Chapter 17
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
DILLON
G entle fingers teased through my hair, sending waves of electricity across my skin as the world splintered around me. Everything narrowed down to the sensation as it worked from the front to the back of my head, just like Jamie used to do when we were younger. After a long day of school and a hard practice, we used to disappear to the creek out the back of his house and just sit there for hours. It was heaven and hell in equal measure, and they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe this is my penance, one last torturous glimpse at heaven before I fall.
“How did it go today?” Jamie asked softly as he sat down in the long grass at the bough of a tree and patted the ground next to him.
I looked into his pale blue eyes, the edges burning with molten steel, and released a heavy exhale. I plopped down next to him and shuffled in the dirt until my head lay across his thighs. “Coach was pissed.” I sighed as his fingers worked through my still damp hair. Stoke by stroke, his gentle touch soothed me, and made my muscles ache a little less as I stared up at the leaves dancing in the breeze.
“What did you do?” The accusation in Jamie’s sweet voice was unmistakable.
”What makes you think it was something I did?” I parried.
“Because if Coach was pissed at someone else, you would be laughing about it. Not stiff enough to shit diamonds.”
I choked on the spit that got lodged in my throat, making Jamie hum a chuckle. “Did you seriously just say that?” I grinned up at him as he trailed his finger down over my nose before working on the pressure points by my eyebrows.
“Sounds like it, doesn’t it?” He shrugged. “Besides, it made you laugh.”
“True. I can’t argue with that.” My eyes fluttered shut as my mind started to let go of all the pressure and responsibility that sat on my shoulders. “Jamie?”
“Yeah, Dil?”
“Thanks.”
He shifted underneath me, so I lifted my head, ready to sit up and take my weight off his thighs, but Jamie clucked his tongue at me and pushed down on my forehead before he continued running his fingers through my hair. The little hairs on my arm stood up on end as goosebumps spread across my body, and my skin came alive.
“Shhh, Dillon, I’ve got you. Come back to me. Lean on me, let me help you.” His voice never ceased to amaze me even if it was only in my head. Fuck. I wished he was really here, but I haven’t seen him since he threw me out of his room.
The last week has been excruciating. The walls have been closing in, suffocating me. The pressure on me has reached boiling point, every single one of my responsibilities weighing me down with chains made of lead. I wanted to reach out to him so many times. I needed to see his face. His smile. See for myself that he was fine as the guilt over what happened ate at me like a cancer, but I couldn’t. I’ve had eyes on me constantly.
Coach had been demanding, pushing the team harder and harder, but like a house of cards built on quicksand, the harder he pushed, the faster we fell. There’s a discord among the team that’s tearing us apart, with Chad being the instigator of the divide. I knew he hated me, but he loved to win and be the center of attention, so I don’t know why he’s driving us into a wall we won’t be able to come back from. After every failed practice, my dad called to berate me, belittle and demean me. He threatened to come to Briar U and show me how it was done. What he really meant was that he’ll beat some good ol’ fashioned sense into me. It wouldn’t be the first time. But he preferred to use words; his tongue was sharper than a blade, cutting me down like a machete. He’d sooner stab me in the back than watch his dream of me going pro fail. I was nothing to him but a stepping stone and dollar signs.
I couldn’t cope. I just wanted it all to stop. I’d tried to focus and trained so hard my muscles were as burned out as my mind. I couldn’t sleep, because my anxiety never let up. It was there pushing and pulsing like a living entity growing inside me. Even when I closed my eyes, all I could hear was Coach and my Dad shouting, taunting and maiming me with their disappointment.
My eyes were screwed shut so tightly that fireworks burst behind my closed lids like strobe lights. My breaths sawed in and out of my lungs, dragging a ball of shattered glass with each exhale.
“Dillon, I want you to focus on my voice.” Jamie’s soft, lilting voice was like a beam of sunlight in the darkness that was my mind. “I know you can hear me. I need you to breathe with me.” Something solid pushed against my sternum, and I wrapped my hand around it on instinct, clinging to it like a lifeline. “That’s it Dil, you’re doing so good.”
