20. Bane
CHAPTER 20
BANE
S eeing River lying in that bed, beaten and bruised, and trying not to lose control, was almost unbearable. One side of his face was swollen, with deep cuts marring his cheek, and his skin a stained watercolor of blacks and blues. I swallowed hard, but my throat felt tighter with each attempt, my lungs constricting as if I couldn’t draw breath. I had just bared everything to him—heart, soul, and all the unspoken pieces I’d guarded for so long, offering them up at his feet. And now, silence. Deafening silence that stretched into an ache with each second he stared back at me through eyes that saw right past me.
Unable to handle the trepidation leaching into me, I pushed up from the chair, leaned in, and brushed my lips across his forehead, hoping he’d feel the tenderness I couldn’t put into words. Then I turned and walked out of the room, the weight of his unspoken rejection pressing down on me, heavier than the guilt I already carried for abandoning him to his current fate. I’d given him all of me, but the hollow ache left from his silence was consuming me, filling me with the painful realization that even after all I’d said, it still might not be enough.
I might not be enough.
Montoya launched out of her seat in the corridor as I closed the door behind me. My eyes were wet with tears of fear as her gaze assessed me from head to toe. “How did it go?”
A shuddering breath rocked through my body as I tried to force the words from on my lips. “I-I don’t know.” My shoulders dropped as she stepped up to me and wrapped her arms around me in comfort. We must have looked ridiculous to passersby, but I didn’t care about anyone else at that moment, only the boy who owned my heart, the one I’d left in the other room. He would forever be its keeper, even if he didn’t want me.
Was it too much to ask for him to want me the same way I wanted him? Right now, I didn’t care about my job, the case, or the career I’d spent my adult life forging from the ground up. All the things I’d sacrificed for meant nothing to me now. All I wanted was him. Without River in my life, I didn’t think I could go on. The grief I’d felt when I lost my family didn’t hold a flame to the devastation that wanted to swallow me whole.
“Give him time, Jacob. You just dumped a hell of a lot on him when he should be resting and recovering.” I sighed and dropped my head until it rested on hers. The vanilla scent of her hair that once used to bring me comfort now left me feeling adrift.
“I know, but… I wanted him to know. No, I needed him to know that he’s not a job to me. He’s… he’s everything. And that might have come as a shock to him, but...” I licked my lips and extracted myself from her embrace. “We’ve had these moments where it’s felt like time stopped when he looked at me, and I swear I saw the same want mirrored in his eyes.”
“I don’t think you’re wrong,” she said softly, like you would when speaking to a sad child. “I saw it that morning in your kitchen when he all but pissed on you.” A smile tugged my lips at the memory, but it faded quickly. “He’s spent his whole life being treated like a commodity. It’ll probably take him a while before he can trust your words aren’t pretty lies. The lies we believe are the most dangerous, especially when the truth is so hard to hear.”
“Since when did you become so fucking wise?”
She smiled at me and tapped my nose. “Come on, let’s grab a coffee and get an update from the doctor. Then you can go back to him and take him home.”
I looked at her with indecision, my eyes darting between the door to his room and her. My feet had grown roots and refused to move. I was right where I should be, but not right where I needed to be.
With a huff, she crossed her arms over her chest, her sassy side roaring to life like a fire in her. “Fine. I’ll go get us three decent coffees. You speak to the doctor, then go sit with River. But don’t,” she pointed her finger at me, jabbing my sternum for extra emphasis, “push him for an answer to anything other than questions about how he ended up where he did and what happened. Even that might be too much for him right now.”
“Alright,” I ground out, but I didn’t miss the warning laced in her voice.
“Promise me, Benson.”
I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. “I promise.”
“Good.” With that, she spun on her heel and stalked away from me.
I found Dr. Morris at the busy nurses’ station, and as he explained the state River was in when he was brought in, it took everything in me not to punch my fist through the wall. The only good bit of news was that once River had eaten, I’d be able to take him home. Acting as his guardian, I completed all the relevant release paperwork he handed my way, so once he gave the all clear, we could get out of this place.
“He will be fine,” Dr. Morris said, pulling me from my memories. “He just needs to rest and take it easy. I’m sure you’re aware that his body is still recovering from years of abuse and neglect. I urge you to make him see a therapist. The physical symptoms will heal and scar, but the mental toll will live rent free and fester in his mind, until it pushes him to the brink.”
“I know.”
