Chapter 2 Hallie
HALLIE
I spread my hand over the comforter, smoothing it. It was a little shabby-looking, fraying at the corners and faded from the sunshine that streamed through the window. If my brother knew where I was staying, he would not be pleased. He’d demand that I change to a nicer, more expensive place.
But I didn’t want that. Emerson and his husband, Adrian, had done more than enough for me over the past five years—more than anyone should have to. And they weren’t exactly rolling in it.
They were both teachers in Chicago. They’d met in grad school and had fallen head over heels for each other. My parents had already been displeased about Em’s career choice, but when he told them he was marrying a man, they’d cut him off completely.
As if I’d summoned evil by simply thinking about it, my phone dinged.
Mother
I called Emerson’s apartment. He said you weren’t there. Where are you, Halston?
I worried my bottom lip as I gripped my arm, my fingers tapping out a beat.
Me
I have a job interview.
Not a lie. I did have an interview. It was just hours away from where she thought I was.
Mother
What kind of job? I thought we agreed that the art world was your future. You know I have connections in several important galleries. That’s where you should be putting your focus.
I stared down at the phone, my vision going a little blurry. My fingertips tingled, a telltale sign I was headed for a panic attack.
No. Not today.
I focused on the space around me. Five things you can see.
“Nightstand. Lamp. Pillow. Book. Water bottle.”
I took a deep breath, and the tingling abated a smidge. Four things you can hear.
I listened carefully, picking up the faint strains of more than a few things. “Traffic. A door. The TV. A faucet dripping.”
Three things you can feel.
“Slippers. Sweater.” I let my hand drop to the bed. “Comforter.”
Two things you can smell.
“Musty.” I strained to smell anything beyond the old motel room. “Pine.”
Something about that hint of wood gave me a sense of peace, pushing back the panic trying to grab hold.
One final long breath escaped my lungs. I stared at the phone. If I got this job, maybe I would finally be brave enough to change my number and be done with her—with them.
My cell rang in my hand, making me jump. I cringed, expecting my mother’s number to flash across the screen. The pressure in my chest eased as I took in Emerson and that familiar Chicago area code.
Panic quickly followed when I saw that it was a video call. I scanned the room, looking for the best place to accept the call, a spot where he wouldn’t instantly be on alert that I was staying somewhere he wouldn’t consider safe.
I sat on the bed, kicking off my slippers. The headboard seemed pretty standard and undamaged.
Swiping my finger across the screen, I forced a bright smile. “Em.”
His familiar face greeted me. His blond hair was a few shades darker than my nearly white locks, but our gray eyes were practically identical. Unfortunately, worry filled his now. “Mom called.”
I winced.
He sighed. “I thought I’d beat her to you.”
One corner of my mouth pulled up. “She wants to know why I’m not going on interviews with the galleries she suggested.”
Emerson groaned. “Maybe because you think the gallery world is as interesting as watching paint dry?”
I grinned, the action easing some of the tension thrumming through me. On the drive out here, everything inside me had spun, constricting tighter and tighter. By the time I reached Washington, I’d felt like a spool of fishing line.
My brother studied me for a moment. “Are you okay? I could come out there. And you know you can always come back here.”
“Em—”
“I mean it. You’re our family. We love you more than anything. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”
I let out a slow breath, tracing one of the flowers on the comforter with my finger. “You’re starting your own family. You need the space to do that.”
Emerson and Adrian’s apartment was nice but not exactly spacious. It was crowded with the three of us, no matter how much I tried to stay out of their way. And if you added a baby into that mix, it would be too much.
“Adrian and I talked. There are a few suburbs we could move to—”
“No.” My voice was stronger than I’d heard it in a long time. “You love the city. The energy. The people. The food. You’re not moving to the ‘boring ol’ suburbs’ as you call them because of me.”
Em loved city life in a way that I never had. I’d always been partial to our family’s vacation home a few towns from here. The mountains had always made me feel like I could breathe and had the freedom to be who I truly was.
After my ordeal, everything set off my anxiety. Loud noises, crowded spaces. It didn’t make living in a city easy. I’d worked hard on all my triggers, but that didn’t mean I didn’t long for the peace of the mountains.
Emerson’s expression gentled. “I’m just not sure it’s healthy for you to be back there. There are a million places you could consider living. Illinois has plenty of lake communities—places that are only a couple hours’ drive from us.”
I heard what he didn’t say: Places where they could get to me quickly if I had a meltdown from being on my own.
