Chapter 20
If I’m grateful for one thing, it’s my books.
My only way of escaping for a little while.
When I’m reading, I’m not worrying. I’m not dreading or remembering.
I can exist in another world, someplace where things make sense.
Where people don’t hurt each other for no reason, where they apologize for the things they’ve done—and if they don’t want to apologize, they end up paying for it in the end.
I think that’s the part I like best. Knowing the bad guys are always going to get what’s coming to them.
Sadly, real life isn’t that simple. I certainly know that for a fact.
I’m so deep in my latest favorite read that the knock on my bedroom door startles me.
I’ve been up here all day. Glad nobody has bothered me since that strange conversation earlier before the guys left the house.
I took advantage of that at the time, going down to grab something to eat when nobody was around to bug me.
That was hours ago, and now it’s dark outside the bedroom window.
Time sometimes slips away when I’m deep in a story, and that clearly happened today.
My heart sinks as I slide back into reality. There’s another knock, louder this time. “Did you fall asleep in there?” Colt barks.
And if I did? Would that be a crime? “No. Just busy.”
“If you’re hungry, come on down. We brought dinner back.”
Immediately, I feel defensive. They brought dinner, and they’re going out of their way to get me to come down to eat with them? There’s got to be something else going on. “I’m not hungry right now.”
Since it doesn’t seem like he’s going to go anywhere, I get off the bed and go to the door.
He’s wearing a pretty neutral expression when I look up at him, but I’m not fooled by that.
“Come on,” he grunts. “It’s just dinner.
Figured you might want to eat at a normal time instead of waiting until the middle of the night. ”
I wish I could trust him, either of them.
“Last time, it was just a party.” I make air quotations with my fingers in front of his face. “And you ended up forcing me to suck your brother’s dick.”
“I made you come too. Don’t forget that part.”
“I’d like to forget that whole night, actually. We don’t always get what we want. Which is happening to you right now because I’m not coming down for dinner.”
What the fuck are they up to this time?
“All right, let me rephrase the question.” Colt raises his hands and mirrors my air quotations as he speaks. “Get your ass downstairs. We are having dinner together like a fucking family.”
My molars grind together so violently that there is a one in three chance I’m about to crack a tooth. “I’ll be down in a minute,” I grit through my teeth. Fucking asshole.
It’s almost surprising when he doesn’t demand I follow him right away. He only saunters off, hands in his pockets.
What are they doing? There has to be something behind this. I hate how paranoid I’ve become, but I have to be. Not that it’s ever gotten me very far, though.
It would be foolish to accept this at face value, so I don’t.
I’m on my guard as I walk down the stairs.
Nix and Colt are talking, and I hear what sounds like paper bags rustling on my way to the kitchen.
I can’t help but imagine opening a container full of maggots or a dead rodent or something.
That’s how far they’ve sent me spiraling.
But no, it’s the aroma of garlic and tomatoes I pick up as I draw closer to the kitchen.
By the time I get there, the guys are already taking seats around the island in the center of the room.
“I wasn’t sure what you’d want,” Colt explains.
“But you seemed to like it that one night when we had chicken parmesan for dinner, so that’s what I ordered for you. Pasta, garlic bread.”
Nix grunts with his mouth full, gesturing to the other containers strewn across the island’s surface. “There’s other stuff here, too. Sausage and peppers, eggplant. Some salad.”
And it looks completely normal. My stomach is growling, my mouth is watering, and I wish I could enjoy this wholeheartedly. “Thanks for thinking of me,” I murmur sarcastically as I take a seat, grabbing for plastic utensils and napkins.
“We’re assholes, but we’re not complete assholes,” Colt assures me. I cut into my chicken, keeping my eyes lowered. We clearly have very different ideas about that.
“So you were saying earlier that you want to be a teacher?”
I glance up at him and nod, swallowing. Is that really how we’re going to do this? Simply make small talk like nothing ever happened? When Colt keeps staring at me, expecting an answer, I decide to play along. “Yeah, that’s the idea.”
“Do you have your classes set up yet for this semester?” Nix asks.
I can’t figure out how such seemingly innocent questions could be used against me, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to take any of this at face value. “Yeah, but right now, it’s your basic core classes. Math, psychology, stuff like that.”
“I’d want to get all that stuff out of the way.” Nix spears a sausage link from one of the containers and takes a bite without bothering to cut into it. “I hate math.”
Colt snorts, and it almost sounds like he’s about to choke on his food. “Maybe Leni should give you some tutoring.”
The very thought sends a chill down my spine. “So long as it’s elementary or middle school level. When you start getting into trig and calculus, I have a little bit of trouble, too.”
“I always hated algebra,” Colt grumbles. Nix mutters his agreement.
Is this really happening? It’s almost like we’re three people having a normal conversation.
“Elementary education is sort of generalized, but if I had to pick a focus, I think I’d want to be a history teacher,” I decide after taking another big bite of the chicken.
It’s delicious, cooked perfectly, and the pasta is al dente.
Sometimes, I don’t like pasta from takeout restaurants since it can be overcooked and watery, but this is delicious. I’m glad I came down now.
“History is just, like, memorizing stuff. Dates and whatnot.”
