Chapter 6 Hallie
HALLIE
My stomach did a seriously impressive series of acrobatics as I zipped up my suitcase. Pulling it off the bed, I set it near the door. My belly did another dip and roll.
“It’s a new beginning,” I whispered to the walls.
One somehow tied to my past.
As the morning light streamed in my motel window, Lawson’s face filled my mind. His strong jaw and kind eyes had been a staple in my brain for the past twenty-four hours.
I’d never known his name. He’d always only been Blue to me.
I’d begged my parents to find him so I could thank him, but they’d never understood what his kindness had meant to me that night.
They’d simply wanted to forget the whole ugly thing ever happened.
When I was finally well enough to call, the county told me they couldn’t release the information.
Everyone else wanted to move on. But I couldn’t forget.
My fingers moved to the raised flesh near my hip bone. Scars riddled my body, but most of them were thin. Razor-sharp slashes where the man’s blade had sliced into me.
The mark on my hip was different. The brand made it so I had no prayer of forgetting. Somehow, even after breaking free, I was still his.
My vision went blurry, and I blinked to clear it. My fingernails had pressed so hard into my palms that I’d drawn blood.
I hurried into the bathroom, turning the water as cold as it would go. I soaped my palms, not caring about the sting, and then submerged them in the freezing liquid. The cold took away the worst of the sting, and I washed and washed until no evidence remained except tiny half-moons dotting my skin.
If Emerson could see my hands, he’d say I was pushing myself too far. Maybe I was. But if I didn’t, then I had no prayer of finally living a somewhat normal life.
My throat tightened as I tried to keep the welling emotions at bay. I wanted normal. I wanted friends. To be able to wander down the street without bracing for an attack. I wanted to feel safe being out past dark. To go to dinner parties or out dancing. I wanted to be free.
“What’s the next step?” I whispered.
To get in my car and drive to my new beginning.
I walked through the motel room one last time, checking under the bed and in the closet. I’d already checked every nook and cranny at least four times, but I didn’t want to risk needing to come back.
When I saw no stray belongings left behind, I slipped on my coat and slung my purse over my shoulder. Then, opening the door, I wheeled my suitcase outside.
As I stepped into the cold air, I came up short. A man nearly crashed into me. He had a scruffy beard and a brown gaze that jumped around from thing to thing until it zeroed in on me.
“Excuse me,” I mumbled, hurrying to my car.
He didn’t say a word, just stared at me hard as I walked away, almost as if he were trying to place my face.
He probably was. People didn’t recognize me often anymore. But it still happened occasionally.
There’d been countless newscasts, several Dateline specials, and even a Lifetime movie about my story. Only it wasn’t the real one. The police and FBI had kept some facts from the media. Things that would haunt me forever. But the little they had gleaned felt like being victimized all over again.
I shoved my suitcase into the trunk and hurried to the driver’s door. Slipping inside, I pressed the lock button.
The man was still standing there. Staring.
My hand shook as I struggled to get my key into the ignition. On the fifth try, I finally got it. Starting the car, I backed out of my parking spot.
I didn’t look back at the man, didn’t want to know if he was still staring with that perverse sense of curiosity. I kept my gaze locked straight ahead as I turned onto Main Street.
I let glimpses of the frozen lake soothe me as I drove through downtown.
There were countless restaurants I wanted to try, and I promised myself then and there that I’d go to each and every one and report back to Adrian about the food.
I’d make a list of the ones I wanted to take him to when he and my brother came to visit.
The drive to Lawson’s went by in a flash. I parked in front of the guest cabin, wondering how my car would fare getting up his steep drive in the snow. I rarely drove in Chicago, and definitely not when it was snowing. Now, I’d have the most precious cargo: Lawson’s children.
I worried my bottom lip. I’d practice the moment it snowed—over and over until I got it down.
Turning off my car, I slid out. I left my belongings inside and headed for the main house. I wasn’t due to start until tomorrow, but Lawson wanted me to have some time to get settled and meet Charlie, Drew, and Luke while he was around.
