Chapter 1 Lawson
LAWSON
PRESENT DAY
I blinked against the early morning sunlight streaming through my bedroom window and tried to shift the weight off my bad shoulder—the one I’d hurt playing ball in high school—only I couldn’t move. Hell, I could barely breathe with the tiny foot shoved into my diaphragm.
A six-year-old shouldn’t have that kind of strength. But Charlie slept wild, like some wildebeest trapped in a cage. He kicked and punched. He’d even given me a black eye one night. That had been interesting to explain at the station.
Currently, he’d twisted himself sideways in my California king, so I had less than a foot of space and had his heel planted firmly in my gut. At least, it wasn’t the face this time.
My alarm blared on my nightstand, and I reached over the small lump in my bed to shut it off. My eyes burned as if someone had poured acid into them.
Coffee. I needed coffee. Preferably an IV drip I could carry around with me all day.
As I shifted to lay back on the pillow, Charlie jerked, his legs lashing out, one striking me directly in the balls.
The strangled noise that escaped my throat sounded like a wounded animal going through puberty. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I tasted blood.
Charlie stretched, oblivious to the fact that he had just ended all possibility of me having any future children. Good thing the three I already had were enough.
He smacked his lips. “Morning.”
I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, waiting for the pain to pass.
Charlie’s brow scrunched. “You’ve got a funny face, Dad.”
I let one last breath out. “Just tired, bud.”
He grinned at me. “I slept great.”
Of course, he had. Even though I risked injury and possible death, I couldn’t say no when my six-year-old appeared at my door after having a nightmare.
I studied my little man, his dark hair sticking up in all directions. He had more nightmares than his older brothers seemed to have. A weight settled in my gut, worry that past events had somehow embedded the nightmares there.
Charlie flicked my nose. “Stop staring.”
I chuckled, tickling his sides. He squealed and jumped out of bed, a flash of color in his pajamas. They were his favorites, the ones covered in frogs. I’d had to order two more pairs because he refused to sleep in anything else.
“Daaaaaaaaad,” Charlie whined, but I heard laughter in his voice.
“Do me a favor and go wake up your brothers.”
A glint lit Charlie’s eyes—irises a blue so similar to mine. “Can I jump on them?”
“Whatever it takes, Charlie Bear.”
His grin was huge, and he let out some sort of war cry as he ran from my room.
I flopped back down on the mattress, my balls still aching. That kid would be the death of me.
My head throbbed, trying to think about the last time I’d gotten a full night’s sleep. I honestly couldn’t pull it from memory. Maybe the miracle would come this weekend. If Charlie was exhausted from his uncle’s wedding, and Drew and Luke didn’t pull something stupid.
I would sell a kidney for a good twelve-hour stretch of rest.
“Get the hell out of my room,” Luke bellowed from down the hall.
Shit.
I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of my bed. Twelve hours wasn’t coming anytime soon.
“You killed the Fruit Loops,” Luke growled at his younger brother.
Drew looked up from his phone with a shrug. “I was hungry.”
Luke turned his thunderous look at me. “And let me guess, we don’t have any more.”
My back teeth ground together as I moved toward the pantry.
I’d known the teenage years wouldn’t be easy, but it was as if Luke had morphed into a different human being when he turned sixteen.
He mainly communicated in grunts and scowls and never told me what was actually going on in that head of his.
It cut more than he’d ever know. He’d made me a father, and we’d always had a special bond. Fishing, hiking, camping. We did it all. Until he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me, seemingly overnight.
I scanned the pantry shelves: Cheerios. Cocoa Pebbles. Shredded Wheat. Cap’n Crunch. Kix. No Fruit Loops. I winced as I saw that while we had a world of cereal, we didn’t have much else. I needed to get to the grocery store. Stat. I grabbed all the boxes and headed back into the kitchen.
Depositing them onto the island, I met Luke’s pissed-off stare. “Bad news. No Fruit Loops. Good news? We’ve got every other cereal known to man.”
Luke shoved back his stool. “I’ll get something at school.”
I opened my mouth to argue but then closed it. I’d learned that I needed to pick my battles with Luke. And whether or not he ate breakfast at home was not the hill I wanted to die on.
Drew and Charlie didn’t seem to even register their eldest brother’s outburst. It happened so often that it was just background noise to them now.
Charlie had his nose shoved into a book about reptiles, and Drew’s fingers flew across his cell phone screen.
I’d gotten him the damn thing so he could let me know where he was or if one of his various sports practices ran late, but it was now permanently attached to his hand.
I turned around and scanned the counter. The bananas were way past their prime, but there was a lone orange in the bowl. I reached for it, removed the rind, halved it, then quickly put the pieces in bowls, shoving them at the two kids who still spoke to me.
“Do me a favor and eat something that isn’t just sugar and carbs so I don’t get fired as a dad, okay?”
Charlie giggled and popped a wedge of orange into his mouth. “Not fired.”
Drew made a face like he smelled something bad. “Oranges are gross.”
I stared at my thirteen-year-old. His hair swooped into his face in a way I knew the teen girls loved. It was a touch lighter than mine, closer to his mother’s color. Just that flicker of thought had anger surging, even after all these years. And quick on its heels came the guilt.
I did what I always did—shoved it all down to that place that would never be opened.
“Since when?” I probed.
Drew let out an exaggerated shiver. “Since I realized how gross all the strings are. It’s like chewing on one of Gran’s knitting projects.”
Charlie’s chewing slowed, and he spat the piece of orange back into the bowl. “Yuck.”
I sent Drew a withering stare. “Thanks for that.”
He just laughed. “Can’t help if I’m always right. It’s one of the main reasons the babes love me.”
