Chapter 32 #2
“I can help you if you want.” Clearly, he’s not going to back down on this.
I guess in the end, he’s trying to do it for me, so I can’t be mad.
Instead, I roll to my side, facing away from him, then work my pants down all over my hips while he squirts lube on the new plug. This cannot be over quickly enough.
“Breathe out,” he tells me, and a moment later, I feel his fingers back there.
He gently but firmly pulls the plug free, and I gasp in surprise as my nerve endings fire all at once.
It’s not an unpleasant sensation, but there’s no way I could possibly enjoy it under the circumstances.
Now that the plug is out, I feel… open. It’s so weird.
I flinch at the sensation of the cool lube touching my asshole. “I want to make sure this goes in easily,” he murmurs in explanation. “Now, just like before. Breathe out and relax.”
I close my eyes and do what he says, gripping a pillow tight. To my relief, it doesn’t hurt. The pills were a great idea.
“See? Nothing to it. And now you’ll be in better shape for tonight.
” He goes into the bathroom and washes his hands, but to my surprise, he comes back to the bed rather than leaving me alone.
Honestly, I’m not sure which I’d rather have him do right now.
It isn’t exactly that I want to be alone all the time, but if the alternative is talking to him?
He doesn’t stop at sitting with me, either. No, he stretches out across the bed, lying beside me. “Do you want me to do it now?”
“Huh?”
“Fuck your ass?”
“Why in the world would I want you to do it now?”
“I’d be gentle. It would be just the two of us. It’s your first time, so I thought it might help.”
I’m still on my side, facing him. He is on his back, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. From this angle, I get a perfect shot of his profile. Strong jaw, soft lips, a smooth-shaved face, and eyes that hide so many dark thoughts.
I take a few deep breaths, taking in the fresh scent of his shampoo and aftershave while trying my best to figure him out. What could possibly be going on in his head?
And then it clicks.
It’s your first time, so I thought it might help. He’s referring to my first time with anal today, but what about my actual first time?
“The night of the rehearsal dinner. Did you have sex with me because you thought it would be easier on me?”
“Yes,” he flat-out admits. “We knew you were a virgin, and we figured it would be better for you this way.”
“We?”
“Nix and I.”
I take a minute to let that sink in. My whole perception shifts, and I remember what happened that night in a different way.
I don’t know what to think. I didn’t want it to happen like it did, but thinking about how my first time would have been downstairs with James watching has bile rising in my throat.
Colt turns his head toward me. Our eyes lock.
“Was I wrong?”
“No, but it doesn’t make it less bad. None of this should happen.”
“It was the best-case scenario I could think of at the time.”
Part of me wants to ask him why Nix wasn’t there, but an even bigger part doesn’t, so I remain quiet.
“How are you feeling? Are you still crampy?”
“Yes,” I admit. “But it’s not too terrible today. I’ve had worse days.”
“What does it feel like?”
“Are you seriously asking me that question? Or are you just screwing with me?”
“I want to know. I always hear girls talking about cramps, but I don’t know what it feels like.”
“It’s kind of like having a stomachache you can’t get rid of,” I explain, even if that doesn’t quite describe it.
“I mean, it’s a muscle, you know that, right?
A uterus?” He grimaces a little at the word but nods anyway.
“So it cramps up. It tightens. And sometimes, it feels like there’s something kicking me half to death from the inside out. ”
“That sounds like hell.”
“It’s even better that you’re supposed to walk around like everything is normal and you feel fine. And that’s only one symptom. You don’t want to hear about some of the other ones.”
“That really sucks.”
It’s definitely a surprise when he reaches out and places a hand on my stomach. “Do you need anything else? You didn’t really eat very much lunch.”
“I usually feel nauseous on my first day. Another lovely symptom. Besides…” My throat tightens up, and my tongue is heavy and clumsy. How am I supposed to have an appetite when I know what’s going to happen later?
“You know, I wanted to apologize for something.” He won’t look at me, just at my stomach, which he rubs in slow, gentle circles.
It’s almost sweet. “When I let Deborah write on you after the wedding. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have let that happen.
We should have never brought her home. Shit, we shouldn’t have invited her to the wedding. ”
Am I hallucinating? Or did he seriously just say that? “For real? That’s what you’re apologizing for?”
“It was a shitty thing… and unnecessary. I’m sorry.”
“After everything you’ve done to me, you’re apologizing for that?
That’s probably the least of what I’ve had to deal with.
” I can’t help but laugh—quietly, gently since I’m still in that warm, fuzzy place the pills have taken me.
I’m only dimly aware of how hilarious and sad it is at the same time, hearing him apologize for something so trivial in the grand scheme of things.
Back before James came home, and things took this sickening twist?
Yes, I would have appreciated an apology.
Now, I haven’t even given it a moment’s thought. It’s amazing how quickly perspectives can shift when all hell breaks loose and everything falls apart the way my life has the past several days.