He shuffled on his feet and looked like he’d swallowed something sour before pinning me with a steely gaze. “I’m not saying he is, but…” I held my breath, not willing to hear the words that would come out of his mouth. “I don’t think he is coping, and his mutism is a sign that things may be far worse than you think. Tread carefully, officer.”
“Of course, I will,” I said, adding every ounce of authority I could to my voice as I passed him back the completed paperwork. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do to see him happy and healthy.” The doctor’s eyes widened at me as I left him with his mouth gaping and headed back to River’s room.
“Are you comfortable?” My voice was low and gentle as I pushed the door open and closed it softly behind me. His deep forest-green eyes glimmered in the dim light as he tracked every step I took until I was clutching the bottom of his bed.
A wan smile flickered at the corners of his lips, the swelling on his face stark even in the low light. “Mmmm.” River made a noise in the back of his throat, which I took as an agreement.
“I need to talk to you about what happened. Why you left and where you went.”
“I know.” It was lucky I’d picked up some words through lip reading, because he was barely audible to my ears.
“It shouldn’t take too long, but I need you to be honest, River. It doesn’t matter about my feelings. I just need to know what went through your head and why you did what you did, especially since you were in protective custody in my house.” By the time the last words left me, my control had snapped, and I was basically shouting at him. My frustration and unbridled fear boiled over so much that a young nurse stuck her head through the door and glared at me.
“I don’t care who you are.” She pointed at me. “But he needs to rest. Shouting at him won’t help. You might be an officer of the law, but I will have you removed from his room by security if you can’t operate in a professional manner.”
“I’m sorry.” I looked down at my feet and then at her. “Emotions are getting a little high in here.”
“You’re wrong. It’s your emotions that are getting the better of you, officer. And it’s not me you should apologize to, but my patient.”
River scoffed, and I turned my gaze back to him and smirked suitably chastised. “I apologize.” Then to the nurse, I said, “We’ll be fine. The doctor said he can go once he’s eaten. Can we get him some food?”
“We serve dinner at five p.m. He’ll get it then.” With that, she shut the door and a tenuous silence filled the room.
“Well, she was fun,” I said to break the ice, and flexed my fingers around the rail at his feet. “Is it alright if I sit and start again?” River dipped his chin and my heart skipped a beat. With a calming breath, I grabbed the chair and slid into it, momentarily forgetting what I should do as my eyes traced over every blooming bruise on his face and the way they decorated his neck and arms.
“T-tal…”
I nodded and pieced myself back together. I couldn’t afford to break in front of him. Not now. I had to find the strength to ask the hard questions and face the truth I’d rather run from. Childish? Maybe. But I’d never been in this position before; caring so deeply about someone who was involved in a case, enough for me to want to choose their happiness and health over the importance of my job. I was so screwed when it came to River, but in a way, it made me feel lighter. I had something to fight for now that was mine. He was mine. I’d make damn sure of it.
Bower’s voice rolled through my head. Only do this if you can keep your emotions out of it. He is a witness in this case, nothing more. Got it?
I rolled my eyes at my own naivety. From the very beginning, I knew my emotions were too entangled with everything that was River Lane. Yet, I’d foolishly convinced myself that I was professional enough to keep them neatly compartmentalized.
“Here.” I slipped my hand in my pocket and pulled out his phone, desperately wanting to scold him for leaving it behind and making himself untraceable. Maybe that was the point? I was almost certain he didn’t know it had a tracker, considering he’d never had a phone before. I’d buried it in an obscure folder that I highly doubted he’d even looked at. But he wasn’t an idiot, and probably knew his location could be triangulated through cell towers. Possibly?
River held out his hand and took it from me. His face paled as he flipped it over and turned it on. Guilt flashed deep in his eyes before they shuttered closed and his walls solidified before me.
“I thought it would be best if we did it this way,” I hedged. “I’ll ask the questions and you can type your response, okay?”
K
“I need you to be honest with me now, River. This is for your own safety and protection, but also for the case.”
He flinched at my words and fuck, how I wanted to kick myself in the ass for being a heartless dick. With trembling hands, I latched onto his arm. The feel of his skin beneath my fingertips was like a brand on my heart. River held himself still as I touched him, but the fear lingering in his pinched eyes made me feel like I was splintering at the seams. I was a mixed up cocktail of emotions, and I didn’t know which one was going to come out on top. Christ, I was giving myself whiplash, let alone him. Gently stroking my thumb across his arm, I took the time to order the chaotic thoughts in my head. Fear, desire, and the need for control were all warring inside me.