I bent my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. If we made it through high school without a pregnancy scare, it would be a miracle.
“Dad, can Cady come over after school for a playdate?” Charlie chimed in.
“I think they’ve got a lot going on with the wedding tomorrow, bud.”
Charlie frowned. “Since Uncle Roan is marrying Cady’s mom, does that mean I can’t marry Cady?”
Drew choked on his cereal. “It’s kind of incestual, little dude.”
“What’s in-in-ses-tal?” Charlie asked, struggling with the word.
I glared at his older brother. “Remember what we talked about? Not all words are meant for little ears.”
Charlie’s face scrunched up. “I’m not little!”
Drew rolled his eyes. “If you’re still crawling into Dad’s bed because you had a bad dream, I’d say you’re little.”
Charlie’s face went red, and he dropped his spoon into his bowl. Sliding off the stool, he bolted for his room.
A muscle beneath my eye began to flutter. “Drew.”
My middle son met my stare. While his hair was more like his mother’s, his eyes were mine, through and through. “It’s true. You gotta stop babying him, or he’s gonna be sleeping with you until he’s twenty.”
I sighed. “He had a nightmare.”
“That doesn’t mean he can’t sleep in his own bed. And he wakes me up, tromping down the hall and turning on every light known to man because he’s scared.”
“I’m sorry he woke you up, but that’s no reason to make him feel bad about being scared. We’ve all been there. As I remember, you had a bout of being frightened of a green monster you thought lived under your bed.”
A little bit of guilt slipped into Drew’s expression, and his shoulders slumped. “Sorry. I’ll go talk to him.”
I clamped a hand on Drew’s shoulder. “You’re a good brother.”
One corner of his mouth pulled up. “Say that when you drop me off at school. Make sure the babes hear. They eat that big-brother stuff up.”
I smacked him lightly on the back of the head. “Don’t call women and girls babes.”
Drew’s mouth curved into a full grin. “It’s a term of endearment. They love it.”
I bet they did.
I pinned him with a stare. “We treat women with respect, and we don’t toy with their emotions.”
Drew held up both hands as he slid off his stool. “Total respect, bruh.”
“I’m your dad, not your bruh.”
Drew just chuckled. “Okay, Daddio. Where are my pads? I need to load my gear bag.”
A curse slipped free. I tried my best to keep my language clean for my kids, but every now and then, no other words worked. Like when you were supposed to wash your kid’s lacrosse pads and completely forgot.
“Dad,” Drew groaned. “Those pads reek, and Coach has a thing about doing our conditioning runs in them.”
I started toward the laundry room. “I’ll wash them now and drop your gear bag at school.”
Drew frowned. “Don’t you have work?”
“I’ve got interviews here this morning,” I said as I ducked into the laundry room.
“We don’t need a fucking nanny.” I heard Luke’s deeper tone from outside the room.
My spine stiffened, and I strode out, Drew’s pads in hand. “You say that word again, and I’ll take your electronics away for two days.”
Luke’s expression went hard. “You can’t do that.”
My brow rose. “It’s a privilege, not a right.”
“Everyone has a phone and computer. Taking them away is like putting someone in prison.”
I wanted to laugh. This kid had no idea how good he had it. I tried hard not to let the fact that we had a lot of money spoil my kids. They didn’t get everything they asked for and had to do chores for allowance, but they also had everything they needed.
I made a good living as the Cedar Ridge chief of police, but my dad’s previous outdoor company made it so my four siblings and I never had to worry about money. He’d sold it when I was in high school, which had set us all up for life. But the truth was, I rarely dipped into my trust fund.
It was one of the things that had annoyed my ex, Melody, the most. She hadn’t understood why I wanted to work. Why we didn’t go on lavish vacations every month or drive Lamborghinis.
I’d used some of my portion to buy this house. And I’d use it to send the boys to college. But other than that, I didn’t need it. I liked living simply.
My family had taught me time and again that it wasn’t physical belongings that mattered but the people you had around you and the experiences you shared.
“Whatever,” Luke mumbled, shoving something into his backpack.
He was the spitting image of me, but it was like looking at a stranger. He’d taken to wearing only black, and I’d caught him texting with a friend that he wanted to get a fake ID so he could get a tattoo.
A knock sounded on the door, but Luke ignored it. That muscle beneath my eye fluttered faster, but I didn’t say a word; I simply crossed the vast, open-concept living and kitchen space to get to the front of the house.
Balancing the gear in one arm, I barely managed to grab the knob. A light laugh greeted me as I opened the door.
“You okay there, big bro?” Grae asked as she slipped inside.
“Just fine and dandy,” I grumbled.
“Aunt G!” Charlie yelled, running down the hall.
He launched himself at her, and she caught him easily. “How’s my guy?”
“Good. What are you doing here?” he asked with a grin, his earlier hurt clearly forgotten.
“I’m taking you to school today, but I don’t think you can go in your PJs.”
I glanced at the clock on the wall and bit back another curse. They were going to be late. “Gotta hurry, Charlie Bear. Get changed and brush your teeth. I’ll come help, but I gotta get these in the wash.”
“I’ve got him,” Grae assured me. “You handle the laundry.”
Luke strode toward the door. “Can I wait in your car?”
Grae’s brow furrowed. “Sure. It’s unlocked.”
Luke was out the door without another word or even a backward glance at me. “Is he okay?”
Pain lanced me. “Teenager.”
But I wasn’t so sure that was it anymore. Something was off with Luke, and for the life of me, I couldn’t get him to tell me what it was.
Lately, it felt like I was failing more than I was succeeding with him, and it killed me. But I’d fight with everything I had to make sure my kids were safe, healthy, and whole. I’d battle to the death to ensure I never failed them again.