“It can be,” I agree, nodding to Nix. “But I like being able to piece events together. Like this war happened because of this and that from a hundred years earlier. When you look at it that way, it’s actually really fascinating.
Getting a feel of the big picture. I’m sure kings were out there making decisions they couldn’t imagine would lead their country to war in a hundred years, you know? ”
“What did they care? They’d be dead by then, anyway.” Nix always has a way of cutting to the heart of something.
“That’s true.” Just like how in a hundred years, nobody is going to care that I’ve been repeatedly hurt and humiliated.
My food doesn’t taste so great all of a sudden, but I know that’s just my thoughts coloring my feelings.
I need to stop thinking that way. I wish I could enjoy simple things like this without always being afraid.
“So what did you guys do today?” If they are in a friendly mood, I might be able to squeeze some useful information out to use against them later. “You said you had things to get done.”
“Oh, you know. Errands, stuff like that. We went to the gym.” The way Nix stresses that last word tells me he’s still bitter over me refusing the job.
“Am I really going to have to start working there again once our parents are back?”
“We were only trying to do you a favor,” Colt insists.
“And that’s really nice, but I felt like I was getting paid to do nothing. I want to feel like I’m actually earning my money.”
“Do you ever get tired of trying to do the right thing all the time?” Nix grumbles. I’m actually glad he did it, even if Colt shoots him a dirty look. I need to remember who I’m dealing with here. They might want to call a temporary truce, but that doesn’t change anything in the long term.
“No, I actually don’t. Maybe you should try to do the right thing sometimes.”
“Meh.” Nix shrugs. “Maybe you should try to be bad.”
Ignoring his comment, I turn my head back to Colt.
Plus,” I continue, “it’s good experience for me to work with kids. I can learn how to identify what their needs are. Not everybody learns the same way. It’s probably much better practice, figuring that out now than waiting until I’m in front of a classroom of twenty or thirty kids.”
“Like getting thrown in the deep end,” Colt muses, nodding slowly. “That doesn’t help the kids who really need it.”
“That’s right. That’s exactly it.” I’m almost pitifully relieved that he agrees with me, that he gets it.
This food is delicious, but what I really need to sustain me is being understood, being seen.
That’s what I’m starving for. Colt is probably playing on that, knowing the kind of predator he is. He finds a weakness and preys on it.
“It’s been a long time since I had something that good,” I admit, desperate to change the subject.
“That doesn’t surprise me. No offense, but your mom isn’t the best cook. I mean, she tries.” Nix grimaces, and the three of us chuckle together.
“We really didn’t have much to work with for a long time,” I remind them, even though he’s absolutely right.
But I do feel like somebody should defend her, at least in front of them.
If I was talking to a friend, my response might be different.
“And she only wanted to impress you guys, I’m sure. She went a little overboard.”
“She didn’t have to waste her energy.” I can’t tell if that means it wouldn’t have mattered either way because she was never going to impress them or that she didn’t need to try so hard because they like her.
I’m going to go with the first one since I find it hard to believe these two could like anybody.
I doubt anyone could ever live up to their expectations.
“I hope you didn’t fill up too much for dessert because we got cannoli. Their cannoli is excellent.” Nix gets up and goes to the refrigerator, where a small box sits. He takes it out and opens it, leaving it in front of me. They really do look good.
“What the hell? You only live once, right?” I take one and sink my teeth into the sweet cream and crispy shell.
“Oh, yeah. This is great.” I set it aside after a few more bites, figuring I can eat it later while I’m reading.
Though, right now, I feel kind of tired.
It must be all the stress I’ve been under.
Maybe I’ll call it early tonight and try to get some sleep.
I’m sure all the pasta I just inhaled isn’t helping.
When the doorbell rings, my head swings back and forth between them. “Are you expecting anybody?” I ask, already halfway off the stool.
“Oh, yeah. We invited some people over.”
My feet hit the floor—soon followed by my knees. I grab for the counter to try to hold myself up, but my legs are like jelly. “What the hell?” I whisper, looking down at my useless legs. They seem too far away for some reason. And why is the room spinning?
Colt walks past me without so much as a glance, and before long, I hear a lot of voices overlapping. Excited voices, laughter.
Someone crouches in front of me. My head falls back when I try to look up at them, and through my blurry vision, I see Nix grinning.
“You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?
” he asks, shaking his head. “You’re so fucking gullible.
Like we give a shit about what you’re doing in school. Please.”
I can barely keep my eyes open. “I don’t understand…”
“Yeah, that’s pretty obvious. But don’t worry.
You’ll be out cold during our party, so we won’t disturb you.
” He laughs when I try and fail to speak.
“You were right about one thing, though. You made a pig of yourself. I didn’t think you’d eat the whole container, or I wouldn’t have put so much in your food. ”
So much of what? I can’t ask, my tongue thick and useless. What did they give me? Why did I trust them?
Colt reappears, followed by a handful of guys I vaguely recognize from school.
They were on the football team, weren’t they?
And they’re carrying cases of beer and paper bags full of bottles that jangle together.
“You’re not going to get in the way tonight,” Colt says as his friends spread out around the kitchen.
All I can do is close my eyes and give up, letting the darkness overtake me. It’s not like I have a choice.