Chapter xlvi
xlvi
I KNOCKED ON VIOLET’S DOOR .
“Who is it?” she called out.
“It’s me,” I said. “Can I come in? Can we talk a little more, just us?”
Wordlessly, Violet opened the door. I could see that her eyes were puffy from crying. She stepped aside to let me in and then shut the door behind me.
I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Vi—” I started. But then she interrupted.
“Is Sammy why you and Dad got divorced?” she said, sitting down on her bed, the lavender bedspread crumpled around her. “When I was a kid, when you and Dad sat me down to tell me you were getting divorced, you said that you both still loved each other and loved us, but that you argued too much living in the same house and that it would be better for our family if you lived in two separate houses. And I know … I know some of the way you explained it was because I was only seven, but I’d always thought you got divorced because you’re so different. I mean, you are so different. But now I feel like there was a lot more to it, and my whole world is kind of wobbly and weird and can I even trust you guys? If my brother is biologically my half brother and you didn’t tell me, how can I believe anything anyone says ever? You’re my parents. You’re supposed to be the people I can trust most, and if I can’t, then where does that leave me? What do I do?”
My heart was breaking. I understood exactly how she felt, I understood why, and I wished I could take her pain away, wished we had made different choices. I sat down next to her and reached out. She let me wrap my arms around her and I hugged Violet to me. In that moment, I realized that she had finally gotten taller than I was. Only about half an inch, but she had to lean her chin down to rest it on my shoulder.
“Oh, Vi, I’m so sorry. To answer your question: Sammy wasn’t the reason we got divorced, it was the fact that I’d broken your dad’s trust that really did us in. I’m not proud of the way I acted, and I’ve apologized to your father for it more times than I can count. But I’m not sorry Sam was born. It feels to me like this is how our family was meant to be. And Gabriel died while I was still pregnant with Sam, so in a way, it’s a comfort to know that some of his DNA is living on in Sam.”
Violet nodded and wiped her eyes.
“As far as trust I hadn’t wanted to keep Sammy’s biological father a secret from him or you or Liam, but your dad thought it was important that all three of you feel the same, that you all grew up feeling like you were equally his. I understood his perspective, and agreed, as long as he agreed that you’d all know the truth one day. I’m sorry it’s made you feel like you can’t trust us—or anyone. And I promise, now that the day has arrived, I’m an open book. Ask me anything you’d like. I’ll answer you honestly for the rest of your life.”
She looked at me critically, and I could tell her next question would be a test.
“Did you love Gabriel more than Dad?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Not more,” I told her, “but differently.”
“Is Sammy more important to you than me or Liam?”
I shook my head again. “Absolutely not. I love all of you—for who you are, for the choices you’ve made, for the way you exist in the world. And I’m so, so proud of all three of you. None more than the other.”
She leaned over and hugged me again.
“Okay, one last question,” she said. “Do you actually like those mayonnaise cookies that Grandma makes, or do you pretend like Liam and Sam and I do?”
I started to laugh. My mother makes these cookies that her mother used to make, where she swaps mayonnaise in for the eggs and oil. She has always thought they were incredible. Jay and I did not, but I had no idea my kids didn’t like them either.
“Hate ’em,” I said. “Well, maybe that’s too strong a word, but definitely not in my top twenty desserts.”
Violet looked at me. “I thought so.” she said. “I’m glad you didn’t lie about that.”
I hugged her to me again and caught sight of the dig- ital clock behind her on her night table. It was almost seven thirty.
“I think it’s time to grab your stuff for Dad’s,” I said.
She nodded.
“But if you or either of your brothers need me, or need anything this week, I’m only a few blocks away. I can come whenever. You can call whenever.”
“We know, Mom,” she said.
“And I promise you, Violet, I will do everything I can to make sure you know you can trust me.”
She nodded, and then she grabbed her backpack and the two of us headed back into the living room, where we found the rest of the family waiting.
I hugged Liam and then Sammy and whispered to both of them how much I loved them and to call me if they needed me.
They both hugged me back and said, “You too, Mom.” And those three words let me know that we’d all eventually be okay. It would take more conversations, more breakdowns, more proof that they could trust me and Darren, but I knew that as long as we had love, we’d be okay.