Chapter 20
CHAPTER
TWENTY
JAMIE
“ H ey, JJ, could you grab my mail for me? I want to jump in the shower before we head out.” Mal’s muffled voice came through the closed en suite door, and a sigh slipped past my lips as I slumped against the wall.
“Sure thing.” I pulled myself together and rapped my knuckles on the door before swiping his mailbox key off his desk and headed downstairs. I’d never believed in curses but given everything that has happened over the last five years, I’m starting to think they’re real. I thought I was strong enough to withstand even the most violent storm, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to survive the rest of the year.
If it was just the students I had to deal with, maybe I would be okay, but it was the invasive photos that were unraveling my fraying nerves. It started off with four photos on my first week that were slipped under my door in an unmarked black envelope, but now they appeared almost every day. It was only a matter of time until Mal stumbled across one. I was amazed he hadn’t yet. I had a box buried at the bottom of my closet filled with them. In the last few days, they’d taken on a more sinister edge. Whoever sent them scratched out my eyes and mouth with a sharp tool that tore through the paper. The creep factor pushed my anxiety to the brink, and I constantly felt like I was looking over my shoulder.
How someone could hate me enough to slowly torture me into a mental breakdown was beyond me. I’d been tempted to go to the faculty about the photos, but after the blood bomb debacle, I worried I’d be laughed out of there and called an attention seeker. I’m not. All I wanted was the chance to live my life on my own terms, but that seemed like a pipe dream. However, the thought of going to Uncle Daire made me feel like a failure, like a scared little boy who was haunted by the atrocities of his abusive missing dad. I didn’t want to even entertain that rabbit hole. So instead, I stayed silent, bottled it up, and locked it away to face another day. I was the one people turned to when things got tough. I was the one who made people smile. They didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with my problems.
I was fine. Fine! I’d keep saying it until it was true. Fake it till you make it and all that.
The soft ding of the elevator pulled me from my musings and the bright morning light greeted me as I stepped out into the main lobby of the building. It was surprisingly busy for not quite ten a.m. on a Saturday. Unless you were into sports, most students stayed in bed till the afternoon. I found it amusing to watch people and try to work out what they were up to or where they were going. It was clear to see who was doing the shuffle of shame. They staggered around in last night’s rumpled clothes, and someone was even missing a shoe. A shoe?! A few of the girls still had the remnants of their makeup on and resembled someone from The Rocky Horror Picture Show . The men, however, seemed to have taken on a ridiculous swagger.
I tried not to laugh—but failed miserably—as one guy stumbled right into the closed elevator doors. I buried my face in my phone and hurried over to the wall filled with boxes where our mail was stored. It always reminded me of a mausoleum with its many rows of locked metal doors. I searched for Mal’s name and opened his first, pulling out a number of envelopes wedged between a stack of junk mail. I tossed the leaflets into the nearby trash can before slipping the envelopes into my bag.
The key got jammed in mine and took a while to get it to open, but it eventually gave way. I hadn’t looked in mine since I’d started because I knew Aunt Clara hadn’t sent anything. But curiosity got the better of me today, and it was the perfect way to waste time while Mal used up the hot water for the whole floor. As expected, it was full of crap too, which I dumped in the trash. But when I went to close it, something hidden in the back corner caught my eye. I reached in and pulled out a small black box.
Bile burned the back of my throat, and a buzzing filled my ears. My hands shook so hard the box slipped through my fingers and landed on the floor with an ominous thud. My legs felt like jelly, and my knees buckled as I stumbled backward, crashing into the stair rail. I gripped on to it and used it to lower myself onto the bottom step. “What. The. Hell. ” I braced my elbows on my knees and sunk my fingers into my hair as I flushed hot and cold. Perspiration beaded on my brow and trickled down my spine. My breaths sawed in and out of my lungs, fueled by my erratic heartbeat as I tried to ground myself, but I knew there was nothing I could do to stop the oncoming panic attack.
“Here, take this,” a quiet voice said as a brown paper bag appeared in front of me. I grabbed it with shaky hands and held it over my mouth. I flinched when a cool hand landed on my back. “That’s it, just breathe in and out. In and out.”
