Chapter 31
CHAPTER
THIRTY-ONE
JAMIE
December 12th
“ Y ou can’t keep going on like this, JJ. You need to talk to us. We want to help you, but we can’t if you won’t tell us what happened.” Mal’s pained tone was like sandpaper over my skin. It hurt, but I knew I’d hurt him more. I’d shut down completely after running away from Dillon with my bleeding broken heart dragging behind me. Instead of answering, I grunted, rolled over, and buried myself under my covers.
“Angel, you need to eat,” Ava said softly as I curled around myself, hugging the hoodie I’d stolen from Dillon. Food, drink, and life held no meaning anymore. What was the point of living if the one person who you loved—gave your heart, body and soul to—could treat you like that so easily? Like I meant nothing to him after telling me he loved me.
I couldn’t breathe anymore, every inhale was more painful than the last. Each beat of my broken heart was too much to bear. I was alone.
I’d been dodging calls from Aunt Clara, Uncle Daire, and even my little sunbeam. I didn’t want them to see me like this—my gaunt face deadly pale, dark bruises under my eyes, my hair a limp and matted mess. It took all my energy to go to class and not pass out.
“You’re a shell of who you were, sweetie.” Ava sighed as she sat on my bed and pulled back the blankets covering my face. “It hurts to see you like this and not be able to help you,” she added and wiped away the tears trickling down her face. I’d shut my emotions off the second I’d walked through my door that day, but now they hit me with the force of a Category 5 hurricane.
A whimper ripped its way out of me as tears stung my eyes. I pushed myself up, pulled Dillon’s hoodie on, and lifted the hood to cover my face as the tears started to fall. “It was him. Everything…w-was…b-because of him.” I pulled my knees up and hugged them to me and tipped my head back against the headboard as I exhaled a pained breath. “I thought…he s-said that… he loved…I loved him.”
The bed dipped on both sides of me. My tears turned into a raging torrent as my heart broke all over again. Small arms wrapped around my back, while larger ones—Mal’s—wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into him. My sobs turned to gut-wrenching cries as I let out everything I’d tried to bury that had been eating away at me for the last six weeks. The memories that haunted me when I closed my eyes. I don’t know how long they held me in a cocoon of their arms, but I was grateful they did.
After what seemed like hours, my cries abated. My aching eyes pulsed and my throat was sore. Their faces were wet with tears of their own and made me feel like the worst friend in the world. Ava pushed the hood off my head and combed her fingers through the tangled mess. “Will you tell us what happened, Jamie?” I gasped as a fresh wave of pain pummeled me and licked my salty lips.
“Yes,” I rasped. “But, can I have a shower first? I’m sure you think I stink.”
“There’s no think about it, JJ. You reek,” Mal said with a chuckle. “Are you hungry? We can order something while you shower and get some clean clothes on.”
“And we’ll change your bed too,” Ava said softly. “Then we will help you anyway we can, okay?”
My gaze ping-ponged between their earnest eyes. I tried my best to smile for them, but it came out more like a grimace. “I don’t want to be a burden,” I whispered.
“You’re not, JJ. We’re your friends, and you’re hurting.”
“And we help pick up our friends when they’re down, right Mal?”
He nodded. “Exactly. Now off you go, and we’ll get this mess cleaned up and maybe open a window too.” He pinched his nose with his fingers, and I stuck my tongue out at him, making him laugh. The first proper one I’d heard in weeks.
“Get moving, stinker!” Ava shooed me from my bed before heading over to my closet to get some sweatpants and a sparkly tee that Mal and I got when we went shopping. God, that seemed like years ago now.
“How does pizza sound?” Mal said, eyes trained on me as I shuffled to the bathroom.
“Sure. Pepperoni supreme and garlic breadsticks with ranch on the side?”
“As if we’d forget your favorite, angel.”
“Thanks.” My lips curled up as I stepped into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I already felt drained physically and emotionally. I didn’t know how I’d get through explaining to them everything that had happened—there was so much I’d kept from them. What would they think of me? Telling them about my dad and Uncle Daire was one thing; they at least had some distance from that. But they barely knew anything about me and Dillon, except that I had a crush on him and we’d spent the night together on his birthday.
