The Life We Left Behind (Willowbrook #1)

Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

DELANEY

D eath never came easily. As I stared down at my father in the hospital bed, I saw how hard he’d fought to stay this long.

The squeak of my shoes on the linoleum floors pierced through the air as I cautiously rounded the bed to take the seat at his side. I gently took his hand, the rest of the world falling by the wayside as my attention fell solely on the man before me. “It’s okay, Daddy. I’m here now.”

My voice hitched with the tears I desperately tried to hold at bay.

“He’s heavily sedated so he may not respond,” the nearly forgotten doctor informed me. “He isn’t in any pain now. It shouldn’t be much longer.”

I couldn’t bear to look at this man’s face. It had that sad, drawn expression of someone who was trying to sympathize with you. This probably wasn’t the first time he’d had to say that to someone. What must it do to a person to be around this much pain and grief every day? But, selfishly, I didn’t care about that right now. My soul just didn’t have the capacity to hold on to his misery as well.

“Thank you,” I murmured, not entirely sure what I was thanking him for.

He made his excuses about giving me some time and shuffled out the door, silently closing it behind him. I’d thought it was what I wanted, but now that I was alone in this tiny hospital room with my father, I faced having to deal with a situation I was desperately unprepared for.

“Why would you not tell me about this?” The tears finally broke free of my eyes and slipped down my cheeks.

He didn’t respond. Of course, he didn’t. But I needed to say the words aloud in any case.

How could I not have known he was fighting this disease? Why wouldn’t he have told me he’d come to the city for surgery? How had it been so long since we’d spent any time together that he’d been able to get away with this?

I felt like I’d been robbed of time I hadn’t even realized I’d needed. Was it selfish to want an opportunity to say goodbye? Perhaps it was. He was facing the likelihood of his own death. He shouldn’t have to deal with everyone else’s grief as well.

Looking at my father now, I barely recognized him. Barrett James had always been larger than life in my eyes. He was the man who had done whatever was needed to protect me. I ran to him with all my sorrows, all my problems, and he would have taken on the world to save me from them all.

He was my father.

But this disease had robbed him of that larger-than-life stature. His skin had turned an ashen gray, and he looked so small in this bed. The illness had taken so much from him, and he’d been through that all alone.

My mother passed away in childbirth. The only memory I had of her was the faded photograph on the mantel. He never spoke of her, and strangely, I’d never hated him for that. Every time I saw him look at that photograph, I saw both the love and the pain in his eyes. Even as a child, I would have done anything to take that away from him. At least he’d get to be with her now.

“Mama’s waiting for you,” I whispered, reaching up to push his hair off his forehead. “You don’t have to be in pain anymore, Daddy. It’s time.”

The only sound in the room was the heart monitor slowly losing its monotonous pace. Every beep felt like a physical blow, but I endured each and every one. I wouldn’t let him go through this alone. Not this part. Not the part he’d finally allowed me to know about. Someone should be here to witness this great man leaving our world.

My grip on his hand never faltered, and I hoped wherever he was right now that he’d be able to feel it. That my whispered words of love would register, and he’d know how much he’d been cared for.

It hadn’t been easy on my father to raise a daughter alone. As a teenager, I’d been wild and carefree, thinking that nothing in the world could stop me. Until it did. Until I came bursting through our front door, heartbroken and confessing to the child growing inside me to my stoic father. The child that had been disowned by his father, the child I would protect just as fiercely as my father had me.

I remembered sitting on our couch thinking my world was over. I couldn’t stay in Willowbrook with the shame of this hanging over me. The rejection was just too much. And even though I knew it hurt him, he heard me, and he protected me like he always did. Finding me a new home with my Aunt Adelaide in the city, even though it meant he would be alone. He never once complained about that. He never made me feel like I was to blame. It was only natural that he loved his grandson just as fiercely as he did his daughter.

An alarm coming from the heart monitor broke through my thoughts, and my eyes raised to take in the flat line on the screen that told me he was gone. I felt so empty. So alone. How was I supposed to fill the hole he’d leave in my life?

I hadn’t even realized the doctor had come back into the room until I saw him move to turn off the monitor. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I’d be hearing a lot of that over the next few weeks. And it would feel the same every single time.

Empty. Meaningless. Trivial.

I dropped my keys on the entryway table and kicked off my shoes before looking around the cozy little hallway of my apartment. When I first moved here, it had been with the promise that it was just until I got on my feet. I’d find somewhere bigger, somewhere nicer. But then we painted the walls and filled this place with memories. First steps, first words, tears, and tantrums. And I’d never been able to let the place go.

