11. Jane
11
JANE
‘ R eady?’ Jess whispered as she stood in front of the meet-cute desk in the main library hall.
The meet-cute desk was our library’s special name for where books were checked out and returned.
Jess and I came up with the name because we thought it was a fun way to describe that moment when a reader first starts a ‘relationship’ with a brand-new book. Every time a member came to the desk, they were about to be whisked away to start an exciting romantic adventure, so the name fitted perfectly.
‘Yes!’ I lowered my voice to make sure I didn’t disturb the members who were reading in the comfy sofa several feet away. ‘I’ve just put away the last of the returns.’
It was now Friday. We were about to head to the local pub, the Seaview Arms, for our girls’ night out, and I was actually excited.
Generally speaking, I preferred hanging out with book characters instead of interacting with people in real life (unless they were bookworms like our library members). But it’d been so long since I’d gone anywhere other than work and back to my parents’ that I’d been looking forward to it.
Jess and Maddie were both great, Celeste seemed fun and I reckoned Kara, the hairdresser, would be nice too.
‘Great. Jackson’s taking over in five minutes.’
‘Brilliant. Excellent. Yay!’ I stuttered like an idiot. ‘Actually, can I just pop to the loo?’
‘This place might be based in an old school, but you don’t have to ask permission to wee!’ Jess laughed.
‘Sorry, I know, I just…’ I just get tongue-tied whenever Jackson’s name is mentioned… ‘I just didn’t want to leave the desk unattended.’
‘You’re fine!’ Jess said.
I grabbed my bag and walked quickly to the toilet. I didn’t actually need to wee. I just wanted to check that I looked okay and change into a top I’d brought to wear tonight.
As soon as I stepped inside, I headed straight to the mirror and pulled out my tiny make-up bag. I didn’t generally wear much make-up. Just mascara and a neutral gloss. Dad always said that bright-coloured lipstick was for ‘hookers’, and whilst I knew that was absolute nonsense (like literally everything that he said), his toxic thoughts had been seared into my brain so deeply that every time I considered choosing a bolder colour, all I could hear was his voice in my head reminding me to stay ‘pure’ and ‘decent’ and not draw ‘unwanted attention’ to myself.
I sighed, then pulled out my mascara. After removing my glasses and placing them on the ledge under the wide mirror, I applied a fresh coat to the tips of my lashes, swiped on some more gloss, then unbuttoned my blouse, ready to change into the sparkly V-neck top I’d bought.
Normally I never really showed my neck or arms, preferring to wear long-sleeved silky blouses that either buttoned all the way up or had a neck bow. But I’d worn this top before to an after-work drinks gathering when I worked in London and I liked how it made me feel.
God. If wearing a simple V-neck top which wasn’t even low-cut made me happy, clearly I needed to get out more.
Just as I was about to slide my arms out of the sleeves of my blouse, I heard the door open and spun around.
‘Oh shit.’ Jackson’s eyes widened. When his gaze dropped to my chest, then flicked back up again, I realised that I still had my blouse wide open and was basically flashing my bra.
Crap.
My cheeks flamed and I quickly pulled my blouse together.
‘Sorry!’ Jackson said. ‘I didn’t realise you were in here.’
‘It’s… I… It’s my fault. I should’ve changed in the cubicle. There was just more room out here.’
What on earth was I thinking? I knew the toilets were unisex. The library was still open, so anyone could’ve walked in, including one of our members.
‘I’ll come back later.’ Jackson turned his back to me, then darted out the door.
I squeezed my eyes shut with embarrassment. I couldn’t believe I’d just exposed myself to him. And of course I didn’t even have on a decent bra. It was just a basic white one with a pink bow at the front. I instantly regretted not wearing something better. Then again, who was I kidding? It wasn’t like I had a drawer full of sexy lacy underwear.
If I ever put anything like that in the wash, my parents would have a fit.
Yes . This was the kind of crap I had to deal with. Thirty-one years old and even the underwear I wore was based on what my bloody parents would approve of. I hated my life.
I gathered up my things, slid inside the cubicle and shut the door, shame still coursing through my veins.
It was hard enough looking at Jackson without getting tongue-tied and now I’d embarrassed myself again.
