Chapter 19 #2
I sigh to myself. I have to torture myself for an entire summer and probably during the semester if I say yes to this opportunity.
I see flashes of his body in my head, completely unprovoked images from last night and I want to rip my hair out in frustration.
I told Bellamy two weeks, and then I’m gone.
If he sees me on the field he’s going to think I’m just as crazy as his ex.
.. I can’t look at him like this all summer.
There’s no way I can without me wanting to sleep with him again, it’s inevitable.
I need time to get these feelings out of my system.
To detox from Bellamy Archer before the football season starts.
But for now, I’d like to come as close to overdosing as I can with the few days I’ve got left.
That is if he’s okay with being my drug of choice.
“Bell...” I say his name, and he looks down at me as we run next to each other.
He pulls an earbud out, and raises his eyebrows at me, “What’s up babe?”
“Do you want to come over after this? I don’t know if you had any list things planned but I have to pack and clean a little bit. So I was wondering if you wanted to come. Just to hang out. You don’t have to.”
His lips turn up into a soft smile, “Yes, I do have a thing planned tonight, but for now, I would love nothing more than to come over Ryn,” He looks like he’s trying to keep laughter in, and I know it’s because of how visibly sick I probably look as I make the move to ask him to hang out.
I must look insane, but I don’t know how to do this, to make plans, to do things first. I’m the one people chase, not the chaser. I look at his chiseled features for only a second longer before I put my own headphone in. I’ll run the tension out of my body, and then Bellamy and I can go from there.
I burst out laughing at Bellamy as he sits on my couch, hugging the puppy dog stuffed animal.
I fold my clothes and move them into a suitcase.
We both showered together after our run and have been here since, exactly like this.
Me doing what I’ve needed to do around my apartment.
Him laying on the couch, keeping me company as I pack some things for the rest of summer.
He turned on the movie Stuck in Love, and he’s been looking past me every now and again to watch it.
Most of my apartment will be left untouched for a month and a half while I’m gone.
.. That is, if I stay gone. I haven’t stopped thinking about what Coach Corbin said to me.
But that’s not something I can just decide on my own whenever I want.
I need to think about it. I need to think a lot about it.
“Give me that,” I hold my hand out for the puppy dog.
“You’re taking it back with you?” He asks, and I nod, waving my hand.
He tosses the golden dog to me, and I shove it in my suitcase.
“You basically just killed the dog. I worked hard to win you that too,” He shakes his head, and I roll my eyes.
“Goldie will be fine, he’ll survive a few hour ride up north in the suitcase. He’s not complaining, do you hear complaints?” I cup my hand around my ear, and Bellamy laughs, the room falling silent around us.
“Are you excited to be back home?” He asks me in the quiet.
I nod, smiling to myself, “I always get excited to go back, mostly because I don’t plan on staying here forever. I love Washington but I want to be somewhere else, somewhere bigger, more exciting... So I spend as much time with my parents as I can for the time being,” I tell him.
“What are their names?” He’s propping his head up on his hand, staring at me as I sit on my living room floor in front of him.
“My dad is Dave, and my mom is Nancy,” I open my mouth again, and my words are stopped by the vibration of my phone.
I see Mom On the screen, I pick up my phone, sliding it open. I put it on speaker, and throw it on my coffee table.
“Baby, it’s Mom,” I hear her and I smirk.
“Yes Mom, I know. I have your contact saved.”
“Why does it sound like I’m on speakerphone? What are you doing?” She’s always full of questions.
“Because you are on speaker phone, I’m packing my suitcase for home, and I have a friend in the room so behave.”
“A friend? Is it Sienna?” She asks me, and I make eye contact with Bellamy who is still laying across my couch, his face casual as he listens to our conversation.
He raises his eyebrows at me, probably wondering if I’m going to lie or not. I don’t lie to my mom though, especially not now.
“No, not Sienna, someone else,” My smirk forms on my lips.
I look down at the suitcase in front of me and continue to fold my clothes.
“Not Sienna? You don’t have any other friends... Is it a boy kind of friend?”
I sigh, “It is exactly that type. His name is Bellamy, say hi.”
“Hi, Bellamy!”
He looks at me, and then at the phone, “Hi, Mrs. Hart.”
My mom gasps.
“Oh Kammi he has a nice voice, are you sure he’s just your friend?” She asks and I roll my eyes.
“Mom…” I warn her with my voice, and she sighs.
“Fine. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. Your dad and I are excited to see you,” She tells me, and I smile. “You can bring your friend too, we want to see him.”
I shake my head slowly.
“No one is coming home but me, sorry... But I’m excited to see you too. I also wanted to talk to you about something. Um, the football coach, he talked to me today.”
My eyes catch Bellamy who is no longer laying down but sitting up, his eyes on me, and not wavering at all. He connects his elbows to his knees, his clasped hands under his chin as he watches me. He’s gone from relaxed to rigid at the mention of Coach Corbin.
