Chapter Eighteen #2
Why? Could it be down to what happened yesterday?
I finally got closure on the Hamish chapter of my life, but in doing so have I somehow changed the course of my future for good?
Did that one conversation with Hamish have knock-on effects for the next ten years which have somehow led to Callum now not being here?
Am I going to have to go back to that Monday too, and redo it?
That thought makes me feel physically sick and I know, somewhere deep in my gut, that I can’t make any more changes to the day I waved Hamish off. I got that right, I just know I did.
So why the hell is this happening, now?
I desperately try to reason this out, to make sense of the situation.
There are some things today that haven’t changed, I know that for sure.
My flat, my job, the fact that Callum does work for Kat.
That’s all still true. So why hasn’t he been sent on this trip?
Kat sounded genuinely baffled when I suggested it on the phone just now.
She knows we don’t get on and yet this time around, she’s decided that’s a reason to keep us apart, not force us together.
Right at the point where I actually want us to be together.
Need us to be together.
Something’s changed. And I can’t blame Hamish this time around.
The more I think about what happened during Monday Six (Ten Years Ago) the more certain I am that I did the right thing.
In spite of everything, and I include the fact that I am a sweaty confused mess right now, I still feel better because of what went down.
I feel so much lighter. So, is this the pay-off?
Is it one or the other? Ditch Hamish and Callum also has to go?
I kick my feet out in front of me despondently.
I need help. I need my best friend.
‘Penny,’ I say as she accepts the video call.
‘Nina? What time is it?’ She yawns. ‘Are you drunk on plane wine yet?’
My bottom lip wobbles as the soothing sounds of my best friend fills my ears.
‘I miss you so much,’ I sniff.
‘Love, you literally saw me last night. Remember? You needed help choosing which exact pair of cashmere socks would go best with your travel outfit.’
‘You chose the ones with little hearts on,’ I say fondly.
‘Yes, I did, because I love you. What’s up? You look sad.’
‘I’m having a bit of a time of it,’ I say.
‘Who do you need me to kill?’
I let out a snotty laugh. ‘No one. I’ve sort of been vanquishing my own demons left right and centre.’
‘Okay, but I’m ready to Thelma and Louise the shit out of any situation, you just say the word.’ Penny beams at me. ‘Anyway, what demons? Who have you vanquished?’
Deep breaths.
‘Pen, could you do me a favour and just suspend belief for a bit? I’m going to say some things that might sound a hundred per cent insane.’
Penny chuckles. ‘Tell me something I don’t know. You say insane things all the time, love. For example, you’re the only woman I know who does not love skirts with pockets. What is with that?’
‘Pockets make them bulky.’
‘Stop it. And you don’t like gingham.’
‘It reminds me of primary school uniform! Are all your Nina’s insane arguments going to be fashion-based?’ I pout.
‘You like to talk … on the phone.’ She pulls a case-in-point face.
‘I like to talk full stop! It’s nice to have a conversation.’
‘Not on the phone.’ Penny looks disgusted. ‘You are the only person I make an allowance for.’
‘Okay, fine!’ I huff. ‘I am a completely insane, pocket-hating, phone-loving, gingham-averse weirdo. Is that better?’
‘Yes. And I love you all the more for it. Now, what’s up? I’m all ears.’
‘Right …’ I chew my lip. ‘Here’s the thing. You know Callum Bang?’
‘Dr Evil, yes.’
‘What if I said that we’ve been bonding lately?’
‘Since when? Because you were moaning about him literally last night, like you do every Sunday night before work.’
‘Do I?’
‘Like clockwork.’
‘Oh. Okay. So, let’s just say that he and I got stuck in a time loop and the more time I spent with him, the more I wondered if I actually didn’t hate him at all. What would you say to that?’
‘I’d say, what drugs are you taking?’
‘Maybe just ignore the time loop bit and focus on the emotional aspect, instead?’
‘Okay.’ Penny sits up in bed and eyeballs me. ‘I’d say that I was not surprised. Like I said, you talk about him a lot. A lot. There’s a very fine line between love and hate, you know? And ever since Callum came on the scene, you’ve been talking about your ex a lot less.’
‘Nice Neil?’
‘I’d almost forgotten about him! No, not Nice Neil, I’m talking about Hamish.’
I bite my lip some more. ‘Really?’
‘If you didn’t keep reminding me how much you hate Callum, I’d have thought he might be The One.’
‘Seriously?’
Penny nods.
