Chapter 2
Muriel lay in her mother’s guest bed scrolling through Zack’s social media profile, studying its content. She hadn’t noticed before how little he’d posted about their relationship over the years, if anything. He posted about his law school, pictures of them hanging out with friends, or doing special things like hiking or kayaking, but never just of the two of them.
Muriel, on the other hand, shared nothing but her and Zack. Date night, she’d post. “Dinner was amazing with my favorite guy!” #datenight #romanticdinner. She’d post selfies of them out places or even hanging out at home. “Rom-com and takeout!” #stayingin #dinner4two. Then her lengthy soliloquies of her love and devotion for him on his birthday or their anniversaries. He hadn’t even publicly wished her a happy birthday.
Not that she needed a public announcement of his love.
But as she scrolled through his profile, she wondered if he even truly loved her.
She wanted to throw up.
Throwing the covers off, she got out of bed, and without even noticing she was crying she dragged herself to the bathroom. Her mother and grandfather had already awoken and gone downstairs. She knew they were waiting for her to get up and talk about things. They always wanted to talk about things.
Being retired, her grandfather had always been the one who had dropped her off and picked her up from school. The fifteen-minute car ride hadn’t been significant in the moment, but now she’d give anything to have someone to drive her to work who she could talk things out with. Someone who cared about her and her well-being. Over the past five years, her life had been dictated by Zack’s outcomes.
When had she stopped caring about her outcomes?
She looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her curls stuck out everywhere. The dark bags hung with the puffiness of her crying all night long. The soft lines and wrinkles developing seemed to have deepened overnight. She looked horrible.
Could she face her mother and grandfather right now? When she had arrived late last night, both had been asleep. She’d just quietly tiptoed upstairs into the guest room and tried to rest. But her mind hadn’t been able to shut down as her heart broke.
She loved Zack. She loved the life Zack had promised her. She never thought she would be that woman. Be the one who said they never saw anything wrong until it was over. Now, the red flags were slapping her in the face. The more she reflected, the more she realized how oblivious she had been.
But what she was most disgusted with was herself. She let a guy dictate her life for five years. She should have known not to trust promises. After all, Phillip Smith was her father. The man of empty promises. Even before her parents had divorced, he’d been the dad who’d promise to make the game or concert and always had something terribly more important come up. She had once given him a hard time for missing her piano recital and he’d snapped back at her.
“Do you think I want to live this kind of life?” he’d said, staring at her. She’d felt like he was egging her on to ask questions so he could confess his unhappiness in his life and having to be her father.
With a deep breath, she put on a smile and walked out of the bathroom and down to the kitchen, where they’d be waiting to hear from her.
“Good morning,” Meredith said as soon as Muriel walked into the room.
Gordon sat at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee and the Boston Globe newspaper.
“You can get the Globe all the way up here?” Muriel asked, surprised to see it.
Gordon smiled until he looked up from the paper and saw her puffy red eyes. “Looks like we need some of those blueberry muffins.”
Her mom held out her arms and, thankfully, didn’t say anything, just let Muriel embrace her for a long moment. She couldn’t help but let the tears silently fall onto her mom’s shoulder. She didn’t know if she’d ever get over this pain.
“I feel like a fool,” she confessed. “I told everyone he was going to propose.”
Muriel stepped back, embarrassed of all the phone calls she had made with her mother over the past month. At first, she’d thought Zack might propose the night of his graduation from law school. And with her twenty-fifth birthday only a few weeks away, along with their fifth-year anniversary and his promises over the past three years of law school, they’d get married once he found a job.
So, when he landed a position at Sterling, Young, and Moore, everything she had hoped for, while waiting three years for him to finish school, had finally come to fruition. Or so she thought.
“He gave me a key to his apartment,” she said, sobbing into her mother’s shirt. She stepped away from Meredith and grabbed a tissue, blowing hard. “I’m so stupid.”
“Stop it,” Meredith said. “We all thought this was going to be a big night for you two.”
“Did he even come to you or dad?” She should’ve done her research.
Meredith shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
Muriel inhaled, but her breath shivered and jerked. “I’m just so dumb.”
“Why?” asked Gordon from his spot at the table. “Because you loved someone enough to consider spending the rest of your life with him? I don’t think that’s dumb. In fact, I think that’s courageous and the ones who lack that vulnerability are the dumb ones.”
She covered her face with her hands, shaking the image of her behavior at the restaurant out of her mind. Had she been hysterical? Had the rest of the restaurant seen what she couldn’t?
