Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
JAMIE
I was on cloud nine one minute, then free falling off a cliff the next. I was so goddamn confused I didn’t know which way was up. Who was the real Dillon? I’d had glimpses of the boy I’d known but that wasn’t him anymore. Well, not completely. He was more complex. There were layers to him now, pieces I didn’t know existed, and it worried me. Something was looming over every interaction we’d had, something that could change everything.
I’d been kissed with a passion that burned me inside out. I’d felt his mouth on parts of me no one else had ever touched. He’d made me feel wanted and precious, and then he changed on a hair trigger. I’d foolishly thought after that day by the lake we’d become more, but the next time our eyes locked across the quad, my heart was ripped out all over again. I’d waved at him, and he looked right through me with a sneer curling his lips before turning his back to me.
Those lips had become the star attraction of my dreams. I could remember the taste, texture, and feel of them. The lips that had kissed every inch of my body. Lips that had wrapped around my cock and sucked my soul out of it. I still wore his marks. A litany of bruises decorated my skin but they were fading every day, and selfishly, I wanted more. I liked that they were proof we had been together like that. It felt like he was slipping through my fingers like water.
He destroyed me.
He healed me.
He fucking confused me.
Mal had taken it upon himself to lecture me about valuing myself and respecting my boundaries. He thought someone had forced themself on me, pushed me to do things I didn’t want. He knew I was a virgin, that I’d only been kissed once. I felt so guilty hiding so much from him, but until I understood what was going on how could I talk to someone about it?
“Hey baby boo.” I looked up from my book as Ava plopped herself down on one of the armchairs opposite me. I’d discovered this little unused corner in the library hidden away behind the stacks, and it’d become somewhat of a refuge for me on the days that were too cold to go and sit out by the lake.
“Hey, Aves.” Her smile brightened as I looked at her. Something about her expression made me squirm in my chair. “Sooo,” she said, clapping her hands. “Tonight?”
“Yes?”
“You’re coming out with me and Mal.”
I chuckled. “Oh I am, am I?”
“Hell yes! It’s this month’s LGBTQ+ mixer that I’ve spent all week organizing. And since you missed the last one…”
I knew what she wasn’t saying. I was still so raw over the whole incident. The blood bomb had derailed the plans we’d made to attend the first mixer.
“What she means,” Mal added as he took a seat next to me and dumped his satchel on the coffee table, “is that it’s time you got out there and met some new people. Made some friends.”
Anxiety swirled inside me. “I’ve made new friends.” I gestured towards them. Mal smirked and Ava huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Listen up, angel.” Her voice took on a sharper edge. “You are the best and I love you.” I rolled my eyes as she took on her “mom” tone. “But college is about expanding your horizons, learning about yourself and finding your people.”
“And I’ve done that, haven’t I?”
“No.” Mal scrubbed his hand down his face. “You have, but who else do you talk to other than us?” His stare bored into me, and I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth. It’s not like I could tell them about Dillon. I shook my head. They wouldn’t understand.
“Exactly,” Ava said. I sucked in a breath, about to refute what she said, but she held a hand up. “And we don’t mean talking to people in class when you have to.” My shoulders slumped as Mal chuckled.
“That’s exactly what we mean, JJ.”
I took a deep calming breath, pinched my nose, and exhaled. “Alright. Okay.” It cost me more than I cared to admit to relent to their wishes. I wasn’t a social butterfly. I didn’t need a massive circle of friends. I was happy knowing a few people really well, then hundreds a little bit.
“Sweet. So now you’re in, angel, it’s time to go and get ready.”
I looked down at my rainbow high tops, skinny jeans and hoodie. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing.” Mal shook his head. “But?—”
“But we’ve seen you look at what some of the guys on campus wear.” I arched my brow, waiting for Ava to continue. She blew a raspberry and flicked her rainbow hair out of her face. “You look like you want to try more than skinny jeans, Tees, and hoodies.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
A cunning smile lit up her face. “Well then, my bestie boo.” She got up and held her hand out to me. “We’re going to pay a friend of mine a visit.” I looked at her extended hand, apprehension niggling in my chest. I rubbed over the tightness in my chest but didn’t move.
“Come on, JJ. Levi has some crazy mad skills. He’s doing fashion design and we’re certain he’ll have something that’s perfect for you.”
After grabbing a quick bite to eat, we arrived at Ava’s friend’s industrial-style apartment. Levi turned out to be an interesting person. He fluttered around like a sparkly pixie, with flawlessly applied makeup and glow-in-the-dark fluorescent pink hair. I was so envious, I couldn’t find words.