I tried as hard as I could, but my breaths stuttered and caught in my throat, making breathing impossible. It felt like razor-tipped vines were coiling around my legs, and the walls were closing in.
“Hey. Hey, look at me.” The soft voice got sharper, more commanding, but I was trapped and couldn’t move. Cold fingers pushed my chin up until I was blindly staring at a shadow. “That’s it, Jamie, look at me. Focus on me. I’ve got you. Now, I want you to listen carefully. Don’t think about anything else, just do as I say.”
I latched onto the authoritative voice and made it the sole focus of my narrow world. It took time, but I was able to take control of my body, and my breathing slowed down enough for me to fill my lungs. The pressure surrounding my throat ceased, and even though it was still raw and every breath burned, I came back to myself.
“There you go. How are you feeling?” I shook my head to clear the spots from my hazy vision and gasped when I saw who was crouched down in front of me.
“C-Cory?”
His smile lit up his face brighter than his fiery hair. “Surprised it’s me?” He chuckled and shifted to sit on the stairs, his back to the wall facing me. Cory pulled his left knee up to his chest and braced his arm across it. I was worried I’d see judgment in his eyes, but I saw nothing but compassion.
“Yes…no…maybe?” I licked my dry lips and brushed back the hair stuck to my face with a trembling hand. “I guess… I’m just surprised, really.” I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable, but the soft smile on his face quieted any lingering anxiety. “Why are you here? This isn’t your dorm.”
“No, it’s not.” He sighed and rubbed a nervous hand down his thigh, refusing to look at me as a soft flush worked up his neck. “Full disclosure?”
“Always.”
“I came here to see you.” My shock must have shown on my face, because he laughed and shook his head. “Honestly. I hadn’t received a text from you, so I came to see if you wanted to go for that coffee.” Hopefulness laced his words, and my knee-jerk reaction was to say yes, because I hated to let people down. But as the word formed on my lips, Dillon’s face flashed in my mind.
I still didn’t understand what was going on between us. I knew he liked me, maybe not as much as I liked him, but there was definitely something ‘more’ between us. But no matter how close we got physically, it felt like he was holding a part of himself back.
“Um—”
“Oh god.” Cory ducked his head. “You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?”
“Well, it’s complicated.”
“Always is, isn’t it?” He said quietly and tipped his head back against the wall. “Fuck it. I’m gonna shoot my shot.” I smiled at his words. “I’m not complicated, Jamie. I really like you?—”
“You met me for like two minutes.” I chuckled.
“True. But I’m good at reading people and you’re a nice guy and hot as fuck, with the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen. So, what do you say? Wanna get a drink with me sometime?”
My face was literally melting from my blush. I was flattered and all, but I’d only ever had eyes for one person. To me, no one would ever compare to Dillon. Even if I didn’t know where I stood with him, I could never entertain being with anyone else, let alone leading that person on. I sighed. “I’m honored.” Cory cringed. “But I don’t think that is for the best. We could be fr?—”
“Oh my god, you’re going to friend zone me.” He clutched at his heart as if he’d been shot. “That’s cruel, Jamie,” he joked and rubbed his eyes. The glassy sheen in them made my breath hitch. I felt like shit upsetting people, but this was for the best.
“Sorry.” I reached out and grabbed his arm. Cory looked at me from under his lashes. “But thank you for being here and helping me through that.”
“No problem. Are you good now?”
“Yup.”
Cory looked at his watch and pushed up off the stairs. “Well, I’d better be going. See you, Jamie.” He winked and walked away with his shoulders hunched up by his ears.
I sighed as I pulled myself up, a wave of exhaustion washing through me as I wobbled on my feet. I glanced around the lobby and found it empty and prayed no one saw my epic meltdown. “Fat chance of that.” I scoffed and brushed that thought aside and picked up the offending item. The box was small and unassuming, but I knew it was from whomever had been leaving the envelopes under my door. Taking a deep breath, I opened the box slowly in case it decided to explode all over me too. Thankfully, it didn’t.
Nestled inside the black silk lining was a small clear USB stick. Nothing else, not even a note. Everything about it made me sick. My phone vibrated in my pocket, so I shoved the box to the bottom of my bag and ignored it. That was a problem for future me. I pulled my phone out and gasped when I realized it was nearly eleven. Mal was probably wondering where I was. The message icon blinked at me so I clicked on it and pulled up our thread.