We’d made this apartment a home without even meaning to, and I loved every square inch of the place.

But the hurt in my heart was more than those happy memories could cover right now. And as I stared blankly around myself, I didn’t know what to do.

It didn’t surprise me when the door opened, and someone walked into the apartment. Of course, Blake was here. She’d have waited for me to return so she could come and hold all my pieces together for me. That was what best friends did for each other.

Blake’s arms wrapped around me from behind before she even said a word, and I felt her forehead drop between my shoulder blades as she held me tight.

“I’ve got you, Del,” she murmured.

Tears filled my eyes, and a lump formed in my throat that seemed certain to choke me. My body felt like it was physically in pain from the emotions that tore through it, and yet there was a part of me that whispered I didn’t deserve them. I hadn’t spent enough time with him. Didn’t keep in contact as much as I should. This was my punishment for not loving him enough. Not keeping him in my life and letting everyday life get in the way.

“I…”

I had nothing to follow up on that one word. As it slipped through my lips, the sob I’d been trying to hold at bay finally broke free.

Blake bustled me into the living room, bundling me up in a blanket as she gently pushed me down onto the couch. I didn’t even remember her walking away from me, but as the mug of steaming tea was pressed into my hands, I realized she must have.

I cradled that hot vessel, letting the warmth seep into my palms as the steam curled up into my face and, strangely, it centered me.

“I don’t like tea,” I realized aloud after I’d stared at the liquid for long enough that it had long gone cold.

“I know. But this is what you do, right? Someone is going through heartbreak, and you make them tea.”

Blake sounded so sure of herself that it had me raising my head to see if she looked as crazy as she sounded. Nodding away at her own statement, her pink bob fell across her face, and she quickly pushed it away. I’d never been as brave as my beautiful friend. Cade always said she looked like a fairy when he was little, with her short stature and delicate features. To me, she’d always been my fiercest hero.

“I love you, you know.”

“Of course you do. I’m the rock, the calm in the storm. Your best bitch and all that.”

A smile touched my lips but quickly faded as the guilt followed in its wake.

“How did I not know?” It was the question that would haunt me.

“Because he didn’t want you to, sweetheart.”

Her arm came around my shoulders, and I sank into her side. Cade would need to come home soon, and I wanted to get this out of my system enough to function so I wouldn’t scare him. It had been hard for him when we lost Aunt Adelaide a few years ago. My father was the only other family member he had any kind of connection with, and I didn’t know how he was going to handle this. At nine years old, he shouldn’t have to be handling this, and yet here we were.

“Do you want something to eat?” Blake asked, and I could practically feel her need to mother me rising to the surface again.

Weirdly, though, it was working, and I pulled myself up, shifting on the old, worn-out couch to face her. “No, I don’t think I could stomach anything right now. Was Cade okay when you picked him up from school?”

“Yeah, you know Cade. He was over the moon to see me waiting for him. He’s watching some kid shit back at my place. You don’t need to worry about him right now. I’ve got you covered.”

I nodded. It made things easier to know that I didn’t need to mom right now. And she was right. Cade would have been excited to see her waiting for him. I was past the point of taking it personally…mostly.

“I’ll break the news to him in a bit, but first, I need a plan.”

Break the news.

It sounded so cold, but what was the alternative? Shatter his world? Break his heart? Hurting my son was something I’d never be comfortable with.

Blake nodded before jumping up and grabbing a notebook and pen from my desk in the corner. Nearly ten years of being my best friend had made her familiar enough with my habits that she probably knew me better than anyone I’d ever met before. Well, maybe not everyone, but at least of the people left in my life, at any rate.

Blake passed me the notebook, and I started a list of what I needed to get done. I’d gone through all the paperwork at the hospital. The doctor confirmed my father had already made arrangements with the funeral home that served the small town where I’d grown up. He’d given me their details, and I knew I’d have to be in contact with them soon. There would be a few days delay for the postmortem, but the hospital had promised it wouldn’t take long.

But there was also something else at the top of my list, the one thing I’d sworn I’d never do, but then I hadn’t exactly foreseen something like this happening for a very long time.

I’d have to return home. I’d have to go back to Willowbrook, and I’d have to do it soon.

Blake peered at the paper, and I heard her sad sigh of acceptance. “I’ll come with you.” Determination lined her voice, and I pitied the person who stood against this woman’s wrath if they dared to test her.