Hot water pummeled my shoulders, working out the knots and washing the stink off my skin. I closed my eyes and braced against the cool tiled wall, letting the steam work its magic and help clear my blocked nose. By the time I’d cleaned up, dried off, and was getting dressed, Ava knocked on the door to tell me our pizza had arrived and to hurry my tushy up before she ate mine. My stomach revolted at the idea of food, but I’d force some down if it made them happy. I’d done enough to hurt them recently.
“Wow! Who do we have here then?” Mal said around the slice in his mouth as I walked out the bathroom in a cloud of steam. “You look like someone we haven’t seen in a while.”
I stuck my tongue out at him and crawled back onto my bed between them. “Mmm, this smells amazing.” And to my surprise, my stomach growled, making Ava snicker and choke on her soda.
“Jesus. Warn a girl before you let that monster out.” A beat of silence followed before we all burst out laughing. Pizza and drinks passed in the blink of an eye, and it kinda felt like old times, almost like the last couple of months hadn’t happened. But I could feel it blanketing the room, no matter how much my best friends did to lighten the mood. I knew they were concerned about me. It was written alI over their faces and in their not-so-subtle side glances. I was waiting for Mal to start pushing seeing a therapist again; it was only a matter of time.
I knew it was because he cared, but it made me feel inadequate, like a burden. Someone who couldn’t look after themselves.They once saw me as a ray of sunshine, but now I was hidden behind the storm clouds. I was homesick. Not for a place, but for the person I’m not sure exists anymore.
“Now,” Ava said as she dusted her hands off and stacked the empty boxes on the trash can. “We want the truth, angel. What’s going on?” Always cutting straight to the root of the problem, she had a knack for getting to the heart of the issue without making you feel like crap.
“I’d really rather not,” I muttered, playing with one of my curls and refusing to meet her eyes that I could feel boring in to me.
“Well, tough shit, sweet cheeks. This is a friendervention.”
“I think you mean interfriendsion, Ava?” Mal said.
“Nope! No, no, no. It’s an intervention.” Ava threw her hands up in the air, then snapped her fingers at me. “Whatever! You’re talking. Now.”
I looked at Mal for support, but he just smiled with resignation, a total contrast to Ava’s take no shit attitude. I was really doing this. They left me no other option, and I didn’t want to keep hurting them with my silence. They didn’t deserve to be treated this way, so I hastily stitched half my broken pieces together and faced it head on.
“It was him.” Just saying the words was a blow I didn’t know I could survive, but I needed to allow myself to feel it to remind me why I couldn’t just ignore what he’d done. “Everything that’s been done to me since the opening party, why I’ve been targeted by students, and… and…”
“I thought things were like, you know, good?” She shrugged.
“Me too, Aves.” I yanked on my curls as frustration washed over me. I can’t believe I’d been naive enough to think things would pick up between us where they left off five years ago. That we’d still be the same people, and that he’d still be the boy I loved. But time was a cruel mistress. It had morphed him into someone I didn’t recognize, yet was callous enough to fill my mind with memories of fleeting glances, lingering touches, and stolen moments.
“So, the blood box?”
“Yup.”
“Shit. What else?” She looked between me and Mal. “Judging by the guilty looks on your faces, that’s not everything, is it?”
“No.” I shook my head, and my shoulders slumped. “The fire alarm in the mathematics building?—”
Ava gasped. “Wait, what? What happened then?”
“Well, I was, umm…”
Mal cleared his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing thickly in this throat. “Velecote held him back. When everyone else left, JJ kind of got kidnapped and locked in the janitor’s closet with a bag over his head and…” Mal stared at his hands. He’d been furious when I told him what happened. But what didn’t make sense was the horrified look on Dillon’s face when he rescued me and carried me back here.
“What in the everloving… AHH!” Ava sprung up off the bed and started pacing with her fists clenched. She was practically vibrating with anger. “I’m going to the dean! Fuck this!” She stopped at the end of my bed, tears glistening in her eyes. My heart ached at how angry she was for me. “What else?”
