23. Jackson
23
JACKSON
‘ W ant a top-up?’ Jane asked, holding the bottle of Prosecco up over my glass.
We were on the sofa in the library hall. Shoes off, feet and bodies under a blanket as we read our books.
Jane was at one end of the sofa and I was at the other, but there was still less than a metre’s distance between us, so I was finding it difficult to concentrate. Especially as Rocco had just gone down on Virginia.
Again.
This time in the back of his limousine.
Just like the first time he’d eaten her out, this section was tabbed, highlighted, and circled, with asterisks in the margins, emphasising that this was something Jane definitely approved of.
A jolt of desire shot to my dick as I imagined Jane spread wide open and me licking her like she was my favourite ice cream.
‘Go on, then,’ I said, even though I knew this was a bad idea. Alcohol plus reading a steamy book, plus sitting with the woman you’d been attracted to since forever alone in an empty library surely equalled bad decisions, but somehow, I couldn’t say no.
‘Oh, I keep meaning to ask. Did you hear back from D.D. Desire yet or her agent?’ she asked, topping up my glass before pouring herself another and draining the bottle dry.
Damn, we finished that fast. I hadn’t even noticed. How many glasses had we had? Two? Three?
‘No. Nothing. I’ve followed up a few times, but the agent’s phone just rings out. I’ve sent two more emails and haven’t had a reply to those either.’
‘That’s a shame.’
‘Yeah. But I’m not giving up. And it also gives me more time to finish the book.’
‘How are you finding it now?’
‘It’s great.’ I sat up straighter, turned to face her, tucked my knees under my chin, then pulled the blanket up. Jane did the same as she pushed her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. ‘He’s been going down on her, a lot .’ I smirked.
‘Yeah. Rocco likes to do that…’ Her cheeks flushed.
I thought about the part where Virginia was trying to get to know Rocco better after they’d hooked up a few times; she innocently asked him what his favourite food was and he replied “your pussy”.
Damn.
‘It’s good that it’s written from the female gaze,’ I said, trying not to think about how Jane would taste. ‘That’s what I like about romance novels. They celebrate a woman getting pleasure, and I know a lot of women enjoy receiving oral sex even more than having intercourse, so it makes sense that the author has focused a lot on that. Don’t you think?’
‘Y-yeah.’ Jane took a large glug of her Prosecco. ‘She writes those scenes so well, it almost makes me feel like it’s me that’s experiencing everything, not Virginia. Then again, I have no idea whether it’s written realistically or not, seeing as I’ve never had a man do that to me.’
Jane’s eyes bulged as she realised what she’d just said.
‘Wait, what?’ My face creased, then distorted into what felt like a thousand different expressions. ‘Did you just say that a man has never gone down on you?’
Nah. I must be hearing things.
‘Yeah.’ She dropped her gaze to the book resting on the blanket. ‘Never.’
My jaw dropped.
That was fucking criminal.
Insane.
Nuts.
Incomprehensible.
There weren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe how crazy that was.
What man in their right mind would have a woman like Jane in bed with them and not want to give her pleasure?
What man wouldn’t want to taste her sweet pussy?
I’d give up food for days. I’d starve myself voluntarily if the reward was to spend one night feasting on her.
I’d give anything to be the first man to bury his head between her legs. I’d lick her over and over until she screamed my name.
Jesus.
I was supposed to be keeping my attraction for her under control, but hearing that a man had never pleasured her with his mouth made me want her more.
Jane was fiddling with the blanket and I realised that she was embarrassed about her confession. I needed her to know that it wasn’t her fault.
‘I’m sorry, Jane. On behalf of the entire male population, I apologise. Some men can be so fucking selfish.’ I shook my head. ‘Please tell me that they at least satisfied you in other ways?’
My heart thudded against my chest, waiting to hear her response.
‘Nope,’ she sighed loudly, then took another glug of Prosecco. ‘Never had an orgasm from a man. Never had a man go down on me. And never…’ She drained her glass dry. ‘Never had sex.’
‘What?’ My brows shot up to the ceiling.
No. Fucking. Way.
This time I was definitely hearing things.
Did she just say…?
Is Jane a…
Virgin?
I could believe that a man would be too lazy to satisfy a woman, but I found it impossible to believe that Jane, the most beautiful woman I’d laid eyes on, had never had sex.
I mean, we were thirty-one.
