Chapter 5 Lawson
LAWSON
I stared at the woman on my front porch.
Her presence was a sucker punch to the gut.
She had the kind of beauty that grabbed hold and scalded.
White-blond hair cascaded in waves around her shoulders.
Plush lips parted on an intake of breath.
Her cheeks were flushed, whether from cold or shock, I didn’t know.
It took me a beat to recognize her, longer than it should’ve, but she was older now. Changed.
The gray eyes did it. Ones that almost seemed silver as the sun caught her irises. They froze me to the spot.
Her face had haunted me for years. I’d wondered what’d happened to the young woman I’d found half-dead in the snow a county over. The one a madman had held.
It was the most twisted case I’d ever worked on. And it still taunted my memory. Maybe because it was so dark. Maybe because the hope I’d seen in her eyes had nearly broken me, hope that I would save her. I hadn’t been sure I could.
But here she was, standing on my front porch—a walking miracle.
The search shouldn’t have gone on for as long as it did, but her parents had held sway.
The kind of connections that only came with wealth and politics.
But I’d been glad they’d kept our search and rescue team on the case because she’d still been out there.
Alive. Many of the other women hadn’t been so lucky.
“I-I had no idea it was you,” she said.
I hated the tremble in her voice and how it spread to her hands.
“I didn’t either. The agency sent over the résumé of a Hallie Astor.”
She bobbed her head in a nod. “That’s what I go by now. It’s easier…”
Her words trailed off, but I knew what she meant. It was easier to keep people from making the connection. Easier to try to forget the past.
The press had been all over her back then.
A twenty-year-old college student missing in the dead of winter after half a dozen others had already disappeared that year.
The daughter of a federal judge, no less.
When we’d found her alive, it’d been mayhem.
And when the sick bastard who’d taken her remained at large, the media had gone feral in their search for him.
Hallie’s hands shook harder, making her whole body vibrate with the force of it.
Guilt swept in. Of course, this was hard for her. I was a reminder of the worst moments of her life. “We don’t have to do this. I’m sure you don’t want—”
Her eyes widened, that gray turning even more silver in the sunlight. “No.”
Her hand moved, seemingly without her permission, and landed on my forearm. She barely made contact, and it was through my damned flannel, but it burned.
Hallie’s eyes flared again as she jerked her hand back and stared at her fingers. “I’m sorry. I just meant…I’d like to still interview for the position. Unless you’re not comfortable with me—”
“No, I’m fine.” I wasn’t. Hell, my arm still tingled where she’d touched me.
It was the shared past. Trauma bonding. That was all.
I cleared my throat. “It’s just that I know a lot of victims would rather not have relationships with the people involved in their rescue. Especially when the cases are…”
“Messed up?” she offered.
A gentle smile pulled at my mouth. “Messed up is a good term for it. I just don’t want to make things worse for you.”
It was one of the reasons I’d never sought her out after the rescue. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had, though. I’d heard that her parents flew her back to their estate in the Chicago suburbs the moment she was well enough to leave the hospital.
Hallie quickly shook her head, sending those blond strands into her face. “You’re not making anything worse. I promise.”
I hated that the action hid her eyes from me. “Good. Come on in.”
Hallie tightly laced her fingers together as she followed me inside. I couldn’t help but watch her as she took in my home, her laser focus absorbing every detail.
She stopped her gaze on things I didn’t expect: a drawing Charlie had made in school, one of Drew’s lacrosse sticks leaning against the wall by the door, the blankets in a haphazard disarray on the couch.
Her eyes finally landed on a photo of the boys and me from a couple of years ago. “These are your sons? Charlie, Drew, and Luke?”
She already had one up on the drill sergeant from yesterday simply by using their names.
“Those are the hellions. They’re a lot bigger now.”
A smile played on Hallie’s lips, but she didn’t look away from the photo. “You can tell they love you.”
The photograph was from a family camping trip.
Nash had snapped it after we’d had an epic water fight in the river.
All four of us were soaking wet but wearing huge grins.
It was before Luke had turned to his stony silence.
Before Drew became consumed with sports and his babes.
The only one who still smiled at me like that was Charlie.
“They love me some of the time,” I said honestly.
Hallie’s gaze flicked to me. “That’s being a parent, I think.”
I nodded. “True.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it as if she wanted to say something but wasn’t quite brave enough. She swallowed, twisting her fingers tighter. “Is there another parent in the picture? A wife or husband?”
I grinned, fighting a chuckle. “No wife or husband.” The humor slipped away. “The boys’ mom isn’t in our lives.”
Empathy swept over Hallie’s expression. “That must be hard.”
“I need help. Things have gotten a little squirrely trying to keep up with all the boys’ activities and work.”
“What do you do?” Hallie asked.
I was reminded that the agency left it to their clients to share personal details with the prospective candidates. “I’m the chief of police for Cedar Ridge.”
Hallie’s lips parted on a silent O. “They never said…when I was in the hospital, they just told me that a volunteer search and rescue team found me.”
