18. Jackson
18
JACKSON
W hat a day.
After I clicked send on an email to Jess with a list of event ideas I wanted to organise, I leant back in the office chair and exhaled.
The day wasn’t even over yet, but it’d been full on.
When I woke up and saw a message from Marcus saying that the new videos he’d posted were doing ‘okay’, but that I hadn’t had many more subscribers, I already thought the day hadn’t got off to a good start.
Then on the train I’d received a message from the estate agent cancelling the viewing that was scheduled for tonight—the first one I’d had for weeks.
That message was quickly followed by an email from Mum’s care home, chasing up on the overdue payment.
At that point it was barely past eight in the morning and I thought things couldn’t get worse. Then as I’d got off the train, I saw Jane and my mood instantly lifted.
I recognised her straight away. She was wearing a dark blue Lycra pencil skirt which clung to her curves. And of course, her beautiful brown hair was tied up in a bun.
But then I noticed that it was looser than normal. And her posture and body language were different too.
Instead of radiating happiness and confidence like she always did in the library, Jane’s shoulders were slumped and her head hung low. Somehow she didn’t seem like herself.
When I’d called out and she hadn’t answered, I’d raced to catch up with her, and when I’d seen her crying, it was like someone had taken a knife to my chest.
Even though she didn’t open up until we got to the beach, I instantly knew the person who’d upset her was her fucking dad.
There weren’t many people I hated in this world, but he was definitely at the top of my shit list.
What kind of father made his daughter cry?
When she said it’d be okay for me to hug her, relief washed over me. I just wanted to make her feel better.
But I wasn’t prepared for how good it was going to feel.
Damn .
That hug was everything.
I loved feeling her heartbeat, the rise and fall of her chest as it pressed against mine and breathing in her sweet scent.
And I loved the way she held me like her life depended on it.
In those moments I felt like I was actually doing some good. I didn’t feel like the deadbeat son who’d had to leave his job and couldn’t afford to pay for his mum’s care. I felt needed. Wanted. Useful .
But then thoughts I had no business having, like wanting to kiss Jane and stroke her hair or do whatever she needed to make her feel better, kept finding their way into my head. And that wasn’t good.
The woman was upset. She needed a friend right now. Not someone who wanted to get into her knickers.
That was one of the reasons I pulled away, because as much as I’d ordered my body to behave, I was finding it difficult not to be affected by being close to her.
I was happy that the hugs seemed to help, though. The library had opened on time, and when I’d checked on Jane after lunch, she’d seemed okay.
Speaking of which, now that I’d completed my main tasks for today, I should check on Jane again and give her something I’d bought earlier to cheer her up. It wasn’t much, but I hoped it’d bring a smile to her face.
After making a cup of tea in the office, I pulled a plate from the cupboard, opened the two packets of biscuits, arranged a selection from each onto the plate, then made my way to the library hall.
There were about a dozen members reading on the sofas and a couple perched on the comfortable window seats with their noses buried in books.
‘Hi,’ I whispered as I stood in front of the meet-cute desk.
Jane’s head bolted upwards. She was so engrossed in whatever she was reading that she hadn’t heard me come in.
‘Hey.’ She smiled and my heart swelled.
‘Just checking how you are,’ I said, then gestured for her to come outside into the corridor so we could talk without disturbing the members .
‘I’m okay.’ She nodded.
‘Good. I brought you some tea and a little surprise.’
I handed her the plate, which I’d covered with a paper napkin. When she lifted it off, her face broke into a huge smile.
‘Rich tea and digestive biscuits!’ She beamed. ‘My favourites! Thank you!’
Jane threw her arms around me and the gesture took me by surprise. Looked like we were friends who hugged now.
And I was definitely here for it.
‘You’re welcome,’ I said, pulling away before my body got the wrong idea again.
We stood there, staring at each other in a trance.
God, she was beautiful.
I’d thought the same thing earlier on the beach. Even with tears staining her cheeks, she was stunning.
‘I’d better get back.’ She broke the silence.
‘Yeah. Me too,’ I said, knowing that it was for the best.
