24. Jane
24
JANE
W ow.
I’d done it.
No, not that .
My virginity was still well and truly intact, but I’d told someone about it. Voluntarily.
At first when I let it slip that a man had never gone down on me before, I was horrified, but once I’d started talking about it, I couldn’t stop. And actually, now that I’d spilled my guts about that and the reason I left my last job, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Never in a million years would I have thought that the person I’d tell would be Jackson, but now that I had, I saw that it made sense. He was so easy to talk to.
The way that he listened and didn’t judge was so sweet.
When he took my hands in his, I felt like my body had been set on fire. But once I’d managed to calm myself down, I began to relax again. It felt so natural that after a while, I didn’t even remember that our fingers were intertwined until just now when he took one hand away to wipe my cheek.
God. This man. He was everything .
Jackson was exactly the kind of man I’d want to take my virginity.
I wondered if…
If I asked him, would he…?
We’d been staring into each other’s eyes in silence for ages.
And he’d called me beautiful.
He’d said that any man would be lucky to have me. That it was the truth . So, maybe…
‘Jackson,’ I said, my heart thundering against my chest. ‘Y’know, you said that any guy would be lucky to… pop my cherry, I-I wondered if… if you… would you… could that guy be you ?’ I swallowed the lump in my throat and as Jackson’s face fell, I instantly knew I’d made a mistake by asking.
Crap.
I should’ve learnt my lesson after last time. I shouldn’t ever consider getting involved with someone at work. So stupid .
‘Jane,’ he said softly and my stomach plummeted. ‘That’s not a good idea. We work together and… things are just… complicated for me right now.’
‘Don’t worry. I get it.’ I jumped up from the sofa and slid on my shoes. ‘I’d better go to my parents’. It’s late.’ I scooped up the empty Prosecco bottle and glasses. ‘I’ll sort these out first.’
‘Jane. Don’t be upset. I…’
‘It’s fine!’ I rushed off to the cafe’s kitchen, washed up the glasses, then put the bottle of Prosecco in the recycling bin before rushing to the loo.
I whipped off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. They were red and bloodshot from a combination of tiredness and tears. No wonder he didn’t want to do anything with me. Jackson was just being kind when he said those things. I was stupid for believing he’d ever be interested.
Probably just as well, really. I wasn’t even prepared. I was wearing my usual boring white cotton underwear, and although I kept everything downstairs tidy, I’d always thought that if I was going to lose my virginity, maybe I’d go and get a Brazilian.
I had no idea whether it was ‘normal’ to be all bare downstairs or not, but I guessed that men preferred it if they were going to be feasting down there. But what the hell did I know?
Anyway, considering Jackson had just rejected me, it wasn’t important.
Once I’d been to the loo and washed my hands, I stepped outside and saw Jackson standing in the hallway holding my handbag and jacket.
‘You forgot these. And like I told you earlier, I’m walking you home.’
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘But please forget about what I just asked you.’
‘But, Jane, I…’
‘Please, Jackson. I’m really embarrassed and I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Okay.’ He nodded.
I was supposed to be preparing an email to inform our members about our silent reading party this Friday, but my mind kept drifting back to last night.
Luckily Jackson had kept his word not to talk about what had happened and we walked to the station in silence. When we got on the train, we read, and then once we got to my street, he stood and watched as I went inside.
I went straight into the bathroom, then to bed and made sure I left early this morning to avoid bumping into anyone. Then I’d gone for breakfast at Sweet Treats until it was time to come to work.
So far I’d avoided Jackson, but it was only a matter of time before I saw him.
When one of the volunteers relieved me for my break, I went to the office. Jess was in there with Theo and thankfully there was no sign of Jackson. He must be in the bookshop.
‘How did it go with your dad yesterday?’ I asked Theo.
It was the first time I’d seen them both properly all morning and I’d been patiently waiting to find out if there’d been any developments.
‘He denied it.’ Theo rubbed the back of his neck. ‘He said he was a busy man and had better things to do with his time than throw bricks through windows like a thug.’
‘He was so smug about it too.’ Jess scowled. ‘Said the library was destined to fail before it even opened and that it was sure to go under soon without him even having to lift a finger, so all he had to do was sit back and wait for it to happen and when it did, he’d be happy to snap it up. The bastard even predicted he’d get it at a bargain rate because by that point we’d be so desperate to sell.’
‘No way,’ I gasped .
