Chapter Twenty-six
It didn’t matter how long Sophia stared at herself in the mirror, her reflection provided no answers to the questions tumbling around her mind.
The self-imposed ending to her and Christopher’s betrothal was looming and she still had no idea how to end it with the minimum amount of scandal.
It had to be doable. Lives could not be ruined because of a simple mistake.
Yet, every path she thought of was wrong somehow.
When a knock sounded at her door and her maid told her that Tabitha had come to pay her a visit, she was vastly relieved not to have herself for company any longer.
On top of all the worries about her future, the amount of time she had spent reliving the journey home from the Albrighton ball was becoming tiresome.
Or rather, remembering it was still as wonderful as it had been the thousand other times she had thought about it, but the doe-like expression she saw on her face in the mirror was downright sickening.
She was not some green girl straight out of the nursery.
This was her third Season; women in their third Season did not mope after men.
It did not matter how handsome they were.
It was especially bad to pine after someone with whom you had decided not to fall in love and with whom you were plotting to end your forced betrothal.
Christopher would be mortified for her if he knew just how many times she had been thinking of it.
She was so pleased to see her dearest friend that she threw her arms around her and gave her a tight hug.
‘Oh dear,’ said Tabitha into Sophia’s hair. ‘Is it that bad?’
Sophia surprised herself by bursting into huge, messy tears, the sort which came from the pit of her stomach and which were in no way ladylike. To her credit, Tabitha asked no questions, only stroking her back and murmuring soft, soothing words that made no sense.
‘It is all such a mess, Tabitha,’ she said, when she finally got herself under control. Her voice was thick and croaky and she cleared her throat several times. One of her sisters was bound to come in and if they sensed the potential for gossip, they would not leave her alone.
‘Let us sit down, have a lovely drink of tea and some of your cook’s delicious fruit bread. There is not a problem in the world that cannot be solved by eating cake.’
Sophia did not think anything would provide her with the answers she needed, but she allowed herself to be led over to the settee and for Tabitha to hand her a plate with a few slices on it.
The warm liquid soothed her throat. She thought she might not be able to manage the cake, due to a lump in her throat which felt like an impenetrable boulder, but the fruit burst on her tongue and she managed to swallow a bite and then another.
‘I am not going to marry him,’ she said, after a few minutes of silence. ‘Lord Christopher, that is.’
Tabitha’s face drained of colour, her own cake falling from her fingers.
‘You are not going to elope with Robert Harber, are you?’ She put her plate down on the table, leaning forward and looking Sophia directly in the eye.
Sophia wanted to glance away from the intense stare, but if she was going to be truthful with her friend, she needed to be able to bear the scrutiny.
‘Tell me, Sophia. I mean, I was all for The Plan to marry him until I met him. Oh, he is a dear man, and I am sure he will make someone a lovely husband, but he is completely wrong for you. Please tell me you have made no irrevocable plans with him. Please.’
‘What is wrong with Robert?’ Sophia had only introduced them briefly, and she had not realised Tabitha had formed such a strong opinion of him.
‘There is nothing wrong with him as such. But…’ Tabitha dropped her gaze to her hands on her lap. ‘Oh, Sophia, I am not sure I should continue. If you truly love Robert, then I will support you, even if I think he is not right for you.’
‘I have not made plans to elope with him, and I have no intention of doing so. But I would like to know why you think he and I are not a good fit.’ If Tabitha could see it, then perhaps she had at least got one thing right in this whole mess.
Tabitha’s shoulders slumped in relief. ‘I am glad to hear it. For though I could see that he was a kind man, who would be a pleasant husband, he was thoroughly interested in his passions and his passions alone. While you stood and smiled as he talked, he never asked a question about you. When I imagined you married to him, I could see your personality slowly being eroded away into his.’
That was a little harsh. Tabitha had barely spoken to him. ‘I like to think I have more backbone than that.’
Tabitha raised an eyebrow and Sophia was momentarily distracted by the thought that everyone seemed able to do that but her. She had tried, because it did look like a useful skill, only to find that she looked ridiculous in the mirror. ‘Why are you looking at me in such a way?’ she asked.
‘You always allow yourself to be pushed around.’
Sophia was momentarily winded. ‘I do not.’
Tabitha took Sophia’s hands in hers. ‘You are one of the loveliest people I know. You are kind and generous, and you forgive so easily it is painful to watch. I am willing to bet all the pin money I have received this Season that you have not said a cross word to Marrisa, despite the fact that it is her fault you became betrothed to a man you did not know.’