A fluttery feeling took root in my chest. Not the one I used to get around a childhood crush, but one comprised of all the terrifying what-ifs. What if the boys hated me? What if one of them got really sick while I was taking care of them? What if someone took one of them?
I squeezed my lids together and balled my fists. When I opened my eyes, I focused on the space around me. What do you see?
“Gravel. Bike. Steps. Trees. House.”
I let air fill my lungs, then exhaled. What can you touch?
“Jeans. Jacket. Sweater. Zipper.”
Another breath. What do you smell?
“Pine. Smoke. Snow.”
That phantom energy still buzzed through me, but I forced my legs to move. They felt heavy, a sign my breathing hadn’t returned to normal. I focused on making sure the inhales and exhales were even and not too rapid.
I climbed the steps slowly, and as I reached the top, a peal of laughter lit the air, followed by thunderous footsteps. “You’ll never catch me!” a child’s voice called from the other side of the door.
The happy innocence had my mouth curving and a little of my anxiety easing. Still, my palms were damp as I lifted a hand to knock.
More shrieks of laughter came, but no sounds of someone coming to the door.
I licked my lips as my heart pounded, then pressed a finger to the doorbell.
“She’s here!” that same young voice yelled.
“I’ll get it,” Lawson’s voice boomed, deep and gravelly.
A second later, the door swung open, and my mouth went dry. Lawson stood in a white T-shirt pulled tight across a muscular chest. He wore dark jeans that hugged his hips and thighs and had nothing on his feet.
Something about his bare toes felt intimate, like a sight I shouldn’t be witnessing.
I forced my gaze back to his face. “Hi.”
He smiled, warm and welcoming. That same kindness oozed out of him. “Welcome to the zoo, Hallie.”
A young boy skidded to a stop next to his dad and looked up at me. His hair and eyes were very similar to Lawson’s, but his wide smile had a big gap. It only made him more adorable.
His lips parted, and his eyes went wide. “Whoa, you’re pretty. Like one of the princesses in Cady’s books.”
A laugh bubbled out of me. “Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever been called a princess.”
Lawson ruffled his son’s hair. “This charmer is Charlie.”
“Hi, Charlie. It’s very nice to meet you.”
“Dad, did you get a babe for a nanny?” another voice called from deeper inside the house.
Lawson groaned. “Drew…”
“It’s a compliment,” the boy said, exasperation filling his tone as he rounded the corner.
Drew was lanky and tall for thirteen. His hair had that artful disarray I was sure made him incredibly cool, and his blue eyes shone brightly against his tan complexion.
He shot me a grin. “Total babe.”
Lawson pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please, don’t make Hallie quit before her first day.”
Drew only grinned wider. “Never. I’m into this. I’m Drew. Whatever you need, just let me know.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing as I sent Lawson a sidelong look.
He shook his head and clamped a hand on Drew’s shoulder. “I apologize. My son is still learning manners where women are concerned.”
“Don’t let him get in your head,” Drew said, his grin not faltering in the slightest. “I’m a total gentleman.”
I managed to keep my laughter at bay. “That’s good to know.”
“Come in, please. It’s freezing out there,” Lawson said.
I stepped inside, letting the warmth of the space swirl around me.
A small hand grabbed mine, tugging me. “Do you like frogs, or do you think they’re icky?”
I glanced down at Charlie. “I like frogs. They eat flies, and flies are annoying.”
He grinned up at me. “Lizards?”
“My brother had a bearded dragon growing up.”
“No way! I got to pet one when the reptile guy came to class last month. It was the best. It would be so amazing to have one every single day.”
Charlie kept chattering on as Lawson sent me an apologetic smile, but I didn’t mind in the slightest. I let the little boy tug me toward the living space as more of my nervousness slipped away.
I came up short when I was met with a glare. The teen I knew had to be Luke looked up from the sandwich he’d been eating at the kitchen island. Unlike his younger brothers, there was nothing warm or welcoming in his demeanor.