“I’m sorry, that came out wrong.” River blinked glassy eyes at me as he waited for me to continue on bated breath. “Everything I said before was true.” My eyes fluttered closed, and I focused on the sensation of my skin on his, trying to ignore the intrusive thoughts every time I touched a fresh scab. I’d never admit to having them, but oh, how I wanted to fuck up those who hurt him. My phone buzzed in front of me, drawing my attention.
Just ask me so we can go home.
My brain froze from shock as I read and reread his message. Home? I wanted to jump up and wrap my arms around him as waves of joy and humility washed over me. It was amazing the impact four little letters could have on my mood, but they made me feel like I was soaring above the earth.
A beatific grin spread across my face. I felt more settled and solid in my skin than I had in hours. Days, even. It wasn’t an outright declaration that he felt the same way as I did, but it was a beginning. It was a start that I would hold close to my heart and nurture every day until he saw in his reflection what I saw every damned day.
Time seemed to pass in a blur as he answered every question I threw his way. I couldn’t escape the feeling he wasn’t being completely honest again. What he said was plausible, and most would have accepted it without question. But like a monster looming over the hill, every word he typed was laced with regret. The way his emotions were displayed so openly on his face was everything I’d wanted for weeks, but now it felt like I’d threaded a noose around my neck.
Even though he didn’t say a word to me, I could hear every husky one in my mind, along with all the ones he left unspoken. He said he’d left because I’d hurt him and that rang true, but that wasn’t the only reason. My notebook was filled with details about what had happened to him, but it was what he said when I drew our conversation to an end that rocked me to my core.
There’s something I need to tell you.
“Okay. You know I’m here to listen. Always.”
He gave me a wan smile that somehow seemed to intensify his sombre mood.
Just don’t get angry with me.
“I won’t. I promise. Just please…” I ran my hand through my coarse hair for something to do. My fingers twitched with the need to haul him back into my arms and kiss him until he forgot every ounce of his pain.
She sent someone to collect me. To take me to her.
“As much as I don’t want to think about it, that makes sense. She knows she’s under the spotlight. It wouldn’t make sense for her to?—”
Please just stop and listen.
“I’m sorry.” I shrugged as a wave of trepidation rolled though me and coiled in my gut.
It was a cop.
“Are you serious?” My stomach dropped through my feet. I jumped up, sending my chair flying backward and started pacing. Out of everything he could have said, I wasn’t expecting that. “Do you know who it was?”
He nodded and cast his eyes back down to his phone .
Davis.
Shit, shit, fucking, shit. “I hate to ask this, but are you sure?” I waited with bated breath, praying for an answer a part of me knew would never come. River had no reason to lie to me.
Yes. He came to the house with that other guy who did the security system. I recognized his voice from before. I didn't know his name until you introduced us.
Tears carved a path down his beautifully destroyed face as he looked up at me through eyes that were filled with shadows and fear. I sat on the edge of the bed, took his phone from him, and wrapped my hands around his.
“I know that can’t have been easy for you to say.” He shook his head, making salty tears fly, stained with his pain and fear. I leaned into him so my lips brushed his ear. “Thank you for trusting me, angel.”
River sucked in a stuttering breath. “Y-you believe… me?” Wonder coated his voice that I was only able to hear thanks to my proximity. My heart bled through its cracks for all he’d suffered and his honest confusion that I wouldn’t question something he said. He’d been led to believe his voice was powerless. Inconsequential. But I would listen and hear him. I would believe him. Always.
There were layers to River, ones he tried to keep hidden. The more I thought about it, the more I knew he needed Joelle’s help. As much as I hated to admit it, River wasn’t just running from me; he was running from himself. Years of experience had taught me you couldn’t outrun the darkness inside your mind. It was relentless, waiting patiently for the smallest crack to slip through before it sunk its claws into you, leaving you unable to escape.
Right now, I was River’s only anchor, but I didn’t believe I was strong enough to keep him here on my own. I could protect his body, but his mind? That was beyond me. I hadn’t told him yet that I’d been back home, and seen the message he’d scrawled on the mirror like we used to when we were younger and shared hidden secrets. In a world where we had nothing, those secrets became everything.
I’d burst into his room, ready to tear into him, to lay my heart bare—and found his bed empty, half his clothes gone, and Shadow sulking in his crate in the kitchen. I’d checked the CCTV and, after finding no sign of him leaving, punched a hole clean through the drywall. Not my finest moment, but the thought of losing him, of not getting the chance to set things right between us, had left me untethered.
