14. River
CHAPTER 14
RIVER
H ow Bane could still look at me so tenderly threw me for a fucked up loop after I’d spilled every dark facet that was locked away in my mind. The images, sights, and sounds I’d tried to bury in a place where the sun would never shine had been released from their cage. Something about the earnest look in his mismatched eyes brought them back to life in a kaleidoscope of suffering that was now stuck on repeat. Every time I closed my eyes, a different memory assaulted me, dragging its claws through me until I was nothing but ruined ribbons of red. I felt flayed wide open and vulnerable to my core. When I glanced down at the tiles beneath my feet, I expected to find them running red with a river of blood. Instead, the white tiles gleamed back at me, almost in mockery of my pain.
I hadn’t been totally truthful with Bane—there was still one secret I’d kept from him, and I would take it to the grave. The brothers promised me that their faces would be the last I ever saw. It wasn’t an idle threat; I’d seen the bloodlust and insatiable need in their eyes. They had taunted me about how good it would be to fuck me as I took my last breath, and then tortured me with all the things they’d do to the body I left behind.
I couldn’t bring that to Bane’s door. I refused to. It would break him in ways I couldn’t even contemplate. I just needed to find the path of least resistance to break away. My bag was packed and stuffed in the back of my closet. I’d been squirreling away items of food and a few bottles of water, so I had something to get by with when I ran. I just needed to work out where to go or how to get as far away from here as possible. Holme Oaks was a large town, but it wasn’t big enough for me to become invisible in, like a sprawling city metropolis would be. Dahlia had a wide reach and was well connected. She’d followed in her father’s and grandfather’s footsteps, and her business spanned most of the USA, South America, and beyond. One night, I’d overheard her laughing about the raids on her clubs and how pathetic the local law enforcement were. Dahlia thought she was untouchable, and I wanted to prove her wrong as much as I wanted to do right by Bane.
An idea grew like a seed in my mind, pushing back the faces of men that infected it like a poison. I knew what I had to do to pay penance to Bane for upending his life. I just hoped he would forgive me, because everything I was about to do would be for him.
By the time the hot water had run out, I had settled on a plan. It was simple but dangerous, and would probably cost me my life. But what kind of future did a fuck-up like me really have? None. So I might as well go out with a bang and doing it all for the only person who had ever cared about me seemed to be the best way.
Steam filled the bathroom, and I reached blindly for a towel and quickly dried off. New purpose filled me like a deadly venom, but I didn’t regret it. The towel landed somewhere near the hamper as I discarded it and turned to the mirror, covered with condensation. With a trembling finger, I wrote a message through the tiny water droplets.
Thank you for everything, Bane.
This is for you.
Tears flowed through the gullies in my skin as I leaned forward and kissed the mirror, transferring all my pain into it. I might not like what I saw in the mirror, but as of right now, I couldn’t hate it either. I didn’t know if my actions were selfless or not, but at my core, I believed they were and convinced myself this was best for everyone.
My emotions were a mess, consuming me as I slipped on a pair of jeans, a black tee, and another one of Bane’s hoodies. His scent saturated it, and each inhale of the cedarwood and leather smell made me feel like his arms were wrapped around me, and he’d always be with me. While yanking on a pair of boots he had gotten me, a new item in my closet caught my eye. A sweet-as-fuck leather jacket that hadn’t been in there before. It fit like a glove. The distressed leather was supple and strong, and I loved it.
The downstairs was deserted by the time I got down there, and Shadow was snoozing in his crate, looking at home in a way I never would. On the counter was some water and a couple of tablets. Without thinking, I knocked them back and downed the water, welcoming the cool liquid into my raw throat. It was only after I set the glass down that I saw the note Bane left me to meet him out front. Swallowing down the nervous energy flowing through me, I headed to the front door.
The golden afternoon sun hung low in the sky, blinding me as I stepped out of the dark house. With my hand covering my eyes, I blinked, trying to clear my vision as fireworks burst across it. Bane came into focus and holy shit, I would remember this moment forever. When the time came to take my last breaths and the final montage of the time we’d spent together flashed before my eyes, this scene would be the last one. The one I’d keep forever with me in hell.
Bane was the embodiment of every fantasy I’d ever had. His six-foot-five frame leaned effortlessly against a black bike, sleek and hot as hell, its chrome exhaust gleaming in the light like it was studded with diamonds. The sight scrambled my thoughts and made my mouth water, desperate for just one taste as I struggled to take it all in. His dark-washed jeans clung to thick, powerful thighs, while biker boots hugged his calves, one foot casually crossed over the other. My gaze slowly traveled up his long legs to where his white shirt rode up just a few inches, revealing rich dark skin, a glimpse of deeply carved abs, and the top of an Adonis belt that made my knees weak.