A few hours later, it was home time. Seeing as the viewing had been cancelled, I wanted to see Mum, but I couldn’t. They’d only ask about the money.
‘See you tomorrow.’ Jane walked in the office and picked up her handbag and jacket.
‘You’re going home?’ I asked.
‘No choice. For once, I wish I was working the late shift, but after what happened yesterday, Jess has taken all of those with Theo, which means more time spent at home tonight.’ Her shoulders slumped .
I had to say something. Do something to make her feel better.
‘D’you know what you need?’ I said.
‘To win the lottery so I can buy my own place?’ A small smile touched her lips.
‘Well, yeah, that’d be nice too, but I was thinking you need a night out. Obviously not in Shamwick. I don’t want to completely ruin your evening, but a night out right here in Sunshine Bay. You hungry?’
‘A bit.’
‘I’ve always wanted to try that fish and chips shop. Want to come with me? My treat!’
I was flat broke. The fifty pounds I had in my wallet was supposed to pay for my travel, lunch and dinner for the rest of the week, but this was an emergency. Jane needed me.
‘Um, yeah!’ She grinned. ‘I mean, if you’re sure?’
‘Course!’ I said.
Once we’d said bye to Jess and Theo, we headed over to May’s Fish and Chips. I’d heard lots of people raving about this place, so I was looking forward to seeing if it lived up to the hype.
‘Mademoiselle.’ I opened the door and gestured for Jane to go inside.
‘Why, thank you, kind sir,’ she joked.
This was good. We’d only just arrived and already she seemed happier.
As the scent of freshly fried fish surrounded us, my mouth watered.
The restaurant had matching pine tables and chairs. There were silver metal fishes on the blue wood-panelled walls and the specials of the day were written in colourful chalk on a big blackboard.
‘Hello, you two!’ A lady with white skin and long blonde hair tied into a ponytail walked towards us, flashing a warm smile. She was wearing a blue-and-white striped apron and jeans. If I had to guess, I’d say she was in her forties. ‘Lovely to see you, Jane. I’m Candace and you’re Jackson, right?’ She turned her gaze to me.
‘Good to meet you, Candace, and yeah, I’m Jackson. How did you know?’ I frowned.
‘You’re the talk of the town!’ She smiled. ‘All the women are gushing about you. They’re calling you the new Theo! That or bus number two.’
‘Huh?’ My frown deepened.
‘Bus number two!’ she repeated as if the meaning was obvious. ‘Y’know! It’s like you wait ages for one bus and then two come at once.’ I still didn’t follow. ‘But in this case, Sunshine Bay goes years without having any hunks and then all of a sudden two come along at once. First Theo, now you!’
‘Ah… right. Erm, thanks?’ I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered that the town were talking about me.
‘Sorry! That’s objectification, isn’t it? You’re more than a piece of meat!’ She chuckled. ‘You’ll have to forgive us. It’s a small town and we don’t get many newbies, so when we do, it’s all anyone can talk about!’
‘No worries,’ I said.
‘And we hadn’t realised that you were already off the market!’ She smiled and my face crumpled again. ‘I see The Romance Library’s already working its magic! Follow me. I’ve got a lovely table for two over here. Should I get a candle—y’know, to make it more romantic? ’
As Jane and I took our seats, the penny dropped.
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘This isn’t a date.’
‘Oh, no?’
‘No!’ Jane and I chorused emphatically.
‘Oh!’ Her hand flew to her mouth. ‘My mistake!’
‘We’re just friends,’ Jane added.
‘Right. Okay… Jess and Theo used to say the same thing…’ She winked. ‘Let me get you the menu.’ As she left, Jane winced.
‘Sorry! That was so awkward!’ She shook her head.
‘Why are you sorry?’ I asked.
‘Because here you are, taking me out to cheer me up, and now all the women in Sunshine Bay will be devastated when word spreads that you’ve been snapped up.’
‘Ha!’ I laughed. ‘I’m sure they’ll cope.’
I had zero interest in any of those women. I was off the market, but not because I was attached.
If my circumstances were different, there’d only be one woman I’d consider dating. And she was sitting right in front of me.
I doubted she was interested anyway and I still didn’t even know if she was single.
