25. Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Five
Blaze
Was telling her mom I broke up with her the right thing to do? Heck if I know. But Addy’s reaction to seeing me didn’t feel like part of the act. And now, I’m pretty sure her mom hates me, too.
This is why you shouldn’t tell lies.
I run my hands over my face as I step into the gym locker room, where Cam, Kade, and Dylan are waiting for me. I can’t hide my confusion or upset any longer. Things between Addy and me have come to a head. I know it. I feel it.
And I’m terrified of it.
I slam the locker so hard it rattles the whole wall. “ Ugh! ”
“Dude,” Cam drawls from behind me, stripping out of his shirt to put on a tank top. “What’s going on with you?”
“Addy’s mad at me.”
“Why?”
“Probably because he kissed her in Hawaii and is trying to just go back to just being friends,” Kade interjects. “That never goes—”
“Woah, hold up.” Cam narrows his eyes at me. “You kissed Addy?”
“Yeah,” I admit, grabbing the back of my neck. “And things have been weird between us ever since. I’m kind of freaking out.”
“Was it just a spur of the moment thing or do you actually have feelings for her?” Cam asks.
“Both, I guess. It’s … complicated. I do have feelings for her,” I confess. “But I don’t want to act on them. I can’t. We need to just go back to the way things were.”
“Good luck with that.” Kade claps my shoulder. “Because whether you meant to or not, you kind of led her on. And that’s messed up.”
My heart sinks at the thought. I know he’s right, even if it stings to hear.
And I hate that I hurt her.
Yet another reason I’m not cut out for a romantic relationship.
“I didn’t mean to lead her on,” I slump down onto the bench. “Our kiss meant the world to me. I just don’t want to lose her. She’s my … everything .”
My mind fills with all the times in our past that I thought I was in love with her—and all the times I swallowed those feelings. For her . For us . Was it the wrong thing to do? Should I have tried to make some kind of romantic relationship work? But what would’ve happened between us had we broken up?
Kade takes a seat beside me on the bench. “If you truly feel that way about Addy, then why wouldn’t you take the next step? I mean, if she’s like family, and you like kissing her, and you can’t stop thinking about her, then just marry her.”
My eyes grow wide. “I can’t just be like, ‘Hey, let’s get married. Let’s skip dating altogether so you’re totally trapped.’ That’s not cool. Or realistic.”
“Yeah, he’s got a point.” Cam chuckles. “That’s a little much. You’d come across like a psycho.”
“A devoted psycho,” Dylan adds. “Some girls dig that.”
“Yeah, no thanks,” I mutter. “Besides, I don’t even know how to be a boyfriend, much less a husband. I mean, I’ve had one relationship in my entire life, and I failed at it. Unlike you guys, I didn’t grow up with any examples of a healthy marriage—how could I ever be what Addy deserves?”
“I really think you’re overthinking this whole thing, man.” Dylan shrugs.
“I get your hesitation, though,” Cam retorts. “You guys have been friends forever, and if you were to take that step, it could potentially end the friendship if something went awry. That’s tough.”
“Thank you for understanding,” I say, breathing out a sigh of relief. “It’s been killing me that we’re not normal.”
“Well, if you want to save your friendship, and stand a chance at moving forward at any level, you’re gonna have to be honest with her and tell her why you kissed her and why you don’t want to be more than friends,” Kade adds.
“You’re right. I’ll call her.”
Cam taps his fist on the locker twice. “Okay. Well, you’ll have to let us know how that goes. But first, let’s work out.”
“Got it,” I say with a nod.
I spend the next two hours lost in a heavy metal playlist, pushing myself to my limits. It keeps my mind focused on something other than Addy, though I admit it’s only a temporary fix.
No matter what I tell myself, I know in a perfect world, it’d be Addy for me.
And maybe it’ll always be Addy.
Maybe I’ll never find anyone else who gets me like her.