“That’s it?” I squeaked. They both pinned me with a glower that had me wanting to crawl back under my covers and hide.
“JJ, we know there’s more.” The implication of his words wasn’t lost on me. They knew me well enough to know when I was being evasive. I was doing it to protect them as much as shield myself.
“Fine, fine.” I held up my hands. “There might have been an image of me getting railed by two really hot guys displayed in the middle of a calculus presentation. Then on Halloween, I got chased by guys in glowing masks across campus and hid in the groundskeepers’ building until Dil came and rescued me. Then-he-took-my-virginty-and-told-me-he-loved-me,” I sucked in a desperate gasp, “and-admitted-he-was-the-one-to-blame-for-it-all.”
“Holy shit!”
“Angel, what the hell? Oh my god. That is insane!” Ava threw herself at me, and Mal pulled us both into a massive doggy pile hug.
“Ouch! Aves, get your elbow off my nuts,” I said, lost among their limbs, crying and laughing. It was cathartic, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A secret shared was a burden halved, but it still messed with my mind so much.
“Oh, sorry.” She snickered, rolled off me, and sat opposite me with her legs crossed.
“I love him and hate him at the same time. It’s confusing and draining.” I sniffled. “H-he told me he loved me, b-but he was the reason all of that happened. How could he expect me to be okay with it all? It hurt me— he hurt me—terrified me. He embarrassed me in front of the whole damn college, and it was like he thought saying ‘I love you’ would make me forgive and forget. I mean, I do love him, and have done since before I knew what loving someone felt like, but this?” I shook my head. “I don’t think I can just put it behind me.” I deflated and curled into Mal’s side. He pulled me closer and placed a kiss on the top of my wild curls.
“What do you want?” The low tone of Mal’s voice sent a shiver through me.
“I don’t know.” I wanted everything and nothing. To go back five years and never leave. To have never met him. But that thought was like digging my own grave. I didn’t want to live in a world where he didn’t exist, but I didn’t know if I could exist in one with him.
Ava’s hand coasted down my arm until she entwined our fingers and gave them a reassuring squeeze. “It’s hard when the people we love hurt us.” Her voice resonated with pain. “Even if they didn’t mean to do it. But you’re special, Jamie.” She smiled at me in a way that made my heart feel too big to fit inside me. “You’re like a wildflower; beautiful and delicate, yet resilient. You flourish no matter what the odds, and nothing can dim your shine. Don’t let this beat you. Come back fighting.”
I was gobsmacked as I stared at my friend. That was probably one of the deepest things I’d ever heard her say. It was beautiful, heartfelt, and resonated with my soul. I didn’t know what to do about Dillon. The wound was deep and bloody, and I’m not sure I had the stomach to look at it yet. Maybe in time I’d be able to, but for now, I’d let myself bleed out. Anything to numb myself.
Love is nothing like I’d expected it to be. It’s a constant battle, a war that leaves scars behind, ones that don’t always heal. It’s a war you choose to fight every day. It’s about growing up and admitting when enough is enough. The hardest part about walking away from him was that he didn’t follow me. He hasn’t fought for me. Not once in six weeks.
We spent the rest of the day curled up under my covers, while Mal selected shitty rom-com movie after shitty rom-com movie for us to watch. It was nice to do nothing but not be alone. I was like an explorer who’d come home after years in the Arctic. I slowly felt like I was coming back to myself. I had the best friends, and with them holding me up, I could get through this. I just had to push the guilt aside that keep chipping away at the happiness I clung to by my fingertips. Those photos and that damn USB stick whispered my name every time I closed my eyes, but I shoved in my ear plugs and ignored them.
“Oh, oh, oh, I have a great idea.” Ava bounced across the room to her bag. Mal and I looked at each other with mirroring expressions of confusion. She heaved a dramatic sigh and placed her hand on her hip. “You’ve heard of the revenge body, right?”
“Yup.”
“Yes,” Mal and I said at the same time.
“Well, we’re going to do a revenge makeover, and then we’re going to make you a star, Jamie.” She squealed and started talking to someone on her phone at a million miles an hour.