I pressed my lips together, biting the bottom one as I tried to choose my words carefully. “I want to face it.”
I’d been working hard in therapy for the past five years.
Doing every exercise my therapist recommended and slowly increasing my tolerance for difficult things.
I’d managed to finish college, get a good job as a nanny, and even take a trip on my own.
These mountains had been my favorite place in the world. I wanted to reclaim them.
And the truth was, when I first saw them again through my windshield, I hadn’t felt anxiety. I’d felt wonder.
“That’s very brave of you, but—”
A dark brown hand clamped down on my brother’s shoulder in a squeeze, cutting off Emerson’s words. The gesture was affectionate and a warning all at once.
Adrian’s face filled the screen, then a wide grin spread across it. “How’s our girl?”
I sent him a grateful smile. “Good.”
“Have you explored the town at all yet? I looked it up yesterday, and it’s absolutely adorable.”
My fingers gripped the comforter, twisting. “Not yet. I’m pretty tired from all the driving.”
Or scared.
I’d order pizza and have it delivered to my room when dinner rolled around, and would have my pepper spray in hand when it arrived.
“I’m just going to rest tonight, but I’ll go out to get some breakfast tomorrow.” I’d give myself today, but if I stayed in this room much longer, I knew I’d never leave. Which would mean I’d miss my interview, and Emerson might really have to come and get me.
“I saw an adorable little coffee shop and café online called The Brew. Has all the Alice in Wonderland feels,” Adrian suggested. “It’s right downtown.”
I nodded my head for far too long, probably looking like some deranged bobblehead doll. “I’ll check it out and report back.”
Adrian’s amber eyes glowed with pride. “Try one of the double chocolate muffins for me. They look like heaven.”
My mouth curved in a hint of an authentic smile. “I think I can handle that.”
“What time is your interview tomorrow?” Emerson cut in.
“Ten.” My stomach did a series of somersaults. All I knew about the family was that they had three boys aged six, thirteen, and sixteen and needed help Monday through Friday with an occasional emergency thrown in.
“I don’t know if this is a good idea—”
Adrian cut Emerson off again. “The agency fully vets all their clients. And Hallie is amazing with kids. She was born to do this.”
Warmth spread through my chest at his words. There were times when I felt more comfortable around children than adults. There was no pretense. No pretending to be something you weren’t. No hiding the dark sides.
“If it’s meant to be, I’ll get it. If it’s not, then I’ll keep looking.” It was what I’d told myself time and time again. But the fact that my savings were limited kept me from fully believing it.
Emerson let out a long breath. “Okay.” He met my gaze through the screen. “They’d be lucky to have you.”
“Thanks, Em,” I whispered.
“Call us as soon as you’re done,” Adrian insisted. “We want to hear everything.”
The corners of my mouth pulled into a full smile. “You’ll be my first call as soon as I get back to my hotel room.”
“Knock ‘em dead,” he said as a sign-off.
Emerson just waved.
I hit end on the call and let the phone drop.
I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them hard. Sometimes, it helped keep the anxiety at bay, the hard pressure against my chest.
“You can do this,” I whispered into the room.
Releasing my legs, I picked up my phone again and opened the internet browser. I typed in The Brew, Cedar Ridge. The photos that popped up on my screen were beyond cute, and the menu had my mouth watering.
My heart began to hammer against my ribs, and my breaths came faster.
My eyes burned, tears of frustration trying to break free.
“One step at a time. What’s the next step?”
My voice was shaky, but the words helped. My hand trembled around the phone. Opening my maps app, I typed in The Brew.
Directions populated the screen, and I traced them with my gaze. It was only three blocks from here.
I surveyed everything I would pass along the way and envisioned the streets I’d seen when I drove in yesterday with their quaint shops and picturesque restaurants.
New was never easy for me. It was even worse if someone tried to push me into it. Precisely why I’d left my parents’ home and went to live with Emerson and Adrian. I needed to go at my own pace, and I’d found that if I practiced something in my mind before I did it, it wasn’t quite as scary.
I ran my gaze over the route twice more. “Tomorrow, you just take the next step.”
I surveyed what I’d need in the morning: the leather boots, my puffy jacket, and the hat from the chair in the corner. My focus shifted to the pepper spray on my nightstand. It wasn’t as if I thought someone would attack me on a Saturday morning in the downtown area of a small community.
I wanted to believe that thought. But I knew that bad things could happen when you least expected them.