Maybe I’m a coward for being the way I am. I know that, but nobody else understands what it’s like to have literally no one . I never had parents to come home to. I never had people checking in on me religiously—not until Addy.
Addy is the only person who’s ever made me feel like I mattered, like I was more than just some foster kid with a chip on his shoulder. She knows my flaws and loves me anyway. But even more than that, Addy is smart and driven and fun. She has a way of making everyone feel like somebody. And honestly, she makes me want to be a better person just for the chance to make her proud.
Losing her would be devastating .
My feet pound the treadmill as I try to grapple with the what-ifs . I mean, Addy and I promised each other that we would always be friends. This counts, right? This has to count. I’ll just have to tell her, once again, that I’m sorry for kissing her—for getting lost in those romantic feelings I have for her.
Feelings I’ve always had.
I just lost control of them for a few moments, and I can explain that to her. I can. I can do it. She’ll understand … right?
I smash the stop button and slow down before hopping off the treadmill and heading to the locker room. My teammates have long since left the gym, all of them having plans for the day. I usually have plans, too, but ever since Addy started avoiding me, my life has gotten weird.
And I’m fixing it tonight.
When I reach the locker room, I towel off before changing into a pair of joggers and a T-shirt to make the drive home. I down my protein shake on the way out, noticing that the mid-day sun has sunk low in the sky now. My Converse thud softly against the pavement as I make my way to my Jeep, and then climb inside.
I start the engine, letting the air blow in my face for a few minutes before I pull up Addy’s name. I take a deep breath, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. But then I bypass it and just hit the call button. No more running around. I need to make things right.
The phone rings multiple times before hitting her voicemail. I let out a sigh and call her a second time—just on the off chance that she couldn’t get to it.
“Hello?” she says on the second ring.
“Hey,” I breathe out, suddenly nervous. “What’re you up to?”
“Um, I’m shopping with my mom right now,” she says, her tone light—and incredibly indifferent. “What’s up with you?”
I swallow hard. “I was thinking we should meet up tonight, and not just to shoot the breeze or whatever. I think it’s time for us to both be honest with each other. I don’t know what’s going on, exactly, but we need to talk.”
“Ah.” She chuckles wryly. “So, you mean you want to clear the air like last time? Do you remember what happened when we did that?”
I cringe. “Yeah, obviously I know what happened. That’s exactly why we need to do this for real, Addy. I want to know where you’re at, and you need to know where I’m at. What happened in front of your mom was horrible.”
“You mean, embarrassing?”
“You lied about me having practice.”
“And you kissed me when you didn’t mean it,” she sneers, her voice hitting a cord deep in my chest. She is hurt. I close my eyes. “Just meet me tonight, and we can work all this out, okay? Things between us have gotten so far sideways; we have to stop this before we derail and end up hating each other.”
She’s quiet for a few moments. “You’re right. Just text me when and where, and I’ll be there. We’ll figure this out.”
“Okay,” I say, relief filling my voice. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“See you,” Addy says, hanging up the phone before I can say our usual ‘love you.’ I drop the phone onto my console and throw my Jeep in reverse. My mind suddenly spins. I have to make sure that I handle this delicately.
I wish I had a dad to call for advice. Or any real family, for that matter.
The thought hits like a freight train right to my chest. I stop before pulling out of the parking lot, needing a moment to compose myself. I have no idea what I’m doing. I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling that familiar old anxiety boiling up in my chest.
Now’s the time I’d always call Addy…
But I can’t.
I can’t call her for advice about herself .
Ugh.
Add that to the list of reasons why we can’t risk our friendship…
A friendship I need to do everything in my power to fix tonight.
I force a long, deep breath and steady my now-racing heart before backing out of the parking spot and heading home. Along the way, I call Addy’s favorite rooftop bar and offer a generous lump sum of cash to the owner so I can rent out the whole place for the night. I need a chance to talk to her without any eyes on us.
I need her to know how much she matters to me.
