13. Jane
13
JANE
I t was now almost lunchtime, and as I started shelving the pile of books in my hands, I replayed the last part of my conversation with Jackson for the hundredth time, then winced. Why did I have to say that stupid thing about not coming to look at him?
On the one hand, talking to him felt so natural. It was like we were just those two teenagers back in the classroom, chatting like we used to. But then I’d look into his eyes and then my stomach would do that annoying flip-flopping thing, my brain would turn to mush and a load of crap would fall out of my mouth.
I shouldn’t have suggested that I lend him my copy of Office Delight . I was mortified when I thought that Jackson thought I’d soiled the pages whilst reading it because I’d got myself off.
Okay. Full disclosure: I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t touched myself when reading some of the spicy chapters in bed at night, but I always kept the pages clean.
As well as keeping a box of tissues nearby, I made sure my tabs and highlighter pens were also always on my bedside table next to the lamp, ready to mark my favourite parts.
And as a result, that novel now had more tabs than a hundred internet browsers. I’d annotated the pages like crazy, colour-coding not just the parts that I found funny or romantic, but also the many sections that were super spicy. I may have also written some comments in the margins that might not be suitable for other people’s eyes…
Crap.
If there was another bookshop nearby, I’d go there in my lunch break and buy Jackson a copy. But there wasn’t, so I was stuck with giving him mine.
I’d seen Jess’s copy, which looked very worn . And it wouldn’t take a genius to work out how it got that way…
I’d agreed to give the book to Jackson now, so there was no going back. He needed it for research before he contacted D.D. Desire. If we got her to the library, that’d be major, so I’d just needed to take one for the team.
Anyway, I was overthinking. Jackson probably didn’t give two hoots about which scenes I found hot. Chances were he was too busy having wild sex with supermodels or his girlfriend, if he had one.
What was I saying? Of course Jackson had a girlfriend. There was no way a man like that could be single.
It wasn’t just about how he looked. That alone would get the women flocking. But it was also how kind he was.
When he mentioned that he used to get his mum paracetamol, a hot water bottle and chocolate when she got her period, my heart melted.
The men in my family never showed any sympathy for me or Mum when we had our periods. I still remember when I was doubled over on the sofa as the pains ripped through me and Dad told me to stop complaining. He said women had their ‘thing’ every month and I should be used to the pain by now.
Arsehole.
I was so embarrassed when I had to tell Jackson that I still lived at home with my parents. I saw the disgust in his eyes. But I was sure that was because he remembered how awful they were rather than the fact that he was judging me.
Talking of things that he remembered, I couldn’t believe it when he mentioned the bookmark stash I used to carry. And what my favourite biscuits were. Although my stomach sank a little when he said he preferred more exciting biscuits.
That was just another reminder of how different we were. Jackson liked fun, exciting stuff, whereas I stuck with things that were ordinary and boring, which basically summed up my life.
Whilst I stayed in Shamwick, Jackson went off to one of the most prestigious universities in England and probably had a wild time. Then he got a big, fancy job in the City, living it up in London. I on the other hand hadn’t done anything interesting. I was still ‘plain Jane’.
If Jackson thought my biscuit choices were boring, imagine what he’d think if he knew I hadn’t had sex. I groaned internally as I shelved the last book.
When I walked back to the meet-cute desk, I saw Theo come in.
‘Hi, how are you?’ he asked.
‘Good, thanks. You? ’
‘Fine. Jess asked to see you in the office. I can take care of things here.’
‘Oh, okay,’ I said, wondering what she could want to see me about. I knew she’d had a meeting with Jackson about the cafe opening, so maybe it was related to that.
‘Hi!’ Jess said as I stepped in the office.
‘Everything okay?’ I asked.
‘Yeah! All good. Take a seat,’ she said. This sounded serious. A million thoughts raced through my mind before I told myself to calm down and just listen to what she had to say. ‘How are you feeling this morning?’
‘Much better, thanks.’ I still felt awful about telling that white lie.
‘I wanted to talk to you about last night.’
‘Oh?’ I frowned.
‘I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know the conversation got a bit… X-rated, so I just wanted to check that it didn’t make you… uncomfortable. You’re an important part of the team and I never want you to feel pressured into talking about or revealing stuff about yourself that you don’t want to.’
‘Um.’ My eyes widened and my mind raced as I tried to think of how to respond. ‘Yeah. Okay. Thanks,’ I stuttered, thinking it was nice of her to check on me. Then wondering if she’d guessed that I was a virgin based on my reluctance to talk about sex. Oh God. I really hoped not.
‘I mean, I’d consider myself pretty liberal,’ Jess added, ‘but even I found it awkward.’
‘You did ?’ I frowned, thinking that topic would be right up her street. I’d walked in on Theo and Jess kissing in the office on more than one occasion and something about the way they couldn’t keep their hands off each other told me that they had a very active sex life.