“How am I going to break this to Cade?” It was one of those things you should never have to do—explain to a nine-year-old that someone in his life was gone and never coming back. In some respects, it had been easier when Adelaide passed away. Cade had been so young he didn’t really understand what was happening.

Blake’s hand reached for mine, and I grabbed onto hers like the lifeline it was. I was only changing the subject away from Willowbrook because I couldn’t deal with it right now. It was stupid, really. It wasn’t going anywhere, and there was no getting around the fact that I had to return. I just needed five minutes where I felt in control of my life. Where I could pretend that the overwhelming sadness inside of me was all I had to deal with.

“I’ll do it with you,” she said again. Of course, she would. She wouldn’t be Blake if she didn’t.

I nodded numbly, getting to my feet and ignoring the sick sensation in my stomach. There was no point in putting this off. Telling Cade may bring it all to the surface again, but there was no shame in us mourning together. He needed to see that it was okay to be sad.

We found him sitting in front of Blake’s TV, binge-watching Pokemon for what had to be the millionth time. I knew I was biased, but he’d always be my beautiful boy. Most days, I didn’t want to accept that he looked so much like his father had when we’d first met. His messy, dirty blond hair was impossible to tame most days, and the small gap between his front teeth when he grinned was nothing short of pure ammunition to be used when he needed to escape trouble. Cade even had the same stormy gray-blue eyes that his father did.

Right now, he looked so young and carefree, like nothing in the world could ever hurt him. Except what I was about to do. I was supposed to be the one that protected him, and it absolutely killed me that I couldn’t protect him from this.

“Mom!” He leaped to his feet and collided with me as he wrapped himself around me.

Dang, I loved this kid so much.

“How was your day today?” I asked, waddling over to the couch with a nine-year-old boy still hanging off me.

This was our thing. It was our ritual whenever we couldn’t be together after school, and I couldn’t let this one moment of normalcy pass.

“Jayden said fuuuu… an adult word in class, and Miss Thompson snorted coffee out her nose.” He looked up at me, full of childhood innocence, and even though it felt like one of those adult moments where you impart wisdom and reinforce a life lesson, I descended into laughter instead.

“I wish I’d been there to see that.” Mainly because Miss Thompson was so prim and proper, I couldn’t ever imagine anything coming out of her nose except that snort of derision she seemed to do at every parent’s conference I’d had to attend with her.

To say we clashed was an understatement.

“How was your day, Mom?” He snuggled up against me as we got cozy on Blake’s couch, and I felt her clasp my shoulder as she offered her silent support from where she stood behind us.

This was it.

I looked down at the boy I would give the world to if I could, and even though I felt broken and so terribly sad, the love I had for him burned bright. That was how I found the strength to say the words I needed to say.

“It wasn’t very good, monkey.” He looked up at me with concern in his eyes, and I pressed on before I could chicken out. “I got a call from the hospital today because Grandpa was there. He’s not been well for a long time, and he’s been trying to get better, but the disease he had was just one that he couldn’t beat.”

His eyes were already filling with tears, and I could feel that tight feeling behind my own.

“Grandpa died today.” My voice sounded so hollow as I spoke the words, but it was all I could do to hold myself together as I finally said it aloud.

His first tear slipped past his eyelashes and tumbled down his cheek, and I quickly wiped it away. Hating everything that it stood for.

“He’s gone?” His voice was so small, and I clung to him even tighter.

“He is, buddy.”

Cade’s arms wrapped around me as he held me tight and cried silently against me. I knew he was trying to figure it all out in his head, and if he needed me to, I’d hold him all night while he tried to do that.

Blake draped a blanket over the two of us and turned off the television before sitting on the floor and resting a hand on Cade’s knee. We surrounded him with all the love we could while his little heart filled with grief for the second time in his short life.

“But I didn’t get to say goodbye,” he eventually whispered against my shoulder.

“I know, Cade. I didn’t really either. He went to the hospital for a special operation, and when it didn’t work, he wasn’t strong enough to wake up again. He was asleep when I got there. I think…I think Grandpa thought it would be easier if we didn’t know he was sick. He didn’t want us worrying about him.”