‘Here you go.’ Candace returned with the menus.
‘I’ll just have cod and chips,’ I said.
‘Same,’ Jane agreed.
‘And drinks?’ Candace asked.
‘Tap water’s fine,’ I said. I hated that I had to think about saving money, but I didn’t have a choice. Although Jess had asked me to start working full-time hours, I didn’t know how long that would last and it still wasn’t enough to cover Mum’s fees. I needed to save every penny I could.
‘That’s good for me too,’ Jane said .
‘You can get a proper drink if you like?’ Just because I was trying to conserve my limited funds, I didn’t want to deprive Jane. I said I’d treat her and I meant it. Jane deserved whatever she wanted.
‘No, no. After eating all those biscuits earlier, best not to have any sugary drinks.’
‘Two cod and chips and glasses of tap water coming right up!’ Candace said, then left.
‘Thanks again for those biscuits. That was really kind of you.’
‘You’re welcome. I left them in a tin, so there’s more whenever you want them.’
‘I’ll definitely take you up on that! So, I got you something.’ Jane reached in her bag and pulled out four packages wrapped in brown paper and handed them to me.
‘What are these?’ I frowned.
‘Those are your four blind dates.’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s a bookish thing. Blind Date With a Book is when you have a book wrapped up so you don’t know what it is. All it has is a clue on the front. When you’re ready, you pick the book that matches your mood based on the clue, then unwrap it to find out what the book is so you can curl up with your “date” and start reading.’
‘Ah, right. Got it.’
‘You said the other day that you didn’t know what you’d read once you finished Office Delight , so I bought you four books that I loved and thought you’d enjoy too.’
‘Wow. Thank you.’ I smiled. She must’ve bought them from the bookshop when I was either in the office or at lunch.
I looked at the first package, which said, ‘Open when you’re feeling festive and want a romantic Christmas adventure’.
The second said: ‘Open when you want an emotional book that will break you, but put you back together again in the most beautiful way’.
On the third secret package it said: ‘Open when you want a romantic adventure that will make you laugh and warm your heart’.
And the final package said: ‘Open when you need something short and very sweet’.
My heart swelled. I couldn’t believe she’d done this for me. I knew that Jane was trying to save every penny she had to start renting her own place, so the fact that she’d spent her money on me, put so much thought into what books to get me and gone to the trouble to wrap them up and write these clues meant so much.I was excited to find out what books she’d chosen.
‘As soon as I start reading them I’ll let you know. Speaking of books you love, I read more of Office Delight ,’ I said, eager to hear her reaction.
‘Yeah?’ Jane almost jumped out of her seat with excitement.
‘Yeah. And it’s pretty steamy.’
‘It is!’
‘But that Rocco is a bit of dick sometimes, no?’
‘He’s an alpha-hole at the beginning, yeah.’
‘ Alpha-hole ?’ My face crumpled.
‘It’s a romance term for an alpha male who’s also a bit of an arsehole.’
‘And women like that?’
‘In a book it’s okay. As long as he redeems himself and the grovel is good,’ Jane said .
‘I’m guessing “the grovel” is the technical term for a hero’s apology in romance novels, right?’
‘Yeah. It’s when he begs for forgiveness and tells the heroine how she’s changed him for the better. When you start reading a book about a hero like that, you kind of know that he won’t be an arsehole for the whole novel, so somehow that makes it more acceptable. Having a man who’s domineering and in control is… kind of…’ She blushed. ‘ Hot .’
‘So when he orders her to get on her knees and suck his cock, that’s… hot?’ I frowned.
When I’d got to that part whilst I was reading the book on the beach at lunchtime and I’d seen that Jane had highlighted that section and put asterisks in the margins, I’ll admit, it sent a jolt of electricity straight to my dick.
Then I shamefully started picturing Jane on her knees with her lips wrapped around my cock, so I had to shut the book. I couldn’t risk embarrassing myself by getting hard in a public place in broad daylight.
Judging by how many tabs Jane had sticking out from the rest of the book, it was only going to get hotter, so it was best that I didn’t pick that book up again until I was at home, in bed alone.
‘Um…’ She blushed again. ‘Yeah. It kinda is.’
