Chapter 18 #3
“I am... I mean I do. But only if you want to stay,” He tells me.
“I’ll stay,” I don’t hesitate to agree.
I never had a morning after, or a walk of shame. But as I established before, this isn’t a normal hookup.
“If you don’t want to stay you don’t have to. I know this is technically just a hookup... I mean we aren’t... I’m not really used to the no strings attached thing is all. So I’m not really sure how this part works,” He tells me, admitting why he’s acting the way he is now.
He knows I’m used to this kind of thing, and that fact shouldn’t bother me but it does. I always think someone is thinking something bad when in reality it’s probably the opposite.
“It can work however we want it to work. This isn’t really a normal hookup... It’s... It’s just different. I’m staying alright? It’s not a big deal. I’ll stay whenever you want... For the next week at least.”
The truth sits in my chest as I speak it out. One more week.
“Okay... Um. You can shower. I’m going to clean up, I’ll be in soon okay?” He asks and I nod.
He doesn’t kiss my lips, but my forehead instead, his lips soft as he leaves the bathroom. I step into his shower, the hot water burning into my skin as I do. I don’t flinch at the feeling, my skin still tingling from his touch that’s gone now.
That was... It was good first sex. It was great actually.
I’ve never hooked up with someone for the first time and had it be that good.
It felt different... Bell cared about how I was feeling of course which is a giant perk.
But I can’t really put a finger on the exact reason.
Technically we won’t be sleeping together again.
It was supposed to be a one time thing, but we also weren’t supposed to sleep together yet.
I really don’t know what’s going to happen when it comes to the two of us.
.. But if it was up to me I’d love to...
Explore more with him. But he seems off now, and to be honest I feel off.
I feel heavy. I feel... I feel scared. I feel scared because it feels like there are a lot of things left unsaid right now which is normally the opposite when it comes to me.
Everything is usually always on the table.
It could be the secret feelings I’m harboring.
Though I’m 99% sure those will disappear once I get on the bus back home.
I think alone for a while and shower, cleaning myself off.
The second I peek my head out of the shower to look for Bellamy, he's walking back into the bathroom.
He has a towel on to cover himself now. I catch his eyes, and a soft smile hits his lips.
I look around, my eyes searching for a towel, my hair dripping wet.
He moves quickly, his hands reaching under the sink.
He hands me not one, but two, and I take both of them.
I step out, the water still running. I wrap the towel around my body, and then take the other, and wrap it around my hair.
“I’ll only be a second...” He tells me, and I nod.
He drops his towel and gets in the shower.
I reach into my drawer once more to find face wash and a toothbrush. I wash my face quickly and then brush my teeth.
I walk from the bathroom, and into his bedroom.
The sounds from outside the room have lessened.
I’m assuming it’s only Lawson, Griff, and Jade left now, but I don’t want to leave his bedroom to look.
I notice that the sheets have been changed already.
What the fuck is he? Is he from a different planet?
There’s no way this is real life. This doesn’t happen.
He’s just playing this up for the list, he has to be.
.. There’s a shirt folded on the bed and a pair of briefs as well for me.
I drop my towel and take the clothes, putting them on my body.
I throw both towels in the hamper by the door, and run a brush through my hair, letting it dry naturally.
The water turns off, and I don’t look behind me, I just wait and crawl back into his bed.
Bellamy walks back into his room, a towel around his waist again, his skin wet from the shower, and tempting even though I just had him... That’s the problem. I don’t think I’ve ever hooked up with someone I’m this attracted to.
Bellamy is a different kind of attractive.
He’s cute but sexy. He’s easy to look at.
He’s intimidating with his strong features.
Sharp jaw, and incredibly sharp cheekbones too.
His nose is perfect, and the light stubble coming through might be seen as an imperfection, but I think it looks perfect on him.
His lips are soft, and always pink. His face softens the minute he smiles, his dimple prominent, and his teeth pearly white.
His eyes are second to the dimple... A soft pretty blue covered with thick lashes.
.. And if his face wasn’t enough his body. .. His hands... They are...
“You’re making me feel like a science project,” He’s joking.
I know by the way he smiles at me, and I look away. I was really just staring so hard at him.
“Sorry. I was thinking.” Thinking about how hot you are…
“Are you okay?” He pulls shorts over his briefs.
He throws the dirty towel into the hamper and makes his way toward me.
“Perfect,” I only tell a small white lie.
I do feel perfect, and that feeling is what throws me off completely.
“Then come here,” He throws himself down and doesn’t hesitate to pull me with him.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, and I want to say something.
Anything but I don’t know how to articulate the words I’m thinking.
I don’t know how to sound the way I want to without sounding bad, or weird, but right now I feel so much, my body is weighed down by all of the things I’m feeling after what just happened.
“I’m sorry...” He speaks first, and I lean up, my brows furrowing as I look at him.
“Why are you apologizing to me? You didn’t do anything wrong.
.. Actually you... You did everything right.
.. I was, well, I didn’t even know what to say to you because I didn’t want to sound crazy but god Bell.
.. I just... Wow... I’ve never had... I mean you were.
.. That was just... Wow... It was only supposed to be once, and I know that, and that’s normally how it goes when it comes to hooking up with people.
.. Especially for me... But even when you were walking out of the shower I was thinking about you again.