‘That’s my father.’ Theo shook his head. ‘Ever the cold, ruthless businessman. He hasn’t changed.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. I genuinely was. I knew what it was like to have an awful dad.
‘So we’re back to square one.’ Jess blew out a frustrated breath. ‘The police still don’t have any leads, so we just have to hope that changes and, in the meantime, keep an eye out.’
‘Don’t worry.’ Theo stood up, walked behind Jess and rubbed her shoulders. He was always so affectionate towards her. She was so lucky. ‘We’ll find whoever did this. How about I take you out tonight?’
‘Thanks, but I’m doing the late shift,’ Jess said.
‘I don’t mind staying late!’ I jumped in.
‘You stayed late yesterday!’ Jess said.
‘It’s okay, honestly.’
‘Seriously, Jane, I don’t know what I’d do without you,’ Jess said softly and I knew she meant every word. It was nice to feel wanted.
‘You’re welcome.’
The day flew by. I’d sent out another email about the silent reading party and already received multiple RSVPs to confirm they’d be attending.
Basically, guests paid to come and sit and read together in our events room. The ticket price included a glass of Prosecco and nibbles and they could either bring their own book, check one out from the library or buy one. The idea was that we made money on the tickets and the extra drinks and snacks we anticipated they’d buy. I was already looking forward to it.
‘My last customer just left,’ Jackson said. When he’d heard I was working late, he’d volunteered to stay late too so that Theo could take Jess out, which was kind. Still felt awkward about last night, though. ‘You all clear in here?’
‘Yeah. I was just about to organise the blankets and stuff.’
‘Do you want to stay and read for a bit?’ he asked.
‘In silence?’ I said, hoping he understood that I didn’t want to discuss my pathetic request for him to take my virginity.
‘If you want.’
‘Okay, then.’ I nodded. Excitement fizzed in my stomach and I told myself to calm down. I’d definitely be drinking tea today. There was no way I could risk embarrassing myself two nights in a row. ‘I’m just going to the loo.’
‘Cool. I’ll lock up.’
When I returned to the library, Jackson was already sitting there with Office Delight on his lap and there were two mugs of tea and a plate of rich tea biscuits on the table in front of the sofa.
My stomach flipped. I didn’t know how he did it, but somehow he just always knew what I needed.
After picking up my book from under the meet-cute desk, I walked over to the sofa in silence, toed off my shoes, and slid under the blanket next to Jackson.
‘Thank you for…’ I pointed to the tea and biscuits.
‘You’re welcome.’ He started reading again, then stopped. ‘Look, I know I agreed not to talk about last night, but I just need to get something off my chest because it’s been eating me up inside all day.’ Jackson turned to face me and I fought the urge to meet his gaze.
‘Jane, I need you to know that it genuinely isn’t about you. I meant everything I said. If the circumstances were different, I’d jump at the chance to… to be with you. You’re smart, kind, and fucking gorgeous. I’ve always liked you. Even when we were kids.’
‘What?’ My head bolted up. He seemed genuine, but it didn’t make sense. There wasn’t a single guy that was interested in me at school and I couldn’t blame them. I’d dressed like a nun and worn braces and hideous thick-rimmed glasses.
‘I was crazy about you! There were so many times I wanted to ask you out, but I never had the guts. And when I finally plucked up the courage to ask you to the school dance, your brother must’ve sensed I liked you and warned me off.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Deadly.’
‘I had no idea.’ I shook my head with disbelief. ‘I wasn’t allowed to go anyway, because Wayne told Dad there’d be alcohol there and Dad said drinking leads women to make bad decisions.’
Jackson shook his head with disbelief.
‘Doesn’t matter now. Anyway, the point is, I don’t want you to think that you’re not desirable or feel like I rejected you because I’m not interested, because that’s not the reason why. One of the reasons I can’t get involved is because we work together. I did that in my last job and I ended up having to leave.’
‘What?’ My eyes bulged, thinking how similar it sounded to my situation. ‘What happened? ’
Jackson inhaled deeply.
‘I got involved with a woman at work that I shouldn’t have. From the start I knew it was a bad idea. She made it very clear that she was interested, and I can’t lie—I was flattered. She was smart and attractive. There wasn’t a guy in the office who didn’t want to be with her. After being the nerdy ugly duckling that girls used to laugh at at school and college, it felt good that out of all the guys in the office, I was the one she wanted. But I’d always believed in the motto: don’t shit where you eat. And as big-headed as it might sound now, by the time I got that job, I didn’t have a problem finding women to sleep with, so it didn’t make sense to complicate things by having sex with a co-worker.’