I had never wanted anyone this intensely. Touch had always left me feeling violated and repelled, but with Bane, it was different. It was easy, as natural as breathing. It felt right. He felt like home.
A throat cleared, making me jump. I looked up through my lashes to see humor dancing in his hypnotic mismatched orbs. “My eyes are up here.” He chuckled, pointing at his eyes with his fingers while a delectable smile lit up his face. I swallowed and licked my lips in case there was any drool on them, because the man was perfection. “Do you like my baby, angel?” His gravelly voice wrapped around me like a physical caress, pulling me toward him.
Did he realize he kept calling me angel? Did it mean something more than just a slip of his tongue? “Mmmm.” The sound resonated in my chest as I nodded, and his smile spread to his eyes, making my heart flip-flop in my chest. Fuck me, leaving was going to hurt even more than I imagined. It’s for the best.
I’m nothing. A no one.
Unloveable.
“Would you like a ride?” He stepped up to me and unfolded his arms. “Let’s get you zipped up and a helmet on, okay?”
I blinked, frozen by the tattoos revealing themselves as he stretched his arm out toward me. How had I not noticed he had tattoos after all this time? I flushed hot and cold as he stepped closer and zipped up my leather jacket. My breath started coming in short sharp pants as brushed his knuckles over my cheek, but my eyes focused on the way his teeth sunk into his full bottom lip. When he pushed a ridiculously large helmet over my head, my heartbeat echoed in my ears. Bane kicked his leg over his bike and straddled it, moving like he had no bones in his body.
Bane held his hand out to me, palm up, and without a thought, mine slid into his. The rough calluses sent waves of electricity across my smooth skin. He wrapped his fingers around my wrist and yanked me closer until I was flush with his side, and a wicked chuckle seeped past his lips. “Come, Riv, hop on. Put your feet on the kickstand, then wrap your arms around me. Simple.”
Simple? Was he insane? Like a marionette on a string, I followed his instructions, and soon I was nestled up close and personal with the solid slab of muscle that was his back, trying to mold my body to his as the bike snarled to life beneath us. Deep vibrations rolled through me as I clutched the sides of his jacket, unable to wrap my arms around his broad chest.
Bane laughed when I squeaked and glanced at me over his shoulder. With the visor up, I could see the joy sparkling in his eyes. The deepening lines around them pulled at the frayed strings of my heart as he smiled. “You good?”
Relinquishing my hold on him, I pulled my arm back and gave him a shaky thumbs up. He snorted, shook his head and pulled on some gloves before saying, “Good. Hold on.”
He pulled my arms tighter around his chest, gave them a quick squeeze, then leaned forward and revved the engine. “I want to take you to my favorite places.” With that, he pushed his visor down, twisted the throttle, and the bike lurched forward, wheels spinning on his driveway in his quiet, sleepy suburb.
Within seconds, we were flying across the blacktop, leaving the sprawling neighborhood behind. I’d been in Holme Oaks a few years but had never really seen any of it other than the inside of a blacked out van or a room. The less I focused on that, the better. So this experience really was a once in a lifetime one for me. A bucket list moment where I’d discover what it was like to fly without ever leaving the ground.
Things changed pretty quickly. Quaint two stories with neatly trimmed front yards morphed into oak-lined streets and yards so big you couldn’t see the houses behind them. I noticed the cars also changed from sedans and trucks to town cars and sleek sports cars. When the houses became mansions, it felt like I’d been transported to another world. Walls rose around the properties and electric gates at the entrances came with their own guard booths.
Jealousy burned through me like a solar flare. While I suffered, wishing for death, people lived in gilded cages that my dreams couldn’t even comprehend. It made me sick to my back teeth. Not wanting to see any more, I screwed my eyes shut and buried my head against Bane’s back, shutting the world out. It felt like he was rubbing everything I could never have in my face. Emotion clogged my throat as tears pricked the back of my eyes. How could this be what he wanted to show me?
“Riber, ook.” Bane’s muffled voice startled me. I could tell we were still moving, but the brutal sound of the wind rushing past had faded. “Ook.” My eyes opened reluctantly and followed the direction his arm was pointing.
“Holy fuck!” I muttered in awe as my eyes swept across the breath-stealing views before me. We were halfway up a large hill, looking out over the whole of Holme Oaks. But the town spanning out in front of us wasn’t what captivated me. My arms tightened around Bane as rays of golden light skittered into a kaleidoscope of colored fractals that danced across the water of the biggest lake I had ever seen. The far side seemed to meld with the horizon in a haze that made it look almost ethereal. Banked by a dark forest, it felt kind of symbolic, reminding me of the man my arms were wrapped around.