“Not sure I like this, Mal,” I whispered.
He chuckled, and his face lit up. “You’re aboard the Ava express now, JJ, with no stops until the end of the line. So you better buckle up and enjoy the ride.”
“Well, shit.”
“Oh, Ava, I’m so glad you called. This is just perfect. I was actually looking…” Levi’s voice died as he turned into our room and saw me and Mal curled up on my bed. He came rushing over, his hands frantically waving in the air. “Oh, babe. What’s happened?” He sat on the bed by my feet, pulled my hand into his, and started petting me.
“Levi,” Ava snapped. “He’s not a dog. Stop petting him.” He grinned like a deranged pixie before turning to blow her a kiss but didn’t stop.
“Boy trouble,” Mal said, giving me a tight squeeze before releasing me so I could sit up properly.
“Ah, they’re all assholes. Don’t worry, babe, Ava and I have a plan.” Levi smirked. “He’ll be down on his knees begging for forgiveness when I’m done with you.”
“Oh god.” I hid my face in my hands. “Do I even want to know?”
“Babe, we are going to revenge make-you-over. I’m going to help you become your most fabulous self. I have an idea of what you like from when you were at my house, and with a body and bone structure like yours.” Levi made a chef’s kiss motion and started talking at a million miles an hour. I couldn’t do anything but smile. He was like a spark of infectious energy.
“Thank you,” I murmured, my cheeks blooming under his undivided attention. It was like he was inspecting me under a microscope. It was a little unnerving, but he was kind, so I let myself get swept away in his whirlwind.
“Oh. Oh, babe.” He squealed. “Please, please, please, say you’ll do this for me.” He steepled his hands under his chin. “Please walk in my show?! I want you to be my Christmas star.”
His pleading eyes seemed to grow bigger the longer I stared at him and considered his offer. “What would I have to do?” I asked tentatively.
“Oh babe, it’s so simple. I promise, you were born for this. There might even be some scouts coming to my show too. I’m hoping to get an internship at Matthieu Montoya. It’s kind of a done deal, but they want to see my final collection.”
“Sounds great, right?” Ava beamed as she sat next to me. “You’ll have the world at your feet, and he who shall not be named will be beside himself.” I sighed and gave her an exasperated look. “I know you, angel. You love him but need time to work through everything that’s happened.”
“If it helps at all,” Mal added. “I don’t think he was implicit in anything that happened. I saw his face with the blood bomb and that didn’t look like someone who knew what was going to happen. Plus, he was the one who saved you every time.”
Mal’s words took root in my mind and hope flickered in my heart. “But what if that was all part of his plan? What if he’s just that manipulative?” I tipped my head back and closed my eyes as my mind whirled.
“Hey, butt out, Mally chops. This is the Levi show.” Warm fingers grabbed my jaw and gently shook my head until my eyes opened. “Jamie, sweetie, I’m gonna pop downstairs with Aves and grab the outfits I’ve brought for you to wear. These are just a few everyday things that you can interchange with each other for different looks. Then I’ll go through your closet and put some pieces together for the next couple of weeks, okay?”
“Sure. Okay. And yes, I’ll walk in your show if you tell me what I have to do.”
“Oh my days! I adore you, my little honey bear.” He lurched forward and wrapped his arms around me, the smell of cotton candy smothering me. “This is going to be amazing. Trust me.”
With those parting words, Levi and Ava left, leaving the room looking like some kind of natural disaster had struck. I couldn’t decide if I’d made the right choice or not. I guess only time would tell, and it sounded like I had an evening of fun with a now orange fluorescent-haired pixie to look forward to. At least for a few hours I could be a normal guy, enjoying his college experience with his friends. But Mal’s words clung to me, and I couldn’t let them go.
“Were you serious about what you said?”
“Huh?” Mal’s brow furrowed before the confusion cleared. “Oh! Yeah, I overheard one of the footballers saying that Olli Stevens and Chad Prescott had it out for your guy, and they were taking shit too far. It didn’t mean anything to me at the time, so I brushed it off. But now…”
“You’re wondering what they actually meant?”
“Kinda, yeah.”