He was probably laughing at how pathetic my underwear was and the fact that I had small boobs. He probably preferred women with bigger breasts.
Anyway, enough of feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t keep Jess and Celeste waiting.
After slipping on my top and giving myself one last glance in the mirror I headed towards the library, where Jess and Celeste were waiting.
‘Shall we go?’ I asked, deliberately avoiding Jackson’s gaze. He was stood behind the desk and I could feel his eyes on me, but I was still too mortified to face him.
‘Yep!’ Celeste said loudly, causing multiple members’ heads to snap up.
‘Shh!’ Jess’s eyes widened and she ushered us out of the library hall.
Once we were outside, Celeste slid her arm through mine and did the same to Jess.
‘ Finally we can talk freely!’ she said at the top of her voice. ‘Honestly, I don’t know how you guys keep so quiet all day long in there. I much prefer working in the bookshop. At least there you can chat to the punters!’
‘I like the silence,’ I said. ‘And if we chatted too loudly, people wouldn’t be able to concentrate on reading.’
‘I guess.’ Celeste shrugged her shoulders. ‘But the customers like to chat too. I had one woman in earlier who wanted recommendations on the smuttiest books we had in stock. I told her she’d come to the right place!’ Celeste cackled.
She was a self-proclaimed smut lover. And it wasn’t just steamy romances that Celeste enjoyed. She loved erotica too. The raunchier the better. The other day Celeste had written a list of at least a dozen erotica novels she thought we should stock.
She was a big fan of monster romance, dark romance and why choose? too, which came in handy because I hadn’t got a chance to read any books from those genres yet and a lot of our members loved them.
‘What did you recommend?’
‘I went straight to the erotica, but then I got the feeling she needed to be eased in a bit first, so recommended some steamy romances to start her off—y’know, like Meghan Quinn and Hannah Grace—then suggested after that she tried a bit of Elodie Hart, Sierra Simone and Penelope Douglas.’
‘Did she go for it?’
‘She bit my hand off! Walked out of the shop with ten out of the twelve books I recommended. Boom!’ Celeste raised her hand triumphantly in the air.
‘Brilliant! You’re an excellent bookseller,’ Jess said. ‘Thank you. ’
‘Cheers!’ She beamed. ‘It’s a shame I have to go back to uni. I’m really enjoying working there.’
‘And we love having you,’ Jess said.
She was right. Celeste might be pretty full on and loud, but she was great at her job.
‘We had a member who came in earlier singing your praises after you recommended a book to her last week,’ I said.
‘Cool!’ Celeste replied. ‘I love when that happens.’
Just because I was a tiny bit jealous about how much time Celeste had spent with Jackson alone in the bookshop this week, it didn’t mean I couldn’t give credit when credit was due. I believed we should all support each other. I couldn’t let my personal feelings get in the way.
As we pushed open the door to the Seaview Arms, laughter and chatter filled the air.
The traditional British pub had deep burgundy patterned carpet and worn-looking dark wooden tables and chairs. My favourite place to sit, though, was on the comfy banquette seating at the back of the pub.
The bar, which was in the centre, had the same dark polished wood with brass beer taps.
Whenever I visited, I loved looking at the old framed photographs of fishermen and local residents, sea-related memorabilia and old Sunshine Bay postcards which lined the walls.
‘Sweetheart!’ Bob, the landlord, beamed as he caught sight of Celeste.
‘Hey, Dad.’ She smiled. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Good, hon. We’ve reserved the table for you in the corner so you can have your girl talk in private. Your mother will be back soon. She’s just touching up her lippy.’
‘Thanks,’ Celeste said, then waved at Maddie and Kara, who were already seated on the banquette in the corner.
‘Jess, Jane, how are you?’ Bob said. ‘You two are looking beautiful tonight.’
‘Dad!’ Celeste rolled her eyes.
‘What?’
‘You sound like a perv!’
‘I beg your pardon!’ he shouted. ‘Nothing wrong with complimenting two beautiful ladies. Your mother’s always saying how gorgeous Theo looks.’
‘That’s true.’ Jess grinned. ‘And he loves it! Thanks for the compliment, Bob. I know you meant well. Your dad’s a decent one.’
‘Thank you!’ Bob blew out a relieved breath. ‘So what can I get you ladies to drink?’