We continued along the road for about a mile before we turned off and headed down a well-worn track. I’d expected Bane to pull over on his bike as the terrain became seriously uneven, but he skillfully navigated our way down to a parking area by the bluffs before we rolled to a stop. He kicked out the kickstand and turned the engine off.
In a move that seemed to defy physics, Bane pulled me around him, so I sat in front of him, my back to his chest and overlooking the lake lapping at the shore. He tapped my helmet, unclipping it for me before doing the same with his and stowing them on the back of the bike. I tipped my head back against his shoulder as a gentle breeze coasted over my heated cheeks and smiled up at him before my eyes returned to the view.
Never had I ever felt peace like this before. I didn’t know if the stunning vista, being in nature, or being wrapped in the arms of the only person who had ever made me truly feel safe in my life. Or if it was a combination of all of them. I should have been exhausted after I bared my soul to him this morning, and I was, emotionally, but I also felt rejuvenated, like right now was a fresh start.
But it couldn’t be, no matter how much I wished it could. We were too different. Our lives were on completely different trajectories. Bane deserved the best of everything, and I deserved nothing. I would treasure these last few moments with him. I’d use the memories to keep me warm when I let the darkness back in. When I switched off my emotions and gave over control of my life to the devil.
“This is one of my favorite places to come to think,” Bane said, the low resonance vibrating through me. “I love being surrounded by nature, leaving all the shit that comes with my job behind, and just feeling like I can breathe for once.”
I slid my hands over his where they rested on my thighs and squeezed them, letting him know I’m here, as if it was something I did every day. Bane might be intimidating with his tall, broad, and dark form and strength enough to crush bone, but he was the sweetest, most caring person I’d ever met. He was a bleeding heart, open and honest to anyone who would give him the time of day. I was so glad his job hadn’t made him closed off and jaded. He needed someone to protect him, who would nurture this side of him, who would cultivate it and allow it to grow. Bane deserved to be loved wholly, truly, with every beat of someone’s heart, and that person could never be me.
The tip of my tongue wet my lips. “I-it’s…peaceful.” Every letter burned as I forced it out, but I did it for him.
Bane hummed in acknowledgement. He spread his fingers so mine slipped between them and held on tight, like I might float away if he stopped touching me. His heart hammered against me, mirroring the chaotic beat of my own. A small smile flickered around my mouth as tears pooled in my eyes and the beautiful view before us wavered. I swallowed down my emotions and blinked away my tears before they fell.
This felt like goodbye. A dream that I would wake up from. Please, please let me never wake up.
The longer we sat, the less meaning time held. The rest of the world slipped away and became nothing but a shadow. Clouds passed over the lake as reality shifted and we created our own. Wrapped in his arms, I relaxed into him, listening to stories from the years we were apart. How even though the Hendrix’s were perfect on paper, they were nothing compared to the parents he lost, because they were searching for something in him they would never find. He wasn’t the son they lost. The more he told me, the more my heart hurt for him, and I couldn’t allow myself to fall deeper in l?—
“I thought about you often, you know,” he said earnestly. “I wondered where you were, who you had become. When I turned eighteen and had left the Hendrix’s to start my training, I called Mrs. Wilkinson, but she said she hadn’t seen you in years. That she’d tried to keep tabs on you, but after Elise left, no one would tell her anything.”
I shrugged, because what could I say to that? Oh, by that time I was on the streets, dumpster diving and turning tricks to get the occasional hot meal? That I was that close to giving up, that I prayed I’d die in my sleep and have done so every night since then? No, I couldn’t. He already knew enough to haunt him for a lifetime.
After we shared a small picnic, we sat with our legs overhanging the bluffs like kids, creating memories we wished we could have when we were younger. When the wind picked up, whipping up the waves on the lake, we packed up and headed back to the bike.
This time, when Bane sat on the bike, he pulled me on so I was facing him, my legs draping over his thighs. My breath hitched as his large hands cupped my face, pushing back the strands of hair covering my eyes.
“Thank you for today, River.”
I looked up at him in confusion and arched my brow. Thank you? Had he hit his head on a rock? Nerves niggled in my gut, and I picked at the scab on my thumb as tension licked my shoulders.
“I know it wasn’t easy.” He licked his lips with the tip of his tongue, my eyes following it like disciples. “Thank you for trusting me, for opening up to me.” I sniffed, my throat feeling tight. “Thank you for trusting me to be there to take care of you.”