“That’s true. I volunteer with SAR on the side. Sometimes, the gigs overlap.”
She nodded. “That makes sense. Being a police officer must be a rewarding job.”
“I love it, but it also means that whoever takes this nanny position has to be okay with middle-of-the-night emergencies. I can usually get my family to help on the weekends, so you’ll have those days free to do whatever you want with friends, but—”
“I don’t mind. I can be on call on the weekends, too.” Her cheeks flushed. “I’m kind of a homebody.”
I studied her for a moment, an ache settling somewhere deep as questions flooded me. Was she a homebody because of her personality? Was it what she wanted? Or was she scared to go out into the world?
The latter had that ache inside me burning brighter. In so many ways, Hallie’s life had been stolen from her—her innocence cut short. Everything about it was wrong.
But as much as I felt for her, I couldn’t help but wonder if she could handle taking care of my three boys. They were rowdy and loud, and Luke would test her at every turn.
I shoved the concerns to the back of my mind for now. “I appreciate your willingness to be available.”
“What do you and your boys need, Mr. Hartley?”
The question was earnest as if she really wanted to make our lives easier.
“Call me Lawson. Or Law.”
Hallie nodded slowly. “Okay, Lawson.”
It was rare that I heard my formal name these days. And Hallie said it as if it were some extraordinary foreign language.
I forced my focus back on her question. “Getting the boys to and from school. Drew has sports practices. Charlie has playdates.”
Hallie nodded. “And your eldest? Luke? Does he drive?”
The muscle at the apex of my jaw tightened.
“Luke hasn’t been allowed to get his license yet.
” I paused momentarily, trying to choose my words carefully before simply going with blunt honesty.
“He’s had some behavioral issues lately.
He needs to rebuild some trust before I’ll let him get behind the wheel. ”
Taking my department SUV for a joyride hadn’t helped things in that department.
Hallie frowned. “He’s sixteen?”
I nodded.
“That’s a hard age. Trying to figure out who you are, needing your parents but also wanting to spread your wings. It can be uncomfortable. Like outgrowing your own skin.”
I stared at her for a few beats as we stood in my entryway. None of the other candidates had sought to understand my boys—where they were at and why. Maybe what Hallie had been through had given her a more finely tuned empathy and a better understanding of others.
“I think you’re right.” I squeezed the back of my neck. “I probably haven’t done the best job navigating it either.”
“You’re trying,” Hallie said quietly. “That’s what matters.”
I had to move. Her kindness was almost too much to take. “How about I show you around, and we can talk more about what I’m looking for?”
Hope flared in her gray eyes. It was the same expression I’d seen five years ago. Something about it slayed me.
I forced my gaze away from her and headed deeper into the house. As I showed her the kitchen, living room, bedrooms, and even the gym in the basement, I told her more about each of my boys. Hallie asked insightful questions but mostly listened.
“Do you need housekeeping help?” she asked as we headed back upstairs.
I barked out a laugh. “What gave that away?”
Hallie flushed. “I didn’t mean—”
I held up a hand. “I’m not insulted. We’re drowning. I’ll take any help you feel comfortable offering. If you’re willing to do some cooking and laundry, I’d be happy to adjust your salary.”
She quickly shook her head, her hair covering her face again. “The pay is more than generous. Since the boys are in school for most of the day, I’m happy to clean or run errands for you.” She worried her bottom lip, bringing my gaze there. “I’m not the world’s best cook, but I’m happy to try.”
“I make three things well, so I’m sure just having a little variety would make the boys happy,” I told her. Charlie, Drew, and Luke were beyond sick of steak, pasta with meat sauce, and chili.
Hallie interwove her fingers with one another again and squeezed hard. “I’ll do my best.”
I had no doubt.
“Do you want to see the guest cabin?”
“I’d like that.” A flicker of excitement passed over her expression. It lit all her features, making her even more beautiful somehow.
I tamped that down in a flash. Hallie’s attractiveness wasn’t something I needed to be thinking about. The woman was a potential nanny and someone with whom I’d witnessed her worst moments. Not to mention, she was thirteen years my junior.
I forced my gaze away from her face and headed for the door.
Hallie followed silently behind me.
The bite of winter air helped, shocking my system and forcing me back to reality. “The place is furnished, but you’re welcome to make it yours. I’m happy to put anything you don’t want in storage.”
I pulled my keys from my pocket and unlocked the door, stepping inside.
The cabin was small. A bedroom area with a tiny bathroom and then a living and kitchen space with a large window that overlooked the lake below.
There were bookshelves and cabinets for storage and a wardrobe that could serve as a closet.
But there definitely wasn’t space for a ton of belongings.
Hallie didn’t make a sound as she explored the guest house. Her fingers ran over a quilt on the end of the bed, one my grandmother had made before she passed. Her gaze tracked over every inch of the space, stilling on the large picture window.
“It’s perfect,” she breathed. Her eyes shone, unshed tears glistening in them.
The reverence in her tone and the emotions running over her face were more than I could take. And it had me doing something reckless.
“Do you want the job?”