Chapter 39 Layla
Guilt ate at Layla as a vision of Angus’s grief-stricken, tear-soaked face flashed in her mind. Gripping tighter onto Saira’s plump sofa cushion, she willed the image to disappear, but it lingered.
‘Start from the beginning,’ Saira instructed.
Layla nodded, but the problem was, she didn’t know when things had begun. Was it finding out about Gilly’s sickness, or when she first made the choice to have Angus in her life? A choice that had always felt selfish but seemed worse in light of Gilly’s cancer.
‘It doesn’t matter where the start is,’ Layla rasped. ‘I can’t add to his pain, Saira. I can’t be another person who lies to Angus, knowing one day I am going to leave him.’
‘Everyone ultimately leaves, Layla. It’s a fact of life,’ Saira said, but the statement made Layla close her eyes.
Of course Layla knew that people left those they loved eventually.
Divorce lawyers and funeral directors would be out of business if that wasn’t the case.
But there was a big difference between knowing life would end eventually, and knowing specifically when it would happen.
If Layla knew when her end was, was it fair to make a beginning with someone who didn’t?
‘Our friendship is false,’ Layla said. ‘It has been from the start. Angus met me and saw someone he liked. I know he hopes for more. I know he feels the same spark I do. The problem is, he doesn’t know about my death date.
I do. I know that every moment we spend together brings us one step closer to the end, but I’ve been seeing him anyway.
I’m choosing my happiness over his heartbreak. ’
‘Layla,’ Saira interjected, but Layla shook her head.
‘You can’t make me feel better about this, Saira.
I know it’s your job to show me different perspectives, but there isn’t much to unpick here.
It’s simple – I like Angus. No, scratch that – I love him.
All I want is to be around him. So, that’s what I did, because I didn’t want to die not knowing what it felt like to be by his side.
But how is that fair to him? Is this really the way to treat someone you love? ’
Tears fell thick and fast as Layla ducked her head. They landed on the patterned skirt she was wearing, bleeding into the material. Layla’s hands trembled as she remembered Angus spotting it when they were out last week.
‘That would look great on you,’ he said as they passed a boutique window.
Layla laughed at the idea of wearing such bold colours, but her eyes stayed on the skirt. ‘It is pretty,’ she agreed. For a second, Layla imagined herself wearing it out with Angus.
That second was all Angus needed. ‘Come on,’ he said, putting his arm around her and steering her into the store. ‘Let’s see if I’m right.’
Layla didn’t protest. Mostly because the skirt was divine, but also because Angus’s touch rendered her unable to breathe, never mind speak.
‘Layla, I know this is hard,’ Saira said as Layla peeled her gaze away from her tear-stained skirt. ‘Gilly’s diagnosis was a shock, but that doesn’t mean you have to walk away from Angus. Why not see what happens between the two of you?’
‘I can’t do that. It’s cruel.’
‘Cruel would be cutting something magical short because of fear.’
‘It’s not fear – it’s practicality. No,’ Layla said, shaking her head. ‘I can’t do it, Saira. I can’t hurt Angus. You didn’t see how upset he was when he told me about Gilly.’
‘But surely that’s an indicator that Angus needs you in his life now more than ever.’
‘He does, but if I help Angus through this, we’ll grow closer. I’ll become someone he leans on. Relies on.’
‘Is that such a bad thing?’
It took everything in Layla not to scoff. ‘Do you really need to ask that?’
‘It’s my job to ask questions, Layla. Especially when someone’s actions don’t reflect their desires. If you want Angus in your life, why are you making the decision to walk away from him?’
‘Because I won’t be here in two years’ time!’ The hideous words burst from Layla in a screech.
Saira watched with an expression that mirrored the heartbreak Layla felt. ‘Layla,’ she said, but her soft tone made Layla rigid.
‘This is the right thing to do, Saira. For me, for Angus, for everyone. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise.’
Pursing her lips, Saira leaned forward. ‘I’m not so sure. Perhaps we should talk—’
‘No,’ Layla interrupted. ‘All we ever do is talk, but talking doesn’t fix this. There’s nothing for me to do but walk away. Angus doesn’t need someone else he cares about lying to his face. He needs to focus on his mother.’
With that, Layla rose to her feet.
‘What are you doing?’ Saira asked, confused.
‘I need to go,’ Layla replied, reaching for her coat. ‘I need to do this before I talk myself out of it.’
‘Layla, we have more than half the session to go,’ Saira said, but Layla headed for the door without another word. ‘Layla! Layla !’
Saira’s cries followed Layla down the corridor.
Her concern was touching, but it wasn’t enough to shake Layla’s conviction that she was doing the right thing.
Layla was tired of lying. She was tired of running from her death date.
But most of all, she was tired of waking up every day knowing that she was going to devastate the man she loved.