I shook my head, breaking free of his intoxicating hold. I couldn’t think straight when he was touching me. His magic fingers short wired my brain. My arms formed a wall between us as they crossed over my chest, while that alarm blared in my head. Run. Run. Run, before he gets too attached. It was becoming difficult to breathe. I couldn’t feel the icy wind howling through the trees. My fingers sunk into the soft leather, desperate for something to hold on to. Darkness drifted like smoke across my eyes as thunder rumbled above us in the clouds.
“River.” Bane’s hands sunk into my hair and pulled tight, anchoring me to him. “Fight it,” he growled. “Don’t let your mind win. Stay with me. Fight. Please fight.”
Static rang in my ears as he started to be swallowed by the smoke. Inhales and exhales sawed in and out of my lungs. The tenderness in his eyes was too much, his sweet, gentle touch suffocating. The emotions flowing across his face made this all too real, and it could never be more than this.
It could never be real.
“You’re worth fighting for, River.”
No . I shook my head and sunk my teeth into my bottom lip to hold back the whimper building in my chest. No, I’m not. Why can’t you see?
“You are, River. You deserve to be happy.”
No! That’s a lie! A thick teardrop slipped from my eye, searing my skin. Bane sucked in a stuttering breath and caught it on his thumb, brought it to his lips, and kissed it like he could breathe life back into me. My heart did a backflip in my chest, and my resolve crumbled like a house of cards built on quicksand. My hand shot up to my throat, fingers digging into flesh, pulling at the invisible rope that was wrapped around it as I gasped, lungs starved for oxygen.
“I will prove to you that you are.” Bane closed the distance between us, his thumb gently stroking my cheek bone.
It was heaven and hell. I was trapped in purgatory with everything I wanted right in front of me, everything I could never have. I was like an addict being offered a hit of crack.
When his lips met mine, I whited out. His tongue traced the shape of my mouth, making me gasp. Waves of electricity flowed through me as his tongue wrapped around mine, tasting, teasing, owning me. He kissed like I was the first drop of rain after a drought. He kissed me like he’d been made to worship me. I felt every minute movement of his fingers as they flexed in my hair, positioning me so he could deepen the kiss.
I was drowning in him. His cedarwood and leather scent saturated me as his mouth stole the air from my lungs, pushing me to the brink before kissing life back into me. His touch tried to reform me as I broke and shattered under his ministrations. Tears poured down my cheeks as I felt cherished. Wanted. Needed.
I felt like I was dying, because nothing real was ever this good.
Bane kissed me as the wind whipped around us, and every thought left my mind. Tension eased in my muscles, and I melted into him as he tried to fuse our bodies together like he wanted to get under my skin and hold my heart in the palm of his hands.
My arms wrapped around his neck, my legs wrapped around his hips, our chests touching as we shared oxygen with each stroke of our tongues. Bane’s hands coasted down my back to my ass, his fingers sinking into the globes, kneading the needy flesh trapped in my pants. I bit his lip, making him groan as he rocked me against him. His thick length was like steel against me with every upward thrust. I needed to stop this before he regretted it, regretted me.
But I was drowning in him, and I found it hard to care. Thick drops of rain fell from the sky, heightening every touch, every taste, every sensation he elicited from me. I’d never been kissed like this. I’d never been kissed by another man. Fuck! Thunder cracked above us, booming like a shockwave, making the bike shake beneath us. Bane pulled back from me, wild and frantic, his lustful eyes nearly black as they darted all around us.
“Shit. Fuck,” he gritted out and clenched his jaw, scrubbing his hand over his face like he needed to wipe me off him before I tainted him with my venom.
I shrank back at his rejection, and an ache formed in my chest. How stupid was I to think he actually cared about me? His words were just pretty lies painted in promises that were dipped in poison. Beautiful, but deadly. I was a hole, a body to be used for another’s pleasure, not my own. Never my own.
Another clap of thunder rendered the air, temporarily deafening me, leaving a ringing in my ears. Bane’s lips moved, but I couldn’t hear anything he said. My heart beat so hard I thought it would shatter my ribs.
The rain was so heavy now I could barely see the lake through the steel curtains falling from the sky. Lightning illuminated the tumultuous clouds that churned above our heads.
Bane shoved me back and got off the bike. Ice slithered through my veins, my fingers and toes turning numb as he walked away. I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back against my shoulder, surrendering to the pain that fell as relentlessly as the rain from the sky.
Bane shoved a helmet over my head, and before I could react, he bodily moved me onto the bike, pulling me into him. But it was too late. His arms wrapped around me, but they no longer brought comfort. Not after he’d shown his true colors.
Every thunderstorm was a church without walls—and we were the eye—because we were all sinners, and we needed to repent. No one was perfect, not even Bane.