he’d had.
My eyes flew open when River’s cool fingers wrapped around my wrist, a watery smile on his face, and his deep green forest eyes glassy. Releasing my arm, he passed me the notepad.
This means more than I can even say.
“It’s the least I could do, Riv.” I wanted to say so much more—about how I wanted to take care of him and show him how much he deserved to be happy, but a yawn split his face. “Do you want to come back downstairs while I make some calls, or do you want to watch TV and chill?”
Rivers’ eyes ping-ponged all over the room before settling on the bed. He ran his hand over the fitted cotton sheet and pulled the pillow into his chest, squeezing it. A vise tightened around my chest at the small childlike gesture. He climbed onto the bed, piled up the pillows in the middle, and pulled the blankets up to his chest.
“Here.” That seemed to be my favorite word at the moment. I passed him the remote, sitting on the edge of the bed as I walked him through how to work the old TV. After explaining Netflix and Prime, I closed the blind and ran downstairs to grab him a bottle of water.
“I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” River regarded me with heavy-lidded eyes and nodded. The TV drew his attention away from me as he surfed through the offerings on Netflix, slowly sinking deeper under his pile of blankets. I slipped from the room unnoticed.