26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
Addy
“Oh?” My heart starts to break. “I just told you that I have romantic feelings for you— big ones, with the l word—and you’re just going to say oh?”
He shakes his head, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I’m just trying to process it, Addy. It’s a lot.”
“How so? When you’re the one who broke the rules and initiated the kiss?” I throw my hands up, my emotions swirling in my chest. “Friends don’t just kiss each other for no reason. That’s ridiculous.”
“I just…” His voice trails off, almost too quiet for me to make out. “You don’t get it, Addy. I could be head over heels in love with you, but it wouldn’t matter. Because I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. My breathing starts to pick up, rattling my chest as I process his words. “So, let me get this straight. You could be in love with me, but you won’t ever do anything about it? Because of our friendship ?”
“You don’t understand,” Blaze says, his voice rushed. “You’re my family, Addy. You’re it. You’re all I have.”
My hands begin to shake as I try not to cry. “So I’m it, but I’m not worth pursuing romantically, because you don’t want to lose me?”
He nods, his visible relief grinding my nerves. “Yeah, you’re my everything, Addy, and I messed up when I broke the rules. I just … I got caught up in the moment, and it felt good to pretend like you were my girlfriend. But I can’t risk losing our friendship. I just want us to go back to the way things were.”
I fall into silence, mulling it all over before blurting out, “Did you ever have real feelings for me?” I don’t know why I feel the need to know, but I do.
I want to know.
Blaze’s eyes fall to his hands. “The night of your graduation party was the first time I ever told you I loved you.”
My heart jumps to my throat. “Yeah, as a friend.”
He looks up, holding my gaze. “I didn’t mean it as a friend, Addy.”
“What?!” I gasp. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Blaze leans forward, reaching for his water. “I had planned to lay out all my feelings that night. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe it was a bad idea.”
“Are you serious? I had the biggest crush on you. Things could’ve been so different between us.”
“Maybe. But what if I didn’t meet your family’s expectations? What if we broke up? What if I lost you forever?” His eyes stay focused on his water. “What we have is too important to me to risk it all by trying to be something more. It was then, and it is now. You’re my best friend, Addy. And you always will be.”
“Blaze…” I say his name slowly, wishing more than anything that I didn’t have to say what’s coming next.
“Yeah?”
I meet his eyes, holding them. “I can’t be friends with you right now.”
He blinks. “We said we’d always be friends.”
“But I can’t be friends right now, Blaze,” I repeat, reaching out and grabbing his hand. “I have to get over you, and I don’t think I can do that like this. I can’t keep going on as if things are normal between us and still find some way to move on. My feelings are much too strong for you.” I bat away the tear that villainously slips down my cheek. But he’s left me no choice, and I have to be honest. And even if he has real feelings for me, they’re obviously not as strong as mine—because there’s no way that I can just be friends with him.
Definitely not right now.
Maybe not ever.
“I…” Blaze’s eyes are on his hand. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Clearly.” I sniffle, sliding off the stool as I keep batting my tears away. “I just … I have to move on, Blaze.” I feel like I’m rambling now. “Every guy I’ve ever dated since I met you wasn’t good enough, and while we were in Hawaii, I finally realized why. It’s because they’re not you .”
“Addy…”
“No, it’s the truth,” I say, stopping him before he can come up with any more ridiculous speeches. “I know we’re like family, and maybe eventually we can be friends again, but I don’t think it’ll ever be like it was before.”
“What?! Why?”
“Because this whole thing has shown me that I want to find my person, and my person probably won’t like the dynamic of our friendship.”
Blaze’s head falls into his hands, and he doesn’t say another word.
“I’m sorry.” My voice is quiet. “I’ll get an Uber home.”
He lifts his head. “No, I’ll take you home.” He slides off the stool and then gestures for me to go ahead in front of him. I swallow the sob threatening to choke me and head for the door.
He’d rather lose our friendship than date me.
The realization slams into my chest like a sledgehammer, and I can’t look at him as we enter the elevator. I can’t believe it. I really can’t believe it.
I stare at my freshly manicured toes as the elevator makes the descent to ground level, my head swimming with confusion.
As soon as the elevator doors slide open, I step out, keeping my eyes straight ahead as we walk to Blaze’s Jeep. We remain in a painful silence as he hits the unlock button, and I climb into the passenger seat.
This is probably the last time I’m ever going to do this.
I close the door and watch Blaze solemnly walk around to the driver’s side. He climbs inside and doesn’t even cast a passing glance in my direction.
“I could’ve Ubered,” I say, my voice coming out with an edge.
“Yeah, and I can drive you home just as easily.”
“You’re clearly mad at me,” I shoot back at him.
He huffs, reaching forward and starting the car. “No.” His biceps flex beneath his black T-shirt, and I hate how attractive he’s suddenly become to me. It makes everything hurt that much worse. I always thought he was out of my league, but now I know he is.
Why am I wallowing so much? I roll my eyes and angle my body to the window, folding my arms across my chest. I knew going in there that this was a possible outcome. Despite that fact, I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. And I’m shocked.
Blaze makes the drive in complete silence, not even turning on the radio, which makes it all that much more awkward. I keep staring out the window, hoping the twenty minutes will pass a little faster.
Finally, he pulls up in front of my townhouse, and I take a deep breath, knowing this is it for me. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but at the same time, I’ve got to take care of my heart, right?
“Um.” Blaze clears his throat as I unclick my seatbelt and push the door open. “I … Addy…”
“Save it.” I shoot him a glare. “I don’t want to hear another spiel about how you just care too much about me to be anything more than friends. This isn’t about you or our friendship. This is about my heart, and you broke it.” My lower lip trembles as I hop down onto the curb and slam his car door before he can respond.
I can’t even bring myself to tell him goodbye. Because, despite the fact that this might be the final time I see him as my best friend, goodbye feels way too much like forever.
The tears flow freely as I dash for my front door, hurriedly punching in my code and ripping the door open. I can still hear Blaze’s Jeep idling behind me. I’ve never been angrier at him than I am right now.
Did my feelings really shock him that much?
I slam the front door closed and peek through the peephole. Blaze’s Jeep is still sitting there. I know it takes him time to process things. I know that. But I poured my freaking heart out to him, and the best he could do was tell me that one time, seven years ago, he told me loved me in the same way I said I loved him tonight.
How could our timing be so off?
I stifle a sob as I force myself away from the door and head for the stairs. I start stripping out of my fancy, eye-catching outfit that now only makes me feel pathetic—like just another girl desperate for Blaze’s attention.
I’m so stupid.
Why did I let myself fall for him? Why did I dare him to kiss me another time? And why did he ever kiss me in the first place? All his reasons have been vague at best.
Once in my room, I pull on an oversized T-shirt and a pair of shorts and peer out the window, one last time.
Through my tears, I catch a glimpse of Blaze finally pulling away in his Jeep. My heart aches as he disappears into the night, taking with him a piece of me that I fear may never be whole again.
It’s really over.