‘Shots!’ Celeste said enthusiastically.
‘Erm… I’ll just have a glass of white wine, please,’ I said.
‘Come on, Janey!’ Celeste said. ‘Let your hair down! It’s Friday night, baby!’
‘How about I organise a round of shots, on the house, and a couple of bottles of wine?’ Bob said gently.
‘Sounds perfect,’ Jess added. ‘And if you don’t want a shot, it’s totally fine,’ she added with a reassuring hand on my shoulder.
‘Thanks,’ I said, really meaning it. Celeste was so domineering sometimes, it was hard to say no.
As we headed over to the table, Maddie and Kara stood up to greet us .
‘Hi!’ Maddie said as she hugged Jess, then did the same to me and Celeste.
After giving Kara two cheek kisses, we all sat down.
‘I’m so glad we finally made this happen!’ said Kara. She was dressed in black jeans and a black slogan T-shirt and had wavy burgundy shoulder-length hair. Even if I’d never met her before, her hair was so glossy and perfectly styled that I’d instantly guess that she was a hairdresser.
‘Same!’ Maddie replied. ‘It’s been so full on at the cafe, I need to de-stress.’
‘How’s things at the library?’ Kara asked.
‘Good. We’re getting new members every day, but we still need a bigger income.’
‘Hopefully the cafe will help when it opens.’
‘I really hope so. Especially after shelling out to get the roof fixed.’
‘Oh no!’ Kara gasped. ‘What happened?’
Jess filled her in on the mystery leak, which apparently Theo and Bill were still puzzled about, then said how grateful she was that it was all sorted.
Bob brought over the wine and shot glasses. Whilst Jess, Maddie and Celeste downed their shots, I poured the first bottle of wine into the glasses, then took a large glug.
‘And we’ve got a hot new guy working with us now!’ Celeste smirked. I swallowed hard.
‘Oh yeah!’ Maddie said. ‘Jackson, right?’
‘Yeah!’ Celeste replied. ‘Dad! Can you bring another round of shots, please!’ she called out and Bob nodded.
‘Jess introduced me yesterday when I came to go through some paperwork,’ Maddie added. ‘He’s very easy on the eye.’
‘He is! It’s a shame I have to go back to uni soon, otherwise I’d be tapping that on repeat!’ She laughed and my stomach bottomed out. ‘Oops. Sorry, Jess! Is it wrong of me to say stuff like that because you’re my boss and me and Jackson work together?’
‘No, no. You’re fine.’ Jess smiled. ‘Mrs Davis—y’know, the woman who left me the money to set everything up—always said she wanted people to find romance between the walls of the library, so I wouldn’t stand in the way of love.’
‘Oh, honey,’ Celeste laughed. ‘It wouldn’t be love ! Just sex! I’m too young to settle down!’
My chest tightened. I knew Celeste would fancy Jackson, I mean, who wouldn’t? He was gorgeous. So was she. I wondered if anything had happened between them yet?
I had no claim on Jackson, but just the thought of him hooking up with Celeste made my stomach churn.
Because secretly, I wished it was me he liked.
I know, it was a ridiculous thought and we worked together, but I couldn’t help it. And just because it would never happen didn’t mean that a girl couldn’t dream.
Bob placed another round of shots on the table, and once he was out of earshot, conversation started again.
‘I’ll have to make a special trip to the library to check him out… oops, I mean to check out some more of your finest romance novels!’ Kara giggled.
‘You won’t regret it!’ Celeste added. ‘Trust me. The man’s a god. Bet he’s hung like a horse too!’
My eyes widened. Celeste always spoke so freely. I could never imagine being able to do that. Especially not with my dad just a few metres away like Bob was right now .
Hopefully with all the background noise and chatter, he wouldn’t be able to hear our conversation.
‘What do you think, Jane?’ Jess asked me.
‘Huh?’ My eyebrows shot up.
Surely she wasn’t asking me how big I thought Jackson’s penis was? I’d never even seen one in the flesh before, so I was hardly an expert, but if I had to guess, it was probably beautiful, just like the rest of him.
‘What do you think of Jackson?’ she repeated.
‘Oh…’ I replied, bringing my fantasies about his dick to an abrupt end. ‘He’s, er, nice.’