“You know, Jamie,” he mused, walking around me and giving me a thorough once over. “You could totally be a model. Your bone structure is exquisite, and your body is bangin’.” I felt light-headed with how quickly blood flooded my face. I felt as neon bright as his hair.
“Um.” I licked my suddenly dry lips. “I’m not sure…” I shrugged and slipped my hands in my pockets to stop from wringing them.
“Hey, there’s no pressure here, babe. Just saying. If you change your mind, I’d love you to model my new line for my next show.”
“Sounds fun!” Ava elbowed me. “I’m doing it too. We could walk together, right?”
“Sure, babe,” Levi agreed and Mal chuckled at the horrified look on my face.
“Only if you’re comfortable, JJ.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. His quiet support helped me relax as he rested his head on my shoulder. “So, are you happy to let pixie-boy dress you?”
“Heard that!”
“Yeah,” I breathed. “His work is amazing.”
“Knew it!” Ava squealed and ran off into the clothes rails. “Levi, I’m going hunting.” His chuckle rang out as Mal shook his head.
Levi was something else, but he was such a kind and considerate individual. He’d ordered Mal to go and find something for himself and led me over to his work station, which consisted of a white dressing table with the biggest Hollywood mirror I’d ever seen. The table top was covered with an expansive array of makeup that made my heart flutter and my fingers tingle with excitement. He took the time to ask me about what I liked and what I wanted to try. He talked me through the different materials he used to make his designs and showed me what he thought would look best on me. He felt like my very own fairy godmother. I’d never felt so seen and valued as I did the hour Levi devoted to me.
“There. Perfect.” He kissed my cheek and stepped back. “You were made for the runway, babe.”
I gasped at his blunt honesty and looked at myself in the mirror. “Thanks, Levi.” I got up and hugged him, luxuriating in the feel of the silky material as it glided over my skin.
“Are you ready to show your adoring fans?” He winked.
“Never.” I chuckled as he grabbed my hand and led me out to where Mal and Ava waited on his mismatched couches with a glass of sparkly bubbles in their hands. Mal’s wolf whistle nearly deafened me, and Ava gasped and looked like she was about to cry.
“Holy shit, angel. You look hot as hell.” She fanned herself and twirled her finger for me to spin around. “Show me the goods, bestie boo.”
I laughed at her infectious excitement and spun around. “What do you think?” I turned to look at Mal who sat, mouth agape, not saying anything. He rubbed his eyes, and a blinding smile lit up his face.
“I… just… wow, JJ. You’ve always been gorgeous in that kind of sweet boy next door, wallflower kind of way, but like this.” He huffed out a breath. “I’m going to need to beat guys off you with a baseball bat.”
“You’re funny.” I flushed and bit my lip.
“Seriously, babe. You’re a freaking knockout,” Levi said and handed me a glass of bubbles. The sweet and sour tang burst over my tongue as I took a sip, hoping it would calm the butterflies rioting in my stomach. “So, is there anyone special in your life? Maybe he’d like a photo of you?” My mind immediately went to Dillon, but we weren’t anything, were we? He blew hot and cold, and it was confusing as fuck.
I shook my head before downing the rest of my drink. “No,” I said in a small voice.
“Well, after tonight, you won’t be short of admirers, babe.” Levi hugged me before leaving to get himself ready, and I walked over to the full-length mirror placed against the far wall. Mal and Ava were debating something about the LGBTQ club, and didn’t notice the tears pooling in my eyes as my heart ached.
I stared at my reflection. I looked like me but different. Classier, more confident, a bit like Jamie 2.0. I was in a pair of tight leather pants that looked like they had been spray painted onto me—leaving nothing to the imagination—along with a sparkly thong underneath. But it was my top and makeup that made me feel out of this world. I’d spent so much of my time looking at confident gay guys and always wondered what it would be like to feel silk or lace against my skin, but I’d never had the confidence or opportunity to try. It was like Levi had plucked my dreams right out of my head.
I had a tightly fitted black fishnet crop top underneath the most amazing holographic mesh long-sleeved shirt that clung to me like a second skin. It shimmered between electric blue and the most vivid violet I’d ever seen. To complete my look, he gave me dark sultry eyes that shimmered in the same tones as my top. It made the dark gray ring around my iris stand out so much against the pale-blue, it looked like I was wearing contacts. He’d highlighted and contoured my cheeks so well, it was almost like I’d had plastic surgery. My bone structure looked amazing.
Mal’s head appeared over my shoulder with an indulgent smile on his face. “You ready?”
