Chapter Sixteen #2
‘The crux of the matter is,’ he continued in the wake of Tobias’ silence on the subject, ‘that Mr Harber made a couple of comments about me. He was making the point to her family that I am not worthy of Sophia. Which, obviously, I am not. She deserves someone… someone… well, someone better than me. But also, someone who is better than him. I mean, a man that lets a woman like that get snapped up by me is an idiot.’ That casual disregard of Sophia as a person was probably at the centre of Christopher’s dislike of the man.
How Robert could overlook such a jewel when she was practically in his hand was beyond Christopher.
There could be no other reason for his antipathy because, on the surface, Robert seemed like a decent enough person.
Somehow he would have to connive a way for Robert to get it into his head that he needed to elope with Sophia.
The scandal would be hard to endure for a while, but was it any worse than her ending their betrothal?
Possibly not. Regardless, there was no need for the hot anger burning through him.
Robert would make a comfortable husband and, as that was what Sophia wanted, Christopher should be fine with that too.
Yet, he wasn’t. In his eyes, Sophia didn’t need comfortable; she needed someone who would support her and make her laugh every day. She had the most beautiful laugh he had ever heard, and he somehow doubted Robert was the one to bring that out of her.
Tobias made the go on gesture again and Christopher realised he had started staring at the rug again.
He should put the glass down and leave the last remnants of the brandy in it.
He should go to bed and sleep off the strange malaise which seemed to be gripping him.
But the brandy had a hold of him and it was far stronger than his common sense.
He was going to keep talking. Something a sober part of his brain was telling him he would regret in the morning.
Right now, it felt good to get all this off his chest, like scratching an insect bite.
You knew it would make things worse in the long run, but it was damned satisfying at the time.
‘Robert pointed out that I like to enjoy myself. And I do. I make certain that fun is part of my daily life, and why not? I have no obligation to provide an heir and life is short; we all know that. We only have to look at our parents and Sebastian to see the evidence that everything we know can be gone in a moment. I do not want to be tied down with responsibility when I could be out laughing and relishing every damned moment. I will not apologise for that. But…’
Tobias shifted forward in his seat. He may not be saying anything but Christopher had the impression his brother was paying deep attention. Whether that was a good or a bad thing, time would tell.
‘A month or so ago, I was in a race to Brighton with some friends.’
‘You won.’
Christopher wasn’t so far gone in his cups as to be surprised by Tobias’ statement.
‘How did you know that?’ He shook his head; that didn’t matter.
‘I did win, yes. The conditions favoured me, and the greys were well matched for the journey. But Lambert got hurt on the way. Broke both his legs. If we had not been racing, that would not have happened. Mr Harber managed to bring it up, casually, of course, but it highlighted that the race had been a folly.’ Christopher took a final swig of brandy, the last of the drink burning his throat.
He was ashamed of the next bit of the story, but he might as well keep going now that he had started.
‘One thing Mr Harber didn’t know is that I have not been to visit Lambert to see if he is recovering.
His reminder about the race brought that to the forefront of my mind and it made me think…
’ It had made him think that he was perhaps not as good a person as he might want to believe.
Surely a decent gentleman would go and visit someone who was laid up?
As the winner of the race, it could be said that he had a moral obligation to do so.
‘Is this Lambert a friend?’ Tobias asked.
‘No. I barely know him. He runs around with the Yardley set.’ Tobias pulled a face and Christopher nodded.
They were not a good group of men, known to sometimes be cruel and sometimes careless.
And this was yet another thing that had begun to bother him.
If those men were the sort of people with whom he associated, even loosely, what did that say about his character? ‘But should I not have…?’
‘The White Hen,’ Tobias broke in.
‘What? Oh, you mean that Lambert was at The White Hen sinking pint after pint before getting into his carriage. Yes, he apparently had drunk so much ale he did not realise there was anything amiss when he first fell.’
Tobias lifted his hands, as if to say, there you go.
‘Fine, so I was not there. I certainly had nothing to do with drinking. A man should always be in control of his horses, if for no other reason than he must care for the animals. But I am associating myself with them.’ He ran a hand over his face.
If he’d thought talking about this would make him feel better, then he was very much mistaken.
If anything, he was feeling worse about himself.
‘I want to enjoy myself. I want to live a life that is happy and full of laughter, but if things and people are wounded in the process, the price is not worth it.’ He placed his empty glass on a side table and pressed his hands together.
‘I am worried that, in all this, Sophia will be the one who gets hurt. Not because I plan to do anything terrible, but because I went into this evening thinking it would be fun to act the fool, and I ended up… in truth, I ended up a fool.’
Tobias’ long exhale seemed to go on forever. Just when it appeared as if the duke would not speak after all, he said, ‘Sebastian’s death hurt all of us in different ways, but I think it has hit you hardest.’
For Tobias, that sentence was practically a speech. That it was deeply unrelated to the topic was frustrating. ‘That was not what I…’
Tobias held up his hand. Christopher waited for him to say something and then waited some more.
Eventually, his brother continued, ‘You are a good man, Christopher. You looked up to Sebastian and then he was gone. I should have done more to support you but…’ Tobias closed his eyes for a moment.
‘Do not shape your life believing it has to be a certain way, just because of past events. Open yourself to other possibilities.’ Silence fell.
Christopher waited for more, but that appeared to be the end of Tobias’ advice.
Leaning slowly back into the seat, he tried to make sense of his brother’s words and how it was relevant to his current situation.
The brandy tugged on his senses, making it hard to concentrate on anything other than closing his eyes.
At some point, he must have staggered to bed, because he awoke the following morning with a terrible headache and no further idea on what to do for the best.