26. twenty six #2
“Before my mom left…” she began. Damn. “All she and my stepdad would do was fight. They’d fight so badly.
There would always be trash, cracked windows, and broken shards everywhere.
All I would hear at home would be cries and yells.
Screams. Most of them were mine. I would scream in terror.
I never wanted anything to happen to my mom, back then.
I wanted to protect her. But I never knew that she was the one who was supposed to protect me.
“One night, I was awoken by a car speeding out of the lot. It’d been my mom driving away.
I remember crying for her to come back, grabbing onto the window, begging for her to listen to me.
Nonetheless, she continued driving and left me.
I haven’t seen her since. I was six. Eleven years have passed and not once has she reached out.
Mario—my stepdad—did things right at first. He took care of me.
He hugged me whenever I missed my mom, but I think it was because he missed her too.
Until he realized that she wasn’t going to come back.
I know that he searched for her once, when he came back…
he came back different. From that day forward, I had to grow up with my stepdad.
Then… I entered my teenage years, and I felt like he would constantly observe me too much.
“He would touch my legs. He would grab me and try to lure me into his room. I had to learn to fight back. Because if I hadn’t…
I know he would’ve done something to me.
There was this one time, I’d gotten home, and he tried to—you know.
And I had to jump over the nearest fence after butting my head on his nose.
“I’ve been living like that, fighting for my own life, since I was thirteen.
After a while, I just got tired. I wanted to leave but, I didn’t have any money.
I got a job and started to save up when I found out about the study abroad programs at my previous school.
I love to learn, I always have. I love to challenge myself and prove my own worth.
My parents didn’t value me; I might as well do it for myself.
“What kind of mother does that to her own child? Leave her to the mercy of a stranger. Of a disturbed man. I don’t know. Words will never be enough to explain the brokenness I carry inside of my heart.”
I couldn’t say anything. I’d been astounded by how much she’d suffered.
She didn’t deserve to live through all of that.
And I also didn’t have an answer to her inquiry, because I didn’t understand either, and asked myself the same question every day.
What kind of mother abandons her child? Especially when that child is Lysandra.
This girl felt so deeply, strongly, passionately.
It was her mother’s loss, but what hurt me the most was that it was Lysandra’s loss too.
“You don’t have to say anything. I know it’s a lot to take in at once.” She sniffed.
“You didn’t deserve all that,” I said softly, pushing my frames up.
She shook her head with a dash of anger striking her expression. “Of course I didn’t. I was only a child.”
I examined her. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, her beauty. The tribulations she’d endured and her perseverance only caused me to feel more attracted to her. I knew then just how Charles Darnay felt when he was drawn to France like a Loadstone Rock.
“You don’t have to worry about that anymore. All of that is past you now.”
“My ghosts will haunt me until my grave. There is no fixing for the cracks in my soul.”
“I promised that you wouldn’t have to carry your sorrows in solitude, and I’m going to uphold my vow to you.”
Her honey-brown eyes scanned me. More like scrutinized me, but I knew that the fierce aspects of herself were portrayals of the wall she’d built to protect herself. It was a mask she’d lift whenever she felt vulnerable, scared, or insecure. “I don’t need anyone to come save me. Much less a boy.”
“I’m not here to save you. But I am going to help you; those are two different things.
I’ll be here to remind you that the past is in the past. I will listen to every sour memory you need to spill.
I will be the shoulder that you will lean on from now on.
You went through all of that completely and utterly alone.
But now, you have me. And I’m not going anywhere.
” I watched her accept my presence into the deepest, yet darkest, pieces of her soul.
“What about you?” she asked.
“Me?” I questioned.
“Yeah. I saw what happened with your dad that day. I never mentioned anything about it because I didn’t want to intrude, but now that you’ve stuck your entire face in my business, it would only be fair if you told me your sorrows as well.”
I stuttered, not knowing what to say. My mum and my friends, had never asked me. They all knew, yet they didn’t care enough to ask about my pains. The only other person, other than Lysandra, who truly cared about me was my sister, Maya.