Yeah, she’d lived in Shamwick her whole life, which was hardly the dating capital of the world, but even so. She’d lived in London for a year.
I knew she was shy and softly spoken when she didn’t know people, but she must’ve been inundated with offers. At bars, on the street, on the train, even at the bookshop she worked in .
I didn’t get it.
‘I know, I know. I’m a weirdo.’ She let out a heavy sigh. ‘Now you can laugh at me. Just like they did at work. And you can start asking if Jane the Virgin , the TV show, which I’ve never seen by the way, was named after me. Go on, then! Laugh!’ Her eyes began to water. ‘Tell me I’m sad for beingthirty-one and a virgin. That I’m so hideous that no man will ever want me! Tell me I’ll end up like Steve Carell’s character in The 40-Year-Old Virgin . That I’ll become an old, lonely cat lady, just like my dad already thinks I am.’
‘No,’ I said softly, moving closer to her and taking her hands in mine. The sensation of holding her palms felt incredible, but I had to push those thoughts away. I needed to focus on making her feel better. ‘I’m not going to laugh at you. Am I surprised? Yes . But not because I think you’re weird. But because I’m stunned that a woman as beautiful and sexy as you doesn’t have an army of men beating down your door.’
‘What?’ Her head shot up. She looked at me, confusion etched all over her face. ‘You don’t mean that. You’re just saying that to make me feel better.’
‘No. What I’m saying is the truth. I honestly don’t know how any man has chosen to miss out on the opportunity to be with a woman like you. Whoever you decide to give yourself to, whether that’s in ten days or ten years, will be a very, very lucky man.’
She stared at me in silence.
‘You…’ She paused. ‘You think a man would be lucky to sleep with me?’
‘One hundred per cent.’ My dick twitched, literally begging for the opportunity, before I warned it to calm down. ‘Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. There’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right time and the right person. You shouldn’t be embarrassed about who you are. The right guy will understand that.’
‘I hope that’s true,’ she said. ‘Sometimes I just wish I could get it over and done with. I always thought it would happen, y’know? It wasn’t like I was holding out for religious reasons or anything. Well, I think in the beginning it was because I was scared.’
‘Scared?’ I asked. ‘Why? Because you thought it would be painful?’ I stroked her hand gently. Her skin was even softer than I’d imagined.
‘That too, but mainly because my parents put the fear of God in me.’
I ground my jaw. Her fucking parents. Did they have any idea how much they’d messed with her head?
‘What did they tell you?’ I tried to keep my voice level so she didn’t know how much anger was bubbling inside of me.
‘Do you remember Tracy Tennant?’
‘Yeah. You two were friends, right? She lived on your road.’
‘Remember she got pregnant at fifteen?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, when my parents heard, they freaked out. They went on and on about how disgusting it was, how her life was ruined, and told me that’s what happened to “dirty girls who gave in to temptation”. They told me that “those kinds of activities” should only be done by adults when they were married and were ready to procreate. They banned me from speaking to her. Said she’d corrupt me.’
‘You’re fucking kidding me? ’
‘No. I felt so bad. Everyone on our street gossiped about her. She never left the house. In the end her family moved away and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.’
‘That’s fucked up.’
‘Yeah. So it was just kind of drummed into me that I shouldn’t ever do it because if I got pregnant, I’d bring shame on the family. I saw how people were towards Tracy and I didn’t want that to happen to me. I hardly had any friends as it was.’
‘You had me.’
‘Only partly. Only in class. Because Dad and Wayne were always watching me like a hawk. I wasn’t allowed to go out and definitely wasn’t supposed to hang out with boys. That’s why I could never meet up with you. And then you went to a different college and we didn’t stay in touch?—’
‘Because of your family,’ I finished her sentence.
‘I know it sounds pathetic.’ She hung her head again.
‘But I always thought that when I went to uni, I’d finally be free to let my hair down a little and, y’know… of course that didn’t happen. Then I got stuck in Shamwick and never left.’
‘What about when you worked in the library in Hastings or when you lived in London?’
‘I tried dating, but then because sex had been built up so much in my head, I was nervous, so I wanted to take things slow. And inevitably, guys that I did date got tired of just kissing. They wanted to take things further. They weren’t willing to wait and so… in the end it would just fizzle out. I thought it was finally going to happen earlier this year with a guy I was dating from work, but then it all blew up in my face. ’
‘What happened?’ I asked.