If only he was real. If only he was real. If only he was real. The chant ran through my mind, blocking the toxic thoughts as I focused on his voice. Even though I was delusional, he was here, helping me whether he was real or not. I’d take any moment in time he granted me, because I knew once he discovered the truth, he’d never look at me again. Like Icarus, I would willingly fly closer and closer to the sun just for one more chance to bask in its light.
“I’m going to help you get your breathing under control, okay? Just listen and do as I say.” My breath caught in my throat as it squeezed tighter. “Breathe in. One…two…three.” The vise around my throat got tighter as every second passed. “That’s great. Now breathe out. One… two… three… four. That’s great, Dil you’ve got this. Again.”
I don’t know how long I was lost in the darkness, listening to my hallucination of Jamie talking me through one of the most terrifying panic attacks I’d ever had. I wanted to claw at my throat as I fought to get air into my lungs, but his firm grip on my hand helped calm that destructive instinct. Sweat beaded on my brow and dripped down my temples. My shirt clung to my sweat-slicked back by the time I felt the rough bark bite into my skin. My legs were numb, my arms and hands locked up tight, my muscles stiff, cold, and aching. I couldn’t move, but Jamie’s presence remained constant, and he was the center of my focus. The eye of the storm. The one thing that pulled me back.
“That’s it, Dil. You’re doing so great for me.” His warm hand cupped my face, his thumb feathering over my damp cheek. I choked on a sob as my breath caught in my throat, the salty taste of my tears on my tongue. I wanted so badly for him to be real.
The ringing silence in my ears dissipated, and a cool breeze brushed over my skin. I slumped to the side, my body drained and exhausted. My head landed on something soft but firm. It smelled of musky caramel and made my mouth water. Even in this semi-lucid state, I still clung to my fantasy. I wished he was real.
A lilting chuckle tinkled through the air. “I’m here, Dillon. I’m as real as you are.” I felt the teasing scratch of nails against my scalp, and I shuddered, nuzzling into the softness that pillowed my head. A sharp intake of breath had my eyes snapping open. Blinded by the brightness, I blinked away the fog that obscured my vision, and slowly but surely, the world came back into focus.
“Little crow?” The delusional fever dream still clung to my mind like fractured cobwebs.
“I’m here, Dil.” A warm hand cupped my cheek and maneuvered my head until I was staring into the eyes that haunted my dreams and owned my heart. Ones I pretended to hate but worshiped from afar.
“H-how?”
“I was on my way to the lake to do…” He shook his head, and his curls bounced around his jaw line. “That’s not important.” I opened my mouth, but he placed his finger on my lips, silencing me. “I heard you cry out. I mean, I didn’t know it was you, but yeah. You get what I mean.” A smile curved my lips at his bleeding heart.
“I do,” I croaked, my throat itchy and dry. I rubbed at my neck with my hand, trying to alleviate the pressure.
“Oh.” He leaned over, unzipped his bag, and produced a bottle of water and handed it to me. I sat up slowly. The world wavered around me before I braced myself against the tree at my back and drank down the cool water as Jamie continued to explain how he found me. How he pulled me out of the grip of a panic attack and coaxed me into being able to breathe again. Fuck, he was too much. Too good for me. He was damn well perfect, and I was a toxic fuck up of epic proportions.
I brushed the back of my hand over my mouth, wiping away the water I’d spilled down my chin while Jamie laughed at me. “T-Thank you, Jamie. Really.” I reached out and laced my fingers through his, my thumb gently stroking over his. Fuck, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to show him how I felt without words, because I’d never be able to articulate this burning need inside me.
“Come.” Jamie popped up and pulled on my hand until he dragged me to my feet. I wobbled for a second, my knees threatening to buckle as wave after wave of exhaustion battered me. “I know you’re tired but I want to show you somewhere. It’s where I go when it all gets too much. I think you’ll like it. It...it reminds me of home.” He looked up at me expectantly, his eyes twinkling in the dappled light filtering through the trees.