Four hours later, I’m sitting at a table on the rooftop that overlooks the city skyline. I check my watch, seeing that she’s nearly twenty minutes late. This is so abnormal for her.
Is she not gonna show?
I swallow the hurt that follows the thought of that possibility. Would she actually do that? Ghost me?
I run my hand along the top of the table and then grab my water, downing the entire glass.
“Can I get you another one?” the bartender comes out of nowhere, a gaudy smile on his face. “Would you like to order a drink?”
I shake my head. “No, just water.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.” He saunters off, probably relieved not to be dealing with a whole boatload of people tonight.
I drum my fingers on the tabletop. And when I finally see the door to the bar open, I catch my breath as Addy steps through. Her silvery blonde hair is freshly styled in perfect waves. She’s wearing a tight black jumpsuit, showing off every curve she’s got. It dips low in the front, giving me an eyeful of parts of her I’ve only imagined in my head.
And I’m speechless as she heads toward me, her hips swaying slightly as she struts in her high heels. I suddenly feel severely underdressed in my dark jeans and Converse.
“You look nice,” I choke out the words as I catch the scent of her perfume. My mind flashes back to the memory of her body beneath mine on the beach, my hand on her hip. I’d do anything to go back to that moment.
“You rented the whole bar, I see,” she says . “How come?”
I try to maintain eye contact instead of dropping my gaze to her perfectly kissable shade of red lips. “I thought it would make it easier for us to talk if we were alone.”
“Yeah, so why not just go to your house?” She bats thick lashes at me, and my heart skips ten beats all in a row—which I think might give me a heart attack.
“Um, I don’t know,” I say, finally looking away from her. I can tell she’s got her guard up, and I hate the way it feels. It’s something that up until this point, I’ve never been on the receiving end of from her. “I just wanted to give you a proper apology.”
She narrows her eyes. “Okay … I’m listening.”
I rake my fingers through my hair. “Well, first off, I’m sorry for breaking up with you in front of your mom. I probably could’ve done that a little smoother.”
“It doesn’t matter. I told her the truth,” she says, shrugging. “She was disappointed, but she’s fine. Just another one of my antics, I guess.”
“You told her the truth about it all being fake?”
“And then some.”
Oh, wow.
“That must’ve been difficult…”
And her mom definitely hates me now.
“It is what it is.” Addy folds her arms across her chest as the bartender sets down two waters. “But you were the one who wanted to talk, so let’s talk.”
“Why are you being so weird?” I stupidly blurt out.
“I don’t know. Maybe because you kissed me? Twice! What am I supposed to do with that? Why the heck did you kiss me that night at the wedding?”
“Because I wanted to. I don’t have some great, groundbreaking answer. I…”
She snorts. “That’s not very friendly.”
I can’t help but cringe. She’s right. And I can’t even come up with a decent explanation for it. But I have to try. She deserves that, at the least. “I know I broke the rules. I got caught up in the moment and—”
“Okay, but what about the second time, Blaze? Why did you kiss me again ?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you dared me to kiss you. And I just … wanted to. But I never meant to cause all this.”
“Well, it changed things for me.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you hate me now.” My voice comes out dry.
This is not going well. Tonight was supposed to be a reset. It was supposed to save our friendship, and now I feel further away from her than ever.
I’m such an idiot. This is exactly why I can’t do relationships.
“I don’t hate you.” She grabs her water and takes a big sip. “I fell in love with you, Blaze. I had a crush on you all through college, and I thought it faded, but I think I was wrong.”
Wait, Addy’s in love with me?
“Oh…” is all I manage to get out.
My mind is spiraling.
This is not at all how tonight was supposed to go.
I can’t tell Addy I have romantic feelings for her. What would be the point? It’s not like we can pursue them. We’ve already done enough damage as it is. And admitting my feelings won’t get us any closer to going back to the way things were before fake dating.
It would just complicate things further.
Right?