Based on what she’d said earlier, it seemed like they’d teased her or something, but I wanted to hear the story for myself.
‘When he asked me out I couldn’t believe my luck. He was handsome, charming and he loved books.’
‘I bet that was a massive green flag.’ I smiled.
‘Yeah, at first. He mainly read sci-fi, so I wasn’t familiar with that genre, but I still liked the fact that he was a bookworm. We went on a few dates, like to the cinema or for a drink, that kind of thing, and we’d kiss. Whenever he tried to touch me up I’d freeze. So I had to tell him I wanted to take it slow because I wasn’t ready. I could tell he wasn’t happy, but he agreed. This went on for a couple of months and I thought we were fine. I still didn’t feel ready, but I thought I just needed a bit more time.’
‘That’s fair enough.’
‘But then one night, I was at home, reading a book, and it was kind of hot and I went to touch myself and I thought, what am I doing? I don’t have to do this. I have a boyfriend who will do this to me. By that time I think we’d been dating for three months and I finally felt ready. So I got dressed and headed back to work. I thought I’d surprise him. Tell him I wanted to go home with him to have sex. But when I got to the bookshop, my colleague said he wasn’t there. She said she thought he’d gone out. I should’ve known from the way she stuttered that something was wrong.’
‘Why do I not like the sound of how this story is going?’
‘I said I’d just pop to the loo whilst I was waiting for him to come back, but she followed me, saying I should wait at the till instead, which I thought was strange, but when I stepped into the toilets I realised why. I heard someone having sex and when I saw a familiar pair of brown trainers at the bottom of the toilet stall, I knew it was him.’
‘Shit.’
‘My colleague called out my name, probably to warn them I was there. I was mortified. I wanted to run, but he casually stepped out of the cubicle, zipping himself up, before I got a chance. And he wasn’t even sorry.’
‘What?’
‘He said it was my fault, for giving him blue balls, and that because I was so frigid, he had to go elsewhere. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” he said. “It’s been three fucking months! Anyone would think you’re a virgin or something!” He laughed and I froze. “Wait,” he said. “Don’t tell me you’re a virgin! You’re in your thirties! That’s fucking hilarious !”’ A tear rolled down Jane’s cheek and my heart broke for her.
‘I’m so sorry.’ I wiped her tear away. Jane took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes.
‘The toilets weren’t too far from the shop floor, so by that point, word had spread. Some other colleagues came to see what the commotion was and they all heard everything . I ran out of there, crying my eyes out. I was so embarrassed that everyone knew and that he’d cheated so blatantly. I took the next day off sick, something I never did. And when I came back, everyone kept laughing, making jokes, calling me Jane the Virgin.’
‘That’s so childish.’ I shook my head, trying to understand how people could be so cruel .
Both Jane and I used to get bullied at school. You’d think shit like that would change when we were adults but it looked like no matter what age they were, some idiots just got a kick out of seeing other people suffer.
‘I hoped it would die down once they got bored, but it didn’t. That’s why I had to leave. It was too hard. And I couldn’t find any other jobs and I was already finding living in London super expensive, so I moved back to my parents’. That’s when I saw the ad for a job at the library.’
‘Shit. I’m pissed that you had to go through that, but I’m glad that it led to you working here. Not just because it’s clear that you were made for this job, but also because it meant I got to see you again.’ I released one of my hands and brushed away another tear that had rolled down her cheek.
Our eyes locked and at that moment, I desperately wanted to lean forward and kiss her. I wanted to show her that she deserved more than the way that idiot had treated her.
She deserved a man who would spend hours, days, weeks, hell, his whole life worshipping her.
She deserved a man that would get on his knees without asking and understand that the opportunity to feast on her was an honour and a privilege.
Jane deserved a man who would take his time with her in bed, putting her pleasure, satisfaction and joy ahead of his own. Who would do everything he could to make her feel like the most special woman in the world.
Because she was. Jane was special. Precious.
I wasn’t lying when I said that any guy would be lucky to have her.
If the circumstances were different, I’d gladly throw my hat in the ring. I’d happily accept the chance to be her first.
But now I knew everything Jane had been through, I was more certain than ever that man couldn’t be me.
After waiting so long, Jane would want the fairy tale. A man that could commit to a relationship. Not a man who was so desperate for money that he’d just spent the afternoon filming himself flashing his dick to put on the internet for money.
No.
Now that I’d crossed that line, there was no going back.