‘ Nice? ’ Celeste gasped dramatically.
‘A cup of tea is nice ! Jackson is more than just nice. He’s freaking sex on legs! He said you went to school together. Did you two ever snog behind the bike sheds or whatever people did in your day?’
I wish.
‘No.’ I shook my head quickly.
‘In your day ? ’ Jess’s face wrinkled with horror. ‘How old do you think we are?’
‘Sorry!’ Celeste laughed. ‘Slip of the tongue. Speaking of tongues, I wouldn’t say no to slipping mine in Jackson’s mouth. Or over his cock!’
Kara, Maddie and Celeste erupted into a fit of giggles.
‘That would certainly brighten up the working day,’ Maddie said.
‘Oi!’ Jess said. ‘There’ll be no kissing or blowing colleagues in the bookshop or library during working hours! I know I’m a relaxed boss, but I have my limits!’
‘ Yeah, right .’ Celeste rolled her eyes. ‘Like you and Theo have never shagged at the library!’ A mischievous smile tugged at her lips .
‘I can neither confirm nor deny anything…’ Jess said sheepishly.
My insides were shrivelling like a prune. I could never imagine asking my boss whether she’d had sex at work. I’d be too afraid of getting the sack and it crossed boss-employee boundaries too.
‘You totally have!’ Maddie laughed.
‘I can guarantee it!’ Celeste added. ‘Ooh, I know! Let’s play a game! Where’s the wildest or coolest place you’ve had sex before? The winner gets an extra shot!’
As Celeste picked up her shot and downed it in one, my heart thundered against my chest.
These kinds of games were the worst. They often played them at work parties and whenever the subject turned to sex, it was always so awkward because I had nothing to contribute and I couldn’t exactly confess to being a virgin at the age of thirty-bloody-one.
Look at how people laughed and ridiculed the main character in that film The 40-Year-Old Virgin . I supposed I couldn’t blame them. Being a virgin in your twenties was considered by the majority of society as being weird enough, but these days, reaching your thirties or beyond without popping your cherry was literally unheard of.
I remember doing some research online and I think it said something like between ninety-five and ninety-nine per cent of thirty-year-olds had had sex at least once. Who knows whether it was accurate or not, but either way, I knew I was in the minority. Especially because I wasn’t a virgin because of religious reasons, or because I was waiting to get married.
Okay, sure. In the beginning I held out mainly because my parents brainwashed me into thinking it was wrong and that if I had sex, I’d become a teenage mum and bring shame on the family, so I needed to wait until I was married.
But after I realised that it was fine to do it if I wanted to, it just never happened. I just didn’t feel ready.
One year just rolled into the next and now here I was, sitting in a pub, mortified about how I was going to wriggle out of answering this question because I still had my virginity firmly intact.
‘In the back seat of my ex’s parents’ car!’ Maddie chuckled. ‘He forgot to throw away the condom packet and his mum found it and accused his dad of having an affair!’
‘Oh my God!’ Jess gasped. ‘Nightmare! Did he fess up?’
‘Nope. He was an idiot. We broke up soon afterwards. Last I heard their parents did too.’
‘Noooo!’ Kara said. ‘Because of the condom packet?’
‘Think it might’ve had something to do with his mum running off with her personal trainer.’
‘Classic!’ Celeste said and once again my insides shrivelled as I thought of what to say. I knew precisely zero people whose mothers had an affair with their personal trainer.
‘The wildest place I’ve had sex before was on a sun lounger on holiday in Ibiza!’ Kara said.
‘I fucked a guy on a train before,’ Celeste said casually.
‘What? On the actual train seat?’ Jess frowned.
‘No! In the toilet,’ Celeste clarified. ‘Although I let a guy finger me on a train seat once. No one even noticed!’
My eyes were bulging so much far out of my sockets, I was sure they were seconds away from flying into someone’s face.
‘Theo and I may or may not have got a bit frisky on the beach…’ Jess added.
‘Knew it!’ Celeste pumped her fist triumphantly in the air. ‘I bet you’ve done it in loads of other places too.’
‘Like I said before. I can’t confirm or deny… as he works with you guys, it wouldn’t be professional to go into details, so that’s all you’re getting from me.’