My head is spinning with a possibility itching to be explored. Like creeping ivy, it keeps popping back up every time I try to shut it down. The possibility that Callum isn’t coming back, full stop. That I’m stuck here for ever and he’s already found his way out.
‘So, here’s the thing. What if I’d managed to deal with the Hamish thing. To cut ties, and cut him loose, and give myself a second chance at the last ten years of my life, without holding Hamish to this gold standard all the time?’
‘I’m all for that, love. Lord knows we’ve heard enough about that arse to last us a lifetime.’
‘But what if, in doing so, I’ve lost my chance with Callum, too? Because he’s meant to be here with me on this trip and now I’m worried that he had his own return to the past yesterday, and has somehow changed the course of his future too, and now he’s living in a parallel time ten years ago?’
‘This is all very dramatic.’ Penny says, looking both sleepy and confused.
‘I know! My brain aches! Or what if I’ve killed Callum off? What if I’ve meddled so much with this stupid ruddy Monday that Callum is somehow dead? Wait, no, that can’t be right because I just talked to Kat and there’s no way she would have been making a green juice if her nephew had died.’
‘I think you might need some carbs,’ Penny says thoughtfully.
I’m going through the motions as we talk, travelator, departure gate, rowdy divorce party.
All this stupid airport stuff all over again.
It’s all the same. Everything is the same except the one person I would like to see on repeat is not here and I’ve totally fucked it, haven’t I?
I have thoroughly effed up my chances of getting out of here alive or sane or preferably both by arsing around, focusing on the wrong thing.
‘It’s hopeless, Pen. There’s no point even wondering where Callum is, or how to get out of here, because I’m stuck here forever.’
‘Nothing is hopeless,’ she says firmly. ‘Nina, do you hear me? You are Nina Moss and you are smart and brilliant. It’s okay to feel like this.
Yes, you spent a lot of time banging on about the wrong guy, but sounds to me like you might have found the right guy now.
I’m actually thrilled you’ve finally figured it out because if I had to hear one more story about the level of volume Callum Bang creates when he types, I’d scream. ’
‘He is such a noisy typer,’ I say fondly.
‘Just … cut yourself some slack, yes? Not everything needs to be done at a hundred miles an hour. Get on the plane, try to get some rest, and I’m sure you’ll be feeling better tomorrow.’
If there ever is one, I think.
‘Okay. Thank you, Pen.’
‘Is that all you need me for?’
I snort with laughter at this. Only my best friend could happily assimilate all this mad information so easily.
‘No,’ I say. ‘I need to know how you are feeling. Are you wobbly about work today?’
She frowns at me.
‘How did you know?’
‘I told you! This is not my first rodeo.’
Penny eyes me suspiciously. ‘I’m going to need you to tell me tonight’s lottery results as proof.’
‘How have I not thought to do that?’ I gasp.
‘You’re not thinking straight.’ She shrugs. ‘Maybe get a green juice, too?’
I bob my head up and down, promising to do as I’m told.
Satisfied, Penny yawns again. ‘I’m not feeling great about work, since you ask. No clue why. I usually love it. Do I need carbs and a green juice too?’
‘Always a good idea. Will you do me a favour, please? Write down all the things you love about work, and all the things you hate about it. And then, when I get back, we are blooming well going through that list and figuring out exactly what to do to make things better.’
Penny’s looking at me curiously.
‘Promise?’ I say.
‘Promise. Okay, love you, byeee.’
Standing at the gate, I look out at the plane about to take me on the longest haul of my life.
Penny’s right, I did spend so long banging on about the wrong guy.
I’d worked so hard on trying to get back with the one that got away that I failed to see the actual good person right in front of my eyes and now I am doomed.
What was the point of it all? Why did I even bother?
Oh my God, I should be laughing really. Silly me!
What a fool! A decade of my life spent not appreciating the things I had achieved, because the past seemed so much better, and it turns out I was wrong all along.
The past wasn’t better; I’d just literally had one nice summer by the questionable standards of a dizzy twenty-year-old with great breasts and decided that nothing would top that.
I have spectacularly failed to see the wood for the trees.
I have suffered from a serious case of grass is greener and I don’t even much like grass because of all the hay fever!
And now I’m about to board the first of two very long and tedious flights to Australia with no one to argue with-slash-love to hate by my side. Dejected and actually quite frightened now, I board the flight.
Callum’s gone.
I missed my chance.
And my heart has shattered into stupid little pieces.