“Home?” Our home hasn’t been the same for five years—not since he left and abandoned me. Wrath stirred in my gut, churning the contents of my stomach. I sucked in a deep breath and locked away the hate, allowing myself this moment with him, because only an idiot would believe we would get a happily ever after. I’d have to settle for a fleeting happiness for now. Live in the moment. I’d grab it with both fucking hands.
“Yes.” He bounced on the balls of his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder before leading me on a meandering path through the trees. His soft hand wrapped around mine, growing slicker the longer we walked, and his breathing grew shallower as a tantalizing pink blush stained his cheeks.
“Nervous?” I joked as he nibbled his plump bottom lip. Memories of how full and soft it felt against mine played through my mind as I blindly followed him farther into the woods. I’d never ventured this far before. I didn’t even know if we were still on campus grounds but right now I didn’t give a fuck. I was with the only person I could ever be myself with, and that had to count for something, right?
A coy smile lit up Jamie’s face as he looked at me over his shoulder. “Kinda,” he mumbled. “Not far now. I hope it helps you like it does me. There’s something kinda magical about it.”
A chuckle slipped past my lips, and he stuck his tongue out at me. “If it means something to you, I’m sure I’ll love it.” Like I love you.
“Ha! Alright, well, we’ll see. Close your eyes.”
“You’re joking, right?”
Jamie shook his head, a somber expression on his face. “I never joke about things that are important to me. You know that, Dil.” That I did. Whether or not it was a conscious choice, Jamie had built a wall around himself that was a mile high and an ocean deep. In all the years I’d known him, I’d been his only friend. You could have been more too . He was all things sunshine and light, perfectly polite and friendly to everyone he met, charming them with his smile and bewitching them with his beautiful eyes, but he never let anyone in. I’d never questioned it when I was younger, but now all I had were questions.
“Promise you won’t lead me into a hole?”
He shoved my shoulder. “Obviously not.”
I inhaled and my eyes fluttered closed. “I’m at your mercy now, so be kind.” The double entendre wasn’t lost on me, but Jamie just hummed and guided me along. The ground changed and sloped under my feet, but he never let me fall or stumble. He guided me around objects in my way and coaxed me to climb down a bank before helping me step up onto something solid. The air felt cooler and smelled fresher. Purer, somehow.
“That’s it. Now, sit down.” My head whipped in his direction, and I arched a questioning brow.
“Trust me, remember?” I nodded my assent and folded myself down on the solid surface. It was cold and rough under my hand as I used it to steady myself. Jamie huffed a breath at me. I could almost feel the warmth of the smile on his face and my lips quirked.
“Can I open them now?”
“Yes,” he whispered, his soft lips brushing against the shell of my ear. I let out a shuddering breath, not expecting him to have been that close to me. I could feel his body heat radiating off him even through the layers I wore.
I peeled my eyes open and allowed them to adjust to the glaring brightness. It took a couple of seconds for my brain to fully process what I was witnessing. My mouth opened and closed like a fish as I failed to find words for, well, everything.
My heart thundered in my chest. I felt closer to Jamie than I had in five years. Not just physically or geographically, but emotionally. One of our favorite places growing up was the creek behind his house, closely followed by the beach where we’d whiled away hours of our childhood during the long hot summers when we were left to our own devices.
Emotion clogged my throat, and tears pricked my eyes. I’d thought I was all cried out after my panic attack, but now a fresh wave was upon me. Jamie stared at me with those wild beguiling eyes of his, and something inside of me snapped. My hand cupped his smooth cheek before my fingers sunk into his hair and angled his head. “Thank you, little crow,” I breathed against his lips.
The tip of my tongue teased against the seam of his full lips, pleading for entry. He gasped and shuddered at the sensation, and his hands curled around the nape of my neck, pulling me closer. His lips parted, opening up for me, offering himself up for me to devour. I licked into his mouth and groaned as his tongue tangled with mine. Blood whooshed in my ears as I lost myself to the feel of his mouth against mine.