‘Yeah. I don’t have a problem with talking about sex. It’s just, I’m still trying to adjust to being a boss. Up until I’d opened this place, I’d only ever been an employee, so it’s hard to remember that I have to set boundaries. It would’ve been so easy to get carried away with that conversation, but that would’ve been disrespectful to Theo. Imagine I’d said, “Theo and I love fucking on the beach”, hypothetically speaking, of course, and then Celeste saw him and mentioned it, he might get embarrassed. Actually, he probably wouldn’t care, but still.’
‘I understand,’ I said, wondering if her comment about them banging on the beach really was hypothetical .
‘So, yeah, the point I’m trying to make is that I want everyone that works here to be comfortable. And if there’s anything you ever want to talk about, professionally or… otherwise—y’know, one-to-one rather than in a group in a busy pub—my door is always open.’
‘Th-thank you,’ I said, wondering once again if she suspected something.
Although I’d be mortified if she did, I appreciated the fact that she hadn’t made me feel like a loser.
‘That’s all I wanted to say.’ Jess got up and headed to the door. ‘Theo’s okay covering the library if you fancy taking an early lunch?’
‘Okay, thanks.’ I nodded as she left the office.
I was about to leave too, then remembered I’d promised to give Jackson my copy of Office Delight.
When I fished it out of my drawer, embarrassment washed over me. I knew I’d added loads of tabs, but I hadn’t realised it was this many .
There was nothing I could do about it now, though. I found a Jiffy bag, stuffed the book inside, got my jacket and handbag, then made my way to the bookstore.
Luckily when I arrived, Celeste was serving a customer. If she saw how much the book had been annotated, she’d probably snatch it away and start reading all the steamy bits I’d highlighted out loud, which would be even more mortifying.
‘Hi!’ Jackson smiled as he saw me walking towards him.
A jolt of electricity shot through me. How was it possible that he looked even more attractive than when I’d seen him just a few hours ago?
The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to his elbows, exposing his muscular forearms. As I took in the sight of the thick veins and sprinkling of dark hair, I was overcome with the urge to reach out and stroke his arms to see if his skin was as smooth as it looked.
‘You okay?’ Jackson’s face crumpled, then I realised I was just standing there, staring.
‘Um… I… I came to give you this.’ I handed him the Jiffy bag. ‘It’s the… book.’
‘Thanks.’ He smiled again and butterflies flooded my stomach.
As he peeked inside, another wave of embarrassment hit me. There was no way I was going to stick around and watch the inevitable look of horror spread across his face when he pulled out the book and saw all of the tabs.
‘I’ve gotta go. Enjoy!’ I raced out of the bookshop, down the corridor and out of the library, making a beeline for the beach .
The moment the salty sea air flooded my nostrils, I exhaled.
I’d given Jackson the book. It was done. It’d be fine. Whatever he thought about my overenthusiastic highlighting, I just had to focus on the bigger picture. If reading my copy helped him bring my new favourite author to our library, it’d be worth it.
A gentle breeze tickled my cheeks. It was too cold to take my shoes off today and walk on the sand, but I didn’t mind because the sun was still shining and the sky was a beautiful shade of blue.
As I strolled along the beach, my thoughts turned back to my conversation with Jess.
It was kind of her to check in on me, but I also felt bad that she’d had to. Despite what my parents thought, I was a grown woman. I should be able to handle these situations. And if I wanted to have sex, I should stop pussyfooting around and just do it.
For ages I’d wondered whether it was as mind-blowing as everyone said it was. I imagined it had to be, right? Sex played an important part in my favourite romance novels and it seemed to play an important part in real life too.
People were always talking about sex. Take last night at the pub. The whole conversation was dominated by it.
People paid money to have sex.
People fell head over heels when the sex was great. And people went through the pain of break-ups and divorce when people cheated by having sex with someone else.
Sex was powerful.
It had the ability to make or break relationships.
They say that money makes the world go round and whilst that could be true, it seemed like sex made the world go round too. So the fact that I hadn’t even tried it yet made me feel like I was really missing out on life.
I’d love for a man to ravish me and fuck me on a desk or sofa like Rocco had done to Virginia in Office Delight.
At this point, though, I’d be happy to be screwed on top of a dustbin.
After striding over to my favourite bench, I sat down and pulled my phone out of my bag.
I was tired of just thinking about sex, reading about it, or hearing people like Celeste and Jess talk about it.
I was tired of wondering how it’d feel.
Once I’d unlocked my screen, I selected the App Store.
No more holding out for Mr Right.
No more fantasising about a colleague who’d never be interested in me.
No more waiting and passively hoping an opportunity to lose my virginity would drop into my lap.
It was time to finally take action and experience sex for myself.
It was time to download Tinder.