Chapter xlv
xlv
OUR KIDS SAT FACING US IN A ROW. VIOLET ON THE left, Liam on the right, and Sammy in the middle. Their faces were upturned, expectant, and a little scared. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d gotten them together like this, with both me and Darren there. I wasn’t sure if it had ever happened. When we’d gotten divorced, we told them one by one. We’d explained it to Sammy, even though he was only sixteen months old. Who knows what he understood, but we figured we owed him an explanation, just like we owed one to him now.
“So,” I started, glancing at Darren. He had said he would be there, but he wanted me to be the one to talk. “So, there are a lot of families that have secrets,” I started again. I had practiced this a ton of different ways, and this seemed the least threatening. “And when people in the family are old enough, that secret can be shared. And sometimes, it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore.”
Their eyes were all on me.
“In our family, Daddy and I have kept a secret, and we decided, now that Sammy’s nine, you’re all old enough to know the secret—and that it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore. Once we tell you, you can tell other people, if you’d like.”
I looked at Darren again, and he gave me a nearly imperceptible nod.
“And our secret is a story I’m going to tell you now.”
Our kids were silent, staring at me.
“Earlier this week, Sammy found a photograph in my room. It was a picture of a boy and his mom.”
Violet and Liam looked at Sam.
“His name was Gabriel Samson,” Sammy said quietly. “And his mom was an artist. They’re both dead now.”
“That’s right,” I said. I had taken the photograph out of the frame and put it in my pocket. I pulled it out now and handed it back to Sammy, who showed Liam, who passed it to Violet. “When Sammy found the photograph, he asked me why the boy in it looks like him.”
“He really does,” Violet said softly, the photograph in her hands.
“You never ended up telling me,” Sammy said.
“That’s right,” I told him. “And now I will. So, you all know that your dad and I loved each other so much when we were married, and we still love each other now.”
They all nodded, like little birds.
“Well, Gabriel and I loved each other very much right after we graduated from college, and we still loved each other after that. And after Daddy and I got married, and after Violet and Liam were born, I got pregnant again, with Sammy. Daddy is Sammy’s dad, of course, but Sammy actually has two fathers. The one who is raising him and loves him—”
“That’s me,” Darren said, his voice a little gravelly.
“And the one who made him biologically,” I finished. “And his biological dad is Gabriel. That’s why they look alike.”
Sammy reached for the photograph and Violet gave it back to him.
“So, was that because you and Daddy were having trouble getting pregnant again, and Gabriel helped instead of doing IVF like with the twins?” Violet said.
I shook my head. “No,” I said, glancing at Darren again. His face was stony. “It’s because I was feeling really sad one day, and Gabriel made me feel better, and we ended up making Sammy that day.”
There was silence in the room while the kids processed that. I waited, giving them space.
“So you cheated on Dad?” Liam asked, finally.
I knew I had to walk a fine line here of telling the truth, but not making Sammy feel like a mistake. “I did,” I said. “But the important thing I want all of you to know is that each one of you was created with love.”
There was silence again. Sammy looked down at the photo in his hands.
“Dad, did you adopt Sammy?” Violet asked.
Darren cleared his throat. “Because your mom and I were married when he was born, my name is on Sammy’s birth certificate, so I didn’t have to adopt him. I’ve always been his dad. And Sam—” He turned to face him directly. “I will always be your dad. Biology doesn’t change that. I was the first person who held you in the hospital, and in that moment, you became my son forever.”
“I have two dads,” Sammy said quietly, gripping the photograph of you, Gabe.
“That’s right,” I said. “You all have two moms, me and Courtney, and now Sammy has two dads. Families come in all different shapes and configurations, and ours is a little complicated, but knowing this information doesn’t change our family. This is what we’ve been all along.”
Sammy looked up from the photograph. “Do you have a grown-up picture of Gabriel Samson?”
“I do,” I said. “Would you like to see it?”
He nodded.
I pulled out my phone and scrolled to the picture of you that Bashir had taken, the one that was hanging in the library in Lampedusa. “Here,” I said, handing him my phone. “This is Gabriel when he was at a refugee center in Italy, a few months before he died. He was a photojournalist and was taking pictures there for an article about the Syrian refugee crisis and a boat that had capsized off the coast of a small island called Lampedusa. I can show you the photos he took, too. I have a book of them upstairs in my room.”
“This is so unfair,” Liam said, kicking the bottom of the couch with his heel. “Sammy gets everything. Even a cool second dad.”
That wasn’t a reaction I was expecting. Darren and I stared at him. Violet stared at him.
“Liam,” she said quietly. “His second dad died. In reality, he only has one dad. Like us.” Then she turned to me and Darren. “May I be excused?” she said. “And can Sammy come with me, if he wants?”
Sam still had my phone and was looking at you, tapping the screen each time it started to go dark.
“You can be excused,” Darren said to Violet. “But I want to talk to Sam for a minute more.”
“You’re not really his real dad,” Liam said.
Sam looked up at Darren, his eyes instantly filling with tears.
“I am absolutely his real dad,” Darren said. “Sam, did you hear me? I am your real dad. I don’t want to hear that again, from any of you. Ever. Do you understand?”
All three nodded mutely, and then Violet headed to her room.
“Liam,” I said, “do you want to help me clear the dinner dishes? So Dad and Sammy can talk?”
“No chance,” Liam said, and walked off to his room, too.
I got up to clear the table, giving Darren and Sam their time together. I don’t know what Darren said or how Sammy responded, but they ended up hugging each other. Sammy went to his room to get his backpack to bring to Darren’s, but when he came back out, the other two kids were still in their rooms.
I knew this would be hard on the big kids, too, but I hadn’t expected them to be angrier than Sammy.
“Hey, Sam,” I said, sitting down next to him on the couch. “How are you feeling about all of this?”
He shrugged. “I guess it’s like Dad said, he’s always been my dad, and I’ve always been me. Nothing about me has changed, and nothing about us has changed … But … now … now I get to see someone who looks like me. I never had that before. I always looked at Liam and Dad and Violet and you and could see the connection, you know? You and I have the same color eyes, but with Gabriel, I see myself in him the way I see Violet in you. And I don’t know, but maybe I see my art in him, too, you know? In his pictures? And in his mom? And that’s cool, because that wasn’t ever like anyone in our family either. So now it feels, I don’t know, like, there’s someone like me. And it feels … it feels nice to have that. But … it’s weird that that it’s a part of me I’m learning about for the first time.”
I let out a deep breath. Other feelings would surface later, but in that moment, I knew we’d done the right thing. We’d given Sammy a way to feel connected.
“How did you get so wise, Sammy?” I asked.
He shrugged again. “Was Gabriel wise? Maybe it’s in my blood.”
I laughed and gave him a hug and then kissed the top of his head. “You’re wiser than Gabriel ever was,” I said. “I love you so much, kid.”
“I love you too, Mom,” he answered.
Then I stood and turned to Darren. “Do you want Violet or Liam?” I asked.
“I think you need to talk to Violet,” he said.
He was right.
“Be right back,” I said to Sammy.
He nodded and took out his sketchbook. I wondered whether his art would help him process this, the way your photographs helped you process the world. I’ve always seen so much of you in him, Gabe, and what’s amazing is now he does, too.