“Did you guys know he was never going to propose?” she asked.
Meredith tilted her head and then sighed. “I thought you two were happy. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I really am. I know how hard it is to go through something like a heartbreak. What can I do for you?”
Muriel went back into her mother’s arms, never more thankful for her. “I just want to stay here and figure things out if that’s okay.”
“Of course,” Meredith said without hesitation.
But Muriel wondered if she was imposing on her mother. She had a serious boyfriend and had her own new chapter in life with the cottage in Maine, an inheritance from her mother’s father. Did she want her daughter around now? Her twenty-five-year-old? Wasn’t that the running worry of empty nesters, that their flock would move back and crowd the nest?
“Not forever, just for a few weeks,” Muriel added.
Meredith swept a loose strand of hair away from Muriel’s face, just like she had when she’d been a little girl, and said, “Stay as long as you want. This is your home, too.”
“Thanks, Mom.” Muriel said, but the small cottage was nothing like her childhood home in Andover. Not that she didn’t enjoy the cottage by the sea. Who didn’t love living on the Atlantic Ocean? But it was unfamiliar and strange, and it made her feel like an outsider in her own family.
Meredith rubbed Muriel’s back. “It’ll be nice to spend time with your family. Get your mind off things. You could get to know your cousins better. That Matthew is a ham.”
“That sounds nice,” Muriel said, but she didn’t know what she should do.
All night, Muriel’s mind had spun in circles, weighing her options. She could stay in Concord, live in the apartment she had just signed another year lease for. She had a job, which also had a signed contract to teach for another year. She could find new friends. Ask some of her friends from school to hang out outside of work, but would that be weird and awkward?
One thing was for sure, staying in Concord, she wouldn’t be able to avoid seeing Zack. He worked on Main Street just blocks down from the elementary school where she worked. If she ever grocery shopped or walked downtown or drove around, she’d end up running into him. It was too small of a city not to.
“Why don’t you go for a walk and get some ocean air?” her grandpa said. Gordon looked like he was about to go for a walk himself. “I find it always clears the mind.”
“I think I’m going to go back upstairs,” said Muriel. “I need to lie down.”
Muriel didn’t know if she had done the right thing by breaking up with Zack. Had she stayed, would Zack have eventually asked her? Out of love or obligation? And was she right to break up with a man who at least felt something for her and go to having no one? Was marriage that important? What if there wasn’t someone out there for her? The thought that she might never find someone kept tumbling in her head.
She crawled back in bed, pulling the cover over herself, and cried into her pillow.
For hours, she lay in bed, looking out the window. Far off in the distance, she could see a white-and-red lighthouse. She didn’t want to figure things out. She wanted to sit in Zack’s arms and cuddle on the couch. She wanted to go out to dinner and talk about regular things together. She wanted to have someone who thought she was special enough to be with. Zack thought she was special, just not enough.
She wasn’t enough.
As she stared out at the lighthouse, her phone began to vibrate on her nightstand. Quickly, she grabbed it to see if it was Zack calling, but it was her aunt.
“Hey,” she said into the phone.
“Hey, Muriel.” Remy’s soft voice made it clear she already knew the situation. “How about we hang out today? Want to go to the beach with me and the kids?”
Muriel blinked, sending tears onto her pillow. “No, I think I’m going to stay home today.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Remy said.
Remy was her favorite aunt, even if she was her only aunt. She always made Muriel feel special and showered her with affection. She always got the best presents, took her out on special outings, and spent time listening to what Muriel had to say, never judging. She was the greatest aunt that a girl who felt awkward most of her life needed.
But Muriel couldn’t even think about going to the beach. “Maybe another time.”
“We’re always looking for some help down at the market,” Remy said. “You could earn some extra cash while you’re here.”
Muriel had a few things lined up for the summer, but nothing definite. Secretly, she had hoped to take the summer off and finally enjoy her summer break.
That was when she heard a knock on the door.
“Muriel?” her mother said. “I put some fresh blueberry muffins by the door if you want some.”
Muriel could stay in bed and gain a million blueberry muffin pounds. Or…
Muriel kept her focus on the lighthouse. The water around it sparkled from the sun’s rays. She could be that woman. The one that felt sorry for herself.
Or.
She could get herself together. Show up in Concord better than ever. Shine on her own island. Become the lighthouse.
“Sure, Remy, I can help,” she said. “But only for a few weeks.”