He shoved back his stool, leaving the half-eaten sandwich on the counter. His eyes narrowed on me. “What is she? Barely out of college? Didn’t want to spring for a nanny who actually had experience?”
“Luke,” Lawson barked.
My hands balled at my sides as I tried to hide the shaking. I’d only get this moment once, and if I let Luke steamroll me, he’d do it every time.
“Actually, I nannied for a family for three years before this and have taken several child development classes.” I didn’t think you could hear the tremble in my voice, but I could feel it.
Luke snapped his mouth closed, but his glare only intensified. “I don’t need a fuckin’ nanny.”
Charlie sucked in a breath at my side. “That’s a bad one.”
Lawson’s expression hardened to granite. “Go to your room. I’ll come talk to you in a minute.”
Luke didn’t say a word; he simply stalked off.
“I’m so sorry, Hallie. I knew he wasn’t crazy about this, but I didn’t think he’d be that rude.” Worry creased Lawson’s brow as he waited for my reaction.
“It’s okay,” I assured him. “I’d rather know how he really feels than have him hide it.”
“Well, he certainly shouldn’t be using that language,” Lawson said.
Drew sent his dad a worried look. “You taking his gear?”
A muscle beneath Lawson’s eye fluttered. “Actions have consequences.”
Drew kicked at the floor. “He’s gonna be a nightmare.”
Charlie bobbed his head. “Super grouchy.”
I looked at Lawson in question, unsure if I had a right to ask, but at the same time, needing to know if I had to be his backup.
He ran a hand through his dark hair. “I warned Luke I was taking his electronics if he used the f-word again.”
I winced. It wasn’t that I thought Lawson was doing the wrong thing; it was just that I knew how much teenagers loved their devices. One of the two girls I’d nannied for previously was only twelve and already had a cell phone permanently attached to her hand.
“I need to talk to him,” Lawson said softly. “Make yourself at home. Drew, get Hallie something to drink.”
Lawson headed out of the living area, tension evident in his shoulders as he went. I didn’t envy him for that conversation. Luke had been out of line, but this was a huge change for them, especially if their mother hadn’t been around for a while.
I wondered for the countless time what the story was there. Lawson hadn’t said she’d passed away, so I assumed it was a separation. But I couldn’t imagine not seeing my kids at all.
“Soda, juice, water?” Drew asked as he pulled open the fridge. He’d lost the cocky charm from earlier. His brother’s actions clearly weighed on him.
“Water would be great. Thanks, Drew.”
Charlie grabbed my hand. “Can I stir the pasta sauce?”
I was confused by the question until I saw the pot on the stove. As I walked closer, I took in the bubbling red sauce. It smelled amazing.
A pang of longing hit my chest. Adrian was an amazing cook and had been teaching me the basics back in Chicago. No one made Bolognese like him, but this smelled close.
I glanced down at Charlie and his sky-blue T-shirt. “I’m thinking we should find you an apron first.”
Drew chuckled as he set my water on the island. “Smart move. The munchkin can get dirty doing just about anything.”
Charlie scowled at his brother. “I’m not a munchkin.”
I pivoted quickly, knowing how fast sibling rivalry could escalate. “I’m completely hopeless at staying clean in the kitchen, so I’m gonna need one, too. One time, I tipped an entire saucepan on myself. The tomatoes made my hair pink for a week.”
Drew’s lips twitched, and a giggle escaped from Charlie.
“Pink hair?” Charlie asked, disbelieving.
I shrugged. “Some people thought it was a fashion statement.”
Drew bent and opened a drawer in the island. He handed Charlie an apron and then one to me. “Wouldn’t want any more fashion statements.”
I grinned and took the garment. As I slid it over my head, raised voices sounded down the hall. Each one struggled to top the other.
“She’s a joke!” Luke yelled.
I winced.
Apparently, my fresh start wouldn’t be as smooth sailing as I’d hoped.