Montoya walked through the door, injecting some much-needed oxygen into the room. “Sorry it took so long, but when I got downstairs and smelled the burned crap they call coffee, I knew I couldn’t subject any of us to that. So, I went for a walk and found this adorable little place a couple of blocks away.”
“Amazing,” I grumbled and huffed a breath. “River’s brought something to my attention that we can’t ignore. I’m just not sure how Bower will take it.”
Montoya glanced between me and River, curiosity burning in her eyes. “What?”
“Davis is compromised. He’s involved with Dahlia.” I shook my head, disbelief warring with that feeling of rightness in my gut. “He was the one who took River to her.”
“Fuck! That doesn’t surprise me.” She shuddered. “He’s always given me a bad feeling, you know?”
“Yeah.” I sighed and rolled my head back on my shoulders, trying to work the tension out of the muscles. “I thought he was just a homophobic racist, but apparently, it goes far beyond that.”
“You’ll have to speak to Bower at the station. There’s no way he’ll believe you if he doesn't see the truth in your eyes.”
She hit the nail on the head. The old guard all came up from the academy together, and it’s going to take evidence, hard evidence, for Bower to believe us. “Now give it to me.” I reached out for my coffee with a trembling hand and turned to River. “I don’t know about you, but I could do with a drink.” With a slight dip of his chin and a soft smile on his lips, he agreed.
“Ah, before I hand it over, raise the poor boy up so he can actually drink it, Benson.”
Confusion washed over me before my brain kicked into gear, and I grabbed the control for the bed and raised River up. His breath punched out of him as it manipulated him into a sitting position. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as lines of pain carved their way onto his beautiful face. After a couple of deep breaths, he locked his emotions down and pulled a mask of indifference over his face. He tested out the range of motion in his right hand, slowly clenching and unclenching his fingers before gingerly reaching for the disposable cup Montoya held out for him.
“I added a dash of caramel creamer to it for you, too,” she said with a bright smile as River wrapped his hand around the cup. “Yours is just as bitter as you,” she snickered and handed me a cup.
The bitter taste of freshly ground coffee was a welcome distraction from the painful conversation I’d been trying to have with River. Every question was one step forward, three steps back with him, but I’d give him this small reprieve before I continued.
My phone lit up with a message before I could pick up where we’d left off.
I want to go home.
“We can as soon as you’ve eaten something.”
No. Now! I don’t like being here.
“I don’t like it either, angel,” I soothed, reaching for him. I laced my fingers through his. That simple contact settled a part of me I hadn’t realized was fracturing. It gave me hope we would come out of this on the other side.
I need my clothes.
“They probably trashed them, considering the state you were in.” My off-handed comment seemed to snap something in him, and he lurched forward, the cup slipping from his grasp. Luckily, Montoya caught it with her lightning-quick reflexes as I tried to hold him back from throwing himself off the bed. Color drained from his face, and his eyes became intensely focused on the bed.
“Oh, shit.” Montoya’s breathy gasp caught my attention, and I followed her line of sight to where River’s right leg was now exposed. An all-consuming rage boiled my blood, and a red haze settled over my vision.
The sight of River’s leg stole the air from my lungs as he scrambled to cover it and pushed me away. A sound like a wounded animal escaped his throat as his hand latched onto my face and pulled me so my eyes were on his. What I saw emanating from them was a sucker punch to my bleeding heart. His lips trembled as tears stained his bloodless cheeks.
“P-p…lease.” Fear and agony coated the single word. “D-don’t…l-leave…”
My breath whooshed out of my lungs like a collapsed dam. I scooped him up in my arms and buried my face in his neck, shaking with the force it took to hold my tears back. Images of his legs covered in stitches and bandages over still-oozing raw flesh flashed behind my closed eyes. Inhaling his sweet cinnamon and orange scent was a gift from the gods, one I’d never let go of.
“Never, River,” I breathed into his neck and peppered kisses on his fluttering pulse point. “Never.” I shook my head and sunk my hands into his wild hair, trying to imbed myself into him. “I’ll never leave y-you.” I hiccuped, fighting back a mournful cry trying to force its way up my throat.
“I’ll, uh, go speak to the doc and see if I can get his… ah, clothes and get us out of here.”
I didn’t hear Montoya go. My every thought and action was consumed by the broken boy convulsing in my arms. I held him tightly, hearing the frantic thud-thud-thud of his heart against my ear as a river of tears flowed from him, drowning me.