‘I…’ Sophia had certainly said cross words to her sister in her head, but she doubted Tabitha would accept that.
‘Well, have you?’
‘No. I have not. I know I should have done, because she really should not have come up with the idea to trap the Duke of Glanmore into marriage and that was utterly unacceptable. But I do think…’
‘No, Sophia. That is not what I meant. You should be angry with her because she is the reason you became betrothed to a stranger. Admittedly, a very handsome, very funny stranger, who is a far better fit for you than Robert Harber. But that was down to pure luck and not the way Marrisa planned for the evening to go.’
‘It was her idea to trap His Grace into marriage, but it was not her fault I decided to act.’
Tabitha squeezed her hands. ‘Marrisa had a hairbrained scheme and would not listen to reason. If you had not done what you had, it would be her betrothed to Lord Christopher instead of you and, that, my dear friend, would have done no one any good.’
Something cold and sharp wrapped itself around Sophia’s heart at the thought of Christopher and her sister engaged.
Marrisa would not have let him go either; she would not appreciate that keeping Christopher in a cage of marriage would have been a sure way to slowly destroy him.
Christopher was meant to be free. It was for the best that it was she who had found him that day, because she would have the strength of character to let him follow his dreams. Marrisa only followed her own and they would not suit at all.
‘See,’ said Tabitha when Sophia said nothing. ‘I can see you doing it now. You are talking yourself out of being angry with your sister for trapping you in an impossible situation.’
‘It is not impossible. I am not going to marry him.’
Tabitha dropped her hands and leaned back in the chair. She seemed to stare into the middle distance, but Sophia sensed she had more to say. Shortly, she was proven correct. ‘And what is going to befall you and your family when this almighty scandal becomes apparent?’
‘It will only fall on me. I shall retire to the country for a Season or two. Women have made worse decisions and gone on to have families.’
‘Retire to the country! Do you hear yourself? You are only one and twenty, not some old maid. And you are wrong if you think this scandal will only affect you.’
Tabitha didn’t seem to be getting this. Her decision was for the best. She had no intention of tying herself to a man who would come to despise her for trapping him.
They would both be miserable for the rest of their lives.
If she had to have a quiet few years while Society forgot about her, then so be it.
She would not marry a man who did not love her, not when she was beginning to develop feelings for him.
It would be a living hell. ‘Lord Christopher does not want to marry me. I will not tie him into that so that the next few years of my life are filled with balls.’
‘You were not in that conservatory by yourself, Sophia. Lord Christopher was there too. It is not down to you to sacrifice your own happiness and to do something that could potentially lead to the ruination of your sisters. No, stop shaking your head. You are doing it again. Putting someone else’s needs before your own.
What do you really want, Sophia? Do you want to live in the middle of nowhere or do you want to be Lady Sophia, wife of Lord Christopher, last in line to the Glanmore dukedom and spending your life with the person who makes you laugh more than anyone else in the world? ’
Sophia closed her eyes, not wanting Tabitha to see what was in her soul, because yes, she could picture it.
In this version a lifetime with Christopher stretched ahead of her, full of shared laughter, ridiculous stories and kisses that burned her soul.
It was a version that could never happen.
They did not love each other. Any marriage between them would be based on a mistake.
Or perhaps she did love him; maybe that was what this was about.
To truly love someone, you had to let them be themselves and if that involved sisterly love and allowing them to make catastrophic mistakes, or romantic love and letting them go and live the lives they wanted, then that was what it took.
Before she could formulate this in a way that Tabitha would understand, Peterson knocked on the door. ‘Lord Christopher is here to see you, Miss Jacobs. Are you at home to him?’
Sophia’s heart began to slam against her ribs.
She should send him away until the ground felt solid beneath her feet once more.
Everything Tabitha had said had left her feeling raw, like a fresh cut on sensitive skin.
And yet… and yet, they had so little time left together that if she did not see him, then she was wasting it.
‘Please do send him up. Tabitha will chaperone.’
Peterson nodded and withdrew.
Tabitha took a sip of her tea, watching her steadily.
They had never spoken so frankly before and Sophia wondered if their relationship had changed forever.
Would Tabitha still want to be her friend when the scandal over the broken betrothal became common knowledge in the Ton?
They had been friends for so long, but just like with Robert, this could be another relationship she was about to lose.
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask how she felt about their friendship, when Christopher’s heavy footsteps in the hall outside reached her and the words remained unsaid.