.. And I... I don’t know... You shouldn’t apologize, you were amazing. ”
He’s smirking at me, looking like he’s fighting laughter.
“What?” I ask, and he raises his eyebrows, my stomach dropping. “You weren’t talking about the sex were you?”
He shakes his head. I cover my face feeling more embarrassed than I ever have. I groan, rolling onto my back.
“Oh my god that’s so embarrassing,” I speak out, mostly to myself, but I’m fully aware he can hear me.
“Hey, come back...” He hooks his arm around my waist, moving me back so I’m pressed to his warm chest.
“Just forget what I said.”
He drops his jaw. “Absolutely not. Not now, not ever.”
I cover my face again, hiding the blush of my cheeks from him.
“Stop it. That was cute... And the feeling is mutual... It wasn’t... It wasn’t just good for you Ryn.”
I sigh at his words.
“Okay fine,” I try to shake off the embarrassed feeling in my chest, and fail.
“You really think I look that good though? I can’t even walk out of the shower without you wanting to-”
“Oh my god shut up,” I cover his mouth with my hand and feel his smile underneath my hand.
I know my smile is just as wide.
“What are you sorry for?” I ask him, moving us back to his initial words.
“For what she said tonight,” He explains and I furrow my brows.
“Leah?”
He cringes at the mention of her name.
“Yes... I was avoiding saying her name... But yes... That shouldn’t have happened.”
It obviously feels heavy on him for it to still bother him.
“Oh. You don’t have to apologize about that, or about her. She’s not your responsibility… Either way, I’m used to it.”
The thought of him thinking those things about me still bothers me, even if I try to brush it off.
“What do you mean you’re used to it?” His voice is serious, and his face is serious too. His defensive nature immediately returns right away, and I go silent. “What do you mean Ryn?” He asks, his hand coming to my face to hold it, just like he always does.
His features are strong, and soft all at once. I’ve never been defensive about the things that have been said about me. My mind flashes back to Dylan, and a few of the others. To the mean girls, I’ve encountered long before Leah.
“I just mean Leah isn’t the first mean girl.
Or guy, too. I’m not the cleanest when it comes to my history of hookups, Bell.
You knew that. I’m always safe. I do everything right on the hygiene side, but when the hook up ends…
And when it doesn’t work out someone usually ends up hurt.
Whether that’s an ex-girlfriend or the guy.
I’ve heard what she’s said in a thousand different ways.
I don’t really care if people think that kind of stuff, it just rolls off of my shoulders…
It’s not your fault. If we’re blaming anyone it should be me. ”
Only part of the truth comes out. My chest feels heavy when some of the words that have been said to me play in my head. It doesn’t bother me daily, but it does sit with me. I don’t just forget about it. I can’t.
“That’s not true,” He says and I hesitate. “Kamryn... Baby…” He uses a new nickname, and warmth explodes from my stomach.
“It is partially true... I mean it hurts at the moment. I won't forget about it after it happens. Sometimes when I’m down on myself I think about it but it doesn’t.
.. It’s not a big deal. Most people on this campus have heard plenty.
I’m a quick fuck to most, and to the girls I’m…
” I shake my head, my instinct to move away from him.
He keeps me right there, pressed against his chest.
“Hey… None of what she said is true, not at all. There’s nothing about you that you should be ashamed of.
Especially when it comes to your sex life,” He tells me.
“She’s jealous... I knew she would be...
I figured, but I really don’t want you to let anything she says get to you.
Leah is not important in your life... At all. ”
I nod at his words. “Okay...” I agree with him. “I’m over it. I know she was just trying to get under my skin,” I nestle myself into him, my head pressing to his warm skin, his heartbeat playing in my ear like a song.
“You’re more than… I mean you... Your body is incredible, and you... You’re amazing in bed Kamryn, but you are far more than a quick fuck... So much more than that.”
I stay silent, my head against his chest, my heart in my throat.
“Thank you...” I accept the compliment that means more than he will probably ever know.
“And another thing. I know this is temporary. Everything with us is only for now, but when next year rolls around, and the year after, and every year until then… Whether you get married and have a bunch of kids or stay single forever because you chose yourself. I hope you know that it’s never anyone’s business or their job to make any comment on you, and what you do with your body.
I know you know that. But it’s your business what you do in your bed.
No one has the right to change that, or alter that, or make you feel any differently.
I know you know that. I just don’t want you to forget it, because you’re one of the most carefree people I know and you’re a good person.
It’s just... It would be a shame to let people who don’t matter take it from you.
..” His heart is broadcasted on his sleeve right now.
I close my eyes, not saying a word. Mostly because I have no idea what to say to him.
I have no idea if I should say anything about the fact that as of right now, at this moment.
Sleeping with anyone else sounds absolutely wrong to me.
Not even wrong. I just don’t want to. I don’t know if I should tell him that the thought of what he said, me not talking to him, or not being around him next year like I was this year makes my stomach turn.
It’s been a week and I’ve gotten used to Bellamy.
Yes, in a relationship sense. But not only that.
I’ve gotten used to him as a friend. As a person.
.. And I don’t like the thought of not having that.
Despite feeling every bit of it, I keep it to myself, because I have no idea if this is a temporary feeling or if I’m starting to get too used to him being around.