27. Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Blaze
Go after her!
My brain is screaming at me as I swing my Jeep door open and slide out. My head is pounding with shock. I know sometimes I miss the obvious, but Addy just told me she’s in love with me.
And I … seized up.
Choked.
I’m still frozen, and I don’t know how to respond. Which is why I’ve been sitting in front of her house for fifteen minutes, and am now pacing back and forth in her driveway.
I can’t believe this is happening. This must be some type of twisted nightmare. Here I thought friendship would keep us together, and I lost her anyway.
My biggest fear just came true.
I feel like I’m gonna be sick.
I want to say something to her, but my anxiety has me in a chokehold. I’ve forgotten how to formulate a proper sentence. The few words I did get out, she didn’t want to hear.
I can’t do this.
I climb back into my Jeep and shut the door. My head falls into my hands as a deep, gut-wrenching pain overwhelms my system. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. And where do we even go from here? Do I trust that eventually we’ll be friends again? Or … do I try to be her boyfriend? What if I’m not a good boyfriend? I’m clearly already a bad friend.
Ugh.
I throw the car into drive and pull away, my mind reeling. I need help. I need my friends. I need a mom or dad I can call for advice.
I speed across town to the get-together I skipped out on in order to see Addy. I’m always more than happy to skip things for her—and if she called me, I still would. So why am I so confused right now?
I park along the street, seeing the plethora of cars outside of Dylan’s house.
With a sigh, I rake my fingers through my hair and head for the front door. This whole party thing has no appeal without Addy. She’s the one who keeps me social. She’s the person I lean on all the time, so why am I so scared of being romantic with her?
“Hey, man,” Kade greets, swinging open the front door. “You look… You look like we need to talk.” He suddenly blocks the entrance and steps outside with me. “It didn’t go well with Addy, did it?”
I shake my head, unable to conjure up the words to explain how I’m feeling—which has become an unfortunate recurring theme.
His hand lands on my shoulder. “Dude, just take a minute and breathe. We’ve got all night.”
Nodding, I start to feel a rush of unwanted grief roll through my body.
She has no idea how bad it hurt to be told we can’t be friends anymore.
If this is anything close to heartbreak, then I don’t want it.
“It’s all good.” Kade waits with me, his hand on my shoulder as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to breathe and find a way to explain what happened.
Finally, after a few minutes, I lift my head, unwanted moisture in my eyes. “She told me we can’t be friends anymore—and I know it’s all my fault because I kissed her, but I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
Kade frowns. “And did she say why you two can’t be friends anymore?”
“Because she fell in love with me—like love love. And … I really care about her. I do. But she doesn’t understand that I can’t do the romantic thing with her…”
“Because you’re scared of losing her, right? But now, it sounds like you lost her anyway.” Kade tilts his head, trying to understand me. “Dude, I don’t get it. You don’t ever cry, and here you are in tears over Addy. So clearly, you love her, too. Why not just be with her?”
“How could I be with her and not mess it up? I’ve already messed up our friendship. She was my only real family and I lost her, just like I’ve lost every semblance of family I’ve ever had in my life. I mess everything up.”
Kade gives me an embarrassingly sympathetic look. “Listen, man,” he starts, his tone gentle. “I get that you’re scared. And you have good reason to be, you’ve been through a lot. But … I think you need to give yourself a little more credit.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, man.”
“Well I do. You’re a good person, Blaze. And a really great friend, not just to me, but to our whole team. And you’ve been there for Addy for over a decade. You two are practically an old married couple already. You just need to add in some kissing and whatever else, and bam .”
“But now it’s too late,” I say quietly. “She said I broke her heart, and I did .”
“You also broke your own heart.”
Before I can respond, Dylan and Cam slip out into the front yard, laughing. Dylan catches sight of us and jogs over, holding out a beer to me.
“You look like you need this.”
I take it from him. “Thanks.”
“So, what’s going on?” Cam asks.
“He and Addy broke up.” Kade proceeds to fill my teammates in on everything that happened.
“I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to hurt her.”
“Just go tell her you’re sorry,” Cam says quietly. “I mean, if I were in her shoes, I’d want an apology. Nila broke my heart at one point, and she made up for it, you know? I know she was going through some things, and she wasn’t sure if she could commit. It was scary for her—and I think you’re in the same place.”
“Yeah, but you shouldn’t go running to her if you don’t know for sure that a relationship is really what you want,” Kade adds. “An apology followed by ‘Hey, let’s try to be friends’ isn’t going to go over well. It’s not going to change the fact that she already said she can’t be ‘just friends’ anymore. It’s too painful for her.”