“The football coach? Well, what the hell did he say?” Excitement is very present in her tone.
“He said that my friend Bellamy had told him about me earlier this year, when he was talking about recruits,” I eye Bellamy, and his face doesn’t change.
He’s listening like a hawk, his face completely serious.
“Coach said he’s been keeping up with me, and all the teams I’ve worked with the past year, all the games I attend, and everything.
He asked me to stay for the summer and do the sessions with the football players.
.. The ones where all the NFL recruiters are at,” I hear her silence which only makes my heart sink.
“But I didn’t say yes yet... Because I’m supposed to be coming home, and I don’t want you and Dad to think-”
“Oh please... I was just thinking about that boy you call your friend... Who seems to be going up to bat for you to the coach... Kammi, I want you to say yes. At the end of the day, it’s up to you but I would tell you yes in a heartbeat.
Don’t say no because of us, say no for yourself, and yourself only. ”
I eye Bellamy, the only real reason I would say no.
“I just hadn’t really thought about it, about staying. It was set in my head, and now things have changed. I don’t know... I just wanted you to know.”
I think about the other things that have also changed as I look at Bellamy.
“Well, I’m glad you let me know. I’m proud of you, that’s amazing that he’s had his eye on you baby. And think, even if you don’t go I’m sure he’ll still want you for the season over all those half wits you call classmates,” She insults my peers and I crack into a smile.
“Thank you, Mom... I guess I’ll keep you updated,” I groan out loud. “I love you Mom.”
I never forget to tack that onto every phone call of ours.
“I love you. Bye, baby... Bye, Bellamy!” She calls out to him, and he smirks.
“Bye,” He calls out to her, and then the line disconnects.
I stay quiet after the phone goes dead. I look around me and nod my head beside him.
“Pass me that shirt?” I ask him, and he doesn’t budge.
I feel nerves skyrocket at the way he’s looking at me, “Please?”
He still doesn’t move.
“Fine. I’ll get it myself...” I start to move, and he reaches for it, holding it in his hands.
“You weren’t going to tell me?”
I shrug, “No because it doesn’t really matter. I probably won't go anyway.”
I hold my hand out for the shirt, watching his brows furrow.
“Why in the world would you say no? Isn’t this exactly what you’ve been working for all these years? This is a huge deal Ryn...” He tells me and I snatch the shirt from his hands.
“It is a big deal, but so is family to me. I just had no intention of staying this summer. I never said no, I said probably no. I don’t want to talk about it, Bellamy,” I shake my head.
I can’t talk about it. Not with him.
“I do... Were you just not going to tell me?” He asks again and I shrug and throw my hands down in front of me.
“I didn’t know what I was going to do at all and to be honest if I didn’t want to tell you I don’t have to. Because I don’t really have to tell you anything I don’t want to, you’re not my... You’re not my boyfriend, Bell. I’m allowed to keep things to myself.”
He presses his lips together and sighs.
“I’m very, very aware I’m not yours Kamryn. That doesn’t mean you have to keep shit from me. We were friends first, remember?” His tone is stronger now, and there’s a pang of guilt in my chest.
“You’re right we were friends,” I admit, feeling the weight in my words.
Were. I meant to say that too, mostly because it feels true.
We were friends, and now we’re confused.
Because I can’t be his friend now. I can’t be friends with people I want to sleep with.
He raises his eyebrows at my words, and I shake my head, not knowing if I meant it in the way it sounds now that I’m sitting here.
“Kamryn, you don’t have to tell me everything. You don’t have to give me everything. But something would be nice,” His words are more true than I’d like them to be.
“I don’t have to give you anything, because this is fake. It’s not real, and it’s just… It’s not fair for you to expect anything more,” I shut myself away, my walls building around me.
I say the things that might hurt him, just to get him to go. So he’ll stop asking me questions. I can’t tell him I don’t want to stay because of him. He’d never let that go.
“I have stuff to do...” I mumble the words, not looking at him.
“Are you asking for space Kamryn?” I nod to his words, annoyed that he can read me. “All you have to do is ask,” He stands up, and walks toward me.
He crouches down in front of me, and brings me forward, his hand on the back of my head. He kisses my forehead and then stands up again, grabbing his keys from the coffee table.
“You don’t have to try to hurt my feelings to get me to leave you alone.
I’m trying to be your friend. Someone who can be there for you, fake dating or not.
Right now, or months from now. I understand fear but you don’t have to shut everyone out,” He speaks softly and walks out of my apartment, leaving me alone.
I wonder how he’s always doing the right thing.
He’s not even mad as he leaves my place.
He offered to leave, and that’s not normal.
None of this is normal, especially not for me, and for once I feel practically helpless with all the decisions sitting in my lap.
I pull my phone out and invite Sienna over, needing girl time. Truly I need anything but Bellamy time.