Mal
I’m done, where are you?
Mal
JJ seriously, where are you?
Mal
Goddammit, Jamie. I’m coming to find you! Don’t move!!!!!!
I’m in the lobby.
Just as I sent the message, the elevator dinged, and Mal strode out with a frantic look on his face. His eyes darted in every direction until they landed on me. I swallowed as his features flushed with what looked like anger.
“What the hell?” He walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me. I melted into his embrace, needing his strength. Mal must have felt something, because when he drew back, he rested his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. “Are you okay, JJ?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Well, I am now you’re here.” That got a smirk out of him, and he stepped back and bowed.
“At your service, m’lord.” He snickered before casting a cautious eye over me. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look a bit flushed.”
“Yeah, I’m good. A bit…” I struggled to find the right words, so I went with a few. “Shocked and confused, really.”
Mal cocked his head and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, steering us in the direction of the doors to the parking lot. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I told Mal all about Corey as we made our way to his car and headed to the mall. Mal wanted to get some new clothes because he was tired of his current wardrobe, and the changing seasons were the perfect excuse to update it. Last night, we’d both gone through everything we had and bagged up any clothing that was suitable for donation.
It was nice to get off campus for a few hours, and I was looking forward to spending some quality time with Mal. Things had been so hectic recently, that we’d only seen each other in passing, and it kinda sucked. He was my best friend—along with Ava—but sometimes she was just too much for me, and I needed Mal’s calming energy to balance me.
Once we’d dropped off the bags at the thrift store, Mal dragged me to his favorite stores, and we spent hours trying on anything and everything that caught our eye. I got a few shirts that Mal told me I had to get, or he’d buy them for me. The sales assistant chuckled at our antics while she rang up our purchases before Mal dragged me off to a lingerie store that blew my mind. I was like a kid in a candy shop. There were so many items I fell in love with, but I somehow managed to wrangle myself under control and only got a couple pairs of lace and silk briefs, and a matching crop top and jock set that made me feel exquisite. I secretly hoped I’d be able to wear them for Dillon, but only time would tell.
“Ugh. I’m all shopped out,” Mal whined, bags dragging on the floor.
A laugh burst out of me, and Mal narrowed his eyes before sticking his tongue out at me. “How about we get some lunch?” That was how we found ourselves sitting at a booth in a vintage 80s mom-and-pop diner a short while later. Wendy, our server, came and took our orders and brought out our milkshakes. They were absolutely divine; thick, creamy, and full of flavor. I drank mine so fast I ended up with brain freeze, much to Mal’s amusement. But I was skilled at ignoring his ribbing.
While we drank, I flicked through my messages with Aunt Clara but focused on her update on Jessie and Zack. I snapped a couple of photos of where we’d gone for lunch and promised to call my little sunbeam when we got back to campus.
Eventually, Mal asked the question that had been on his mind all day. He might have thought I hadn’t noticed, but I’d caught him staring at me with a puzzled look on his face all day. He’d go to say something, then shake his head and walk away.
“Jamie?”
I smirked. “Finally worked out what you want to ask?”
He snickered. “You got that, did you?”
“Bit hard not to when you kept looking out like a fish out of water.”
Mal burst out laughing, spraying his mouthful of milkshake all over the table and me. “Oh my god. I’m sorry, JJ.”
“I’ll let you off if lunch is on you,” I joked.
“Of course, don’t be silly. That was…”
I rolled my eyes and looked at him. “That was a joke.”
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “But, regardless lunch is on me because?—”
“There’s something you want to know.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. Mal tipped his drink toward me and nodded. I sighed and sat back against the bench seat. “Alright, shoot.”
“What’s the deal with you and Dillon Hargraves?”
I choked on the mouthful of mint chocolate chip shake, my eyes watering as I tried to swallow. Mal had to get up and smack me on the back as I hacked up my drink all over the table. “Straight to the point there,” I croaked and dabbed a napkin at my watering eyes.
“No point not to be.”