I run my hands over my face. “You guys confuse me.” I groan. “I think I’m just gonna go home and sleep on it tonight. This is a disaster. Plus, her birthday is coming up, which makes this whole thing even worse.”
“Just take it one day at a time,” Dylan says. “Let us know if we can do anything for you.”
“Okay,” I mutter. “Night.” My shoes are quiet on the pavement as I make my way back to my Jeep. Every ounce of me wants to drive back to Addy’s house, beat on her door, and tell her that I’m such a freaking idiot.
But then what?
Kiss her.
My heart jolts at the thought. She’d probably smack me across the face at this point. I’ve royally messed everything up.
I make it to my Jeep and tear open the driver’s side door.
Maybe if I give it some time, we can talk again.
And maybe during that time, I can figure out how to be a good boyfriend.
It sounds so stupid, but it’s the truth. Everyone says I just need to keep doing what I’ve been doing with Addy, but being someone’s life partner, holding someone’s heart in your hands, is a huge responsibility. I was never taught how to do that. Most of the foster families I stayed with were dysfunctional, and love was never a priority.
How do you learn how to be a good boyfriend when you’ve never had a role model to show you what that looks like? How are you supposed to know what it takes to have a healthy relationship? Especially when it comes to opening up and talking about the hard stuff…
If there’s anyone I could do it with, it’d be Addy.
That thought causes my heart to squeeze as I start the engine and make the short drive back to my house. I pull into the garage and shut the door behind me. My eyes land on a pair of her tennis shoes in my garage, covered in mud from when we went hiking. She didn’t want to get her car dirty, so naturally, she left them in my garage.
I chuckle at the memory, then quickly frown.
There won’t be any more memories with her if I don’t fix this.
I swallow hard and swing the door open, stepping inside my empty house. It’s always empty.
Slipping through my living room, I catch sight of the only picture I have on display—one of Addy and me at Disney World. She bought the frame, put it together, and set it there on my shelf. I stare at it for several long seconds.
We look like a couple.
My heart thumps in my chest as I think back to our picnic on the beach. The same picnic I was trying to make up for my mistake—but ended up kissing her again. What’s wrong with my head? Why did I do that?
I know why she dared me to kiss her.
She had feelings for me.
But why did I want to kiss her?
I shake my head as I make my way to my room and crash down on the bed, haunted by the memories of my body wrapped around hers while we slept in Hawaii. Her fingers perfectly interlaced with mine when we held hands. Her hips beneath my fingertips in the sand. The sweet taste of her lips on mine.
I mean, I’d never do those things with any other woman.
I’d never be interested in it.
I just want to do those things with Addy.
Because I’m in love with her, too.
My heart races at the thought.
I’ve gotten so good at swallowing my romantic feelings that I somehow convinced myself nothing I felt was anything more than just close friends.
But it’s so much deeper than that.
I want to be the one who she comes home to after a long day, and wakes up next to in the morning. The one who holds her hand through all of life’s ups and downs. The one who wipes away her tears and makes her laugh when she feels like crying. The one who makes her feel safe and cherished.
I roll over on my back and stare at the ceiling fan swirling overhead.
“I’m in love with you, too, Addy,” I say to the fan, wishing I’d been brave enough to say that to her face tonight.
I close my eyes, trying to figure out where to go from here. In my head, it’s easy. I’d just get up in the morning, drive over to her place with a massive bouquet of flowers, and tell her how sorry I am—and that I love her, too. I’d kiss her until neither of us could breathe.
I’d probably just marry her the next day, too. Skip the dating stuff.
I laugh out loud at how absolutely ridiculous I sound. Knowing Addy, she wouldn’t give me more than five seconds before she flipped me off and sent me on my way. I know her well enough to know that she’ll give me the cold shoulder.
But still, I could just tell her right now, get it off my chest…
I reach for my phone and pull up her number, hitting the call button. I put it to my ear, trying to breathe as I prepare myself. I’m sorry. I love you, too. That’s it. That’s all I have to say, and then we’ll figure it out from there. I don’t have to have all the answers right now.
The call goes straight to voicemail.
I furrow my brow and try again.
Nope. Straight to voicemail. Again.
I type out a text to her.
Me: I know I messed up and I am so sorry. Can we talk?
I hit send and watch intently, waiting to see if it’s been read. And that’s when I notice my text message doesn’t show the usual “delivered” message underneath. Which can only mean one thing.
Addy blocked me.
My heart rattles my chest as yet another fear is realized. Addy is done with me. It really is too late.
How am I ever going to fix this?