Chapter lv
lv
DAX ASKED IF WE COULD SPEND APRIL 19 EATING Zac’s favorite foods and doing things Zac loved. So I made us sheet pan chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, following the New York Times recipe Aviva used to make for Zac, and then we went to the Museum of Natural History and the planetarium, ate Shake Shack for lunch, and headed up to Yankee Stadium to watch the Yankees play the Tampa Bay Rays. Dax gave me an extra baseball cap he had, because Zac had always insisted on wearing one when they went to a game.
He spent the whole day telling me stories about the things they’d done, the memories they’d made together. I could see it was draining him emotionally, but I could also see that it felt good to him to remember, too.
As we rode the subway to the Bronx, Dax said to me, “On one of these train rides to Yankee Stadium, I told Zac how hip-hop started in the Bronx in the seventies, and since then people have been calling it the Boogie Down. From then on, that’s the only way he referred to the Bronx.”
I laughed. “I like it. Glad we’re going to the Boogie Down in his honor.”
Dax took my hand. “I was thinking,” he said, “about Nathan’s hot dogs for dinner. With cheese fries.”
“Was that Zac’s favorite at the ball field?” I asked.
Dax nodded. “And Cracker Jacks.”
“Then we should get those, too,” I said as the subway stopped and everyone planning to see the ball game got off.
We walked into the stadium and found our seats. Everyone stood for “The Star Spangled Banner,” and I saw Dax wipe a tear from his eye. He started crying a little harder when the announcer introduced the players, and I put my arms around him. In my embrace, he really began to sob.
“It’s okay,” I murmured. “I’ve got you.”
His sobs didn’t seem to be letting up.
“Do you want to go home?” I said. “Maybe today was a little too much.”
He shook his head no, but then he nodded. He took a few deep breaths, and we left the stadium and hailed a cab.
“I wasn’t expecting to have that reaction,” he said once we got in the cab, his breath still shuddering.
“Emotions hit like that sometimes,” I said, twining my fingers in his, thinking about all the times my grief for you hit me like a tsunami, with little advance warning.
When we got to his place, I made us some tea, and we sat down on the couch. He laid his head in my lap, and I stroked his hair. I couldn’t believe how important he had become to me in such a short time. How much my heart felt for his.
We were sitting there quietly, his cheek still resting on my lap, when the doorbell rang.
“Are you expecting anyone?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “Maybe it’s the super?”
“I’ll get it,” I told him, thinking he might push back, but he just said, “Okay,” and sat up on the couch, reaching over and taking the tea I’d made him off the table.
When I opened the door, it wasn’t the super at all. Instead, it was a petite woman with long, strawberry blond hair that tumbled in a mass of waves to the middle of her back. Her eyes were light brown and set in a way that reminded me of Disney princesses. She was holding a box of cookies in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. She had a surprised look on her face.
“Um, hi?” I said, wondering if maybe she’d knocked on the wrong door. “Can I help you with something?”
She looked at me and blinked those wide eyes the color of gingerbread. “Who are you?” she asked.
“Me?” I replied. “Who are you ?”
“Aviva,” she said. “Landsman.”
Dax’s ex-wife. My heart stuttered for a moment. “I’m Lucy,” I said.
“A subletter?” she asked. “I thought Dax was going to be back by now.”
I heard Dax’s footsteps behind me.
“Not a subletter,” he said, putting his arm around me.
“Your girlfriend?” Aviva said, a touch of breathy surprise to her voice.
Dax looked at me, as if to ask if he could use that word. I nodded slightly. “My girlfriend,” he said.
“Oh.” I could see Aviva swallow hard. I imagined she felt that same punch-in-the-stomach feeling I had the first time Darren told me about Courtney.
“Do you want to come in?” I asked her.
She looked back and forth between Dax and me. “I brought Zac’s favorite cookies,” she said to Dax. “And our favorite drink. I thought maybe … I’m sorry, I should go.”
I looked at them. “Maybe I should go?” I said to Dax.
He looked paralyzed by the situation.
“How about I take a walk?” I said. “I think you need some milk anyway.”
“Okay,” Dax said, “but just to get some milk. Don’t stay away too long.”
I grabbed my phone and wallet and headed out the door.
In the elevator, I texted Julia: Dax’s ex-wife just came to his apartment with cookies and vodka while I was there.
My phone rang almost instantaneously.
“I need more information,” Julia said.
So I told her how it was the anniversary of the day their son died, and that I was now going to buy Dax some milk. And also that he’d introduced me as his girlfriend for the first time.
“Well, that’s exciting,” Julia said. “Should we focus on that? How did that make you feel?”
I laughed as I walked down the street to the nearby bodega. “That part felt really nice,” I said, cradling the phone against my cheek. “The other day Dax said that comparison isn’t competition, and he meant it with previous partners. That, you know, I may compare him to Darren or Gabe, but he’s not competing with them. Every relationship is unique. But I have to say, Jules, his wife looks like a Disney princess.”
“Ex-wife,” Julia reminded me.
“Right,” I said. “Do you think she’s rethinking the ex part?”
I could almost hear Julia shrug over the phone. “It doesn’t really matter unless he is, too.”
I sighed. “You’re right.”
“Do you think he is?” Julia asked.
I thought about him telling me not to stay away too long. “I don’t think he was,” I said. “But I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child. He was in such pain today; if she can be there for him in a way I can’t, I could see how he might.”
“Well,” Julia said. “Get the milk and go back. And then ask. He seems like the kind of guy who would tell you the truth.”
“He is,” I said. “Thanks, Jules.”
We hung up, and I headed back to his place. I thought about how speculation about Darren’s thoughts and actions was what led me to cheating on him. I wasn’t going to speculate again.