‘So you don’t think it’s demeaning to Virginia?’
I always tried to be respectful when I slept with women and couldn’t imagine ordering them to blow me.
‘I hear what you’re saying. And on the surface, I’d agree with you. But remember, Virginia isn’t under any obligation to say yes. If she doesn’t want to do it, she could tell him to sod off. ’
‘But maybe she feels obligated, because Rocco’s her boss and she’s just started a new job?’
‘Ordinarily, yes. But it’s obvious there’s a mutual attraction there. She wants him just as much as he wants her. And actually, in that situation, it’s Virginia who’s in control. Rocco is desperate for her. She’s the only woman he wants. The only woman who can give him what he truly needs, so actually in that scene, she’s the powerful one. She has the control. Like when she starts… y’know, when she…’ Jane’s eyes dropped to the plate.
‘When she slides him in her mouth,’ I said, finishing her sentence because I sensed she was embarrassed.
‘Yeah, when she does that , she realises how much he wants her. How at that moment she could probably get him to do whatever she asked. She’s the one calling the shots.’
‘Hmmm.’ I nodded. ‘Good point. I hadn’t thought about it that way.’
‘That’s why I love talking about books with other people. Everyone picks up on different things. When I was reading Office Delight , I loved discussing my favourite scenes with Jess. She did the same with Theo.’
‘Like a book club discussion,’ I added.
‘Exactly! I’m looking forward to our first silent reading party on Friday. I bet everyone’s going to love talking about books during the breaks and at the end of the night,’ Jane gushed.
‘Two cod and chips.’ Candace appeared and put the plates on the table.
‘It smells so good! Thanks,’ I said.
‘Tastes even better!’ Candace said. ‘Enjoy!’
It didn’t take long for us to polish off our food.
In between bites, we talked more about Office Delight , then Jane updated me on the cowboy romance, which she planned to finish tonight.
The conversation flowed so easily. We went from one subject to the next whilst Candace kept us topped up with water.
When she came over with the bill and I looked around, we were the last two people left in the restaurant. I’d been so fixated on Jane, I hadn’t even realised. The time had flown by.
‘What time do you close?’ I asked.
‘About twenty minutes ago.’ Candace smiled.
‘Shit. I’m so sorry.’ I jumped up.
‘We didn’t mean to keep you,’ Jane added.
‘It’s fine! You two were getting on so well, I didn’t want to interrupt. When you see two friends staring into each other’s eyes for hours, it’d be criminal to break them apart.’ She smirked.
Had we been staring into each other’s eyes?
I mean, of course I thought Jane was fucking beautiful, but I hoped I hadn’t given her or anyone else the wrong idea.
‘We should go.’ I stood up. I reached into my wallet and pulled out the money to cover the bill.
‘Wait. Let me pay half,’ Jane said.
‘No.’ I put my hand over the money. ‘I’ve got this.’
‘ Awww , paying for the meal too. So romantic .’ Candace smiled mischievously again.
‘That’s really kind, thank you,’ Jane said. ‘I had a difficult day, so Jackson’s just being a good friend and helping to cheer me up.’
‘How lovely,’ Candace said.
‘The food was fantastic. Thanks for everything.’ I edged towards the door before she started making any more suggestive comments about me and Jane being more than just friends.
‘You’re welcome! Hope to see you both again soon. Enjoy the rest of your evening together.’ She winked, then strutted off to the kitchen.
‘She’s so cheeky!’ Jane said. As we stepped out onto the street a gust of wind hit us and Jane shivered.
‘You cold?’ I asked.
‘A bit,’ she said. ‘That’s the thing with being so close to the sea. The evenings are a bit chilly. If I’d known I was staying out so late I would’ve brought a scarf or a thicker jacket. Thanks again for tonight. I had a brilliant time.’
My heart swelled. Mission accomplished.
Jane shivered again.
‘Here.’ I whipped off my jacket and placed it over her shoulders. ‘This will keep you warm.’
‘I can’t take your jacket! What about you?’
‘I’m good. I’ve got plenty of hair on my chest to keep me warm.’