“I guess.” I glanced at my watch, refusing to look at my best friend. The weight of his unrelenting gaze pressed down on me. He had me cornered. I had no choice but to be subjected to his interrogation. “How long do we have?”
“As long as you need, JJ.” I tipped my head back, closed my eyes, and drummed my fingers as tension coiled inside me. “Look, I’m not pressuring you to tell me,” he said softly. “If you want to keep it to yourself, that’s your right. But I’m your friend, aren’t I?”
“Obviously! You know this.” My words came out more forcefully than I’d intended them to. I was frustrated, confused, and so goddamn lost when it came to Dillon. I loved him. Always had. But that wasn’t the issue. He blew hot and cold. When we were alone, he was more like the boy I used to know. But when we saw each other around campus, he was the arrogant, hateful, quarterback king who looked at me like I was nothing. It hurt, more than I cared to admit.
I was fucking everything up. Me and Dillon. Me and my friends. I was unintentionally keeping everyone at arm’s length while drowning in fear and anxiety. I know I should tell Mal everything, but if the worst was to happen and my dad materialized, I didn’t want him to get caught in the crossfire.
I was lost. It was like I was trying to climb up a glass wall and every time I made it a couple of feet closer to the top, I’d slide back down with all the broken pieces of my soul.
Mal gave a terse smile while twirling his straw around in his shake. “I do, but I also know there’s a lot of stuff you don’t tell me.” I eyed him with suspicion. “And if it’s ‘cause you don’t think you can trust me, that hurts. I’m not gonna lie.” I winced at his pained tone. “I’m a vault, JJ. You’re always there for me and Ava, so let us be there for you. Let me be here for you. Right here and now.”
He was offering me an olive branch, but was I brave enough to take it? “I do trust you, Mal.” I placed my hand over his where it rested on the table top and gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’s… it’s just complicated…”
“I’m good with complicated, you’ll see.” He shot me a winning smile. “Go on, talk.” He squeezed my hand back. I took a deep fortifying breath and steeled myself, choosing to be brave and open myself up. I told Mal our history from the day I met Dillon until today and everything else in between—minus a detailed description of the times when it had all turned to sex.
“I got a text from him asking me to meet him at the party house for his birthday next week,” I said as Mal stared at me with wide eyes. The look of utter shock on his face had me belting out another laugh. They say laughter was good for the soul, right? Well, being with Mal was better.
“Wow!” Mal called Wendy over and asked for something stronger to drink. He’d spent the last twenty minutes white-knuckling his shake glass. “Well, shit.”
“Yeah,” I breathed. It was nice having some of the weight lifted off my shoulders, but the confusion I felt only intensified.
“Here you go, hon,” Wendy said, placing Mal’s beer on the table. “And I got you this.” I looked up at her as she placed another shake in front of me. “You looked like you needed it.”
“Thanks.” My shoulders slumped as I pulled the glass closer to me. A hand landing on my shoulder made me jump.
“It’ll all work out in the end, sweetie. The best things in life are those you fight for.” I titled my head, and she smiled. “The question is, are they worth it?”
“At the moment, I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“Then uncomplicate it.”
“It’s not?—”
She cut me off. “At the end of the day, it is. Either you like them enough to try, or it’s too much trouble, and you walk away. Simple, really.” Giving my shoulder one last squeeze, she left and said she’d be back shortly with our food.
“I mean, she’s not wrong,” Mal added.
I let out a long breath. “I know. I do. But I don’t know what I want. In an ideal world?—”
“Jamie, there is no such thing as an ideal world. The world, your life, is what you make it. Do you want to be with Dillon? Ignore all the issues you think you have. It’s a simple question. Do you want to be with him?”
“Yes!” I unequivocally wanted to be with him. He was the sun, the moon, and all the stars in the sky. My world began and ended with him. Always had. Always would. That wasn’t the issue I had—it was whether or not he wanted me.
“I can see the cogs turning in your brain, JJ.”
“Ha, you could say.”
“You said he invited you to his party?”
“Yup.”
“Go.” My eyes bugged out of my head as I stared at him. “Go and ask him. Get the answer to all the questions going around in your head.”
“Alright, but only if you come with me.”
“Deal!”