‘So what changed?’ I asked softly.
‘We were at a work party and like always at these things, there was a lot of alcohol. Normally I’m pretty sensible, but that night we were celebrating a successful deal and I overdid it. Next thing I knew, I was dancing with her, then she led me outside and suggested we go up to her room.’
‘Was the party in a hotel?’
‘Yeah. They had a restaurant downstairs and rooms upstairs, so a lot of people planned to stay overnight because they knew it’d be easier. Anyway, I was alert enough to say what I’d been saying for months: hooking up wasn’t a good idea. But she persisted and I was weak. She said it’d be a one-off. That her father, who owned part of the company, was about to set her up with a husband, so she wanted one last hurrah before she settled down.’
‘Her father had found her a husband?’ My face crumpled. ‘Sorry. That’s not the point. Carry on. ’
‘I thought it was strange too, because she was so ambitious. I always thought she was the kind of woman who called her own shots, but her father was known for being a ball-breaker, so I didn’t question it. The thing I focused on most was the fact that she’d said that it could only be a one-off. That seemed like a win-win. I’d get to sleep with a hot colleague, then we’d go back to normal. I thought we were on the same page. We slept together, I left and thought that was that. But then on the Monday morning, she called me into her office, locked the door and said she wanted to do it again.’
‘No!’ My jaw dropped.
‘Yep. I told her that we had an agreement. That it was just a one-off. She said she didn’t remember that conversation, which was bullshit because she wasn’t drunk. I wouldn’t have slept with her if she was. I’d drunk too much, but I was alert and sober enough to remember what we’d discussed. But she said that if I didn’t want her to tell her father that I’d touched her, I needed to do whatever she asked.’
‘Wow. That’s awful.’
‘It was.’ Jackson adjusted his position in the sofa. ‘And I told her so. I walked out and went to my superior. I wanted to get ahead of the situation.’
‘Good idea.’
‘I thought it was. But instead of taking it seriously, he just called me a lucky bastard and said the whole office would give their right arm for a roll in the hay with her, so I should stop whingeing.’
‘Oh my God!’
‘Yeah. Anyway, she wasn’t happy that I’d turned her down and called me into her office the next day to see if I’d “seen sense yet”, and when I told her I wasn’t changing my mind, she was furious. She repeated what she’d said before: that if I didn’t do what she asked, she’d ruin me. At first I thought it was an empty threat. She was just some entitled woman who was used to getting what she wanted and would move on when she got bored, but she didn’t. She kept her promise. Whenever anything went wrong, I don’t know how she did it, but I’d get the blame. She didn’t just make my work life hell, she’d turn up at my apartment too. Once she turned up naked.’
‘What?’ My brows knitted together.
‘She wore a coat but was naked underneath. She’d found out where I lived and tried to force herself inside. As well as stunts like that, she’d also call my phone at two in the morning on repeat, so I always had to keep it switched off at night. When I blocked her, she’d just call from a different number. I changed my number twice, but it didn’t make a difference because the office needed my number on file and so did my clients, so it wasn’t difficult for her to get hold of it.’
‘Surely that was some sort of data protection breach?’ I shook my head with disbelief.
‘Probably. And when I was in the office, she’d grope me—she was always smart enough to do it when someone was looking away. I started dreading going to work because I never knew what she was going to do next. When she became my boss, things got worse. Whenever I tried to report it internally and go over her head, I was either laughed at or warned off. Marcus suggested going to the police, but by that point, she’d already warned me that if I tried to fuck with her I’d lose. “All I have to say is that you came on to me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Who do you think they’ll believe? A petite woman like me, or a big, imposing man like you? Your reputation with the ladies definitely won’t help your case.” She grinned, and that was when I knew I was fucked.’
‘What a cow!’ I said. ‘Women like that ruin things for the true victims of sexual harassment who are brave enough to come forward.’
‘Exactly. That was what I said to her and she said she didn’t care. That she always got what she wanted. She made every day at work a living hell. And in the end it all became too much. It brought back all the bad memories from being bullied at school. But this time it was worse because no one in the office had my back, like you did at Northwood.’