‘Have you?’ she asked, then her face dropped. ‘Sorry! I shouldn’t be asking about your naked chest.’
‘I was the one who mentioned it, don’t worry. And, no, I was only joking. I don’t have any hair on my chest.’
‘Oh… er… good to know.’
Jane’s eyes fixed on mine and she swallowed hard.
We held each other’s gaze. I imagined Jane running her hands over my chest. Then my mind pictured my chest pressed against hers, like it was this morning, but skin to skin.
I wondered how it’d feel to run my hands over her breasts .
To suck on her nipples.
To…
Shit.
‘Do you know what time the train leaves?’ I said, trying to drag my thoughts out of the gutter.
These fantasies about Jane were becoming way too frequent. In the beginning, I noticed they happened whenever I spent a lot of time with her. Back then they were limited to admiring her body and how beautiful and smart she was.
Then I’d thought about her when I was making my videos and things started escalating. It seemed like there was rarely a time I wasn’t thinking about Jane.
Thanks to reading Office Delight , I hadn’t been able to stop imagining her sucking me off and now me burying my tongue between her legs.
And I still thought about how much I’d love to take her up against the bookcases.
If ever I got the chance, I’d start by…
‘In twenty minutes, I think,’ Jane said and I snapped out of my thoughts.
Jesus.
What the hell was wrong with me?
‘Uh, okay. Cool,’ I said, quickly pulling back the sleeve of my shirt to look at my watch. ‘We’ve got plenty of time.’
For the rest of the walk, Jane was silent. I hadn’t realised at first because I was so busy chastising myself for allowing my fantasies to get so X-rated. Jane was a great girl. She would be horrified if she knew I was imagining all the different ways I wanted to fuck her.
I needed to keep my distance .
I knew Jane was going through shit at home and I was glad that taking her out tonight helped to cheer her up, but I needed to find other ways to help her that didn’t involve spending more time with her. Especially outside of work.
From now on, I’d just stick to general conversation in the library. We could talk about books, but I needed to avoid discussing the sex scenes like we did at dinner. Because reading about the kinds of things that Jane found hot just made me imagine us acting those things out. Together .
Which was definitely a me problem.
Just because Jane liked when a man—no, a book character—told the female main character to get on her knees and take this dick like a good girl , it didn’t mean she wanted a man to do that in real life.
And it definitely didn’t mean she wanted to do that with me .
‘Are you okay?’ I turned to face her and saw the lenses of her glasses were misty and tears were rolling down her cheek. Shit. Had I done or said something? I hoped she hadn’t somehow realised what I was thinking and got upset.
No. It couldn’t be that.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.
‘I can’t go home,’ she said. ‘I… it’s going to be awful. Dad will be so mad and…’
I stopped and stood in front of her. Jane’s hands were shaking and terror was written all over her face. My chest instantly tightened.
‘Does he ever hit you?’ I clenched my fist.
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘He doesn’t, but…’
‘I get it.’ I nodded. ‘He doesn’t need to. He makes the atmosphere hostile. The way he controls you is still a form of abuse. It’s not right that you have to deal with that. Listen, would it help if I come home with you and tried talking to him?’
‘No!’ Her head shot up and her eyes bulged. ‘Thank you, but that’d only make it worse. I don’t know what I’m going to do!’ She started crying.
‘Don’t you have somewhere else to go. Like a friend or a boyfriend…’ My words hung in the air.
I’d wanted to find out so many times whether she was dating but it didn’t seem right to ask. Bringing it up now wasn’t exactly good timing either, but the priority was to get her somewhere safe.
‘I don’t have one,’ she sobbed.
Relief washed over me that there wasn’t a man in her life and then I chastised myself. This wasn’t about my feelings for her. It was about keeping her safe.
‘And friends?’
She shook her head and then started sobbing so much she was practically hyperventilating.
I’d never seen her like this before. She was even more upset now than when I saw her this morning.
A pain ripped through my chest. I couldn’t bear seeing her like this. It was fucking awful.
‘Come home with me,’ I blurted out.
‘What?’ Her eyes widened with shock.
Shit.
That was a bad idea.
A very, very bad idea.
What the hell had I just done?