I had no idea how to explain this to my son when I didn’t even understand it myself. It hurt to be so far on the outside of my father’s life that I hadn’t known this was happening. Maybe it was my fault that we weren’t closer. I was the one who’d run to the city and never once looked back. He’d tried to come and visit, to spend as much time as he could with us, but it was hard having the farm back in Willowbrook. Eventually, the calls got further and further apart, and the visits only happened once or twice a year around the holidays. We hadn’t driven each other away. It was more like we’d gotten too busy with the complications of everyday life.

I hated myself for that right now.

At some point, I’d pulled Cade into my lap, and he’d snuggled against my chest as we clung to each other in our sadness. His tears had long since dried up, but he didn’t let me go. The trusty blanket that every couch should have was still tucked around us, cocooning us together.

It was only when Blake pressed a mug of hot chocolate into Cade’s hands that my eyes lifted from the spot on the wall I’d been staring at. What was with her today and appearing with hot drinks?

She shrugged. “He doesn’t like tea.”

“No one likes tea.” I actually didn’t hate the stuff, but I felt like I’d made a point now and couldn’t back down from it.

“But everyone likes chocolate,” she answered smugly.

I wanted to grumble about not getting any chocolate, but Cade’s soft voice cut through the grumpiness with a question. “What happens now?”

“We need to go to Grandpa’s farm and close it up. Arrange the funeral so we can say goodbye.” Cade nodded slowly. “You’re probably going to need to take the end of this term off school, but the school can send you some work to do, okay?”

“What about baseball?”

“I can talk to your coach. I’m sure they’ll understand, honey.”

“No, I mean the game tomorrow. The team is counting on me to be there.” He looked up at me with his sad brown eyes, and I felt a surge of pride at how amazing this kid was. “But you need me too,” he added sadly.

“I’m always going to need you, kid,” I told him, hugging him harder. “But if you want to stay for the game tomorrow, we can wait and go out to the farm in a few days. I can probably do a lot over the phone.”

I had no idea if that was true, but I couldn’t be the first relative who couldn’t drop everything and be there in person, surely. Yes, there were a lot of people I needed to speak to, but maybe I could call and have them start things off and meet with them in a few days. That still left the issue of the livestock, though. I had no idea what arrangements my father had made or who to call to ask.

“How about you go ahead to Willowbrook, and I stay with Cade for his game? We can follow you up after. It will give you time to get some of the boring stuff done without having us around to bug you,” Blake offered.

Everything inside me wanted to say no. My son was hurting right now, and I didn’t want to leave him. Even if it was with Blake, who was so much more than the honorary aunt she’d become to Cade. I was his mother, and I wasn’t about to put anything before him. There was nothing in the world more important to me.

“It’s fine. It won’t make any difference if we go tomorrow or a few days later.”

“This could give you time to do what you need to do before he gets there.” I realized what Blake was trying to say. This was my way to get a feel for Willowbrook and make Cade’s time there as short as possible. It was probably the only chance I’d have at insulating him from the small-town gossip. From everything I’d run from.

“It’s okay, Mom. Auntie Blake can video the game for you, and you can call me whenever you want if you get lonely.” Had I mentioned that this kid had a heart of gold?

“I’m more worried about you than me.” I ruffled his hair playfully, and he looked up at me with a sad smile framed by a chocolate mustache. I swear he did this stuff on purpose because he knew I couldn’t say no.

Blake was giving him starry eyes and leaned in, capturing us both in a hug with a hum of contentment. “You two are hash-tag goals for an old spinster like me.”

A laugh unexpectedly barked out of me. Laughter wasn’t something I expected to have a place in a conversation like this, and yet here we were. My dad would have liked that. He would have enjoyed knowing that no matter how sad I was, I always had someone in my corner who knew how to make it better.

“You are getting pretty old.” Cade’s cheeky smile always meant he could get away with murder in Blake’s eyes, but calling her old might cut it a bit too close, even for him.

Blake spluttered in fake outrage and then dived on top of us both, going straight in to tickle Cade’s ribs. He became a whirlwind of squeals and bony elbows, and even though I felt the breeze of one passing dangerously close to the tip of my nose, I couldn’t help but laugh along with them. Thank God he’d devoured his drink because I’d definitely have been wearing it right about now.

There’d be moments when we fell back into our grief and sadness, but for now, I’d embrace every happy moment we could squeeze out of life. Because come tomorrow, I was heading back to Willowbrook, alone. And I’d have to face down the one man I never wanted to see again…Trace Farrington.

My teenage boyfriend.

The love of my life.

Cade’s father.

And the only man who broke my heart so thoroughly, I’d never let a single soul near it ever again.