“I am now.” I grinned, feeling excited for the first time today.
“So, where is this event held?” I asked as we walked arm-in-arm across the quad. The evening temperature had dropped as night fell, but the low cloud cover seemed to be keeping the cooler temperatures at bay for a little while longer.
“In one of the main faculty function rooms,” Ava said. Our steps slowed as movement at the periphery of the quad caught our attention. A large group headed in our direction, consisting of the football team and the girls who seemed drawn to them like moths to a flame.
A leggy blond in a tight-fitting black pantsuit sauntered over to us and sneered. “Ugh, if it isn’t the pathetic rainbow parade. What are you freaks doing out at night?”
“Ignore her,” Mal ground out through gritted teeth.
“Come on, Elise, don’t waste your breath,” said a girl with long silky brunette hair. Two more crossed in front of us as the group disappeared into the shadows. But it was the group of guys wearing Briar U hoodies that made my heart beat faster than a hummingbird’s wings. The air felt electrified around me, and the hairs on my arms stood on end. My eyes instinctually searched for Dillon’s. I could feel the weight of them on me as we continued in the direction of the main building.
He cocked his head, and his eyes heated as they ran over every inch of me. It felt like a physical caress, and my body reacted to him on instinct. He licked his lips before jolting, as if he’d been struck by lightning. He froze mid-step when one of the guys he was with wrapped a hand around his arm and whispered in his ear. Time slowed down as I waited with bated breath to see what he was going to do. I wanted him to walk up to me and claim me with a kiss for everyone to see, but that was a dream. And dreams rarely came true. His gaze shuttered and all traces of burgeoning lust were wiped away. In the blink of an eye, Dillon changed. He hunched his shoulders, fisted his hands, and turned on his heel, storming back toward the dorms.
“Well, that was interesting.” Ava’s words cut through the growing tension as the rest of the footballers followed in Dillon’s wake. “But it’s time for drinks, my lovelies.”
“Wow, Aves, this is amazing,” I said as we stepped into the eloquently decorated room, noting the intimate seating areas and the food and drink stations. “I didn’t realize there would be so many…”
“That’s because you live under a rock, angel.” She smiled and squeezed my hand. “I’m going to go and grab us a drink,” she said over her shoulder. “Mingle.” She wiggled her eyebrows before melting into the crowd.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like I was floundering standing in the middle of a room full of people and completely isolated. Anxiety crawled across my skin, as if I was swarmed with ants. I sucked in a deep calming breath and moved into a quiet corner away from all the vibrant energy.
“I haven’t seen you here before,” a low voice rumbled behind me. My breath caught in my throat, and I spun around, coming face to face with a man with bright blue eyes and a charming smile.
“That’s because I’ve never been.” I ran my gaze over him as recognition hit me. “I know you!” I blurted.
He chuckled. “Not in the biblical sense I hope, because I’m sure I’d never forget someone like you.” Heat crept up my neck all the way to my ears. No one’s ever been so forward or obvious with me.
“No, no. Nothing like that.” I bit my lip and looked anywhere but at him. “You… you were there at move in day and told me what my dorm was.”
“Oh.” Shock rippled over his features before they settled into that charming smile. “I’m Taylor.”
“Jamie.” I shook his outstretched hand. The calluses on his palm made me think of Dillon, and my gut sank.
“Hey.” Taylor tucked his finger under my chin and lifted my head until he could see into my eyes. “I just want to…” He shook his head before looking at me again with a furrowed brow. “I know you’ve had a tough time recently, and I just wanted you to know I haven’t had any part in it. Whatever issues he has with you, he should resolve them himself.”
“Who’s he?”
“I think you know.” A smirk teased the corner of his mouth, his eyes imploring me to piece together a puzzle I had no frame of reference for. “I’ve seen how he looks at you when he thinks no one is looking. Whether it’s fear or something else, it’s eating away at him.” He shook his head. “I hope it gets sorted out before someone gets hurt.”
“I…” Taylor placed his finger over my lips to silence me and placed a kiss on my flushed cheek.
“He’s an idiot for not seeing what’s right in front of him. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, come find me.” And with that, he was gone, swallowed up by the ever expanding crowd filling the room. The pulsing beat of EDM music flowed through me as I tried to piece together everything Taylor said to me, but I kept coming up blank.
“What in the everloving…”
“Here you go, angel,” Ava said, handing me a red solo cup. I looked at it and arched my brow. “Campus rules. Anyway, what did Taylor want?”
“I don’t really know. He was rather cryptic about everything.”