I swallowed down the soft whimpers that worked their way up Jamie’s throat as he laved his tongue against mine. His sweet caramel scent saturated my senses until we broke apart, gasping for breath. He had never looked more beautiful than he did right now, with his cheeks flushed a deep red and his lips swollen and slick from my saliva.
“Dil,” he breathed before pulling me back down to him. I lost myself in the molten intensity of his pale-blue eyes as wonder and lust flooded them. “Kiss me.” He didn’t have to ask me twice. I tightened my grip, tangling my fingers in his hair as my mouth smashed down against his. My tongue speared past his lips as I owned every inch of his tempting mouth.
“Fuck, baby.” I groaned as his tongue wrapped around mine. I kissed him until my lungs screamed and burned. I drank down every soft mewl and needy moan until black dots danced across my vision. “Jamie.” I sucked on his full bottom lip and rolled it between my teeth, pulling it back and releasing it with a pop.
“More,” he whined as I kissed a path across his jaw and up to his ear, sinking my teeth into his lobe. Jamie turned his head and arched his neck, baring his throat to me. His pulse thundered against his delicate skin as I ran my tongue from the base of his neck to the sensitive skin just below his ear and blew on his overheated skin until he shuddered.
I traced my nose along his neck, inhaling his sweet scent mixed with salty sweat. The combination was intoxicating and had me desperate for things I’d never done before. Things I’d only ever dreamed of doing with him but had never dared to hope for. I wanted to taste him, to kiss and own every inch of his skin. I needed to trace every freckle with the tip of my tongue. I guided Jamie down onto his back on the rock he’d guided me too mere minutes before and slipped his bag under his head.
Confusion flickered across his face, and fear coiled in his eyes. He braced his hands on my face, his thumbs stroking across my cheeks and down through the stubble that covered my jaw. “I love feeling your scruff against my face.” His cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red, and I licked my lips, tasting him on me and groaned.
“Jamie?” His pupil-blown eyes locked onto mine, his soft breaths panting against my lips. “Please, let me taste you. Just let me have this? You. Me. Let me hold on to it before you hate me?” I buried my face in the crook of his neck, peppering the delicate skin with biting kisses as I waited for him to answer.
Jamie tipped his head back, and my teeth scraped over his Adam’s apple, making a full-body shudder roll through him as I positioned myself between his spread legs. He gasped as my weight settled over him. The sensation of his hard length brushing against mine tore a moan from deep within my chest as I rolled my hips against him.
“I…” he croaked and licked his slick lips. “Y-yes.” His eyes practically glowed, illuminated by the setting sun as the sky turned from a marbled gray-blue to golden pinks.
“Really?” Hope lit me up from the inside as lust turned my blood to quicksilver.
“Yes.” One word that had the power to change the world and destroy cities. My cock throbbed in my shorts, the tip slick as precum pooled from my slit.
“Thank fuck,” I groaned as I pushed his hoodie up, exposing his little body. Corded muscles that looked like they were carved from marble glistened under sheen of sweat. I kissed down his chest and sucked a nipple into my mouth. The nub hardened under my touch, and I suckled on it until his head thrashed and moans spilled from his kiss-bruised lips. I chuckled and licked across his chest before sinking my teeth into the other one.
“Oh, god. Ahh.” Jamie groaned and threw his head back as his hips lifted, searching for some much needed friction. “More. Please,” he whimpered, and who was I to deny him? I kissed, licked, and sucked my way down his ribs, tracing each one with my tongue and making him shiver and writhe underneath me. I marked his skin as I sucked it into my mouth, making him arch his back and push himself closer to me. His fingers clutched at my hair, the damp strands sliding through them as he lost purchase.
“You smell so good, little crow,” I hummed, tracing his hard length with the tip of my nose. My mouth watered at the tempting scent of his arousal, the sweet and musky scent everything I’d ever wanted but never had. “Fuck. I can’t believe I get to do this with you.”