“It doesn’t matter,” I replied. “We can talk about that another time. Today is about you and not me.”
“Ezra Van Dorren, that is not fair.”
I sighed. “Fine… fine. Well, my entire life, I learned the social rules of the class in which I had been born into. There were rules, expectations, and standards for the Van Dorren family. We couldn’t be scandalous; we had to be perfect, exemplary, disciplined.
I learned these rules from my mother, who was the best teacher I could have ever had.
But then there’s the issue with my father.
The twisted tutor. Whenever he believed that I wasn’t living up to his standards, I would be punished for embarrassing him.
Whether it was that I spoke out of place, got a bad grade, or wasn’t careful with hiding my bruises.
I never understood why he decided that abuse would be the best way to teach a child.
I vowed never to be like him. I vowed that I would be a good father to my son, or daughter.
That I would be gentle, but I would be stern when necessary.
I would find the balance. I wouldn’t be a monster—”
And just like that, the lump in my throat was harsher to gulp down. I couldn’t bring myself to speak more about it.
“I’m sorry. I’ve tried to talk about it with therapists, but it’s just really hard,” I whispered.
She set a hand on my shoulder; her warmth almost engulfing me completely.
I wanted her to close the space between us.
I looked down into her dark stare; her brows had been scrunched.
There was a sort of understanding when she looked at me.
Although people joked that green and blue gazes were the ones who seemed to be look into your soul, her honey eyes inundated my essence.
“It’s okay.”
“No, I have to. I made you talk about it.”
“No, you didn’t. I told you because I wanted to. You can tell me when you’re brave enough. For now, let me win this game.” She mocked me.
I scoffed slightly.
“You’ll talk about it when you’re ready.
I’ve been dying to tell someone everything that I’d been keeping to myself, even if I fought you about it at first. You…
you still have to deal with your abuser.
I’m thousands of miles away from mine, and even if it still hurts… at least I’m not accumulating wounds.”
I turned away, examining the pavement that had been a few feet away. Music flowed between us. The ringing of laughter encircled us. Silhouettes danced erratically and joyfully.
It would be time to head back soon, but I wanted to embark on one more adventure.
One that was simple to others, but I didn’t know whether it would be for her.
If she didn’t want to join me, then it was a lesson I would have to teach her.
Not a harsh one, but hopefully a pleasurable one.
Perhaps I would have a chance to express my deep admiration for her.
I stood up, and held out my hand to her with a grin. She glanced at me before rolling her eyes and taking my hand. We stepped onto the sidewalk, strolling toward the stone pavement across from the square. Closer to the music.
“I don’t know how—”
“It’s okay. I’m here to teach you,” I said.
Slowly, my fingers reached for her other hand.
The warmth of her frame engulfed me, and I never wanted to let go.
Her hands, despite fighting courageous battles, were soft.
The golden light of the street lamps created a bright blanket over her features.
It was majestic, as if the city of Edinburgh became enchanting because of her beauty.
We swayed back and forth together. Her brow slightly raised as she realized how close we were. I prayed that she didn’t feel repulsed by me, by the thought of me.
I felt drawn to her lips, my gaze lowered to them. I looked back up to her eyes, asking for consent.
But there was none, so I pulled back and curled my own mouth into a grin before spinning her in place. She chuckled. When she neared my embrace, I whispered, “You are so beautiful.”
Two words that I thought about every time she came into my mind. She was beautiful. She was beauty itself. I had never known a woman like her before in my life, and I don’t think I ever would again.
The brilliance in her eyes faded; her gaze grew dark. She pushed me away. Nothing but rage filled her expression. Then she looked down at her hands, biting the inside of her cheek. Remorse and shock filled her countenance.
“Let’s go home. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Perhaps I made my move too fast.
I hoped she didn’t see my grimaced expression as we walked back to the entrance of the square, and I texted Alfred to come back. I could already hear his mocking comments about my failed attempt to woo Lysandra. We remained silent and I didn’t particularly enjoy it.