‘How about you, Jane?’ Celeste asked and I instantly felt Maddie and Kara’s eyes on me, causing my cheeks to flame.
‘Oh, er…’ My brain froze as I struggled to think of a response. ‘Nowhere particularly special. I’m, erm… I’m just gonna pop to the loo.’
I jumped up from the table and raced towards the toilets. Once I was inside the cubicle, I pressed my back against the door.
That was so awkward.
How was I supposed to go back out there now?
For all I knew, Celeste would start suggesting we answer more sexual questions, and I couldn’t keep running off to the toilet every time. They’d either think I had a drug problem or cystitis.
I’d been looking forward to a girls’ night out, but now I remembered why I’d shied away from them in my old job and why it was safer to find enjoyment through books.
There was nothing wrong with the topic of conversation. I probably wouldn’t mind it if I’d actually had sex. But I hadn’t, so it was frustrating and embarrassing not being able to contribute anything to the discussion.
It was my own fault. Because I’d built it up in my mind for so long, it’d become a massive deal. If I’d just shagged someone ages ago, I would’ve been able to avoid all this awkwardness. I’d be part of the ‘club’, a ‘proper adult’, instead of being a weirdo outcast.
I’d lost count of the amount of times I’d thought about just logging onto Tinder, finding someone to hook up with and getting it over and done with. After all, what the hell was I waiting for?
But on the other hand, now I’d waited so long, I kind of felt like I wanted it to count and be worth the wait.
Then again, who was I kidding? From what I’d heard, the first time was always rubbish and painful, so expecting it to be some magical and memorable experience was asking too much. But after all this time, I wanted it to be with someone decent instead of just a drunken fumble that was over in ten seconds.
But that saying beggars can’t be choosers was true, so I needed to lower my expectations. At this stage, I’d just have to take whatever dick I could get.
There was nothing I could do about it right now, though, so after taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the toilets and headed towards the table.
‘Jane! There you are!’ Celeste said. ‘I just asked these girls whether they’d ever sucked a guy off in public before! Can you believe Maddie has only ever done it in the bedroom?’ She cackled and my stomach crumpled.
‘I, er… I’m gonna head home,’ I said quickly.
‘Oh no.’ Jess touched my arm. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I… I just got my period and I’m getting really bad pains,’ I lied, praying I wouldn’t get sent to hell. I had to get out of here, though. If I kept dodging Celeste’s questions, eventually everyone would realise I wa s a virgin and I’d be ridiculed. Just like I was in my last job.
‘I think I’ve got some paracetamol.’ Maddie’s face creased with concern, then she started rifling through her handbag.
‘Thanks. That’s really kind of you, but it’s probably best if I go to bed with a hot water bottle.’
‘You okay getting to the station?’ Jess asked.
‘Yeah, I’ll be fine, thank you.’
‘Okay. Well, text me when you’re back home, and if you’re not feeling better in the morning, let me know.’
God, I felt awful about lying. Jess was being so kind to me.
‘Don’t worry. I’ll be fine tomorrow.’ I picked up my jacket, then pulled my purse out of my bag. ‘How much do I owe you for the drinks?’
‘I’ll sort it with my parents.’ Celeste waved her hand dismissively. ‘Feel better, yeah?’
‘Thanks,’ I said, surprised at her concern.
‘And if the cramps get too painful, just masturbate. Orgasms are great for period pains!’ She laughed and I winced internally. ‘It’s true! Look it up if you don’t believe me!’
‘I… okay,’ I said, thinking that I probably wouldn’t. ‘Well, enjoy the rest of your evening and see you tomorrow.’
After racing to the door, I stepped outside and inhaled the fresh air.
That was intense.
I couldn’t go on like this. I had to do something about my sexual ‘situation’. I planned to work at the library for as long as Jess and Theo would have me. And that meant more social nights out.
So I couldn’t keep running off every time the conversation turned sexual. Plus I was working in a romance library: y’know, a place which sold and lent books where the characters had sex. How could I do my job properly if I’d never even done more than kiss a guy?
I needed to find a way to get rid of my virginity. It was holding me back.
Forget making it special or waiting. I just needed to get it done.
As quickly as possible.
But the question was, how?
And most importantly, with who?