“Please,” he ground out, lifting his hips and thrusting his jeans-covered cock against my face. “Fuck.”
I chuckled against him and held him down with one hand braced on his hip as I licked across the sensitive skin above the elastic band of his boxers, pulling at it with my teeth. A devilish, guttural moan sawed out of Jamie’s parted lips as I flicked open the button on his jeans and pulled his zipper down, one tooth at a time, my fingertips ghosting over his length as I lowered it. I mouthed his cloth-covered shaft and lapped at the wet spot by his leaking tip.
“Shit. Fuck. Yes. Please,” he babbled, consumed by lust. Jamie lifted his hips, and I pulled his pants and boxers down in one go. He didn’t even flinch when his bare cheeks landed on the cold rock face.
“You’re fucking beautiful, baby,” I whispered with reverence. His cock was long and slender but absolutely perfect. I licked my lips as I took in his flushed glistening glans and his bare balls. They were drawn up tight, already hugging the base of his dick and I hadn’t even touched it. “Fuck. That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Please.”
“Anything for you.” I kissed up one thigh and then the other as my fingers trailed across the hint of abs on his flat stomach, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. Electricity crackled across my skin every time I touched him.
I buried my face in his groin, inhaling his scent. It was stronger here; musky and all man. All Jamie, and perfect. A sweet whine came from Jamie as he started to chant, “Please.” His glowing eyes watched me with an intensity that sucked the air out of my lungs. “I want you to keep your eyes on me, baby. Okay?”
“Yesss,” he hissed as I licked him from root to tip, teasing the underside with my tongue. I moaned against his shaft, the vibrations causing his dick to twitch against my swipes. A wicked smile split my face as I circled his crown before dipping my tongue into his slit.
“Fuck, yes.” I groaned as salty precum burst across my tongue. I wrapped my hand around his length, angling his pulsing cock just where I wanted before working up and down his length, giving it a slight twist on every alternate upstroke as I sucked one of his balls into my mouth.
“Holy fuck!!” His legs shook as I switched to the other tight ball and rolled it around in my mouth, covering it in saliva before releasing it and watching it drip down his crack. “I-I need…”
“I’ve got you, baby boy,” I assured him as I wrapped my lips around his head and suckled on his tip like he was my favorite flavor. Newsflash—he was.
“Ahh,” he moaned as I toyed with that sensitive spot just below the tip. “More. I need more. DILLON.”
“So demanding.” I chuckled and took his hard length into my mouth, sucking him all the way down until I triggered my gag reflex. My throat convulsed around him, and my eyes watered.
“YES.” Jamie moaned so loud, birds took flight from neighboring trees. Not that he noticed anything other than the way my lips stretched around his perfect length or the attention the tip of my tongue paid to his slit.
“I want you to come in my mouth, little crow.” He threw his head back and groaned. “You like it when I talk dirty to you, baby?” He nodded sweetly, biting his puffy lip as he consumed me with his eyes.
“I... I...”
He thickened in my mouth as I rolled his balls in my hand, and his salty taste grew stronger on my tongue, making me moan. His body tensed underneath me as he fought his oncoming orgasm. “Don’t fight it, little crow. I want you to come for me.” As if he’d been waiting for those very words, Jamie thrust his hips up, choking me on his cock as it hit the back of my throat. Tears spilled from my eyes at the intrusion, but I fucking loved the way he owned his pleasure.
“Yes. Yes. Yes. Yesss,” Jamie screamed, his hips stuttering as lashes of cum launched down my throat. “Oh god, oh god.” His thick length continued to pulse in my mouth, and I sucked until I’d swallowed down every last drop.
“I like knowing you’re inside me now.” I looked up at him as I licked his length clean. His glistening flushed face, blown-out pupils, and fucked out expression stole my breath. “One day, I’m going to eat my cum from your tight little hole.” Jamie’s answering whimper told me everything I needed to know. “Fuck, you’re perfect.”