‘Oh, Jackson,’ I said, a lump forming in my throat. I remembered how bad the bullying had got sometimes. They called him such awful names, start singing Michael Jackson songs whenever he walked in the room and used to taunt him about his braces and broken glasses when he couldn’t afford to get them fixed and had to use Sellotape. Luckily he qualified for a voucher from the NHS to get some new ones.
I always did whatever I could to stick up for him, but I didn’t exactly have any clout myself.
‘No one could understand why I didn’t just fuck her and do whatever she wanted.’
‘That’s so wrong.’
‘They didn’t see it like that. I thought when I started working out and bulked up, no one would ever be able to make me feel shitty again like they did at school. But I was wrong. In the end I had to decide whether I wanted to keep working in an environment that was messing up my head or leave and keep my sanity. I’d been saving up to buy my own place and had a chunk of money, so I decided to resign. I thought she’d be happy because she’d won. But she said she wasn’t done with me yet and if I went through with it, she’d make sure I never worked in finance again.’
‘Could she do that?’
‘Her dad was influential, so yeah. At the time, I didn’t care. I was done. I was mentally exhausted. And like I said, I had money saved up, so I thought I’d be fine to take time out for a few months whilst I worked out my next move. But it was only when I left that I realised how much what had happened had affected me. I went to stay at my mum’s for a week and never left. And then… anyway, long story short, some things came up.’ Jackson avoided my gaze and shifted on the sofa. ‘So the money, it… er, it didn’t last as long as I’d hoped and when I tried to apply for jobs in the same sector, I started getting panic attacks and I realised I needed to try a different path.’
‘I’m so sorry. Do you still get them now?’
‘No. Thankfully, I haven’t had one for a while.’
‘That’s good.’
My heart broke for Jackson. I hated that he had to go through that.
I wondered where all his savings had gone and what he meant by ‘some things came up’. It seemed like there was more to the story, but I didn’t think it was the right time to ask. He’d already opened up a lot.
‘So yeah, that’s one of the reasons why I’m apprehensive about getting involved with someone else from work.’
‘I understand. And thanks for telling me. I know it can’t have been easy. But, Jackson, you know I’d never do something like that to you, right? ’
‘I know, I know. It’s just… it’s better to keep things professional. The point is, I need you to understand that it’s not that I don’t want to. Yesterday when you told me that a man had never gone down on, you don’t know how tempted I was to lay you down right here and rectify that. But you’d been drinking and…’
‘I haven’t been drinking tonight,’ I jumped in.
What the hell?
I couldn’t believe I’d just said that.
‘So if you wanted to… you could.’ I blushed. What was I just saying about not embarrassing myself again? I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Talk about a glutton for punishment. ‘Sorry.’ I dropped my gaze to the floor. ‘Forget it. It was insensitive of me to ask, especially after what you just told me.’
Just as I was about to consider whether I should get up and leave after putting my foot in it and not respecting his feelings, I felt the heat from his fingers as he lifted my chin.
My gaze flicked up, and when I looked at him, Jackson’s eyes were the colour of charcoal.
‘That’s what you really want?’ he growled. ‘You want me to spread your legs and lick your pussy, on this sofa?’
‘I’m sorry.’ I winced. ‘Like I said, it was wrong of me to ask. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable like your ex-colleague did.’
‘You’re right. You’re nothing like her. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I know all women aren’t the same.’ He paused and I could tell he was thinking. ‘You didn’t answer my question. I asked if you want me to spread your legs and lick your pussy.’
‘Oh, I, er…’ My brain froze and my eyes widened. I st ill wasn’t sure if he’d really just asked me that or if I was dreaming.
‘Jane. If you really don’t want to upset me, answer my question.’
‘I…’ I hesitated, still feeling guilty that what he’d said was exactly what I wanted. ‘Yes,’ I whispered.
‘And if I did that, would it make you feel better? Would it make you believe that you really are desirable?’
I paused for a few moments, wondering if this was a trick question.
‘Um…yes.’ I nodded.
Jackson held my gaze and I could literally hear the wheels turning in his head again.
My pulse rocketed and tingles raced between my legs.
No way.
Was he seriously considering it?
Even after what he’d just told me about his past and not wanting to get involved with someone at work again?
I held my breath, waiting for his response.
Could this really be happening?
After years of longing, wishing and hoping, was I finally about to have my first proper sexual experience?
Either way, it looked like I wouldn’t have to wait long to find out…